PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN A COPY OF THE OCEAN’S HELIOCENTRIC

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010 at 5:00pm by

emperor car crashLast week we offered up two copies of Mose Giganticus‘ debut album Gift Horse to those of you who could come up with the funniest caption to the photo at right. Wouldn’t you know it, the dude in the Emperor shirt actually got in touch with us to let us know he miraculously walked away from the accident unscathed; check out his band Archael as a token of good faith and good taste in t-shirts! Anyway, here are the winners:

  • lolsfest: “Ahh! There was that coat-hanger we needed for that abortion!”
  • themutedhorn: “Playing air-drums while driving is fine until the double bass drum blast beats start.”

This week we’re giving away two copies of German progressive metallers The Ocean‘s recent release Heliocentric; these babies come in a really cool digipak with silver foil printing and 9 individual tarot cards (one for each song) in place of a traditional CD booklet. And of course the music is the shit, but you knew that already. Just come up with a funny caption to the below photo [sent in by Nick Seckler] and one copy shall be yours — remember to comment with a real email address (or include it with your comment if you’re using FB Connect).

black metal bikers

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  • Vlygar

    Good luck trying to give the cops a clear description of the kids who stole your bikes.

    • Bayonetwork

      Prime example of why North Korea doesn’t need nukes.

      • O. Henray

        Looks like these “‘Ironclad’ Maidens” have the edge up in the “The Long March of the Yes-Men” this year.

  • BEHEMOHAWK

    Ihsahn a bike.

    • fuzzymuffler

      LMAO

  • kaffebaggel

    During their youth, before discovering the “giant sandwich”-pose Immortal experimented with the less-successful “crying while receiving an Oscar”-pose

  • inhumanrampager

    The earliest known photo of the founding members of the Sons of Northern Darkness Bike Klub.

    • Jamie

      YES

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Pantozzi/1255231400 Chris Pantozzi

    Haters gonna hate,

  • Legions: Iron and Steel

    The latest Lucha Libre midget tag team sensation – MINIMMORTAL

    • inhumanrampager

      Fucking win.

      • Malamor

        +1000! Total win

  • Chet Stedman

    Virgins Riding Bikes are kvlt as fuck!

  • adamz

    “and after our balls drop, we can start burning churches!”

    • tsniagaesir

      EPIC WIN! If this doesn’t take the prize it will be a sad day on metalsucks.net

  • Matt

    At night they ride

    By day they get beat up

  • tsniagaesir

    Abbath does not approve

  • Autonocuous

    Trve Arabian Black Metal

  • aud10ph1le44

    It’s a hard knock life being the only two Scandanavian kids in a Middle Eastern country.

  • Dirtman73

    After the tragic shrink-ray incident, the surviving members of Immortal were forced to perform in mini-BMX races to support themselves.

  • deanerhead

    Are mimes that resort to props really mimes?

  • AARONIUS

    “I told you it was a bad idea to have Dani Filth and Shagrath be executive producers on the new season of Barney and Friends!”

  • sorryamerica

    It wasn’t a very happy Halloween this year, for many were slain.

  • no-ghost

    “But I don’t wanna see santa”

  • Matt S

    Huffy: proud sponsor of the 2011 Inferno Metal Festival

  • Wildman

    Immortal releases music video for their cover of Chamillionaire’s “Ridin’ Dirty”
    The metal world sheds a tear

  • A2James

    Fucking bikes, how do they work?

    • doubleA

      HAHA nice ICP reference

    • >_>

      Really? You couldn’t have said anything a little less obvious?

  • A2James

    Al-Qaeda-core

  • Slaughterhouse

    Now that the rethrash movement is over, posers have moved on to the reblackmetal

  • Anthony

    King Diamond didnt know he had children.

  • Vlad

    Brothaz back home don’t know bout’ my movntain bikes.

  • Double D

    Swedish students atop their iron beasts of Hell prior to the first day of school.

  • Deth

    Some attendees of the annual Gathering of the Juggalos don’t have cars – so they have to start out for the festival early.

  • http://schenkeltown.blogspot.com SchenkelTown

    Dimmu Ten-Gear

  • Dan B

    The twins from Rob Zombie’s remake of the Shining.

