...And F*ck You Too

Former Attack Attack! Bassist John Holgado is the Stupidest Human Being Ever

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When I saw both the Lambgoat headline “Attack Attack! singer quitting band” AND the Lambgoat headline “Attack Attack! bassist leaves band” both in my RSS feed, I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, or maybe Lambgoat’s first story was an error and the second story was a correction. But no: both hilariously named vocalist Caleb Shomo and less-hilariously-named bassist John Holgado have now left the group. Shomo, you may recall, was promoted from keyboardist to front man after Rosie O’Donnell quit the group in 2009. Lambgoat says that “the band has reportedly lined up a replacement” for Shomo, so I guess the remaining members, guitarist Andrew Whiting and drummer Andrew Wetzel, are not gonna let the AA! dream die just yet.

That’s a shame, obviously, and we can only hope that the group’s fans refuse to accept this new vocalist, or, better still, hear Led Zeppelin for the first time and finally realize they’ve been supporting fucking bullshit for the past four years.

In the meantime, at least we have a hilariously stupid statement from Holgado to amuse us. It’s VERY long, but it’s so goddamn funny that I couldn’t resist going through the entire thing and adding my own running commentary. Please note that I have not altered any of the text in any way — this is seriously what the dude wrote. Additionally, please note that not a one of these statements is written in comprehensible English, and a few of them are pretty much guaranteed to make you go cross-eyed:

“To clear things up in a very cliche manner, Andrew Whiting, Andrew Wetzel, and Caleb Shomo have been and will always be some of my best friends. The reason I decided to leave had only been lingering in my head for the past 6 or so months. If only I had a way to state this reason but it simply is more than just a resolved answer because what is relevant with why I left, concerns the past 2 of the 5 years we have toured as a band. For those who’ve read this far, you now know I’ve left, and to the readers who would like to hear what has almost ended and could have taken any relationship I could ever imagined with my friends, family, and especially… myself.”

Um… what?

“Well those who have continued reading, I could not thank you enough to be open ears to what is to be my first ever attempt to voice what I have to say in the years I’ve been with AA!”

Um… seriously… what???

“These have been the best and the absolute worst past years of my life and I know that for a fact.”

I am equally impressed by your ability to recall your own life and your ability to see into the future.

“Nothing will replace all of the memories I’ve made with the countless amounts of friends and or what I consider a part of my family that I’ve been gracious to meet.”

It was gracious of you to meet them? Or are you grateful to have met them?

“I, today, for once have reviewed my life in my head in a positive way. I really do mean that. I say that, because what I learned was wrong growing up as a kid, I slowly, so slowly over the years of touring began to think was right. I’m not intending to skew being in a band or touring or anything involving music. I am admitting, and fully embarrassing myself in front of you all because I hope one day, at least one of you will reconsider ever taking what your parents granted you the opportunity with, which is the ability to live.”

Re-reading this a second time, it makes much more sense, because I understand what he’s trying to express. Reading it the first time, I started bleeding out of my ears.

“I today, am admitting that I am was/were/have been/am clinically depressed. Why such a confusing statement?”

That’s not really such a confusing statement. I mean why you felt the need to differentiate between “am,” “have been,” and “am,” or include “were” at all when really just “am” would have sufficed, is slightly confusing, but still, this is pretty much the only straight-forward statement you’ve made thus far.

“Because my book doesn’t end at the first chapter.”

See, now THAT’S a confusing statement.

“I would say the first chapter would be first”

Well thank Christ your first chapter is first.

“…and foremost distancing myself from something everyone else has in common..My blood related family and relatives.”

OH, you mean first and foremost, your opening chapter would be ABOUT distancing yourself from your blood-related family and relatives. Okay. Well that could have been better-phrased.

Also: your blood-related family and your relatives are the same thing. You can tell because there are two variations of the word “related” in there. Also, because it’s common fucking sense.

Also also: we do not all have your blood-related family and relatives in common.

“My family meant the world to me, they raised me to what they thought was best…”

Dude, please, just read this out loud and tell me if you think it sounds like English. Seriously. Just give it a shot.

“…patient enough to deal with my flaws, and supported me every single bit of the way to success that I myself would try and reach. What went wrong though? The lack of communication, of myself and to others.”

Communication has to be between multiple parties or it’s not communication, it’s schizophrenia.

“I hate to make this public but I come from a split family.”

I would wager that if your parents are divorced, that’s public record. It’s not like you just shamed them by admitting that, like fifty percent of all married couples, they at a certain point decided that their relationship just wasn’t working.

“My parents tried so hard even though they went through what had to happen to make my brother, sister, and myself happy. What took me away from this seems like touring, but again was myself. Please If you could take anything from this if you’ve made it this far, is to accept who you are, who you were, where you came from, and what you will be. I cannot reiterate enough how valuable your own identity is.”

Unless your own identity is that of John Holgado, English Teacher Applicant.

“This is where I chose to embarrass myself…. I am fully aware that anyone could judge me or point fingers and laugh…”

NNNNNOOOOO, never.

“…but hey, I’m enjoying my life as of now and nothing will ever bring me below where I’ve already hit.

I slowly without the guidance of my parents, was doing life on my own at the age of 16, dropped out of high school…”

No fucking shit? Never woulda guessed.

“…and hit the road. Your brain is such a valuable thing that everyone is born with…”

No, if everyone was born with my brain, this statement would be at least semi-coherent, if most likely riddled with typos. It would also include an apology for any harm I have done helping to create the music of Attack Attack!

