Awhile back, there was a fan-filmed video of one of the dudes from Attack Attack! getting hit in the head with a cup of water (or, hopefully, something much ickier). And I found that video hilarious. The video is down now “due to a copyright claim” by the band’s label, Rise Records, but that’s bullshit. There are dozens, if not hundreds, of fan-filmed videos of Attack Attack! all over YouTube, all of which, theoretically, violate Rise’s copyright claim. This video was clearly taken down because it’s embarrassing to Attack Attack!

But I digress. I’m really just admitting that I found that video funny, because I’m a huge hypocrite.

See, I don’t find the below video of Doc Coyle getting hit with a cup of water while performing with Lamb of God funny because, well, a) I like God Forbid, b) I like Doc Coyle, and c) I like Lamb of God. So, yeah, I’m biased. If that’s shocking to you, you either don’t read MetalSucks very much, or are not very intelligent.

ANYWAY, one thing I do find funny about this video: Doc taking off his guitar and leaping down off the stage to confront his attacker. No, he doesn’t actually hurt anyone, but, man, I bet he put the fear of God (Forbid!) in whomever that dick wad was.

Skip to roughly 4:22 to see the whole thing go down. Hopefully whomever threw that cup woke up the next day to find that his testicles had, indeed, fallen off in the middle of the night. Assuming he had a pair to lose in the first place.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

The below video is a collection of the “Best Keyboard/Synthesizer Breakdowns of All Time.” I saw it today on Sergeant D’s Stuff You Will Hate, which is certainly living up to its name. Because, y’know, I always thought “Gee, totally generic breakdowns could really use some irritating keyboards.”

A couple of good groups, like Horse the Band and Veil of Maya, seem to have snuck their way onto the list, but by and large, this stuff is just as terrible as you’d think. And let’s all thank the guy who made this for not even being able to come up with ten different bands to include – Born of Osiris and HTB are both on here twice.

Also, does The Devil Wears Prada really have a song called “Dogs Can Grow Beards All Over?” ‘Cause that would be an adorable sentiment coming from a three year old. A Christian metalcore band, not so much.

-AR

On Sunday night we caught the Beard Destroyer 2009 tour with Hull and Batillus (sadly for us, Salome didn’t play that date). It crushed even harder than we thought it would, so we asked our friend, Batillus skinsman Geoff Summers, to do a tour wrap-up for us. We hope you enjoy!

So, here I sit with a mild case of PTD (post-tour depression) writing up this wrap report for the so-called Beard Destroyer tour featuring Salome, Hull, and my band, Batillus. We had some good times, and we had some bad times. It rained. A lot. Everywhere we went. Fortunately, though, the good dwarfed the bad. Let’s recap…

Click to read more…

Luckily for Five Finger Death Punch, being total assholes who completely lack any musical talent isn’t hurting their record sales: their new album, War is the Answer, is apparently going to sell to somewhere between 35,000 – 40,000 copies in its first week of release… and that’s just here in the U.S. That probably sounds like a lot of units moved, and you’re right. It is a lot of fucking units moved. To put it in perspective with the sales of some awesome albums that came out this week…

Click to read more…

I don’t know who you are, Stefanie Heinzmann, but give yourself a big ol’ pat on the back. You’ve managed to make Avril Lavigne look like Chuck Schulinder. I’d rather listen to Attack Attack! cover Katy Perry, fer Chrissakes.

I’m saying this sucks.

MS Maniac Charlie Famer sent this to us, and claims that it was a big hit in Switzerland last year. Assuming that’s true, I’d just like to take this moment to say suck it, Switzerland.

-AR

First of all, major credit goes to reader Daniel Stalder for bringing this to our attention.

Attack Attack! have covered Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl.”

There is nothing especially remarkable about this; shitty screamo bands cover crappy pop songs all the time these days.

However, the lyrics to this particular song make the cover that much more horrifying/hilarious.

Check it out:

-AR

At least two of you have emailed us about this kid’s bedroom guitar cover of Attack Attack!’s “Stick Stickly.” When we first looked yesterday, the video had about 1,000 views… now it has 11,000, and I’m about to make it climb even higher.