  • Brock Sterns

    “As you can see from this photo, our product appeals to a wide variety of demographics and musical tastes.”
    Randy’s pitch for the Dildo-seated bicycle was not going as well as he had hoped.

  • http://deleted Ken

    BM X. the newest in extreme sports.

    • Jason

      1

  • DeathToAll

    Emperor when they were kids.

    • rotundo the clam

      bravo.

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    A sign for the Norse hordes to ride

  • darthbane21

    “Now, every new King Diamond series Huffy bicycle comes with your very own tin of black and white grease paint!!”…”skull head mic sold separately.”

  • canea

    Mortals! Watch as I perform an unholy cherrypicker!

  • Sylvester

    The spokesmen for the new BMBMX Association!!!
    Bicycle is Krieg!!!!

  • Permafrost

    Abbath and Demonaz, age 10.

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Dang! You got shocks, pegs… lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Devon-Czekaj/550092101 Devon Czekaj

    It’s a little known fact that black metal was actually started in response to Norwegian parents who were too lazy to teach their kids how to ride a bike.

    harlequindevon@gmail.com

  • Romaould the Loquacious

    On set for Immortal’s shooting of their cover song turned music video, Handlebars by The Flobots.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/James-ONeil/784948873 James O’Neil

    The guy on the left is actually holding a giant invisible dick.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brandon-Theodore-Funkmeister/666126214 Brandon Theodore Funkmeister

    Jihad Metal.
    Hermod111(at)hotmail.com

  • http://twitter.com/tylermassie Tyler Massie

    We like to ride our bikes while we play with the mystical orb of METAL!!

  • Sacajawea

    In a fit of rage over MetalSucks’ decision to celebrate glam all week, these two MS readers decided to start a site in which they record themselves blasting black metal as they get drunk and crash their bycicles into Vince Neil everytime he steps out of his house.

  • reoviridae

    ” Oh shit, did you hear that? Heimdall blew his horn, it’s ragnarok!” – “Geez dude, cool down, i just farted…”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jordan-Oates/1476540021 Jordan Oates

    Even at a young age Dani FIlth and Paul Allender (sp?) were oblivious that just adding corpsepaint does not make it grim and kvlt

    jco5055@psu.edu

  • Spooks

    Come to the dark side, we have BMXes

  • Sacajawea

    Ov Heck: The Underage Regime

  • Jason

    BM 101, Starting a paper route the tr00 way: The Kvlt way!

  • http://myspace.com/shepherdsgatemusic,myspace.com/burymeinsmokemusic Michael “The Armenian Demon” Fenton

    Now that we have risen from the dead let us ride forth into the night and TP Kimberly’s parents house!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Juan-J-Pinto/1155113559 Juan J. Pinto

    Now we know how System Of A Down started the road

    • Double D

      What?

    • What

      What?

  • Sacajawea

    “When you combine bicycles and black metal, the laws of gravity no longer apply. YOU TOO can ride on the walls of parking garages just like us.”

    Sorry, just thought that looked very much like they are riding on the wall.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Philip-Wilke/1156206203 Philip Wilke

    “Dude, I told you! Scaring those birds by riding into them really fast was a shit idea!”

  • BTK666

    BMX Ass Bandits.

  • BTK666

    Hey you kids wanna see a dead… AAAAAAAAAH!

  • Nic

    Riding on two brutal wheels across the barren wasteland known as “the skatepark”.

  • Seanicus

    Fuck invisible oranges, I’ve got invisible juice boxes.

  • Tyler

    Childhood ist krieg

  • pigchop

    children of an much lesser god.

  • TanyaRocksMe

    Young Black Metal fans have to get to the show somehow.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Richard-Adragna/18902481 Richard Adragna

    They escaped from Gaahl’s basement.

  • Diogo Ricardo

    BMX = Black Metal Xtreme

  • Major Zim

    ahhh, they grow up so fast.

  • Major Zim

    So THIS is where the chupacabra stories got started!

  • Brian

    Im a cowboy (huge guitar squeal), on a steel horse I ride,
    Wanted, Dead or Alive

  • garrett

    An ancient sign of past childhood, thunder of vehicular manslaughter!

