Enlarge

Necessary Roughness Week 6: Run To The Hiiiiiiiillllssss

0

What a week! I wasn’t able to watch any football last Sunday, so I’m glad this week had some absurd running back performances to enjoy. I think I’m officially old now because I appreciate a great running game more than I do a really sweet gunslinger. Mahomes is fucking awesome to watch, but I’ll take Latavius Murray murdering someone with a stiff arm over Mahomes’ left handed throw any day of the week. Truly great running backs seem to have been in short supply until this year and it’s a pleasure to watch these guys juke defenses out of their pants and run people over.

Eagles 34 – Giants 13: Fuck. I guess the Eagles aren’t shitty? I dunno, the whole NFC East is impossible to interpret. Who saw the Cowboys dropping 40 on the Jags? As much as I hate to say it, the Giants need to figure out what to do without Eli. I think the obvious answer is Colin Kaepernick. I know the Mara family wouldn’t touch him because of the perceived risk to their bank account, but he makes so much sense. His mobility would ease the pressure on the o-line and could open a world of opportunity for Saquon Barkley. Worried he can’t learn the playbook fast enough for this year? Fuck it… let him run RPO’s for a third of his plays and all of a sudden, Saquon, the receiving corps AND Kaep will be a threat the opposing D needs to address. If Nike thought his politics were a good bet, a single NFL team should be able to rationalize the same thing. Plus he would cost next to nothing! I had this thought and then found this article confirming all my theories… It’s fool proof.

Chargers 38 – Browns 14: I watched the first half of this one hoping to see the Browns finally break through against a decent team. I was disappointed. Although after watching the Giants on Thursday, everything was tainted by watching how every quarterback dealt with disintegrating pockets throughout the weekend. Obviously Baker Mayfield is like 15 years younger than Eli, but Philip Rivers is definitely not and both were more than capable of buying themselves an extra second or two when they needed it. The Chargers, shockingly, hit all their field goals/extra points! Good for them! Melvin Gordon is also still extremely good:

Rams 23 – Broncos 20: This was not as close as the score indicates. All reports today are blowing Sean McVay for blaming himself for not winning by more. He’s right, of course, but if I read how ACCOUNTABLE this team is one more time, I’m gonna puke. The Broncos straight up admitted they would let Gurley grind ’em out at the cost of covering the big play, so why not keep riding him? He ran for 208 yards and two TDs… let him get that elusive 300 yard game!

Patriots 43 – Chiefs 40: Besides being a big fan of RUNNIN THA FOOTBAW, I also know I’m old because it is increasingly impossible for me to stay awake and alert enough to watch an entire SNF game. I suck. This was one of the best games of the year and I even made it long enough to see the Chiefs take the lead. But then I woke up to the grim reality that has plagued us since November 2016: everything is bad and we don’t deserve anything good or fun anymore.

Musings:

  • You know what’s funny? On NFL.com they list the Rams as “LA” and the Chargers as “LAC.” that seems right.
  • Do NFL analysts not realize that all the players on a team are not necessarily from the city the team is from? All day leading up to the game, all anyone wanted to talk about was how cold Denver was compared to LA. I realize there’s gonna be some adjusting, but these players haven’t lived their entire lives in LA. They know what cold is and Nike will provide them with the necessary equipment to combat it.
  • I used to defend Chris Collinsworth on the SNF broadcast, but he’s just a shitheel like all the rest. He truly believes every dumb cliche he says. The broadcast itself is still the best and most interesting all week, but his analysis and color is the worthless drivel of every Nike-burning jackass who talks about “off the field distractions” like they’re real.
  • Speaking of which, OBJ is 100% right in everything he said on ESPN. Everyone needs to listen up and figure it out. I’m now mad that the Giants are squandering his and Saquon’s primes.
  • I think I cursed us all by wishing for more ties and OT games earlier this season. It’s too much. They’re too long. HELP!
  • Blake Bortles for Eli Manning is another thought I had last night. I think this one might actually happen, because Tom Coughlin and the Giants hate each other and would think the other one is getting the shit end of the stick. They would both be right.

The Number Twelve Looks Like You is heading out on tour in November with our buds Rolo Tomassi and Arsonists Get All The Girls. If anyone wants to watch football or play Magic: The Gathering at any of our dates get in touch! Check out the dates below and tell me how much we suck in the comments.

Metal Sucks Greatest Hits