Last summer Poison toured with Mötley Crüe, and that seemed like pretty much the best glam metal nostalgia tour imaginable; now Rikki Rockett has announced via Facebook that this summer Poison will be touring with Def Leppard, which is, somehow, an even more sugary confection than the Crüe tour. Whether or not it will be as fun as the Crüe tour will be entirely dependent on Def Lep, since Poison have somehow managed to out-ridiculous themselves into oblivion. I haven’t seen Def Leppard since circa 2001, so I really have no idea how good or bad they are in a live setting now.

ANYWAY, presumably dates will be announced soon. While you wait, enjoy this poster from 2009′s Def Leppard/Poison tour. Just ignore the part that says “Cheap Trick” at the bottom, ’cause Cheap Trick will not, to the best of my knowledge, be playing this new trek.

-AR

Interview and live pics by Emily Eve; girls on stage pic by Friedia Niimura

In one sense, making records is like using the toilet: It takes more to do number two than number one. And in the case of L.A. heavy metal semi-parodists Steel Panther, a follow-up to their wildly funny and compulsively banging 2009 debut Feel The Steel is an even bigger, stinkier challenge: This time, fans can see them coming, um so to speak. But in the spotlight’s glare, before expectant ears and faces poised to smile, lead singer Michael Starr and crew deliver a bigger, dirtier, and awesomer mass of heavy metal hilarity called Balls Out (available Tuesday). The 14-track tour de farce covers 47 amazing minutes, a range of hot-button rocker issues (drugs, gender roles, boners), and a load of singalong mega-choruses and nip-scorching guitar solos unheard since pro tools was just an aisle at Sears. To those somehow able to resist Feel The Steel, I say: You’re fucked now. Balls Out is stronger than you and your feeble protestations. Crank. It. Up.

This feat of skill and cocksmanship on display in Balls Out begs for investigation, so last week I went to hear firsthand how Steel Panther achieved the equivalent of making a Ghostbusters II better than its Ghostbusters I. And though it was a rainy, gusty Autumn night, the huge Steel Panther dressing room was buzzing heatedly as I sat down with Starr and lead bass player Lexxi Foxxx to get answers. Just nearby were lead guitarist Satchel (at whom I gazed lovingly whenever his inattention allowed) and lead drummer Stix Zadinia (with entourage) as the three of us gabbed highly about Balls Out, drugs, vaginas, immaturity, maturity, the guy from Nickelback, shaving stuff, the responsibilities of being Steel Panther, and much more.

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To help promote their upcoming tour, on October 11 Judas Priest will release The Chosen Few, their umpteenth career retrospective, and one which does not feature any new material. The Chosen Few does have a hook, though — I mean, beyond the fact that the band members appear on the cover only as silhouettes, I assume at least in part to downplay the fact that a certain key member is no longer in the group.

No, the hook  (and this is actually a neat idea) is that the band has let a lot of other celebrity musicians — including Ozzy, Lemmy, James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kerry King, Slash, and Vinnie Paul  – choose which songs would appear on the collection. And, yeah, it’s interesting to know that Zakk Wylde is way into “Grinder,” and and that Randy Blythe and David Coverdale might actually have something to talk about at a cocktail party, and that Joe Satriani likes his Priest heavier than I might have suspected.

But like I said, there’s no new material here, so I can’t quite imagine why anyone would want this album anyway. The coolest thing about The Chosen Few is seeing which dude chose which song, and you can do that after the jump. So, look, we just saved you ten bucks.

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If the memory of a Steel Panther super-fan’s Labor Day weekend could be screened like a movie, viewers would see blurry and jumpy frames depicting 72 hours of falling off stuff, packing stuff into mouths/noses, cheering the topless, cock-blocking the beta beardos, debating police, barfing, dodging streams of barf, and rebounding from tragic drug spills. Oh and I bet there’d be plenty of ballz: your ballz, my ballz, fire ballz, 8 ballz, hair ballz, Nepalese Temple ballz, malted milk ballz, etc. But now, let’s get caught up on some exciting heavy metal ballz, Steel Panther’s forthcoming album Balls Out!

