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Necessary Roughness, Week 3: Today is the Greatest

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Weeks like this remind you why the NFL is such a fun league to watch. The regular season is only 16 games long, so with few exceptions no one ever REALLY knows who the best and worst teams are besides those who emerge as world beaters (like this year’s Rams) or truly terribly shitshows (like the last two seasons’ worth of the Browns.) Without getting into too many “any given Sunday” or more arguments for or against parity, it is really nice seeing a team like the Pats struggle while teams like the Bucs and Bears sitting atop their divisions. Let’s enjoy it while it lasts.

Browns 21 – Jets 17: There you have it! They finally did it. All hail the new Bud Knight, Baker Mayfield! This Browns team is super likable and hopefully Mayfield doesn’t turn into a pumpkin next week or have his knees simultaneously burst into flames. Jarvis Landry absolutely deserves to be in the conversation of “best WR in the league.” The Cleveland defense is super aggressive and fun to watch and they are turnover MACHINES. Through three games, they have a +9 turnover differential (two interceptions against with five interceptions and six fumbles for) which is absurd; the next two teams are the Panthers and Dolphins who each come in at +4.  Oh also Myles Garrett is really fucking strong.

Giants 27 – Texans 22: Hail Satan. Looks like the offense finally got rolling, at least through the first half. I don’t know why Shurmur got so conservative in the second half. They really almost let Houston right back into it by farting around and trying to protect the lead rather than extending it. Despite allowing JJ Watt to run rampant, the line looked infinitely better as a unit without Ereck Flowers. Way fewer dumb fuck penalties and just a hair more time for Eli made things a lot easier on everyone else. Now, just imagine how crazy Saquon Barkley would be if he didn’t have to make the first guy miss before he even hits the line on every other run. He is a legit workhorse and gamebreaker. He makes everyone trying to tackle him alone look like a complete idiot.

The Texans shouldn’t be 0-3. They kinda look like last year’s Giants at this point. They have talent, but they just can’t get out of their own way. Will Fuller was a beast in the second half breaking tackles and doing everything he could, but it wasn’t enough.

Rams 35 – Chargers 23: I guess I was a year too early in stanning for the Rams. They really truly look unbeatable. Every phase of the game is stacked with ridiculous talent. How do you deal with Suh and Donald destroying your offensive line? Who can cover all those receivers AND keep an eye on Todd Gurley? What the hell do you do when you’re receiving the best punts in the game? At no point during this game did it ever feel like the Chargers really had a chance. It’s like watching the Warriors coast through the NBA season. The scores might get tight, but they can turn it on at any time. We better get used to everyone blowing Jared Goff and Sean McVay for the rest of the season. “I’ll tell ya, Al… for a couple young guys, they really know what they’re doing out there. The combined football IQ of the two blah blah blah blah…”

Lions 26 – Patriots 10: I was actually at a show when this was happening. So… what happened? I’m all for a 1-2 start from the Pats, but this seems eerie. How tf did the Pats let the Lions control the ball for 39 minutes of this game? I guess having a rushing game for the first time since Reggie Bush helps. I’m scared to see whatever vengeance Belichik and Brady have for the rest of the league when Josh Gordon gets up to speed. But maybe I’m overreacting and this is simply the beginning of the end. Last week I said they have no real playmakers and maybe Evil Bill just finally overextended himself into believing they could do it with literally anyone?

Fantasy Pimp of the Week: I’m giving this to the city of Atlanta as a whole this week. Something about your stupid non-retracting retracting roof gave everyone on the field superpowers yesterday. I watched the end of that game and it was the opposite of the last two overtime games. Normally those games are a matter of which offense wants it less. This time no one could stop scoring. The top four fantasy scorers this week so far all participated in this game: Drew Brees, Calvin Ridley, Matt Ryan and Alvin Kamara all combined for 155.2 fantasy points. Jesus Christ. Look at the spin move from Brees!

Random Musings

  • What the fuck was that, Vikings? Enjoy it while it lasts, #billsmafia. Looks like you guys are positioning yourselves to be the AFC East Texans. Kind of good, and also frustratingly bad at the same time. That leaping run from Josh Allen ruled though. Vikings now have the impossible task of playing the Rams on Thursday. Good luck with THAT!
  • Yo, why are Thursday night games good this year? I have to watch these too, now? Jeeeeezus.
  • Clay Matthews is getting ROYALLY FUCKED by the new rules. That penalty may have cost the Packers their game in Washington. That hit was as squeaky clean as they come – what’s a guy supposed to do?
  • I like the Bud Knight commercials. They work on me. I’m a Miller High Life/Miller Lite fan specifically for the reasons Bud is telling me I should like them. They’re easy to drink, they’re cheap. They taste like beer. No need to give me expensive shit, especially at shows.
  • I’m willing to bet there’s a not-insignificant segment of the QAnon population that thinks Jimmy Garoppolo got hurt or put himself at risk in order to reignite the Kaepernick debate. Honestly, who is available right now and better than Kap to replace him? They gotta try something right? They had legit playoff hopes just go up in smoke because that handsome idiot decided to take a hit rather than scamper out of bounds.
  • Patrick Mahomes is the greatest QB ever of all time. As long as he keeps chucking bombs, I will watch at least a part of every Chiefs game this year. I can’t imagine this will end well for them, but it’s very fun to watch in the meantime.
  • The only undefeated teams in the league are the Chiefs, the Rams, the Bucs and… the Dolphins? What?

The Number Twelve Looks Like You is heading out on tour in November with our buds Rolo Tomassi and Arsonists Get All The Girls. If anyone wants to watch football or play Magic: The Gathering at any of our dates get in touch! Check out the dates below and tell me how much we suck in the comments.

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