  • Cryzthormagnusian

    What do you mean The Christpunchers is already taken?

  • Bilbsy

    When Mexicans immigrate to Scandinavia….Yaaah Sure! Now that’s a Contradiction!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Juan-J-Pinto/1155113559 Juan J. Pinto

      Now THAT was racist BUT fucking hilarious

  • http://www.heavyblogisheavy.com/ Alkahest

    Track Metal is the hottest craze in Norway right now.

  • Anthony

    Varg and Euronymous before the infamous tyre-puncturing incident.

  • Joe

    Ride to Die, Die to Ride

  • nailbombdeath

    At least theyre on tour

  • davin

    The official icp motorcycle club.

  • Adam Vance

    Dimmu Borgir-cylce.

  • Dwarfskeet

    Twin day at school in Norway.

  • kidgruesome

    These kids are literally on their way to Helltrack. (Am I showing my age with a reference from the movie Rad?)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Clayton-Russell/553693986 Clayton Russell

    We’re almost to the Gathering of the Juggalos, and our clown make-up is awesome!

  • Death by Lyons

    I FORGOT MY TRICK OR TREAT BAG!!!

  • Gilbert

    “Fuck baliwood i want some fucking starbucks!” – Pipi-vajaja

  • Jonathan

    With so many bands like Slipknot, Mushroomhead, and ICP wearing makeup, it wasn’t long before the big kids on the block started with heavier makeup than any girl would dream of.

  • http://farcethemusic.com Trailer

    The King Diamondback racing bike was unveiled Thursday to mixed reviews.

    • Jirky

      LOL!

  • ArbySKULLsplit

    EPIC!

  • Drewtastic

    Transilvanian Huffies

  • Pony

    The famous fat motorcycle twins before they could get a license

  • WowWee!

    Who needs motor cycles when you can ride on pedals from Hell.

  • Jacob

    Lance Armagedda

  • Failure

    Black Metal Bicyle Club

    CaptainFailure@gmail.com

  • Ryan Marsh

    The Kvlt-Krew takes to terrorizing the streets again

  • Grim Lyons

    Another! New side project by Fenriz, ” Transylvanian Bike-A-Thon”

  • Dink

    Oh look, its the new 1349 speed mongoose.

  • Abhishek Duggal

    This is exactly why Kiss shouldn’t have a Reality Show!

  • Raoul Dukenstein

    The 3rd world doesnt understand black metal anymore than musicians do.

  • Watty

    This is what happens when Liam Cormier is taken too seriously…

  • Patrik

    KING DIMONDBACK

    • Patrik

      woops… KING DIAMONDBACK

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ben-Robson/1375985482 Ben Robson

        hahahahaha

        • Kevin

          Damn… beat me to it!

  • Jonathan

    “They see me rollin’, they hatin’, christians trying to catch me ridin’ heavy, tryin’ to catch me ridin’ heavy…”

  • RoadKillDevil

    mom should of swallowed

  • Dean

    “Please, no ‘pedal to the metal’ jokes…”

  • Noel

    Its not only suburban white boys – even arab kids want to be black.

  • metallicbrian666

    Circle The Red Wagons

  • metallicbrian666

    Nothing beats a Little Kiss

  • Jeff

    Although the young black metallers failed at church burning, stealing bikes from a Christian kids camp was a worthy consolation.

  • http://en.gravatar.com/accounts/activate/mike_b59%40hotmail.com/f0eefeea37 Michael Barnaby

    A new definition to Unhold Crusade.. Who needs spikes when you can get Streamers for your handle bars..

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Hugo-Le-Roux-Boutin-cousineau/552132240 Hugo Le Roux Boutin-cousineau

    These are the kinds of gangstas you’ll find in Norway.

  • http://farbeyonddriven87.tumblr.com Voltron Futura

    Can I just say that this is quite possibly my favorite picture ever. Thank you MetalSucks for bringing this picture into my world.

  • chris

    Hi im Skid Mark and this is Papa Willie from the band Merciless Fart.We are just here to tell you your momma was right,dont make this face for too long or it WILL stay that way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lance-Zeran/100000142665110 Lance Zeran

    HOLY FUCKING SHIT ANOTHER CORPSE PAINT PICTURE?

