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Necessary Roughness Week 2: 2018 > 2017

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Is it just me or does this season already feel more fun than last season? The Patriots are 1-1. The Steelers are 0-1-1. There’s a bunch of good ass young QBs running around. The Browns aren’t bad and the Seahawks aren’t good. There’s just a feeling in the air that for a change ANYTHING can really happen and we’re watching it in real time. I’ll probably regret this entire paragraph in four weeks when everything reverts to usual, but for now it seems like cool things are happening! What’s more fun than a fake punt?

A fake punt for a TD!

Vikings 29 – Packers 29: I know ties don’t SOUND fun and if your team ends up with one in their record it’s a drag, but they’re entertaining as all hell in my opinion. They usually involve a crazy series of back and forth drives to end a game and then they have to result in a total stalemate in the ten minute overtime. There’s a reason why they’re so rare, so to see two in two weeks is kind of awesome. This game was also a scorigami!

The biggest drag of this game is that it was more or less decided on a bullshit roughing the passer call which negated a Packers interception late in the fourth quarter. On the other hand, the Packers were the beneficiaries of a remarkably similar play in the third – one that was so egregious that the color commentator remarked, “well we all know why they got that one!” in reference to Aaron Rodgers’ bum knee.  This new roughing rule blows goats and in all but one game I’ve watched this season, there’s been an incredibly questionable call related to it.

While Rodgers played pretty well, I think Kirk Cousins proved worth the $84m guaranteed he’ll be getting in Viking Purple:

Saints 21 – Browns 18: Damn! Almost a chance for an 0-0-2 start for the Browns! This game perfectly exemplifies the issues this cursed franchise faces. The defense was stellar and held one of the NFL’s most explosive offenses to a measly 21 points. The offense proved it can move the ball (the Saints D is pretty damn good too!), and what fucks them? Their goddamn kicker. I mean… what more does Tyrod Taylor have to do? They have a lot of talent and apparently overlooked the thing that should be basically automatic.

Shocking.

Chiefs 42 – Steelers 37: I don’t think this game was ever as close as the score indicates. I actually switched over to the Vikings/Packers game after the first quarter because Patrick Mahomes seemed to have this all under control.

Honestly, I don’t know if LeVeon Bell would’ve made that big a difference in this one. My scorching hot take is that at this point he and the Steelers should both wait until week 10. At that point, they can cut him and let him move on or he’ll have to pick up his franchise tender. Either way seems like the best option for both — Bell doesn’t wear out his body for a team that treats him poorly and/or the Steelers can get a fresh back in the second half of the season. If the Steelers don’t want him then, they can cut him and everyone can move on. Besides the $853,000 Bell loses every week, there’s no real downside… And in the face of a career-defining contract vs the risk of injury, that money is relative peanuts.

Jesse James wanted to drop this soooooo bad.

Jaguars 31 – Patriots 21:  After the cock tease that was last year’s AFC Championship Game, the Jags got sweet revenge. My only beef with this game is that no one can seem to pronounce the word “Jaguars.” It’s JAG-WARS, not JAG-WIRES! Anyway, Bortles showed up ready to play and despite not having Leonard Fornette, they managed to have success on the ground as well. The Pats defense just doesn’t look good at all.

Obviously, you can never count the Patriots out and they’ll probably cruise to a two or three seed in the AFC, but the dearth of gamebreaking talent on both sides of the ball seems to finally be showing itself. The good boi can’t do it all himself.

Edit: Clearly I wrote this before they traded for a perfectly healthy and allegedly socce Josh Fucking Gordon. Godamnit.

Have some shaky analysis:

Cowboys 20 – Giants 13: What a boner killer. The Giants O-line held up pretty well early on, but Eli is looking pretty skittish these days (six sacks will do that.) Looooooots of check downs in the face of minimal pressure. I think it’s always good to get the ball in Saquan Barkley’s hands and that Eli even has that option now is a great thing, but he’s gotta take more shots downfield when he can. Put it up and let the ridiculous receiving corps take care of it. For Dallas’s part, they started hot, but didn’t really do much on offense after the three play opening drive. Eli had a statistically better game than Dak and that has to be a concern for Big D. I still think the NFC East is wide open and the Giants can figure it out and make a run. But maybe I’m an idiot. This was good!

Some musings…

  • The Buffalo Bills are so bad that Vontae Davis RETIRED MID GAME. How Sean McDermott still has a job is beyond me. This is the dude who started Nathan Peterman over Tyrod Taylor last year for no reasons and got a five INT first half for his troubles. Now, he’s going to get Josh Allen murdered in pursuit of an 0-16 season. This dude is a workplace hazard; how is he a head coach?
  • I am not playing fantasy football this year and my viewing experience has been way better for it. I’m no longer shackled to my star players on shitstain teams and the Red Zone channel. I can just sit and watch a whole game, an argument I made but didn’t wholly follow myself last year.
  • Who is better than the Rams this year? They have a team PACKED with superstars. I may have been a year early in my Standom. This is the year that LA gets to yawn through a Super Bowl. Ungrateful pricks!
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick is handsome as fuck and if he plays half as well in Week 3 as he did the first two, Jameis Winston might be looking for a job. I mean… let’s never forget this. He should’ve been cut right then and there. It gives me the willies just thinking about it.
  • Someone finally got penalized for turning Cam Newton’s brain into pudding this year! This is progress. Wonder what took the NFL so long to protect Cam?

Fantasy Pimp of the Week: Honestly, no one had THAT crazy a week. Mahomes threw for six touchdowns, but didn’t really rack up the yardage. Rothelisberger did the opposite and had a rushing touchdown. Position players didn’t totally kill it either, so let’s give it to Blake fucking Bortles! My man tore up the Pats and scored over 30 points doing it. That one asshole in your league who drafted him as a joke is either kicking himself for benching him or is going to be the most smug human on earth for the next six days. And it was 97 goddamn degrees while he did it!

The Number Twelve Looks Like You is heading out on tour in November with our buds Rolo Tomassi and Arsonists Get All The Girls. If anyone wants to watch football or play Magic: The Gathering at any of our dates get in touch! Check out the dates below and tell me how much we suck in the comments.

 

 

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