MetalSucks

As managing editor of Decibel, Andrew Bonazelli makes your life better each and every month by helping to give you an outlet to discover awesome new music, learn what your favorite bands are up to, sound more intelligent to your friends by plagiarizing opinions that aren’t your own, and have something to read in the bathroom.

Now, with the release of his second short novel, A Regular – the first literary endeavor from Vitriol Records, the label founded by Justin Smith of Graf Orlock/Ghostlimb/Dangers fame — Bonazelli has enriched your life even further, giving you something smaller and more portable to read in the bathroom. Bonus: the book also happens to be really, really good. Here’s a description from the publisher:

“A morose barfly drowns his misguided affection for barely legal trollops in crossword puzzles and wells whiskey. But Murray Baron isn’t just a regular at Seattle dive haven the Kapital — he exists in the bar in perpetuity, days and weeks bleeding formlessly into one another, punctuated only by cock-crushingly banal conversation. When he finally literally unseats himself to save a friend’s life, the decision ignites a series of overlapping absurdist confrontations straight from the id of a 12-year-old. Murray’s fate seems to have been halved into either suffocating barstool inertia or outlandish hyperactive lunacy, and only a highly dubious psychic can help him revisit the pivotal adolescent event that put him in this very literal state of arrested development.”

And if that doesn’t entice you, please be aware that the story also features a robot called “The Eraditroid.”

Awesome. Simply awesome.

After the jump, get the author’s thoughts on why metalheads should care about his book, how Linkin Park and Dennis Cooper have inspired his writing, releasing a novel through a record label, and willfully farting in public. (It’ll make sense if you read the book.) Plus, get a free excerpt from A Regular, so you can have a little taste of how great it is…

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When it comes to music (and other things really), I tend to play devil’s advocate. If everyone is shitting on a certain band, for some reason, I become more attracted to that band and seek them out. I don’t know what it is about my personality, but I think it stems from the same perspective that inspired me to write the antagonistic blog about rethrash. It may be a character flaw, but I’m sure it has something to do with a need to be an individual. From what I gather, this website is inhabited mainly by “true” metal heads. What I define as “true” are people whom are purists in the realm of metal and usually scoff at any band or trend that reeks of premeditated commercialism or an overt play for popularity, and who usually demand a certain level of musicianship and underground credibility. These fans usually hate every Metallica record after …And Justice For All, and for that matter always prefer any particular band’s older releases, which usually have a more raw and unrefined recording quality, as well as more abstract, less traditional song writing. For example, they will prefer Carcass’s Necrotiscim to Heartwork, or Morbid Angel’s Blessed Are The Sick to Domination. Oh yeah, and these guys gave up on In Flames and Soilwork years ago.

I have a good deal of that purism in my bones, but it always seemed short sighted and close minded. You have no idea how many arguments the Adler brothers from Lamb of God and I have gotten into over the merits of a particluar Metallica or Megadeth record. If you even bring up Disturbed or Limp Bizkit on MetalSucks, it is mocked and disregarded 100% of the time. I think metal heads often have a sheep mentality because of the fear of being viewed by their peers as less credible for liking bands that aren’t considered “true” or “real” enough. We all have guilty pleasures, but the real question is “Why should we feel guilty about something we enjoy?”

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A reader known only as “Jonas” sent us the below video of 55 Escape, a Norwegian band whose biggest influences seem to be Korn and Linkin Park, not Enslaved and Immortal.

Here’s why I find this band kind of interesting. (And moving forward, please be aware that “interesting” and “good” are not the same word.) When you think about it for a second, nu-metal seems to be a predominantly American phenomenon. Off the top of my head, I’m having a hard time even naming a nu-metal band from any part of Europe, never mind Norway. Jeff Killed John were British, but they didn’t get famous ’til they swapped the nu for core and rechristened themselves Bullet for My Valentine. Am I forgetting a really, really obvious band? Korn, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Disturbed, Godsmack, Evanescence, Staind, Static-X, Creed, Hed P.E., Snot, P.O.D., Puddle of Mudd, Drowning Pool, Saliva, Coal Chamber, Methods of Mayhem, 40 Below Summer, Sevendust, Ill Nino, Dope, Papa Roach, Soil, The Union Undergound… ALL AMERICAN. What the hell? No wonder the terrorists hate us.

Anyway, thanks to these sperm clots for doing their part in making America look good. Hoo-rah.

-AR

Mike Shitnoda, the ugly Backstreet Boy wannabe who raps for Suckin Suck, recently gave an interview to MTV discussing the band’s follow-up to their last album, Farting Right in Iron Maiden’s Eye Socket. Here are two statements Shitnoda made during that interview that I find fascinating. And by “fascinating,” I mean “delusional.”

“It’s been going great, I feel like it’s an entirely different process and an entirely different style of music than anything we’ve done before. It’s hard to place. People keep asking me, ‘What does it sound like?’ and it’s hard to describe.”

No, it’s not hard to describe, Mikey. It’s going to sound exactly like every other Suckin Suck song ever written. Because all your songs sound exactly the same as that initial shitty song which made you famous. This isn’t my opinion. This is a fact. People have scientifically proven that all that your songs are the same. One dude even made a video about it. Look:

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So the nominations for the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards have been announced. The nominees for “Best Metal Performance” are slightly less embarrassing than usual – I’m assuming because the popularity of metal is on the rise, so some bands with actual talent are enjoying the spotlight. Here they are:

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But not Cristina Scabbia, huh?

