MetalSucks

I want to take a shit in your mouth.

Why does this song sound so familiar? Oh, yeah:

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Whoops. I guess I just blew it.

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Dear Oceano: congratulations! You are now only the second worst group to add a vowel to the end of the word “ocean” and use that as your band name.

This video by the band Oceana (yes, Oceana) is only interesting for about three seconds. I suggest you skip to the ten second mark, and then turn the video off around the thirteen second mark. Because what really fascinates me about this video is the following quesiton: How many takes do you think they had to do of everyone starting to headbang all at once like that? I bet somewhere there are at least a half dozen takes where one of the band members starts too soon or too late. In fact, I think it’s fascinating that the singer is the only member of the band who doesn’t partake in the synchronized rockin’ out… or any rockin’ out during the rest of the video. It’s as though he were too stupid to take even the slightest direction, so whomever was in charge decided “Let’s not have him move at all and people will think it’s part of the ‘meaning’ of the video!”

I hope this is just the latest in a trend of bands using a completely fake and meaningless variation on the word “ocean” – we can have Oceani, Oceanu, Oceany,and a few dozen other bands that were too lazy to use an actual word as their band name.

-AR

Thanks to Samuel A. Favata for the tip.

Things just haven’t been the same since Rosie left The View Attack Attack! The world has become a Bill Withers song – it feels colder outside, and the sun seems to be setting earlier than it was just a few weeks ago, as though it can’t even be bothered to shine. Life without the classic Attack Attack! lineup that changed the face of metal – nay, music itself – forever just barely seems worth living.

Luckily, Rosie promised “I will be starting something new soon,” and while we all assumed that this “something new” would be another gay cruise for HBO to inexplicably broadcast, Sergeant D at Stuff You Will Hate (by way of Weedsteeler) has discovered that Rosie has posted an ad on Craigslist looking for recruits for a new band. I’m not entirely sure how anyone knows that this posting is by Rosie, but I trust the investigative reporting skills of my fellow bloggers.

Here’s the posting:

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Vince really likes Buckcherry, but I’ve never gotten into any of their songs that aren’t the big hits – namely, “Lit Up” (a.k.a. “the one about cocaine”) and “Crazy Bitch” (a.k.a. “the one about fucking”). Like so many bands that hoped to be the Appetite-era Guns N’ Roses of the late 20th/early 21st century, Buckcherry always just felt like they were trying way too hard to prove what a bunch of bad-asses they are. GN’R never actually used the words “cocaine” or “heroin” in a song – Buckcherry’s biggest hit finds them shouting “I LOVE THE COCAINE! I LOVE THE COCAINE!” In case anyone doubted that they were the real deal. Puh-lease.

So. Former Buckcherry bassist JB Brightman has a new band, Black Robot, and – no shock here – it’s readily apparent that they want to be AC/DC. If you’re one of those people who unironically loves retro-hard rawk that has no sense of originality whatsoever, then you will probably dig this band. And whatever you do, stay away from Loudermilk and Manmade God – bands that actually make excellent, original hard rock.

And, hey, guess what? Black Robot covered Clapton’s “Cocaine!” How original! How shocking! What a bunch of bad-asses! Now I can finally burn my copy of Appetite for Destruction!

Barf.

-AR

I guess I don’t really mind Atreyu wrecking the legacy of The Neverending Story so much; when I was a kid I thought it was a cool movie, but I haven’t watched it in years, and I don’t have any real desire to, which tells me something, y’know?

On the other hand, the original Ghostbusters is surely one of the best Hollywood movies ever made, a truly retarded idea executed with such perfection as to seem not quite so idiotic.

So I’d just like to tell the members of the band Zuul to go fuck themselves. They’re a second-rate retro metal band, and not at all worthy of tainting my pre-adolescent memories of the tingly feeling caused by Sigourney Weaver in a flowing red dress, barking like a dog. Please change your name to Leonard Part 6, or a reference to some other 80s movie I don’t give a shit about.

That is all.

-AR

RUFKM? (AKA “Are you fucking kidding me?”) takes a look at stellar metal albums and their douchie one-star Amazon reviews.

Next up: Iron Maiden’s The Number of the Beast.

Nate Acephalic opined: “This is for the people who have little left in the brain and have perhaps burned one too many nerve cells. Great music to be retarded to.”

Andy critiqued: “pretty sad when the backstreet boys are a heavier band than you… his voice sounds like bea arthur trying to sing.”

Jeremy cracked: “Dudes and other genders Maiden sux bad…all i have to say…’har har look at me im all gay and stuff i listen to maiden.’”

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Meet Senor Bivins. I read about him this morning on Sergeant D’s Stuff You Will Hate. Bivins posts lots and lots and lots of videos of himself on YouTube doing those vocal covers of deathcore songs that we find so amusing here at the Mansion. And the Sarge is pissed because apparently Bivins gets a lot of pussy from doing it – or, at least, he gets to take photos of himself standing next to semi-cute scene girls making obscene gestures:

It’s not clear to me whether or not he’s actually fucking these chicks or what. If he is getting groupies without even being in a band, then, well, I guess that’s a whole new scam and maybe someday Neil Strauss will write a book about him or something.

ANYWAY, even more interesting is this video of him defending deathcore as “not scene.” Check it out:

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RUFKM? (AKA “Are you fucking kidding me?”) takes a look at stellar metal albums and their douchie one-star Amazon reviews.

