MetalSucks

Add “David Lee Roth on the Eat ‘Em and Smile tour” to the list of tours I’d visit if I had a time machine. The Vai / Sheehan / Bissonette lineup was definitely Diamond Dave’s best… if you disagree, I’m happy to engage in an e-fight to the death.

Here’s that lineup playing “Shyboy” in Detroit in 1986. Skip to 2:10 for the Vai/Sheehan double-shredathon if that’s what you’re in it for… but I can’t imagine why you’d possibly want to miss out on DLR’s stage antics.

-VN

One of the most disappointing aspects of Guitar Hero: Metallica was that you have to play with nu-’Tallica, not the Burton or even Newstead-era band we all know and love (I’m told older versions of the Four Horsemen are available as “unlockable content,” but there’s only so many hours in the day and these snarky blogs ain’t gonna write themselves.). That being said, at least the makers had the good taste to not pretend that Robert Trujillo was in the band when they recorded Master of Puppets.

Now comes this 56-second bootleg clip of Guitar Hero: Van Halen, taken at recent nerd fest videogame convention E3. At first I was like “Sweet! Look, it’s DLR and EVH when they had long hair! CLASSIC HALEN ROOLZ!!!!”

And then I saw Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen. Who not only wasn’t in the band during the early days of VH, he wasn’t even, y’know, FUCKING BORN YET. This like when the band tried to replace their cover art photos of Anthony with ones of Fatty Ding Dongs; even Axl Rose isn’t a big enough douche vag to try and completely re-write history. Bogus. Fucking bogus.

That all of this comes in the midst of EVH claiming and Michael Anthony denying that Anthony actually quit the band, and, well, it’s enough to make you wanna listen to fucking Chickenfoot. Christ.

-AR

So obviously the fact that there’s a Spanish version of David Lee Roth singing “Yankee Rose” is completely old news (to the tune of, oh, about 25 years), but is this shit not *still* completely hysterical or what?? I giggle on the inside just thinking about it.

David Lee Roth – “Yankee Rose” (Spanish)

Check out the DLR soundboard and DLR Ass-teroidz game for more endless bored-at-work entertainment.

Sonrisa Salvaje!

-VN

It’s a simple, yet controversial question. Vote below, then tell us why in the comments.

First person to say “Gary Cherone” gets banned.

n

If you were as endlessly entertained by the David Lee Roth soundboard as we were, then be prepared to say goodbye to productivity for the rest of your day thanks to the Diamond Dave Edition of Assteroidz [via MS reader Bill W., metalgf, Idolator and a million other sites]. In this Jumpilicious version of the classic video game, pilot a mid-split David Lee Roth as he attempts to fend off malicious Sammy Hagar and Eddie heads, VH logos and giant hamburgers.

-VN

Next week the U.S. gets a new President, thank fucking God, and Relapse Records is celebrating by issuing a 7″ box set of their This Comp Kills Fascists compilation. How fucking awesome is that? Until then, here’s what we’ll mull over during the long weekend (MLK day in the U.S.):

• Would you like to suck my cock, Berzerker? Or would you just like to look at some bloody titties, Berzerker?
• Lamb of God announce most awesomest tour ever with As I Lay Dying (meh), Children of Bodom, God Forbid and Municipal Waste, while Killswitch Engage, Chimaira and Lacuna Coil will be worth the ticket price as long as we leave before Disturbed goes on.
• Best soundboard ever. (Hint: fun with David Lee Roth sound bites)
• Bring Me The Hair Irons Horizon continued being boring.
• We spoke with Gojira’s Joe Duplantier and Animosity’s Leo Miller.
• Behemoth’s Nergal showed his face, while this dude just buried his in a bunch of watermelons.

God bless Tyser, whoever the fuck Tyser is.

Check it out here. The less you know about it in advance the better.

-AR

Only, not really.

Lest there was any doubt that Diamond Dave and the Super Van Halen Bros. kissed and made up for the love of the Benjamins, the 2008 tour rider unearthed by The Smoking Gun proves otherwise.

Click to read more…

This is old, but whatever. The lack of pitch-correction on this recording is beauteous… and just demonstrates why this song actually breathes. Recorded today it’d be robotic and boring.

-VN

That’s the only question remaining. Because everyone else, including a struggling songwriter supposedly working with the Diamond one, believed a David Lee Roth imposter who had every other detail nailed was the real deal. First it was reported that Diamond Dave was pulled over while speeding to the hospital for an alleged peanut allergy reaction; then the real Diamond Dave came out professing his love of nuts and declared that the cops who reported the arrest were swindled by an imposter. Mystery Dave even had the hospital nurses hoodwinked, taking two of them to a local bar after being released, “Hot For Teacher” style! Most recently, a photo of Fake Dave has surfaced (pictured here), though his true identity is still a mystery.

No word yet as to whether fake Dave buys pot in Washington Square Park.

Next up for Fake Dave; nose-enlarging surgery?