This video just confirms what we’ve all known all along, which is that Attack Attack! (and other bands like them) are popular amongst 15 year olds not because of their completely generic music but because of their look, crab-crouch, and synchronized guitar swings. Total gimmick. This kid even does it all just like the band does in their terrible video, right down to the retarded disco dance at the end.

And here’s the worst part… 3 years from now this kid is going to realize what shitty taste in music he used to have, and he’ll go on to listen to bigger and better things (hopefully). He’ll be ashamed of this ridiculous piece of YouTube detritus and he’ll probably delete it to avoid embarrassment amongst his new college chums. Then, 5-10 years after that when he’s all growed up and has a job and possibly a family, he’ll be reminiscing about the glory days of Attack Attack! with some buddies over a few beers — as will his peers elsewhere across the U.S. — and boom, the screamo-crunk-whatever-core revival is born. UGH. FUCK ME! Life sucks.

Anyway, here it is…

I don’t want to spoil the surprise… just keep in mind that this is Attack Attack!, and then fast-forward to 1:05.

Whomever threw that shit, please e-mail me to claim a prize.

-AR

Thanks to Elise at Reign in Blonde for the tip!

The above photo of Attack! Attack!, from the NY Times review of this past weekend’s Vans Warped Tour, has one of the funniest captions I’ve ever read.

Unfortunately, the author, Jon Caramanica, praises Attack! Attack! for having “one of the day’s best sets.” But he does include this tidbit, which made me giggle:

Click to read more…

Alright, people. I feel like fucking death. I just wanna go lie down and hopefully never wake up. Let’s get this over with:

• We finally finished the goddamn motherfucking list with “Albums We Wish Had Made It” entries from my man Vince (Soilwork’s Natural Born Chaos) and my girl Amy Sciarretto (DEP’s not-really-eligible Calculating Infinity).
• We got another exclusive world tour video tour diary from Misery Index. We also spoke with Johnny Kelly of Type O Negative and Seventh Void and got our bro-bros at Thrash Hits to do a video interview with Trigger the Bloodshed for us. Thanks, dudes.
• We lost IQ points just watching this video interview with the singer of Attack! Attack!
• We have it on good authority that there’s gonna be an Acid Bath reunion.
• Dallas Coyle is now answering your questions.
• So is Gwar’s Oderus Urungus.

We’ll be at Summer Slaughter on Sunday. If any of you spot us and want to buy us a drink, please, for the love of all things holy, don’t.

-AR

Interview with the lead singer of Attack! Attack! from hardtimes.ca:

There’s lots that I could say about this, but, really, the dude just hung himself, and it would be ungracious to kick him when he’s down.

Not that that will stop you from kicking him when he’s down.

And by the way, congrats to Ziltoid, whom I believe coined the phrase “crabcore,” on getting his shout-out as “some kid.” Zilty says he’s twenty and this dude is only eighteen, so, yeah, that’s funny, too.

-AR

Thanks to Mike Normandy for the tip.

Ever since discovering yesterday’s Shitstain subject matter Motionless In White, I’ve been borderline obsessed; I’ve watched the music video at least three times, as well as the video of their counterparts in suckitude, Attack Attack!. I’m fascinated; I just can’t get enough! There’s so much to be astounded and baffled by, and ENDLESS material to make fun of. Both videos have been making the Interwebs LOLz rounds rapidly. So I thought we’d take a look at the fine fashion sported by Motionless In White.

• Side-swooped haircuts: Here’s a tip guys, take back all the hours of your lives you’ve spent flat-ironing your hair and try writing some original music.

Click to read more…

This:

Also: this.

-VN

I’ve had the misfortune of witnessing the debacle that is Attack! Attack!’s new video, “Stick Stickly,” on Headbangers Ball the past two weekends. The only thing that comes to mind is D.R.I.’s “Slit My Wrist” with these thought-provoking lyrics:

Every day I get more pissed
Slit my wrist, slit my wrist

Here is the Satanforsaken video for your edification:

[Corey Mitchell writes books about serial killers, mass murderers, and the evil that men do. He is also the founder of the #1 true crime blog, In Cold Blog, and does not care about your "status" today.]