I got freaked out for a second when Van Halen no-showed for their rumored appearance at the Grammy noms party in late November. I was spooked by Hagar’s rumor-mongering and by the fact that these things can fall through. But I’m groovy now cuz over the holidays VH announced a 2012 tour (!) and a February 7 release date for their twelfth album (!!). Awesome!

Its title hasn’t been announced yet, but the good news is that the lead single comes out January 10, a tasty billboard went up in Times Square, and good vibes surround this promo clip of VH talking about the old days and this clip (scroll down a little) of Roth looking all fabulous while dancing or subdued and bearded with dog. And they’ve been rehearsing in secret over two months. That’s enough for me to trust this whole thing and thusly I am pumped for this tour! Think about it: These are the first shows since the invention of Fruit Roll-Ups where VH will play new material with David Lee Roth. Shit man!!

And while we’re talking setlist, I vote that VH specialify these shows even further by swapping out a few standards for some seldom-heard mega-jamz. I don’t endorse a vibe-killing focus on obscurities or a promoter-enraging set of only new stuff. Nothing radical. Just a few swaps of worn hits for some shit we’ve not heard in a while — like since said old days; I can think of a few deeper jamz that would be super-fun for everybody:

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The ink is barely dry on Van Halen’s new record deal with Interscope. So, of course, it’s time to start speculating about the actual contents of the band’s new record, which will be their first with David Lee Roth in almost three decades, and their first with Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen ever. And who better to speculate than Sammy Hagar, a dude who hasn’t been in the band in six years and hasn’t recorded with them in sixteen?

Hagar has never been shy about discussing his old band (although, in his defense, it’s obviously difficult to be a former member of one the biggest acts in rock history and not get asked about that group on a regular basis), and in a new interview with  Rolling Stone, the current Chickenfoot singer reveals that while the new Van Halen album will contain material none of us have heard before, that doesn’t mean it’s actually new:

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I had shall we say a moment of clarity about Van Halen this week. It’s nothing bad and nobody’s fault. I love. To me, they score highest in all categories of awesomeness since The Beatles srs. And thusly, I think fans flex on lots of bullcrap. Like, no Michael Anthony? Uh okay. Your teen son in his place? If you say he’s cool, then cool. Shirtless in those white capris brah? Fuckin’ have to trust you on that, I will! And the super secret recording sessions? Fuck it! Like the song says, I’ll wait. Ditto for Aerosmith.

My, like, epiphany isn’t about something they’ve done that freaked me out. There exists no action to be undertaken by Van Halen that could disinterest me in their DLR-inclusive shit. But here I’ll reprise the headline as I explain the wake-up call I received the other day: Holy fuck Van Halen is old as all shit.

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I LOLd for an hour straight on Tuesday cuz my Twitter was blowing up with metal people’s reactions to the Casey Anthony verdict (announced around 4PM EDT). It’s a serious situation, so dudes are mad and lending their two cents. That’s natural. But man, some people think dumb. Actually, know what? I’m just gonna c+p some metal celebrity tweets below. Remember, most of the following mini-declarations are wrought in awful logic, but not everybody on the internet is ignorant and high-horsing this shit to death. Um yeah just go ahead and keep reading and oooh the suspense…

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Van Halen, featuring the young squire Van Halen (left); Mark Tremonti (inset)

The reason that Creed guitarist Mark Tremonti is the world’s luckiest guy is not cuz he gets to party with amazing singer Scott Stapp 24/7. Nay, Tremonti is Lord Luckynuts cuz he’s buds with Wolfgang Van Halen, who is the bassist of Van Halen. Which somehow means that Eddie Van Halen, also of Van Halen, trusts Tremonti enough to allow him a live preview of new Van Halen jamz.