-VN

Things were a tad slow at the MetalSucks Mansion this week, whatwith a lot of the U.S. still on holiday — but between bong rips and acid trips we somehow still found time to post about some events that went on this week:

• David Lee Roth got pulled over for speeding as he was trying to rush to the hospital for an alleged allergic reaction to nuts; or did he?
• Thousands of dental hygienically challenged guys with mullets are running around Oklahoma wearing Ratt and Ozzy concert shirts from a quarter century ago are at the 2nd annual Rocklahoma festival.
• At the Gates returned to the U.S.
• Act like a Viking, win some cool Amon Amarth stuff!
• Tweeny pop band Gym Class Heroes covered Lamb of God, igniting almost as much controversy as Fall Out Boy covering Pantera.
• Opeth and Amon Amarth announced two amazing U.S. tour lineups.
• All Shall Perish released two new songs from their forthcoming album.
• Ozzy Osbourne decided to toss that last remaining shred of credibility out the window by announcing plans to launch a variety TV show.

Earlier this week it was reported that terrible disc jockey David Lee Roth (you may also know him as the singer for some band called Van Halen) nearly died after an allergic reaction to eating nuts.

Not so, Roth now says in a statement:

“I had no allergic reaction to nuts. I love nuts. Me and nuts go together like Siegfried and Roy. I mean, I don’t love nuts in a gay way, just in a totally masculine, 110% hetero way. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go change into my sparkly green leotards.”

Nuts could not be reached for comment.

-AR

Wow. If that picture doesn’t get your dick hard, nuthin’ will.

So. If there’s money to be made doing something, someone will do it. Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth didn’t really just kiss n’ make up one day, and it’s not like they had some driving creative desire to do another Van Halen tour; it’s all about the Benjamins, homie.

And why should Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony not get a piece of the poundcake? A lot of people (like me!) who would normally never pay for a Sammy Hagar solo album or a Michael Anthony solo album are considerably more likely to pick up a project that re-teams the two, because amongst our deepest, darkest secrets are the facts that we once thought that Kevin Smith was funny, that we like to choke ourselves while masturbating, and that we don’t get angry when someone chooses “Runaround” on the jukebox. So, of course, sisters are doin’ it for themselves, as Michael Anthony writes on his blog:

“Sammy and I are working on a new project with a couple of good friends, and it is going to be totally KICKASS!!, so stay tuned.”

Part of me thinks that maybe my April Fool’s joke is on me and a Velvet Hagarevolver record is now gonna be a part of the really real world; I mean, ditch that dude who isn’t Izzy and slide Duff McKagan over to rhythm guitars, and you’ve just given birth to the band most eagerly anticipated by anyone who has ever thought the confederate flag was cool, seriously considered date rape, or is from the state of New Jersey.

But I’m probably getting ahead of myself; “some friends” are probably just Sammy and Mike’s kids. Which is fine by me. If there’s one thing I’m achin’ for, it’s some serious shit slinging in the press between Andy Hagar and Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen.

-AR

[thanks to: Saul Hudson]

We’ve been hearing rumors that Axl Rose might follow in Radiohead and NIN’s footsteps and give away Chinese Democracy for free. But it now appears that Rose will top those artists with the ability to give away free sodas, as well.

Yes, you read that correctly. If Chinese Democracy comes out this year, we’ll get free sodas, too.

Blabbermouth [via CNN] reports:

“Tired of a world in which Americans idolize wannabe singers and musicals about high schoolers pass as rock ‘n roll music, Dr Pepper is encouraging (ok, begging) Axl Rose to finally release his 17-year-in-the-making belabored masterpiece, Chinese Democracy, in 2008.

“In an unprecedented show of solidarity with Axl, everyone in America, except estranged GN’R guitarists Slash and Buckethead, will receive a free can of Dr Pepper if the album ships some time — anytime! — in 2008. Dr Pepper supports Axl, and fully understands that sometimes you have to make it through the jungle before you get it right.

Click to read more…

Pollstar reports that Van Halen’s “OMG they finally did it” reunion tour (read our show review and retrospective) with David “Bar Mitzvah Band Leader” Lee Roth and Wolfgang “Fatty Ding Dongs” Van Halen was the fifth highest grossing tour of 2007, raking in a cool $56.7 million. Rest assured, Wolfgang will never, ever have to work in his entire life, and his college is more than paid for.

The Police reunion nabbed the top-spot, grossing $131.9 million, while Kenny Chesney, Justin Timberlake and Celine Dion rounded out the Top 5. Other notable hard rock metal acts in the Top 20… actually, there aren’t any, big surprise there. But ya’ll might also care to know that Roger Waters secured #13 with a $38.3 million gross.

-VN

Maura @ Idolator nails it again:

“On the right, David Lee Roth celebrates Halloween back in the pre-top-hat days. On the left, Britney Spears reaches down between her legs to ease the seat back while celebrating Halloween last night, just before she speeds off for her nightly ‘bottle of anything and a glazed donut… to go‘ run.”

-VN