Maybe next week we’ll finally stop making fun of Morbid Angel for thinking that Illud Divinum Insanus was a good idea, but then again, probably not. As long as videos like this one exist, the lulz shall continue!

Speaking of lulz, here’s what else we did this week:

• We completed our list of The Top 25 Modern Metal Guitarists!
• We debuted the new Children of Bodom video.
• We also debuted new music by Sepultura and Isis.
• We introduced a new column by Landphil from Municipal Waste and Cannabis Corpse, and had a special edition of “Rigged” by Forbidden’s Steve Smyth.
• We spoke to Matt Henderson from S.O.S.
• We checked out the latest releases from the aforementioned Morbid Angel as well as Nitro and Wildestarr, and Kuldvas, Adam Emanon, Surachai, and Undying.
• We enjoyed seeing you not enjoy this Lady Gaga/Judas Priest mash-up.
• We assured our parents that metal isn’t getting too mainstream.
• We had our annual laugh at the most recent Gathering of the Juggalos infomercial.
• We got ready for the monotony of Metallica Monopoly.

And hopefully next week no legendary bands will release anything that’s completely unlistenable. ‘Til then, dear friends…

-AR

Last month our own Leyla Ford admitted to being a Lady Gaga fan and even declared Uglier Madonna to be “one of us,” and the reaction from the MS readership was something typically calm and reasonable, along the lines of “!?#@$%?!*?!!!!” Which I didn’t really understand – I don’t like Lady Gaga, either, but at this point it’s pretty hard to argue that she’s just another poseur wearing metal t-shirts for ironic and/or fashion reasons. I mean, she likes Maiden. She really, really likes Maiden. And she got the thumbs-up from Kirk Windstein and Dave Wyndorf. Free pass, Lady Gaga is thy possessor.

But this is the internet, so logic be damned — LET’S ROAST THIS BITCH ON A SPIT!

So. If a blogger declaring her love for Gaga made you upset, well, this should give you a fucking heart attack.

It’s a mash-up of Lady Gaga’s “Judas” and Judas Priest’s “Painkiller,” and, I have to say, it’s pretty well done. I mean, I’m not gonna put it on my iPod or anything, but you can’t say that its creator, Wax Audio, didn’t do a fine job blending the two songs together.

Go totally apeshit for no discernible reason in the comments section.

-AR

[via Metal Insider]

If you’re American, you already know it’s Memorial Day weekend, and, in fact, you’re probably either already on your way to the beach/a BBQ/a terrible summer movie/whatever, and are reading this after it was published. If you’re not American, all you really need to know is that we’re breaking out right now, and won’t be here on Monday. Usual tomfoolery will resume on Tuesday, May 31.

In the meantime, here’s how we kept busy this week:

• We debuted new music from Job for a Cowboy, Tombs, Unearth, and Vaulting.
• We spoke to Neil Fallon from Clutch.
• We continued to unveil our list of The Top 25 Modern Metal Guitarists.
• We checked out the latest releases from Dark Castle and Embers.
• Sergeant D. examined comedy metal.
• Leyla Ford examined Lady GaGa’s metal-ness.
• Anso wondered if Slayer pinball is better than recent Slayer albums.
• We got really excited about the new Gojira song.
• We got less excited about the new Bury Your Dead song.
• We watched you folks debated about the new Trivium song.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to put these tips for using the toilet to good use before I head out for the weekend. See ya Tuesday!

-AR

Every once in a while, I listen to, and enjoy, non-metal music. Currently, I’m being treated to the dulcet tones of The Best of Earth, Wind, and Fire, as my gentleman friend is attending their show soon and rubbing it in my face that I won’t be able to go. Bah, they got nothing on The Ohio Players. Hands up: who also thought “Love Rollercoaster” was an original RHCP song? Yeesh, I know. In my defense, the original came out a decade before I was even conceived.

Anyways, I also enjoy a lot of dance-y, electronic pop. Yes, I am a Lady Gaga fan. And I’m not the only metalhead with thinks so, either. She falls in that category of “Things metal folk like that you never would’ve guessed.” Like cute pictures of kitties, and Disney movies.

