HOW TO TELL IF UR COOL: A GUIDE FOR METAL NERDS
If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you are an Internet Metal Nerd. You’re an expert on music, on technology, on life in general. Nobody can tell you shit, and when they try? You put them in their place with the quickness. You’ll make them regret the day they were born if they try to match wits with you. You’re the coolest fucking guy you know.
Except nobody else seems to agree with you. That awkward moment of cognitive dissonance when your self-image doesn’t quite line up with reality, and everyone thinks you’re a fucking loser despite how popular your 1980s South American thrash reviews are on Metal Archives. You spent hours arranging the carefully-chosen patches on your ‘battle vest,’ but when you proudly strutted around in the mall in it, nobody was mirin. Everybody just thought you looked like an asshole. Instead of complimenting you on your Sarcofago patch, they pointed and laughed. They asked you if Halloween came early this year.
Your confidence is shaken. Nothing makes sense anymore. You don’t even know what’s cool, much less whether you are cool or not. Your head is spinning, your pulse racing. You’re in a cold sweat. Wat do???
After the break: a scientific model for HOW 2 KNOW IF YOU ARE COOL!!!
Fig 1: A SCIENTIFIC MODEL OF COOLNESS
Most people take a binary view of coolness. That is to say, the conventional view is that you either are or aren’t cool. However, scholars now have a more nuanced perspective that recognizes two dimensions of coolness: what’s cool to normal people is often very different from what losers and outcasts like you think is cool. This two-dimensional model is critical to understanding your place in the world!
For example, let’s look at where some other people fit into the model. Normal people think Criss Angel is pretty cool, because he does hella crazy magic tricks and wears sweet jeans, while alternative people get extremely buttfrustrated by his very existence. On the other hand, we have Europeans. Their sense of entitlement and inflated self-importance irritates the fuck out of normal people, but for some reason alternative people seem to think they are cool. Not sure why. And then there are people like Justin Timberlake, who everybody pretty much agrees is a chill guy who seems pretty cool. What’s not to like about him??
Fig 2: THE FOUR KINDS OF PEOPLE
Since whether or not other people like you or not is pretty much the biggest factor in whether you are a happy person (srs), it is very important to understand your position in society. I think it’s safe to say that most of us fall into the bottom half of this chart (note that I placed myself solidly in Alphabeta territory). The only real question is whether normal people accept u or not!
It is very important that you are honest with yourself when you use this diagram. We all wish we were in the upper right box, but that’s just not reality for most of us. If you want to type out a stangry reply about how you ‘like metal but get along with all kinds of people’ and are ‘rly happy with your lief fukk u’ then by all means go for it. But we will all know it’s a lie, and you are only cheating yourself. It could take u years to learn this stuff on your own :(
The best case scenario is that you are an Alphabeta: someone who the true outcasts, losers, and failures look up to. Like if you play in a band that attracts male groupies who want to ask you about how much you tighten your double bass pedal, or maybe you write for a moderately popular blog for overly intelligent, socially awkward young males who like weird music. At worst, you are the guy talking some poor motherfucker’s ear off about what kind of speakers are in his bass cabinet when he really just wants to take a couple shots and try to stab the guts of the 6.5/10 who bought a shirt from him earlier that night. “Yah thanks for the support bro but listen I gotta roll thanks bro,” he says hurriedly, leaving you alone with your Necrophagist tabs, handwritten on your dad’s good paper (supposed to be for his proposals ONLY!!).
Fig 3: WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR LIEF
If your first reaction to this diagram is “Whatever I seriously don’t even care what anybody thinks about me, if u don’t like me then fukk u,” then you’re exactly the kind of person who needs to pay close attention to it!! Depending on where you fall, there are three basic ways to proceed:
- Keep Doing What You’re Doing
I was pretty charitable with this: as long as SOMEONE thinks you’re cool, then you’re more or less doing it right. Sure, it kinda sucks if the only people on your jock are dudes in camo shorts with long, stringy hair, but it’s better than nothing! - Suiside Yourself
If you mis-managed your life so badly that even metal fans think you suck, then it’s probably just time to CTRL+Q. You’re probably not going to be able to turn this one around. Sorry brah but sticking around longer just means more pain :( - Rethink UR Priorities
If u are an alphabeta IMN-idol, all is not lost. Just have the courage to make those tough decisions: stop wearing boots, cut that ponytail off, and put a couple breakdowns/dubstep parts in your next song!
Do u consider yourself ‘cool’??? Which of the four types of people are you? How will u adjust ur priorities based on my research????
-Sergeant D.
Sergeant D. teaches you how to be cool every day at Stuff You Will Hate.