    I know I won’t win, but Zeraninator@gmail.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ian-Cairncross/1530102028 Ian Cairncross

    Last one to the bottom ov the hill has to drink the goat’s blood

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ian-Cairncross/1530102028 Ian Cairncross

    Last one to the bottom ov the hill has to drink the goat’s blood

    surfnskian@sbcglobal.net

  • Rob

    I thought we agreed to both wear pants… now no one is going to take our music seriously!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jake-Lentz/20725060 Jake Lentz

    Pictured above: a proposed elementary school uniform in Oslo, Norway.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Barry-Gilpin/791554842 Barry Gilpin

    Holy shit, is this what Lance Armstrong looks like when he’s not on steroids? Or is the cancer back?

    gilpdawg@gmail.com

  • Moltanic

    Fucking bicycles how do they work?

    Moltanic@Gmail.com

  • alex nouaux

    new dimmu borgir album = allah-hadabra

  • 6infinite6hatred6

    Schwinntroll.

  • arkhamxinmate

    Man is it just me or is this lead based paint burning your skin too?

  • arkhamxinmate

    First kid: let’s ride bikes!
    Second kid: ok only if we paint our faces like cthonic and I can wear those tight pants.
    First kid: fine well my sister wants to take a picture to soo look evil or I’ll tell her you jerk off to your moms underwere fvker!

  • daniel

    BMX Bandits !

  • Howie

    It sucks that they can no longer afford gas money but hey, Gathering of the Juggalos tickets are expensive. You make sacrifices.

    Just to be sure: hacksaw665@hotmail.com

  • Marcel

    Into glory we will bike!

  • ITTOA666

    Varg Bikernes.

  • Teddy

    Hoffman, half metal.

  • samincolour

    “…So I grabbed his head like this, and said, ‘I FUCKING LOVE RED BIKES!!’ So to cut a long story short, how do you like my new red bike?”

  • jacob beaudoin

    the cancer bats video shoot for “black metal bicycle”

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ian-Wilmot/1177765489 Ian Wilmot

      love that song

  • Frampler

    “Black metal glow pop? Keith Buckley will not be happy”

  • Zeram

    Storm of the bikes bane

  • Gordon Albert

    Harald & Olve’s first journey to Blashyrkh

    Email: gordon.albert@gmail.com

  • jacob

    Incest is so much more fun when you dress up for it

  • C4

    In their early days, Sepultra tried black metal.

  • Hatchettothehead

    Mirai Kawashima was struck with inspirition for his band name while going through his old childhood photoalbum. After coming across this picture, he let out a deep, *SIGH*.

  • Malamor

    “Don’t worry ese…We will ride right by those stinkin’ boarder patrols!”

  • http://www.segadriven.com Hairyman

    “Duuuuude! That tail whip was fucking Immortal!”

    hairymanlewis[at]hotmail.com

  • Kevin

    King Diamondback.

  • Sliv

    Prince on the set of Purple Rain 2: The Burning Church of the Eternal Kvltness

  • Josh

    Does this make the Batman logo on my bike any more br00tal?

  • KillerKB

    Fuck! The Highway To Hell Doesn’t Have A Bike Lane!

  • Biclops

    When Behemoth play Warped Tour, nobody wins.

  • Tacoloft

    ‘Dude I told you bikes and botox would be killer!”

  • http://www.sciencelost.com ScienceLost

    Karl and Sven, confused by the meaning of “black” in Black Metal, begin stealing neighborhood bicycles.

    • Malamor

      +1 fucking funny!

  • Daniel Ekrem

    Cookie Monster Garage

  • Vakarm
  • Satan’s Poopshoot

    BMX. (Black Metal/Motor Cross)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Luke-Darrah/1298952081 Luke Darrah

    Paperboy Part Deux: I’ll Decapitate You with The Sunday Paper

  • zacherly@hotmail.com

    Sword of Darkness rides again!

  • d.o.g.o.b.g.y.n.