I was awake when Gaga’s new album came out at midnight (har har, my sister sent me a message when it was two minutes ‘til), so I bought it. I knew there was a song on it called “Heavy Metal Lover,” and I know that Gaga’s boyfriend is actually a metal fan. But reading the lyrics sealed the deal: not only did Lady Gaga write an ode to us metalheads, but she is one of us metalheads (one of us, one of us).

Check out some of the song’s lyrics if you don’t believe me:

Click to read more…

Don’t you love classic Van Halen? It’s amazing how that band’s music can just save your day. It’s been my go-to cure for post-American Idol misery; it’s Listerine for the ear, and a reminder of what true excellence sounds like. It’s Prozac for PISD (Post Idol Stress Disorder) and a reset button on any mood soured by three phony-ass judges slinging horseshit like stableboys late for a date. See, David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen can drown out even the echoes of judge Jennifer Lopez’s barbed whine as she pays lip service to “finding your voice” — yeah like she’s done with her wack new single about ballin’ up in da club, the dick-biting hack — and her more-than-occasional retorts to fellow judge Randy Jackson. (I don’t get that. She already had her turn, so like shut it, harpee!).

While we’re talking VH, can we all agree to end this silly farce already with the new bass player? I don’t give a fuck who he is; whether he’s Ed’s high school-aged son or fucking Jesus Christ, it is a side issue; Michael Anthony is Van Halen. His and Ed’s backing vocals absolutely jam on those records (like here), each of which is way better than what Idol judges can’t stop calling true creativity and great artistry. Those duo vox comprise, like, 35% of the band’s appeal, so the Van Halens should put that shit back together. We, the fans, declare amnesty; we want only what is right. Plus, if the young Van Halen is as brilliant as Ed thinks, he will earn his own chances. (Same goes for these “beautiful, perfect” Idol singers.) Van Halen just is not Wolfgang’s band. It’s Michael Anthony’s, the brothers’, and Dave’s. Period. Get Michael and pay him. And Ted Templeman too. That would counteract any and all effects of American Idol, cancerous shitpile of ear-AIDS.

Okay thanks for sticking around for paragraph #3, by which point I think we’ve established that thinking about/listening to the music of Van Halen is serving as a defense mechanism to prevent my re-living the mind-blowingly stupid, untrue nonsense spewed this week by Steven Tyler (the high preist of hooey), ‘Fer-‘Pez (SYFF), Randy Jackson (how much does it cost Idol to lease your honesty, dog?), guest fucktard Sheryl Crow (want a salt lick, girl?), and each blubbering, fam’ly-lovin’, Bin Laden-hatin’ individualist genius contestant who these days would happily agree to be shat on in exchange for the Idol crown. And because of the show’s near-total resistance to real, useful critique by “your Idol judges,” I’m counteracting this you’re-all-winners jive with a nudge upwards on my assholo-stat. So here comes your stabbiest Idol Remains shitcard ever! We measure in Danzigs ‘round here!

Click to read more…

No, seriously — COREY AND ANSO FUCKING KILLED IT THIS WEEK while we were at the Golden Gods, didn’t they? I’m still catching up, but I’ve been getting a serious boner from reading all the shit I didn’t write this week. Some of my favorite pieces that neither Vince nor myself had anything to do with:

• Phil Anselmo’s thoughts on weed, and, oh yeah, Corey’s update on the progress of Mr. Anselmo’s book.
• This awesome interview with Hate Eternal’s Erik Rutan. (Okay this one I actually had a little to do with, but Anso did the heavy lifting.)
• Mike IX Williams from EyeHateGod/Arson Anthem/Drip/Crawlspace/Outlaw Order’s thoughts on being underground and unsigned.
• Anso’s mourning for the loss of Nevermore.
• Corey’s analysis of the Columbine massacre on its twelfth anniversary.
• Anso’s assertion that Nicko McBrain wants to fuck Lady Gaga.
• Corey’s wrangling of about a million cool metal folk to give their thoughts on weed, too.
• Anso’s decisions to let his hatred for Kiss flow.
• Corey’s coverage of K.K. Downing’s retirement from Judas Priest.
• Anso’s coverage of Dream Theater’s ongoing search for a new drummer.

Unfortunately for all of you, Vince and I are now back full-time, and you’ll be stuck with us all next week. See ya then.

