New York City ceased to have a rock radio station many years ago, so I consider myself to be pretty out of touch with what real ‘Mericans listen to whilst driving around in their Ford F250 trucks. But every time I decide to go out of my way to see what kind of rock is popular these days in places where people fear God and deny the existence of global warming, it turns out I’m really not so out of touch after all: nothing has changed! “Loud Rock” is exactly the same as it was when I lived in Michigan between 2000 and 2005; some of the faces may’ve changed (really not very many, though), but the music, production and visual aesthetic are completely interchangeable with any number of bands from that era. It’s completely baffling how little forward progress there’s been in the past 15 years in this genre, yet it’s strangely not that surprising at all that people who actually believe Obama is a muslim fundamentalist and communist (regardless of what you think of the guy’s politics) are so resistant to change.

This rant is brought to you by the band Art of Dying, whose video “Die Trying” you can watch below. Is this Theory of a Deadman? Is this Disturbed? Is this Cold? Is this Crossfade? Who knows and who gives a fuck!

-VN

This according to Svendorrian’s manifesto video (below), in which not only does the, uh, musician introduce himself twice in about three seconds, but also gloats that his “CDs are colored black on both sides” and advises listeners to “Relax, turn the volume up, close your eyes, and let Black Northern Reign take you away, to a deeper, more focused state of reality.” Did I mention he does all of this with the public speaking skills of an aspergeric second grader?

As good as the intro vid is, though, it’s nothing compared to Svendorrian’s music video for Black Northern Reign. Apparently “a deeper, more focused state of reality” means a black metal Halloween costume from Ricky’s and a lot of crab walking (do a shot every time he moves side to side and you will be plastered in no time) while the absolute worst garbage imaginable plays:

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Remember yesterday when Sergeant D claimed in his “2012 State of the Scene Address” that we’re currently in a transition between a period where it’s cool to be fun and a period where it’s cool to be a ‘srs artist’? Eskimo Callboy are proof that at least someone’s still trying to party like it’s 2008 on MySpace.

Eskimo Callboy are all about partying, fucking, anal sex, and appreciating a certain scene website known for showing famous metal dudes dongs and Winds of Plague keyboardists’ boobs. They also have a profound appreciation of glowsticks, piercings and tattoos that they will definitely not regret in 5 years, Madonna dance moves, and crab crouches. Lyrics:

and I tell you I’m sorry girl
it was nothing personal
is anyone up?
is anyone up?
your pussy
your boobies
on the world wide web

girl it’s nothing personal
I’m sorry for this
but I think you fuck anal so well
that everybody should know

This band is horrible, and this band is gonna be huge. Sumerian or Rise or Century or someone should get on this shit.

-VN

Thanks: Rob Adams

Something I am 110% positive the world did not need is djent-rap, which is exactly what it sounds like. But I suppose it was inevitable that someone attempt djent-rap at some point anyway, because while we can’t seem to cure cancer, we can make sure that every child believes that he is a unique snowflake, and that every terrible idea he has is worth pursuing.

And so, ladies and djentlemen, I give you Hacktivist, who will probably be in the biggest band in the world a year from now.

I’m sure some of you will be tempted to defend this drek, so I’d like to pre-emptively assert that there is no defending it. Even if the guitar tone obviously owes a large debt to Fredrik Thordendal and company, the actual riffs and compositions are straight out of the Munky/Wes Borland playbook. And while there is such a thing as good rapping/flow/whatever, this ain’t it. If you like this now, I strongly suspect you will be embarrassed in five years.

Next up on the docket of awful concepts that will force their way into our reality: black djent. I guess that would be djent with croaky vocals and what my friend Nick calls “bumblebee guitars.” I fearfully await that genre’s arrival.

-AR

Thanks: Dan Wolfson

My heart lept with excitement when I recently visited Sergeant D.’s Stuff You Will Hate and saw the headline “THERE IS A BAND CALLED VERB THE NOUN!” The term “verb the noun band” is one with which any regular MetalSucks reader should already be familiar; my immediate assumption was the the Sarge had discovered a satirical group whose music made fun of such bands. Apparently that was Sergeant D.’s hope, too, as he writes: “Initially I assumed that they were a lulzy parody band whose premise was adopting all the genre’s obvious cliches and exaggerating them to the point of awesomeness.” And their song titles, like “Gary Busey Hairline” and “Throwing Bricks at Your Mouth,” would certainly suggest this to be the band’s goal.

Alas, this is not actually the case. The band Verb the Noun‘s music is, as Mr. D. puts it, “horrible, horrible indie/college rock, like some dreadful band who would play a high school battle of the bands and play a Dinosaur Jr cover.” So that’s majorly disappointing.

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I don’t know the name of the lead singer from Attila, and I’m too lazy to look it up. But I am reasonably certain that his dad must be Rikki Rockett from Poison, because they look so alike it’s eerie.