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1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent

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Vince and I are going to see the Mötley Crüe /Poison/New York Dolls tour tonight, and, yes, we are excited. And while it briefly seemed as though this would be a magically drama-free tour after Nikki Sixx allegedly apologized for some not-very-nice things he and at least one of his bandmates (Tommy Lee) said about Poison, it’s become increasingly clear that Nikki either didn’t apologize, or didn’t want that apology made public. In any case, he has continued to smack-talk Poison at every opportunity, which, of course, makes us drama queens at MetalSucks very happy.

But the really wacky thing about Nikki’s insults against Bret Michaels and company — and I’ve been saying this since November, when word of the tour first got out — is that Nikki seems to be operating under the impression that Mötley Crüe never dressed like this…

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Vince is still away, so, once again, “Neilstein SoundScam” is on me this week.Check out some of the more noteworthy sales stats from the latest Top Hard Music charts, including albums by Foo Fighters, Morbid Angel, Of Mice & Men, and more after the jump!

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Am I high or is it weird that in 2011 nobody touts the first two Skid Row records as mega-masterpieces? What has undermined lasting renown? Is it that those jams are too heavy for radio listeners and not aggro enough for metal fans? Did major line-up changes doom them to be written off (except for the three enduring singles)? Is it Sebastian Bach’s fault? Is the rest of the band too stubborn and unambitious? Really, has there been a more compelling, awesome, and fearless heavy rock record since? Help me figure this out?

To me, it’s not a problem per se that one-time Skid Row vocalist Sebastian Bach is a huge jackass. One, his all-time top ten singing chops justify extreme arrogance and render decency unnecessary; two, reality TV and morning radio has immunized us all to dunderheads of Bach’s type. So fans are over it, right? Yet it’s still possible that Bach’s exhausting bimbo-ism has quieted the global and unanimous mega-acclaim that Skid Row deserves. How?

Think about it: Is it not Bach-related acrimony among the members of Skid Row that hamstrings their legacy-building? No reunion tours, no massive retrospectives, no anniversary celebrations. No documentaries, no tribute albums, no peer buzz. It’s probably Bach’s spaztardation that makes these things impossible. Click to read more…

Vince isn’t here, so I guess it falls to me to take over his regular “Neilstein SoundScam” column… BWA-HA-HA!!!

Some of the more noteworthy sales stats from the latest Top Hard Music charts after the jump!

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In a perfect world, image and looks would not matter in the slightest. But until Sammy Hagar’s alien overlords take over and create utopia, we live in a time where those very things seem to be of the utmost importantance. When it comes to music, it really shouldn’t make a difference how a band looks. The key word here is “music” — they’re not working in a visual medium, so why should image be an issue? Unfortunately, the way a group is visually presented is among their defining factors, which is also reflected in their fans. I might be crudely generalizing, but let’s face it, there is some truth in most stereotypes. I like people watching, especially on music-related occasions. I will observe the people and the musicians and find patterns, because that’s interesting to me. While there will always, always be exceptions to the rule, there are certain trends that will also always be present.

The most obvious is hair.

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As is the case with a lot of their peers, I am always, always, always going to check out the new Def Leppard song/album/whatever, even if my expectations aren’t very high. But the truth is, even though I have really enjoyed a new Def Lep offering since 1999′s Euphoria, these dudes have done a much better job of keeping their eye on the ball than, say, Motley Crue. Fact of the matter is, The Nine Armed Beast from Britain will probably never write a song as good as “Love Bites” or “Pour Some Sugar on Me” or even “Let’s Get Rocked” again, but at least they’re not running around writing songs with the dudes from A Simple Plan, y’know?

So. Def Leppard’s new song is called “Undefeated,” and I guess it got played on the radio, which these days is just another way of saying it’s now on YouTube. The lyrics are, as usual, completely ridiculous (“Look in these eyes, these eyes don’t lie/ And they say that if you don’t blink, then you don’t die.” That makes about as much sense as the fact that a certain one-armed drummer once beat his wife.), but if you ever enjoyed vintage Def Lep, it’s hard for me to imagine that you won’t at least tap your foot along with this sucker.

Def Leppard’s new album is actually a live album with three new studio tracks tossed in an effort to get people who don’t care about a Def Leppard live recording to purchase the thing anyway. It’s called Mirrorball and it will be out on Mercury, uh… well, I can’t find a release date, but sometime soon I imagine.

-AR

Thanks to Nikki Fixx for the tip!