“…but not a single one would ever be like anyone else’s…”

That’s deep, brah.

“Unless you have the capability of repetitive negative thoughts.”

Wait… if you have that capability, in that instance, your brain is like everyone else’s? Huh?

“I am saying this because I hope that by reading this, you at least know what really DID happen to me, and how powerful your brain really is.

“With these years of touring without a guiding light, I unintentionally trained my brain to accept that the fears in my head, are the fears in front of me.”

“I cannot even begin to tell you how many days have went by on and or off tour where I have legitimately, lied in bed the whole day looking at the ceiling. Seems so simple to fix right? Just get out of bed and do something why don’t you? Well that’s where my family again is relevant to this situation.”

Why, did they tie you to your bed or something?

“I tell you, I absolutely did not listen to anyone or anything, and excuses became my most comfortable flaw… It literally, and LITERALLY, took me taking a chance at raising a 8 week old pup on my own.”

WHAT. THE FUCK. IS HE TALKING ABOUT? THAT IS THE SHITTIEST SEGUE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.

“My god the first three days were hell. Over and over my anxiety and depression triggered my brain that this is a useless act of selfishness. The dog would seem to never listen.”

You were ready to give up on training the dog after three days? Why so impatient? It’s raising a living creature, not learning to play bass for Attack Attack!

“My impatience was already over my head…”

So you didn’t understand your impatience, either?

“I did not have a positive chance in even thinking I could make a change for the better.

“It suddenly clicked in my head… I simply never listened.”

“Orr lerned 2 reed orr rite”

“That moment was the first step in changing my life, and what felt so good about it, was unselfishly, it was for myself.”

“A ease was off my shoulders but a boulder still remained… And it gets more embarrassing..”

I am not following this narrative at all, dude. You were depressed so you got a puppy and you thought you couldn’t train the puppy and that made the burden on your shoulders even worse (because “a[n] ease was off my shoulders” does not mean “a burden was off my shoulders,” dingleberry)?

“For months now I’ve thought that I was homosexual.”

“This is where my oh so creative conscience was capable of making me fear what I feared..”

“I am no way saying that being homosexual is a bad thing but to me, it felt like such an unaccepted way of life by my peers. Oh it killed me until this day that every moment I woke up, someone would publicly acclaim it, and I would… I really don’t know. This is in the meantime in my conscience of me laying looking at the ceiling. This is real stuff. I wouldn’t have announced this if I didn’t intend on bettering myself, or having the smallest chance of helping one of you.”

Struggling with your sexuality is obviously a very serious issue, and I don’t want to make light of it. I do, however, want to continue to make light of how the public school system has so completely failed you. So:

“Ill reiterate, train your brain to focus on what you know is right, and not what is and or has surrounded you. Not everyone is perfect so I’m not saying that the people who make it to this will be saved or meet my criteria but hey it’s worth a shot because I suffered enough and so badly alone that I would never, ever want to hear what happened to a life I once cherished, to occur again.”

“The flaws above we’re only some of the ‘identifying traits’ that we’re so skewed in my head.”

Oh my god, dude, “we’re”? Seriously? Twice???

“Why were my views so skewed?”

AND THEN YOU GOT IT RIGHT IMMEDIATELY THEREAFTER. WHAT THE FUCKING MOTHERFUCK?!?!

“Because of the uncomfortable surroundings I became ever so comfortable in. I’m not saying this to point fingers or hate or burn bridges but I have your attention and this is what I have to say.

“Two things I hope you take my advice on with never choosing to disobey.”

 

“Please….

“You are what you are around. You are, what you think.”

“I wish you could feel my heart beating right now… This is where I knew I confidentially could reveal all of this to you.. Saying everything above was the boulder I have been waiting to get off my shoulders for the past two years…. I’ve accepted my thoughts which were skewed by flaws, my actions that were unintentionally developed by who I was around.

“Since you kept reading, and by now have your attention, I feel comfortable to tell you guys this, Stop cursing.”

Was that the whole point of this? Stop cursing? Fuck you.

“Think about it, as simple as saying ‘f*ck that band’ will skew the relevance of instead saying ‘eh, I don’t really like them.'”

Fuck you again. Also, that sentence doesn’t mean anything.

“Or if you say dude that’s gay, You could just not say gay at all and grow up and say something much more positive… This list could go on…”

Well at least we agree on something.

“Also… Please surround yourself with what your heart feels is right. If you can’t sleep at night, consider your thoughts by the end of the week while your conscience is talking to you before you goto bed, and wake up to the next day intending on being comfortable in a comfortable supportive environment.”

I much prefer the challenge of being comfortable in an uncomfortable environment. Asshole.

“Your family is what I recommend.”

Uh, I dunno dude. Have you met my family?

“If you claim no family then your legal guardian.”

Then your legal guardian what? Should go out and find you some more family?

“There’s a reason that those people are feeding you everyday…”

Because it’s the law that you feed your children?

“Because they want you to succeed. Some things fear mongers will retreat from.”

Like a well-fed child? What the fuck does this have to do with what you just said?

“Do not be defeated, instead try what seems to hurt you in order to make what you know is right.”

“Sacrifice…Whether it’s friends…Items, imaginary people…And I really mean that, I’m not smiling after that last point…You are what you think.”

Run to your family but sacrifice friends? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, SHIT FOR BRAINS?!?!

“All good things come to an end, And now I can finally breathe.

“End of chapter 1”

You’ll pardon me if I don’t read chapter two.

“You are what you think. Also im not homosexual”

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