ANYWAY, I mention it because longtime reader Samuel Favata sent us a video (below) in which Attila give a track by track by breakdown of their new album, Outlawed. And as you’d expect from a band with this level of talent, the explanations provided are never anything less than intelligent and droll. Seriously, if the purpose of this video is to win over new fans, well, I don’t see how it could possibly fail — I mean, who doesn’t wanna be told that “You need to come to the fucking show and buy me another round, and if you don’t, then just stay home and jerk off and don’t talk to me.” It’s like this guy studied advertising with Don Draper!

If you don’t value the next three-and-a-half minutes of your life, feel free to watch the video after the jump.

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One of Victory Records’ latest signs, Design the Skyline, are from Corpus Christi, Texas, and Roadrunner’s newly-announced acquisition, At the Skylines, are from Huntington Beach, CA. So I have no idea if the bands’ paths ever crossed before, or people routinely got them confused as they ascended from their local scenes… but I imagine people will start to get them confused quite a bit now that they’re both on large, well-known labels.

And to be fair, there are some differences in the two bands’ respective sounds, but to be even fairer, those differences are pretty negligible. And to be fairest of all, I haven’t yet made up my mind about which band I hate more. I imagine it will be whichever one ends up getting more popular. ‘Cause they’re both, y’know, totally awful, and it will be hard for me to accept a reality where one or both of them have a career, while plenty of other, far more talented bands struggle to survive.

Here are music videos from each group, in case you’d like to start forgetting which one is which now.

-AR

What Would Mike Portnoy Have Done? Certainly not put clip art on his band’s album cover or subject his fans to this “snippet” bullcrap they’ve been pulling for weeks now. This is 2011, not 2005; you release full songs, not snippets. No one gives a shit about snippets.

As for the actual music in the post-Portnoy era I wouldn’t know ’cause you can’t tell dick from snippets, especially with a band like DT whose songs are 14 minutes long. The one full song they posted was swell, though (and holy crap, it has nearly 1.5 million plays!)

In other news, I heard Dream Theater signed up for a Friendster profile. Check it out here.

-VN

In April, I wrote about “Make it Precious,” a horrible video for a horrible Ukrainian scenecore band called Make Me Famous. Now it’s come to my attention that the band has an acoustic version of the song, too, which is just… well, baffling, really. It’s hard to imagine that, say, Obituary ever would have done an acoustic version of “Slowly We Rot,” as that would be both weird and inappropriate — but there doesn’t seem to be even the slightest hint of irony to Make Me Famous’ new rendition of their “hit.”

The funniest part? That they maintain all the original lyrics to the tune. So my favorite line from the song — “Admit that I just did it bitch” — is no longer screamed furiously, but sung romantically.

-AR

Thanks to J.A.M. for ruining my morning.

Over the years, metal bands have confronted a variety of dramatic and troubling topics, including war, famine, disease, religion, love, sex, drugs, mental illness, politics, and, of course, fucking with a knife.

But with their song “The Father’s Seed,” The Plot in You have turned the metal community’s attention towards another issue which should truly concern us all: unwanted pregnancy.

And that’s not necessarily a subject unfit for metal – I’ve known a bizarre amount of people who were aware that they were unhappy accidents, and, yes, that knowledge can cause some issues later in life, so I think there’s potentially a really sincere and emotional story to be told there.

But The Plot in You’s approach is SO SILLY as to provoke laughter, not thought or catharsis.

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The watershed moment for Scar Symmetry fanboys was beloved vocalist Christian Älvestam’s departure in late 2008. It’s like the death of Cliff Burton or Bon Scott, or the departure of Sebastian Bach from Skid Row; it’s that moment when a lot of fans drew solid lines in the sand and jumped ship. Despite the fact that guitarist Jonas Kjellgren has always been the primary songwriter, I get it: Älvestam is an incredibly talented vocalist and the band’s new two-pronged vocal attack is straight up goofy. I feel bad because the new guys are talented enough and I’m sure they’re cool dudes and all, but yeah… goofy is the right word to describe what it looks like when a band has two lead vocalists, and these two guys whose names are rarely ever mentioned are still no match for Älvestam.

Some group of butthurt Scar Symmetry internet trolls have taken to Photoshop for their latest display of nerdrage: a “new” cover for Dark Matter Dimensions, the first Älvestam-less album. Get it? It’s pink!! How feminine!!! You sure told Scar Symmetry how you really feel, Internet!!

-VN

Thanks: Patton and The Number of the Blog

In the mere year-and-a-half I worked at Atlantic Records I witnessed more than enough facepalm-inducing behavior to compile at least two sequels to Dan Kennedy’s brilliant, true-story account of the foibles of a major record label in the digital age. (Side note: if you work or have ever worked in the music industry, his book — Rock On! — is an absolute must read! hilarious hilarious hilarious. Buy here.)

One of my favorite and most telling moments at the company came when Staind were on the verge of releasing a new album, their umpteenth since becoming adult contemporary radio schlock, and we, the lucky attendees of the weekly marketing meeting, got to hear the brand new single, hot off the presses! New Staind! Easy-riding, units moving through retail! A surefire radio smash! The sparkling energy of the label personnel amping up to do what they do best — peddling shit music to people who live in Red States — was palpable under the uniform glow of the conference room’s flourescent lights.