    Black Metal Xcrement

  • ben

    trve kvlt huffy

  • Yevosl

    Abbath stole my bike

  • boseefuss

    Gummo II …..Slated for release on 12/21/2012 and presented in eye popping 3-D

  • Matthijs Ouderland

    “BitchKrieg”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Sean-Heron/9391234 Ryan Sean Heron

    I never realized that Pablo and Juan, the guys to mow my lawn once a week for two dollars a day, were into black metal.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Sean-Heron/9391234 Ryan Sean Heron

    these guys think that if they pose as black metal fans The Arizona police will never catch on to them.

    • metallicbrian666

      Haha, nice

  • themutedhorn

    Exhibit A in the Abbath and Demonaz paternity suit. The fastest case on record.

  • Metaljesus

    Careful, though your makeup is running, Gene Simmons might try and sue you for using his image.

  • Jirky

    On a Trek to Hell.

  • fightingmike

    “I’m Sorry Francis, the Bike’s not for sale!!!”

  • ben

    Jesus, now the iimmigrant mexican workers are forced to pick INVISIBLE oranges too?

  • Tom

    black metal bikers we’ll put cherry bombs in your church’s toilets

  • EJ666

    Corpsepaint? What corpsepaint? We´re fucking freezing!

  • jwean

    as it turns out, the “BM” in BMX does not stand for black metal.

  • ryan d.

    why are bmx bikes all of a sudden becoming so popular in the black metal scene?

  • Argonaut 666

    Nothing makes Jose angrier than when American tourists assume that ‘metallica’ means ‘metal’ in Spanish

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andy-Beaman/1260212418 Andy Beaman

    Black schwinphonic homophonicus mexicanible-core

    andydna2012@gmail.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christopher-Michael-Pitts/1430511914 Christopher Michael Pitts

    Ahh Black Metal…Handlebars…

  • XLX

    BMX (Black Metal Xtreme) Champions Matt Frostman and Ryan Nightfist getting ready to tear up some ramps in Oslo. SHRED IT LIKE SATAN!!!

  • Marc

    Insane Kazaam Posse

  • That Metal Dude

    Trve Black Pedalers!

  • jeff

    kiss ride bikes for charity

  • alex

    tony chalk and shaun whiteface ride together

  • D. Bliss

    The real reason for Øystein Aarseth’s murder finally comes to light upon discovery of this childhood photo, revealing former bandmate Varg Vikernes’ displeasure with Aarseth’s unwillingness to pose more “kvlt.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shawn-Marcus-Herber/583077682 Shawn Marcus Herber

    black metal guy on left …”nachooooooooooooooooooooooo.o…oo.o…o….o grim”

    spill_the_sashy666@yahoo.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Reed/1155463542 Ryan Reed

    To this day Beetlejuice still regrets not getting Delia that abortion.

  • TurboRingtail

    -Dawg, yo sista’s jeans are wedging up my balls! I.. can… hardly… breath..
    -Aight man, I’ll rip that out fo you in 3…2….

  • BruisedMetal

    pre teen vampire on huffy’s are so lame

  • Gasputin

    The power of bikes compels you!! The power of bikes compels you!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dave-Colbert/535041444 Dave Colbert

    A blaze in the middle-eastern sky

  • Vordek

    Upon realizing that their bikes go to eleven.

  • http://www.myspace.com/goatheadcorp Goaty13

    Cycle Of Dead Children

    LOL XD

  • Tortiss

    BLIKE METAL! HARHARHARHARHAR!

  • http://www.thebulletbelt.blogspot.com Benign

    The black metal Cycle.

  • yoyoma

    To be, or not to be? That is the question.

  • Rahm Stein

    “Hello Danny. Come play with us. Come play with us, Danny. Forever… and ever.. and ever…”

  • J

    Cancer Bats inspiration for “Black Metal Bicycle”

  • Brandon

    Raj (right): “Hey, Hamir, wanna race through the carpathian forest, past the mountains of might, and to the border of the fields of long gone prescence before the celtic frost sets in?”

    Hamir: “Sure thin-…..DAMN YOU GOD OF ASHPALT & GRAVEL!! MY CHAIN HAST SHATTERED!!”

  • http://blovetoast blovetoast

    check: stray on tan, yes
    check: kiss reject makeup, yes
    check: dykes on trikes, yes
    check: stupid pose, yes