Oh my fuck, you guys, IT IS 71 DEGREES OUTSIDE. I was gonna stay home and watch Vanilla Ice’s underrated cinemetallic classic, Cool as Ice, but instead I am getting stoned and going for a long, long walk in the sun. Quickly, before I ditch you losers to actually enjoy life, here’s what we did this week:

• God Forbid’s Doc Coyle weighed-in on Sergeant D.’s “band life is for losers” theory.
• We broke the news that hardcore supergroup S.O.S. has signed with Good Fightand got an exclusive report on the status of He is Legend from the band’s manager.
• We debuted new music by Napalm Death (thanks, Decibel!), The Haunted and Clutch.
• We said cel-lo to Grayceon’s Jackie Perez Gratz and got the skinny on the new Today is the Day album from drummer Curran Reynolds.
• We checked out the latest release from Total Fucking Destruction.
• We wondered if women make better metal singers than men.
• We examined the Kid Rock-Confederate flag controversy.
• We watched the worst video of 2011 so far.
• Dummy Nosenothing listened to the new Meshuggah song and then chased an ice cream truck.
• WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK…

Alright, I’m gonna go have some ice cream! ICE CREAM! YYYYAAAAAYYYYY!!!

-AR

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK…

…WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK…

-WTF

Individuality is sacred and everything, but I am way fascinated by records that are loved by bajillions. Some are uninspired cop-outs stripped of any challenge to the ear (Metallica’s black album) and others are awesome enough to find a big audience despite their adventurousness (Tool’s Ænima). Others split the difference (Def Leppard’s Hysteria). One face-fucking album that belongs in that second category is the understated, fickle fourth Coroner album, Mental Vortex. Its identity is a bit nebulous — not least of all due to a great but oddball cover of “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” — but, like a slightly foreign language, Vortex thrills the ear once you’ve become fluent in its idioms. The shit jams!

And hey, even if the album fails to go beyond footnote status in the history of metal, there are individual jamz on Mental Vortex that hang with any of your favorites. “Metamorphosis” rides a low-imagination verse riff into a staggeringly beautiful chorus; the solo passage in “Pale Sister” ensures that I’ll never need boner pills; and, well, “Sirens” is PERFECTION thanks to its poignant chorus lyric, masterful solo passage, and collection of no fewer than nine winning riffs. It’s not just a jam, it’s an educational experience on how to craft the perfect metal song. Every band should pirate its ever-climbing tension. And how the intro’s second act (right before vocals enter) presages the aforementioned magical chorus in “Metamorphosis.” An MI class could be taught around its intra- and inter-riff dynamics. I swear if this song talked to me in a bar, I’d roofie it. No remorse.

–ADF

Pack your shit and get to the first Coroner shows in 16 years this summer at Maryland Deathfest, Hellfest, Bloodstock and a few others.

Dana Carvey hosted Saturday Night Live this week, and a good portion of the show was a nostalgia-fest devoted to reminding us that once upon a time, the dude was a big star. Luckily, the sketch devoted to the return of the most metal public access show in Aurora, IL, went first, so it had the benefit of seeming charming. And it was actually pretty funny, so it had the benefit of not being everything else on SNL.

And then they had to go and ruin it with a million references to characters Carvey used to play, and multiple Linkin Park performances. Did you know that all these years later that band still hasn’t gotten any better? And no longer play rock music? And now the rapper sings, the singer raps, everyone lip synchs to the perfectly harmonized backing vocals, and the guitar player plays everything but guitar? Kind of amazing.

ANYWAY, here’s that Wayne’s World sketch. This is the first time a Def Leppard shirt has been worn on national television during the 21st century, and it may be the last.

-AR

I love reading groupie biographies. It’s sort of a hobby of mine. I’ve read everyone’s, from Pamela Des Barres to Catherine James to Marianne Faithfull (she counts), and am eagerly awaiting the memoirs of Cherry Vanilla, the woman who heroically blew half of New York to get David Bowie on the radio. Some women go sexually apeshit on rock stars, others enjoy reading about it while maintaining a happily gonorrhea-free existence. It’s just how it goes.

When I first heard of The Last Living Slut: Born in Iran, Bred Backstage, I was rather intrigued. Mind you, I had some preconceptions because of the key words: “slut” and “Iran.” It’s one thing to fuck everyone from Autograph to Winger and write about it, but controversy for the sake of controversy is quite another beast (with two backs, har har).