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Reader Jose Carnage (real name: Jose Peacefuldiscussion) sent us a link to the below video by A Tragedy at Hand (I love it when the band name allows the bad jokes to just write themselves!), proclaiming them to be the “BEST NEW BAND EVER” and “DOPE.”

He was wrong on both counts.

I fully expect this band to be signed to Century and out-selling Hate Eternal by the end of the year.

-AR

Not that record sales alone are really a barometer of very much these days, and not that the majority of Vampires Everywhere’s fans are of record-buying-age (it’s like the new drinking age), but the amount of units Kiss the Sun Goodbye (lawlz!) shifts when it comes out tomorrow should give some indication of how many t-shirts, VE makeup kits, fangs and vampire belt buckles have been sold, right? Let the merch empire begin.

In any case, this is the first I’ve heard of Vampires Everywhere’s music since we brought the band to Century Media’s attention last year. Considering the fact that this music barely constitutes metal, I have to say that it’s a lot less offensive to metal than I’d originally thought it would be. It’s pop-emo — basically Paramore with a male (but no less pretty) vocalist — but it’s terrible any way you chose to classify it. At least Zena Metal will be happy.

-VN

Sonic Syndicate’s Karin Axelsson. Apparently there are other people in this band, too.

I was recently made aware of this post over at That’s Not Metal, and holy God, did I laugh. In short, it’s all about a show Sonic Syndicate played in Worcester in 2007, and how horribly the audience reacted to them. They were opening for Amon Amarth as a replacement for Decapitated (it was just a few weeks after Vitek passed away), and they were booed right off the stage. It was hilarious. And you know how I know it was hilarious? I was there.

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The Ukrainians have always been SUPER nice to the Jews, so I thought I’d return the favor by posting this video from the band Make Me Famous. Yes, that is the most obnoxious moniker in the history of ever, but only half as obnoxious as the terrible music the band makes.

Highlights of this video include:

• The most awkward spin-kick ever (1:11).
• The entire band and the cameraman doing choreographed bobbing-up-and-down (1:57).
• Both the lyric that the one guitarist shouts out (I won’t spoil it for you) and the guitar flip that the other guitarist does at around 3:40.

The accompanying YouTube description of the video is also pretty great. For example: “This is Make Me Famous that you’re going to see and hear on tour :)” I’m glad that people will have a chance to see and hear them, ’cause sometimes bands just get on stage and wave to the audience but don’t play any actual music, and that’s a real bummer. But I can assure Make Me Famous that I personally am neither going to see nor hear them on tour, because 1) I don’t live in the Ukraine, and 2) wild horses could not drag me to see this band live. Seriously, they could be on tour with At the Gates, Pig Destroyer, Gojira, and a Cliff Burton-era Metallica transported to 2011 via time machine, and I still wouldn’t go.

-AR

Thanks to Samuel A. Favata for bringing this wonderful addition to the art world to our attention.

Today we got an e-mail from one of the members of Scare Don’t Fear (Worst band name ever?), who promised that the band “are a Metal/Hip Hop group like no other” who “have been often called ‘The Next Chapter of Rap/Rock.’” So I knew pretty much right away that I was not going to like this band. But I can’t resist a good laugh, and nothing seems funnier than the idea of band still trying to make rap metal cool in 2011, so I decided to check out the band.

Now, there’s been some debate around here as to which terrible band claims the title of “The New Limp Bizkit.” Sergeant D. has suggested that it’s Emmure, and I’ve suggested it’s Winds of Plague. But I think we’re both wrong — it’s probably Scare Don’t Fear. This band combines horrible rapping with the worst kind of nu-metal-disguised-as-death-metal riffs. There is nothing redeeming about this.

And that’s the better of two songs they sent us — the other one, which is basically a straight-up hip-hop track with very few metal elements, is even more unbearable.

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Last week I posted about “djentstep,” a sub-genre hybrid that sounds exactly like what you’d expect and is exactly as bad as you’d expect. Shockingly, most of you seemed to share in my disapproval, which was actually more of the “who needs this? meh” variety than outright haterade.

Reader Tony Manka responded by emailing me a whole list of horrible dubstep bastardizations. The worst of those, a dub medley of Pantera riffs, is posted below. Theoretically I could envision that sample-thingy that opens “Cowboys From Hell” being turned into some kind of cool dub remix… but this just isn’t it. Feel free to disagree with me, tell me that I’m just being old, or to show your age by claiming that Pantera suck.

-VN

In the spirit of “Two Bears Review Daath’s New Self-Titled Album,” longtime MS reader jtquake presents to you “Two Dogs Discuss Emmure’s New Album.” As my hero Larry David would say, pretty, pretty, pretty good. Especially this golden nugget of a line: “I was beating Street Fighter before you were born.” A+++ WDBWA. Worth sticking with it through the last line, too, for reasons I won’t spoil for you.

-VN

As you are probably well aware, our favorite punching bag, Vince Neil, is heading to the pokey on February 15 for not knowing how to hold his booze and/or drop his car keys. But did you know he is also in trouble for not knowing how to file a 1040 tax form? Seems Vince forgot to mail in those pesky $1.1 million tax dollars last year. Oops!

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