Tremonti described Thursday his visit to 5150 (via Van Halen News Desk):

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Don’t you love classic Van Halen? It’s amazing how that band’s music can just save your day. It’s been my go-to cure for post-American Idol misery; it’s Listerine for the ear, and a reminder of what true excellence sounds like. It’s Prozac for PISD (Post Idol Stress Disorder) and a reset button on any mood soured by three phony-ass judges slinging horseshit like stableboys late for a date. See, David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen can drown out even the echoes of judge Jennifer Lopez’s barbed whine as she pays lip service to “finding your voice” — yeah like she’s done with her wack new single about ballin’ up in da club, the dick-biting hack — and her more-than-occasional retorts to fellow judge Randy Jackson. (I don’t get that. She already had her turn, so like shut it, harpee!).

While we’re talking VH, can we all agree to end this silly farce already with the new bass player? I don’t give a fuck who he is; whether he’s Ed’s high school-aged son or fucking Jesus Christ, it is a side issue; Michael Anthony is Van Halen. His and Ed’s backing vocals absolutely jam on those records (like here), each of which is way better than what Idol judges can’t stop calling true creativity and great artistry. Those duo vox comprise, like, 35% of the band’s appeal, so the Van Halens should put that shit back together. We, the fans, declare amnesty; we want only what is right. Plus, if the young Van Halen is as brilliant as Ed thinks, he will earn his own chances. (Same goes for these “beautiful, perfect” Idol singers.) Van Halen just is not Wolfgang’s band. It’s Michael Anthony’s, the brothers’, and Dave’s. Period. Get Michael and pay him. And Ted Templeman too. That would counteract any and all effects of American Idol, cancerous shitpile of ear-AIDS.

Okay thanks for sticking around for paragraph #3, by which point I think we’ve established that thinking about/listening to the music of Van Halen is serving as a defense mechanism to prevent my re-living the mind-blowingly stupid, untrue nonsense spewed this week by Steven Tyler (the high preist of hooey), ‘Fer-‘Pez (SYFF), Randy Jackson (how much does it cost Idol to lease your honesty, dog?), guest fucktard Sheryl Crow (want a salt lick, girl?), and each blubbering, fam’ly-lovin’, Bin Laden-hatin’ individualist genius contestant who these days would happily agree to be shat on in exchange for the Idol crown. And because of the show’s near-total resistance to real, useful critique by “your Idol judges,” I’m counteracting this you’re-all-winners jive with a nudge upwards on my assholo-stat. So here comes your stabbiest Idol Remains shitcard ever! We measure in Danzigs ‘round here!

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Since its inception by the typings of some clever music journalist in the 80s, the categorization “hair metal” (or “glam metal”) has been as amorphous and, consequently, as misused as “metalcore” has been in the aughties. And since it’s hair metal week here on MetalSucks, we thought we’d try to address this issue by pointing the spotlight on ten bands that are often, and incorrectly, deemed “hair metal.” And to that end…

It’s easy for me to understand why some people would dub Van Halen “hair metal.” Between the Van Halen brothers and David Lee Roth’s chest/Michael Anthony’s back and arms, the band certainly had plenty of hair on-stage in their heyday. (Things changed in the reunion era, as Eddie, Alex, and Diamon Dave have all adopted more “adult” hair cuts, and Michael Anthony’s back has been replaced by Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen’s almost-grassless playing field.) And, certainly, no band besides Kiss was more influential on the hair metal scene — for what were the glam bands if not just one long string of EVH and DLR impersonators?

And yet it is this very influence which disqualifies Van Halen from being categorized as a hair metal band — for how can they be part of a trend that they pre-dated? Call Van Halen “cock rock” and I’d be hard pressed to argue, but a bunch of Aqua Net lovin’ pretty boys Van Halen were not.

