Someone Please Give Old Man Gloom’s Santos Montano the Money to Open a Metal-Themed Taco Restaurant RIGHT NOW
Old Man Gloom drummer Santos Montano must smoke even more weed than I do. ‘Cause on Thursday night, apropos of nothing, he took OMG’s Facebook page and wrote this A++++++ piece of comedy:
I have to admit, i’m really fascinated by all these band themed food places. Kuma’s Corner with their metal burgers, Mark Trombino’s Donut Friend with the punk named treats, Sizzle Pie, who even once had an Old Man Gloom pizza. To be fair it sounded super gross, but hey, maybe thats what we inspire.
Has anyone done tacos yet? I mean, i’m in a cool band, mexican, and need some fast cash. Anyone want to back my new venture in NYC?
We’ll call it….Gloomalicious? Gloomos? Santos? I don’t know. We’ll put the name on the back burner.
Here’s some menu items i’m tossing around:
a really overly long 2 foot in diameter tortilla, with a teaspoon of bland filling right in the middle.
A complicated mess of shit that shouldn’t work like sauerkraut, maple syrup, old watch batteries, and warm water that somehow is perfect and delicious.
A limited edition multicolor screen print of a beautiful, yet frantic image of a timeless taco. Taco not included.
A bland vegan pita pocket stuffed with un-cooked macaroni, dusted with Sumac.
A kitty litter rimmed bowl of french onion soup with a wendy’s chicken fillet floating on top.
The Old Man Gloom
A message will arrive in your inbox with a lengthy wordy snarky description of some food i think you’d like, though mostly i’ll just talk about myself. We’ll both leave unsatisfied.
The Cave In Prix Fix dinner
A 5 course tasting menu that starts very exciting, but then gets a little dull in the middle, then the last course never comes. You’ll surely tell the server you liked the earlier courses better.
10% of this burrito is unbelievably incredible, the other 90% is just a confusing mess of ingredients that sound made up.
You know, it’s the taco people who don’t eat taco’s say they are into, but they really just like shirts with taco’s on them. Really it’s just a soda cup filled with old bong water.
The “local opener”
Order any “band” on our menu and we’ll just do it a little crappier.
A delicious blend of medieval meat’s and grains wrapped in a Oakland Raiders branded leather pouch.
3 taco’s brought out in succession, each tasting more of betrayal than the last.
The Full of Hell
I don’t know, it’s full of hell? I don’t know what they sound like, so I can’t really workshop this one. TBD.
Montano later added a few additions to his menu in the comments below his initial post:
The Andrew WK – a milkshake made from pigs blood and Grey Goose, served in one of those hats that holds two beers and has a straw.
The Motorhead – 26 tacos on a tray, but only one or two is worth eating.
The Scorpions – A strange German interpretation of a taco, made by someone who’s obviously never had a taco.
The Metallica – a delicious taco, served 25 years too late.
The Burzum – a racist turd on a plate which whack ass white boys in Brooklyn seemed to think would make them cool in 2012. Now they support Bernie.
And then, to top it all off, Montano engaged in some really amusing exchanges with fans:
So I think we can all agree that these ideas are too brilliant to exist solely in our imaginations. I know nothing about the restaurant business, but surely, some investor can figure out a way to make money off of these menu items. It doesn’t even have to be a full restaurant — a taco truck or stand would suffice! Get it on, people. It’s a much better investment than Danzig’s old house.
[via The PRP]