Fine, fuck you. I’m gonna go club a baby seal to deah, and it’s all your fault. I hope you’re happy with yourself, Peta. I hope it was totally fucking worth it. Assholes.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

I want to take a shit in your mouth.

Why does this song sound so familiar? Oh, yeah:

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[Thanks: Ranpal Chana]

Back in December we reported that Mike Patton would be scoring Crank 2: High Voltage, which, if the original Crank is any indication, is going to be more retarded fun than GI Joe, Transformers 2, and every other stupid summer action movie combined.

The Playlist is now streaming a track from Patton’s score, “The Hammer Drops.” It is in no way, shape or form metal, but it does sound like it will be the perfect soundtrack to watch Jason Statham kill people in ridiculously violent ways and/or fuck Amy Smart in public.

Patton’s full Crank 2 score will be released on April 7; the film itself hits theaters April 21. Check out the trailer after the jump if you haven’t seen it already. Unfortunately, that is a Chester Bennington cameo you see – but fucker’s presence didn’t ruin the first film, so I don’t think it’ll matter much here.

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So. Unless you live under a rock, chances are you’re aware that the movie adaptation of Watchmen opens tomorrow. The reviews are decidedly mixed and I’m still not convinced it won’t suck, but it’s already apparently making a ton of bank in ticket pre-sales, so, uh, yeah, people wanna see this bitch I guess.

Anyways, this week iTunes had some members of the cast do their celebrity playlist thing. A few actors chose a few metal songs – Patrick Wilson (who plays “Nite Owl II”) has some Van Halen and Extreme songs, Malin Akerman (“Silk Spectre II”) has some Nine Inch Nails, Jeffery Dean Morgan (“The Comedian”) was apparently pals with Layne Staley and included “Rooster” in his mix, etc.

But Jackie Earle Haley – the Oscar nominated actor playing the ultimate right wing sociopathic fascistic badass, Rorschach – created a list that is almost entirely comprised of metal.

Terrible metal.

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All is not lost in the world of metal; in fact, this past week brought some nice surprises, along with the usual mish-mash of shitty radio rock bands. Last week’s sales numbers, with our usual sardonic commentary, after the jump. (Hint: look at the tags below, and click “read more” if any of those bands interest you!).

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File this under “things the world absolutely does not need,” right between “Limp Bizkit reunion” and “Sarah Palin presidency;” Billboard reports that apparently Linkin Park have a concept record in the works for their next album. The band will start recording next month, just before their new live album drops around Thanksgiving.

Singer Chester Bennington is choosing to be coy on the matter: “I’m not sure I’m allowed to say what the big plan is,” he says, but the band “never envisioned ourselves doing a concept record, but we see an opportunity to do something really cool so we jumped on it, and we’ll see how it comes out. I think it’s a challenge and we’ll see if we can rise to the occasion.”

Here’s to hoping Linkin Park absolutely do not rise to the occasion. Lord knows we could always use something else to laugh at around here.

-VN

Projekt Revulsion – er, Revolution – Linkin Suck’s answers to Ozzfest/Summer Sanitarium/summer package tour of your choice, has announced its line-up for this year’s edition, and in addition to headliners The Chester Bennington Comedy Hour, the mainstage will include Chris Cornell, The Bravery, and Ashes Divide. Second stage performers will include Atreyu, 10 Years, Hawthorne Heights, and Armor for Sleep.

Okay, so I’m dying to see Ashes Divide live (or, for that matter, hear their album in its entirety – I don’t know how the label has done such a solid job of preventing it from leaking with only a week left ’til its release, for but good for them), but otherwise, this has to the tour to skip this summer. As of late, Chris Cornell seems to be going out his way to become a caricature of his former self, 10 Years, Hawthorne Heights and Armor for Sleep all blow goats, and even though I liked some of Atreyu’s pre-Lead Sails offerings, their live show is a painful demonstration of how reliant they are on Pro Tools and other studio chicanery.

I don’t know much about The Bravery but they strike me as the kind of band that is listened to exclusively by anorexic hipsters in skinny black jeans. Actually, they seem kind of out of place on this tour.

It’s interesting that Linkin Suck are booking a tour that’s so light on heavy bands. I wonder if that’s because they’re booked elsewhere or because Mike Shitoda and company are deliberately trying to distance themselves from the metal world that has so forcefully and maliciously busted their balls for the past seven years. Debate amongst yourselves while I pray for an Ashes Divide solo tour.

-AR

“Perfect Insanity” — the first single from the new Disturbed album Indestructible, out June 3 — has leaked. If you have Google and a brain you can surely find an mp3, or you can head over to the official Disturbed website, give them your email address, then rip it. Or you can listen via this little handy-dandy player below, streamed directly from their site (see? we’re not pirates):

Disturbed – “Perfect Insanity”

You guys really came up with some great names when we asked you what the new nickname for Disturbed should be. My personal favorites were Briss-turbed (In honor of Draiman’s religious penis decapitation), Pissturbed, Pissturd, and devil’s entry “I’m hoping to eventually call them DISSOLVED,” (good one!).

As for the new song, well, Disturbed have gone and pulled a Linkin Park and re-wrote the same song, again. Truth be told, the song (or this band) isn’t that terrible, but they’re an easy target and we sure love making fun of ‘em.

-VN