-AR

When word reached Lady Gaga last year that she’d been described by Ozzy Osbourne as ”very clever, very interesting,” “wacky,” and in possession of a likable zaniness, the pop singer expressed her joy by calling herself Black Sabbath’s biggest fan “in the world.” Um, yeah that’s a patent and insulting falsehood, but shit, no worries cuz flattery from an icon like Ozzy might lead to excited overstatement in response. Shit, I’d be fuckin’ pumped if Bill Ward and I liked the same cereal. So yeah.

And really it’d even be spazworthy for most if similar praise came from somebody like Monster Magnet maestro Dave Wyndorf, as it did for Lady Gaga on MetalSucks back in November. Though hmm I doubt she was similarly flattered by an aged metal drummer fop’s invite to a groping, which occured this weekend when the Iron Maiden tour shared a venue with Lady Gaga’s in Tampa, Florida. A few days before that, McBrain told an about-to-be totally nauseated interviewer:

Click to read more…

Tomorrow sees the release of Crowbar’s new album, Sever the Wicked Hand, on eOne (you can pre-order a physical copy here or a digital copy here, and watch an EPK for the album here). To celebrate, Crowbar main man Kirk Windstein offered to tell MetalSucks readers fifteen things they did not already know about him. And far be it from us to say “no” to Kirk Windstein! And so, enjoy a rare intimate look into the mind of Kirk Windstein, directly from the man himself…

15) I’m addicted to diet soda and sparkling water! I’m always drinking one or the other.

14) I like to wake up no later than 7:00 a.m.

13) I love Journey.

12) My first arena concert was Van Halen, “The 80′s Invasion,” on the Women and Children First tour.

11) Ace Frehley is the reason I play guitar.

Ten more things you didn’t know about Kirk after the jump!

Click to read more…

Actually, I don’t know if you could call this a “cover” — it samples the guitar riff and title phrase from Manson’s “The Beautiful People,” but beyond that, it’s a new creation. According to this right wing tabloid disguised as a legitimate newspaper, the track appears in Xtina’s new film, Burlesque, which I have not seen, but appears to have been sent here by Satan to announce The Dark Lord’s imminent arrival, and the subsequent end of days. (One question for Cher: What’s wrong with your faaaace?!?!)

And this song ain’t no better. Normally I’d say something about how it goes against everything Manson original stood for, but since he’s not exactly a bastion of creative integrity, and I think Aguilera thinks her lyrics are facetious in much the same way Manson’s lyrics were facetious, I guess I can’t cry philosophical rape.

So why am I posting this? Because I mothertruckin’ hate you, and I want you to die.

This isn’t Aguilera’s first dalliance with a hard rock/pop metal star of the 90′s — Dave Navarro plays guitar on her song “Fighter.” Nor is it Manson’s first run-in with a diva I wish would take an acid bath already: he raped our ears last year when he leant his vocals to a remix of a Lady GaGa’s “Love Game.”

Now let’s never speak of this again.

-AR

Fuck Exect for sending this to us.

No one thinks of Monster Magnet music as overtly inspirational, but fans know that its restorative power is formidable. Astounding, even. There’s an empowering hugeness, a tone of amused disgust, and a lovable protagonist in Dave Wyndorf, Monster Magnet’s mainman. It follows then that Wyndorf is into comic books (presumably the source of his skill at exploding proportions) and also that his ouevre’s best moments are a druggy, sweaty Iron Man-Meets-Evil Dead trilogy for your ears: Fist-pumping. Ear-banging. Mind-mangling. Sack-jabbing. (My hope is that I’m never at at a party where onto the stereo comes “All Friends and Kingdom Come” or “Powertrip,” ‘cuz I will dropkick somebody’s flatscreen into a different time zone.)

Despite his outsized persona on record and the then-pending departure of a longtime bandmate, Wyndorf sounded loose and limber when we spoke last week about his thunderous new record, Mastermind, his admirers in the press, the status of his health/weight/dancing, his favorite idiotic music, and Ozzy’s brain.

Click to read more…

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Vince and I are taking over WSOU tomorrow from 4 -8! It’s the only radio station on the eastern seaboard that’s actually worth a damn, and it’s gonna have the awesomeness that is US, so listen in!!! We’ll be taking callers, too. If you live in the area, it’s 89.5 FM on your radio; everyone else can listen on the Internet right here.