First up: Metallica’s Master of Puppets.

Zyke says: “I would say that if you are looking into buying this album, you should also look into sticking your head in the toilet after taking a long, smelly shit.”

Christian Soldier “Welcome to Jesus” prophesied: “Only sissey posers listen to this you girls go hug your teddy strokers.”

Flaming MudKip “Fair and Balanced Critic” proffered: “I say to avoid this album at all costs and get St. Anger. Load and Reload are awesome as well, and if St. Anger is too badazz for you, get those two first to prepare for the ANGER!!!”‘

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That’s the question that reader Nathan Werp asked us this morning via e-mail. And, no, Nathan, I do not remember this band. And based on the video of them that you sent us, I think that’s probably a good thing. Because that’s a terrible name for a band, and I think this is a terrible song. It’s just a rehashed grunge riff with irritatingly nasal vocals. Sorry, bro.

But apparently one of their members went on to be in Rwake. So if this band helped give us Rwake, then all is forgiven.

If anyone wants to defend this group… go nuts. I made it about halfway through the video and gave up.

-AR

MS reader Ajax sent us a link to a video filmed in 2007 of the band In Truth Be Valor, showcasing what might be the first recorded instance of the crab-crouch.

This video is hysterical for a million reasons, BUT…

1. It’s hilarious when the camera zooms out around the 0:50 mark and there’s all of 6 kids (I counted) standing there watching, motionless!
2. “Everybody get your hands up!”
3. Crab-crouch around 1:10.
4. The “singing.”
5. Everything.
6. etc.

So there you have it. The unsung heroes of a generation. Blame them for Attack Attack!.

-VN

MetalSucks Maniac DannyJD sent us this video by a band I’ve never heard of, Royal Anguish. And, uhhh… I don’t know what to say about it. I know some readers, like our old pal Sammy (who’s been crying foul here at MS long before Revrant or Ziltoid!), think that music videos are, at least in this day and age, completely unnecessary. That might be true, but I still love ‘em when they’re well-done, and a few times a year, you see one that reminds you just how awesome they can be.

But this is not one of those videos. If I were Sammy, I’d point to this video directly to make my anti-music video argument.

The best part comes fairly early on, at the 21 second mark, when the dude playing the piano looks like right into the camera. He’s like that vaudeville pianist from Family Guy, only eeeeeevvvviiiilllll.

-AR

Because knocking on St. Anger never loses its appeal… even this techno re-imagining of Metallica’s “St. Anger” is better than the original. See also: the cover version by Theocracy’s Matt Smith.

[Thanks: Nicholas Antonio]

Zilty sent this one in… he is on a roll today!

This “tribute” to what is (in?)arguably the worst and most reviled Metallica album in that band’s career was created by Matt Smith of the Christian power metal band Theocracy, and is probably the best thing ever to be created by a Christian power metal band. It’s sophmoric, sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s not funny.

We have a good friend who actually really likes St. Anger and the snare sound on that record. To that friend, who I love like a brother and I know is reading this, I can only say: ppppffffffftttt.

-AR

I’m holding their fucking CD in my hand I have to keep looking down to try and remember what they’re called.

Your Demise. They’re called Your Demise.

Because almost ten years later, taking any given attributive adjective and combining it with an ominous sounding noun or verb is still somehow an acceptable way for kids to name their metalcore band.

-AR

The below video is a collection of the “Best Keyboard/Synthesizer Breakdowns of All Time.” I saw it today on Sergeant D’s Stuff You Will Hate, which is certainly living up to its name. Because, y’know, I always thought “Gee, totally generic breakdowns could really use some irritating keyboards.”

A couple of good groups, like Horse the Band and Veil of Maya, seem to have snuck their way onto the list, but by and large, this stuff is just as terrible as you’d think. And let’s all thank the guy who made this for not even being able to come up with ten different bands to include – Born of Osiris and HTB are both on here twice.

Also, does The Devil Wears Prada really have a song called “Dogs Can Grow Beards All Over?” ‘Cause that would be an adorable sentiment coming from a three year old. A Christian metalcore band, not so much.

-AR

We love our readers. MS Maniac Master Chah sent us the following note last night:

Dear Metalsucks,

So…you guys didn’t say anything about new sonic syndicate video for burn this city and its been around for three days now, and I’m pretty you all don’t like this band…BUT

HOW DARE YOU NOT GIVE THEM THE PUBLICITY THEY DON’T DESERVE.

thank you for not mentioning the new video

Sorry Chah, but your email was too good to not give Sonic Syndicate the publicity they don’t deserve. We just couldn’t resist. But don’t worry; this band still blows.

-VN

I just saw Rev Theory in a magazine ad. They looked pretty ridiculous so I decided to look up their video, and, yep. They’re not good. I mean, I can think of far worse bands, but just because it’s less painful to shot in the brain than to get shot in the foot doesn’t mean you’d wanna get shot in the foot.

On the other hand, their video has busty chicks fighting. So there’s that.

-AR

Full credit goes to Reign in Blonde for finding this video. It justifies my getting out of bed this morning. Seriously.

-AR

Five Finger Death Punch is still one of the worst fucking bands ever to have existed in this genre or any other form of music. Or just sound in general.

-AR