Though I tried to brush off the combination of these topics as calculated edginess, I couldn’t help but soften to Ms. Roxana Shirazi. Her story runs the gamut from depressingly sad (getting bullied in middle school for being a foreigner) to hilarious (watching as Matt Sorum interrupts himself during a threesome to do push-ups because he’s in ‘such good shape”) to horrifying (falling in love with Dizzy Reed and having to abort his baby). Everything aside, she’s just a girl who loves her rock’n’roll. Naked or otherwise.

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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (sometimes) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.

Since it’s hair metal week here at MetalSucks, it seemed only appropriate to consider a glamtastic question. So we asked our writers:

WHICH HAIR METAL BAND FROM THE ’80s BEST STANDS THE TEST OF TIME IN 2010?

The MS staff’s answers after the jump.

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After grunge got so popular that MTV’s 120 Minutes and Headbanger’s Ball somehow became practically the same show, a lot of hair metal bands tried to harden and “modern up” their sound — usually to disastrous results. Herein, a few of my favorite examples, presented in chronological order of their release.

First up we have Warrant’s “Machine Gun,” from the 1992 album Dog Eat Dog. This actually isn’t all that ridiculous, and came so early in the “let’s change our sound” cycle that I suspect it was intended more as a response to the success of bands like Guns N’ Roses and Skid Row than Nirvana. Still, it’s hardly “Cherry Pie” or “Heaven,” y’know?

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You’ve been reading the MetalSucks/Bring Back Glam! countdown of the 10 Best Must-Have Glam Metal Albums this week (part one here, part two here), so you’ve noticed that our Anso DF and BBG! chief Allyson B. Crawford’s Glam-crazy chemistry is like one of those Tarantino scenes where rogues trade passionate dissertations on Madonna or armed robbery. Or maybe it’s more like those Kevin Smith monologues about farting. One of those. Ahem. Oh, hey look it’s the number four album!

***

4. REST IN SLEAZE - Crashdiet

May 20, 2005 // Universal Records // p: Anders Ringman, Chris Laney, Grizzly/Tysper

The hits: “Riot In Everyone” “Knokk ‘Em Down” “Breakin’ the Chainz” “It’s A Miracle”

The heart: “Queen Obscene/69 Shots” “Tikket” “Out of Line”

Anso: I’ve been dying to talk to you about this record! Its appearance on our list blows me away for the following reasons:

Reason #1 – It was not released in the ’80s. Not even the ’90s. And yet you imply that it’s more vital to a respectable glam metal library than a hundred great records from the genre’s days of glory? Even here you rank it higher than freaking Appetite! Explain yourself!

Allyson: Total mind freak, right? I’m sure the haters will be out on this one! Singer Dave Lepard was simply way ahead of his time. Then again, Sweden is the fertile crescent of Glam Metal these days. The kids over there know how to write a catchy riff. Crashdiet was the first Glam Metal band to be signed to a major label (Universal) in over a decade.

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Yeah, sure, I could fall back on the whole Van Halen “they really pre-dated hair metal” argument and put this article to bed right now, but that would be too easy. And, besides, there are plenty of other reasons why you should cringe every time someone referes to Def Lep as “hair metal” or “glam.”

Sure, Def Lep covered some of the same thematic bases as a most hair metal bands — namely, sex (with and without love) and the awesome power of rock n’ roll. But those lyrical tropes date back as far as rock music itself, so they don’t really count. And, sure, Def Leppard had some of the slickest production out there — but they were sharing a producer with AC/DC and Foreigner (MUTT FUCKING LANGE — show some respect), not Warrant and Winger (hello, Beau Hill). And, yeah, it’s easy to find pictures of Def Lep dressed like idiots, but guess what? It was the 80s. Everyone dressed like an idiot. I literally cannot remember seeing a single person with decent fashion sense in the 1980s. It was just, like, a ten year period when everyone temporarily went retarded, attire-wise. (And, for the record, I can’t find a single photo of the band where anyone is dressed like a lady; even the amount of hair product they used seems to be fairly reasonable by the standards of the day.)

So what does that make Def Leppard? Oh yeah. Just one of the most awesome arena rock bands of all time.

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