And now here’s some things we did this week:

• We spoke to Decapitated’s Vogg, All Shall Perish’s Ben Orum, Within the Ruins’ Tim Goergen and Joe Cocchi, and Iron Thrones’ Steve Henningsgard.
• We debuted a new track by Moth Eater.
• We wondered, “What’s the big deal about Lady Gaga?” as she danced to Metallica.
• We rocked out to a newly-released Soundgarden song, and we couldn’t believe that the new Limp Bizkit song has a guitar solo!
• We commended Australia for its populations’ collective child-rearing skills.
• We marveled at this nine year’s old review of Reign in Blood.
• We sang Monster Magnet’s praises.
• We asked you to help us complete this Metal Map of America.
• We watched Kiss put the “ass” in “Massachusetts.”
• We wished Behemoth’s Nergal a speedy recovery.

Okay. I hope to hear some of your voices tomorrow! Seriously, guys. Listen. Call. Don’t make me sad. If you do, we’ll schedule Nu Metal Week to take place ASAP.

-AR

A very intelligent friend of mine tells me I’m wrong to write off Lady Gaga as the latest pop culture idiot I don’t really need to pay attention to; she “has a vision,” he tells me, and even if I don’t like that vision, he asserts, I have to respect it. And pretty much every metal girl I’m friends with went to her show at Madison Square Garden last month.

But I hate the Lady Gaga songs I’ve heard, and when I saw her on Saturday Night Live, she clearly hadn’t tested her ostentatious costume before the show, because it turned out to be so unwieldy that not only did she keep hitting herself in the head with the damn thing, but she couldn’t sit down at the piano to perform. And to me, when your costume is such a pain in the ass that you can’t do your job properly, guess what? Your “vision” values style over substance, and doesn’t deserve my respect.

And this video, of her dancing to “Metal Militia” at Lollapalooza this past weekend, doesn’t do much to change my mind. I’m sure someone will argue that I’m just being pissy because a non-metal person is using metal, but that’s not my beef at all — in fact, I don’t even think I’m being pissy so much as I’m just wondering aloud what the big deal is about Lady Gaga. This dance was clearly choreographed, but has all the skill and complexity of something staged for a grade school talent show. Strippers dance better than this, y’know?

Anyways, skip to the 1:30 mark if you’re curious.

-AR

Thanks to Javy M. for sending this in.

Life is strange. For example, do you think that when I woke up yesterday I thought, “I bet I’ll write two headlines with Lady Gaga in ‘em in as many days?” Fuck no! Shit just happens sometimes.

So. This band The Demonstration recently released a video for a cover of Lady Gag’s “Bad Romance.” Here are the reasons I hate it:

1. I hate ironic metal covers of pop songs. If you’re in a metal band and you choose to do an ironic pop cover, that tells me that a) your sense of humor isn’t very sophisticated, b) you’re severely lacking in original thought since 8,000 other bands have already done this, and c) fuck you.
2. I hate ironic metal covers of recent pop songs even more. Because now you’re just appealing to teenagers who have no memory of anything older than a week. “See? It’s funny because it’s on the radio all the time RIGHT NOW, but we made it, like, all metal and shit!” Eat me.
3. Rather than add some personality and find a way to make this song cool, The Demonstration have taken a song I didn’t like in the first place and added the scenester clichés of the day (chugga-chug guitars, vocoder mixed generic death metal vocals, etc); in other words, they took a bad song and made it bad in a different way. It’s like the choice between getting anally raped by a giant dildo or a giant dildo that’s a slightly different shape; either way, it’s gonna hurt, and I’m gonna be bleeding from the ass by the time it’s over.
4. I appreciate cute, scantily-clad girls as much as the next dude, but I don’t think that anyone who has ever actually seen a naked lady up close will find this scintillating.

Hopefully this is the last time I’ll ever have to write about this band, but given our luck, some A&R dude is reading this right now thinking “I’m gonna sign these guys!”

