Green Eggs and Slam

ARE YOU AN INTERNET METAL NERD? I’M HERE TO HELP!

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If you’ve ever told someone that BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME is better than HATEBREED… you just might be an internet metal nerd. If you’ve ever pretended you don’t like a band because they played Warped Tour and you were afraid your friends would call you a poser… well, you’re probably an internet metal nerd. If you actually think Decrepit Birth has gotten better, not worse, it’s pretty safe to say you just might be an internet metal nerd. And if you’ve ever had a nerdrage tantrum when someone calls your pet band deathcore, there’s no two ways about it: YOU’RE DEFINITELY AN INTERNET METAL NERD!

An IMN is more than simply a metal fan who also uses the internet: being an IMN is a lifestyle. And unfortunately, it’s not a recipe for success as a human being. In fact, it’s the fast track to ending up a lonely, miserable weirdo who alienates everybody but other lonely, miserable weirdos. I know this because I speak from experience: it’s not easy for me to say this publicly, but the truth is that I was once a metal nerd :(

But I’m not here to hate. As a former metal nerd who knows your pain, I am here to help: THIS POST IS A SAFE SPACE! We can be honest with each other here. There is no judgement, only real talk. Want to know if YOU are an internet metal nerd, and what to do if you are?? Find out after the break!

CONSTANT ONE-UPPING

If you’re always telling people that the stuff they like sucks and that the stuff you like is better than what they are into, you’re most likely an internet metal nerd.

As far as I’m concerned, this is the most annoying thing about metal nerds. No matter what band, genre, guitar amp or whatever that you like, an IMN will make sure to give you his excessively strong, unsolicited opinion about it. Usually they phrase it in the most irritating, pompous way possible like “Periphery >>> The Acacia Strain,” or the even-more-enraging and off-putting format, “You’re fucking retarded. [unpopular, crappy band] shits all over [more popular, better band].”

 

ENDLESS PEDANTRY & HAIR-SPLITTING

If you have to correct anybody and everybody about the most trivial, meaningless details regarding anything and everything, you’re definitely an internet metal nerd.

Pedantry is the heart and soul of being an IMN. Because IMNs are insecure betas who have nothing more important to cling to than their embarrassingly extensive knowledge of the obscure, irrelevant music they are into, they must be right about everything, or at least have the last word. The recent MetalSucks post about Sumerian Records’ plea to stop piracy is a great example. The comments that actually pertained to the topic of the post were bad enough, but to make matters worse, it quickly devolved into a rage-filled pissing contest over the penetration rates of cable internet vs DSL:

msv81 says:March 25, 2011 at 2:45 am

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD! You are from some hick state in the middle of nowhere, aren’t you? You don’t know ANYONE with cable, T1, or FIOS? How about EVERYONE I know has cable internet or FIOS. And how about the entire city of Philadelphia has free wireless internet that’s run by Comcast. Guess what Comcast has? CABLE INTERNET!!

Embarrassing, right?? As you can see, the internet metal nerd has nothing better to do at 2:45 AM than get on this site and argue with strangers over some bullshit neither of them really even care about. Whether it’s cable modems, the best Anthrax album, or Dave Lombardo’s favorite brand of shampoo, IMNs will work themselves in a frenzy of nerdrage over literally any topic. Anything related to drums/triggers, Pro-Tools or vinyl is especially likely to spark an embarrassing pissing contest/flamewar in the comments.

AFRAID TO BE UN-TR00/GO AGAINST THE METAL ORTHODOXY

If you refuse to admit to yourself or anyone else that you like anything other than tr00 metal, you’re most likely an internet metal dork!

Anytime a band comes up that plays music that’s listenable to people who don’t have ponytails and/or accounts on the metal-archive.com forums, the IMNs are quick to attack: “Ugh, anyone who likes Hinder should be put on a rocket and shot into space, then sprayed with AIDS and set on fire while Billy Milano pisses into their gaping anus.” Now, I’m not saying you’re an asshole if you don’t like every shitty mainstream band, but I do think it’s a little weird to have such strong opinions about what other people enjoy: “STOP LIKING STUFF I DON’T LIKE!!!”

As much as IMNs like to think of themselves as the arbiters of good musical taste who can’t be swayed by peer pressure, the truth is that they are the biggest conformists of them all. Because their identity is so closely tied to being tr00, they’re terrified of doing anything that would risk being excommunicated by the metal orthodoxy (such as casually mentioning that Linkin Park have a couple good songs). We all want to belong to something, so I get the whole group identity thing, but of all the groups you could pick, why internet metal nerd?! That’s like winning a trip to anywhere in the world, but choosing a 65-hour Greyhound bus ride to Detroit.

 

LOOK IN MIRROR. REALIZE YOU ARE METAL NERD. WAT DO??

If everything I said is hitting a little too close to home, it’s OK. Don’t be butthur t– sometimes the truth hurts, but when you care about someone you have to be honest with them. We might have our differences, but I love you guys and I’m just trying to help!

The truth is that nobody gives a shit whether you live or die, much less what you think about metal (or anything else). As my friend Chase Jarvis says, “Don’t hate, congratulate.” When you go out of your way to demonstrate that you ‘really know what you are talking about,’ nobody is impressed. They just think you’re a pretentious, unlikeable douchelord. If someone likes a band that you don’t, just say “Yeah man, they’re good at what they do,” and leave it at that. It’s just music, and nobody gives a fuck what you think.

If you’re an internet metal nerd, there is still hope- it’s never too late to stop being an obnoxious butthole and start being an awesome dude who people like to be around. My mantra is, “What would Good Guy Greg do??” Here’s a couple examples to start you on the path toward recovery:

 

Don’t agree with someone? Feel the need to share your thoughts? Fine, but try to do it in the most diplomatic, mild-mannered way possible- remember, there are few better ways to push people away from you than having excessively strong opinions! I speak from many, many years of experience on that one :/

 

When someone says Reign In Blood came out in 1987 instead of 1986, just let it go! It’s really not that big of a deal, brah. Repeat after me: which is more important, correcting someone’s minor error or making everybody hate you because you are a gigantic asshole.

Proptip: listening to a band is not an accomplishment. Congratulations, you googled “[band name] + mediafire.” Do you want a medal for it?

Are you an internet metal nerd?? How does that make you feel????? Will you prove my point by making angry, defensive comments in response to this post? Or are you ready to move on with your life and just be a normal dude who happens to like metal????

-Sergeant D.

Axl Rosenberg The Internet Metal Nerd couldn’t think of a clever line to go beneath this post, but please do check out Sergeant D.’s Stuff You Will Hate.

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