-AR

Soundgarden reunion rumors have been flying around almost as long as Soundgarden have been broken up. (And in case you lost count, this Friday will be the thirteenth anniversary of the break-up. Someone will have been born and bar mitzvahed in the time since Soundgarden were last together! Egads!) Chris Cornell pretty much let the cat out of the bag that the band is reuniting back in January, and now they’ve announced that they’re headlining Lollapalooza in August. (Unfortunately, the rest of the line-up for that festival is pretty blech, especially from a fan of half-way decent rock; there’s Social Distortion and, uh, that’s it. If the artist on the bill I’d be most excited to see that isn’t Soundgarden is Erykah Badu, well, that’s a festival I won’t be attending.)

And, as usual, my enthusiasm is tempered with cynicism.

Click to read more…

I get bummed out when a girl breaks up with me, but it’s kinda fun in a way, right? I just love that moment in the End of Relationship talk when the break-upper can no longer resist loudly listing my faults. Sure, most girls will attempt to execute the break-up humanely ,without telling me the reasons in explicit terms. But if needled, coerced, and (if all else fails) brow-beaten, any departing ladyfriend will be happy to smash through that veneer of kindness and read me the fucking riot act.

This is when I’m in my element, ’cause it’s hilarious to hear the exact same shit every time, like Groundhog Day or W.A.S.P. albums. The first complaint, accompanied by a chuckle, is usually a variation of “Dude, you’re quite stupid. Seriously.” The next is delivered with a bit of sensitivity, lest I lash out in denial: “Anso, you display persistent symptoms of [insert mental illness here]. Get help.” Then, in most cases, we move on to my more tangible failings: the pervasive vulgarity, the sociopath’s disregard for human life and rights of property, drugs, NBA mania, manipulation, hair rock fandom, paranoia, spitting, reckless driving, cheapness, violent sleepwalking, and everything else.

I’ve found that it makes a fun game to shout out the complaints as she’s saying them, followed by a “JINX! You owe me a Coke!” Sometimes, I can even harmonize if she and I agree in advance on a key. (Tip: Try Dm, the saddest of all keys.)

Click to read more…

OK so like mash-ups are SO totally 2008 (or even 2007 or 2006) but sometimes one comes along that we just can’t resist sharing.

Like this mash-up of Meshuggah’s “Bleed” and Lady GaGa’s “Paparazzi,” which Pallomember, the YouTube user who created it, boasts has “0% pitch shift, 0% time conversion.” The mash-up gets off to a ho-hum start with a sync that basically just sounds like random vocals thrown on top of a random riff that happens to be in the same time signature, but once “Bleed” starts to change the vocals start to match up rather nicely.

I’m still reeling for the William Murderface / Lady GaGa comparison, but this is pretty cool too.

-VN

Thanks to Suckalo Alex Davis for sending this in.

Honestly, I find Lady GaGa’s pop-based performance art a lot more interesting than anything that came out of that pretentious conference which Axl posted about the other day.

Say. didn’t Marduk playing a show at Gramercy Theater the other night? Maybe the Times will review that too…

-GS

[Gary Suarez is kvlt. He helps manage Shadows Fail and the consistently off-topic No Yoko No. Say, why don't you follow him on Twitter?]

Inspired by our realization that William Murderface looks just like pop star Lady Gaga, MS reader “Contoberfest” wins the MetalSucks 2009 Suckies Award for “Best Use of Photoshop While on the Clock at Work.” The only way he could’ve done better is if he did it on his iPhone whilst on the shitter (at work, natch — THAT’s productivity).

-VN

Thanks to MS reader Kit Hart for pointing this out. The resemblance is uncanny!

-VN

And the hits just keep coming: Marilyn Manson has now leant his vocals to a remix of a Lady GaGa song called “Love Game,” which is currently being hosted by Perez Hilton, a.k.a. the MetalSucks of douchey celebrities. And while there’s something kinda funny about Manson being involved in a pop song where a woman is saying “I wanna take a ride on your disco stick,” the song is otherwise, as you’d expect, completely fucking awful.

I don’t know much about Lady GaGa, but someone more in the know about these things than I recently told me that she’s going to be bigger than Madonna. If that’s true, I hope I die tomorrow.

-AR

Thanks to Josh Kidd for the tip. Actually, take it back. Fuck you, Josh.