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I had a blast when Vince and I saw the Van Halen/DLR reunion tour in 2007 — so much so that I actually considered forking over an obscene amount of money to go see the band on the second leg of the same tour, Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen’s presence be damned. And yet, this rumor, first reported by VH fan site Van Halen News Desk, fills me with dread:

“It’s been a while since I reached out to one of my best sources of Van Halen info over the years, but it had to be done. And I got the information I was hoping for – independent confirmation from a long time source I trust that Van Halen are indeed working towards finishing recording of a long awaited new studio album with David Lee Roth, set for release sometime in the first half of 2011. A single is slated for release before the end of this year, but exact timing still remains very much up in the air. I’m told the relationship between Eddie and Dave remains as complex as ever, but there is a definite desire to get a new record completed.”

I have no doubt that this is really happening, ’cause, well, CHA-CHING! (And I have no doubt that “complex” is the nicest possible word you could use to describe the relationship between Diamond Dave and EVH — lest we forget, these two can’t even be in dressing rooms in close proximity to one another.) But why, if I had so much fun at the band’s concert, am I so terrified by the idea of a new Van Halen album?

Well, lemme ask you this: anybody remember “Can’t Get This Stuff No More” and “Me Wise Magic,” the VH/DLR reunion songs the band recorded for their 1996 greatest hits collection? Yeah, neither did I ’til I just re-listened to ‘em — and I actually bought that CD the day it came it out just for those songs alone (no illegal downloading in those days, kiddies).

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Judas Priest with Dave Holland, far left.

Speaking of metal, children, and tricky issues: Tuesday will see the release of the 30th Anniversary Edition of Judas Priest’s British Steel, and Phil Freeman over at MSN has made an interesting observation about the accompanying liner notes:

[The booklet] also includes a short note from the band on the inside cover, a two-page spread of live photos, a two-page essay by some dude I’ve never heard of (Dave Shack), two more pages of live photos, and two pages of credits (band and crew). And while the essays deal with the 30th anniversary, all the photos are new-looking, presumably shot on the 2009 tour. Which means they include Scott Travis on drums. And when you look at the credits in the back of the booklet, Scott Travis is listed as Judas Priest’s drummer.

Which is fine…if you’re talking about the [accompanying] live album. Scott Travis has been Judas Priest’s drummer since 1989. He played on Painkiller, all the Ripper Owens-era material, Angel of Retribution and Nostradamus. But he did not play on the 1980 recording of British Steel. Dave Holland did.

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There are two reasons that a John 5 interview could last for days. The first is that in just more than a decade, he’s already played guitar for David Lee Roth, Rob Halford, Marilyn Manson, and now Rob Zombie, none of whom are uninteresting conversation topics. And if that got old, he could discuss what it’s like contributing songs to Filter, Garbage, Avril Lavigne, Meat Loaf, Paul Stanley, Lynyrd Skynrd, and the friggin’ Scorpions. If he still has a voice, you could next ask him about his somewhat accidental/totally awesome solo career.

The second reason is that John 5 (né John Lowery) is a total music guy. And it’s totally effortless to talk music with total music guys. You could bump into him before a show and end up blowing off the headliner just to continue a breathless discussion of Van Halen at the bar next door. I can also imagine the results if I stopped at the guitar shop on my lunch hour to find John 5 lounging against an amp: We’d innocently start comparing Rob Zombie’s band to Ozzy’s and before you know it, it’d be sundown and I would be sneaking back into the office through a window. A bus ride to the beach would be disastrous ‘cause we’d undoubtedly miss our stop by miles while merrily disputing the merits of KISS. And so on.

Sadly for me but mercifully our transcribers, my talk with John 5 last week lasted but twenty minutes. He used the word “love” a lot to genially discuss his past and present collaborators, his fifth solo album The Art of Malice (get it May 11), this year’s Mayhem tour, and the Ozzy situation last summer. After that, we just talked about Van Halen a bunch – and might’ve gone on all day. But apparently he has things to do. About a million things.

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“Black Sabbath,” the first song off the first album by Black Sabbath, Black Sabbath, perfectly drew up the blueprint for metal. It was gloomy, disturbing, and fucking HEAVY. It was music for outsiders, those ranging from annoyed to enraged at having to exist on the fringes of society because they were too fat/lanky/socially retarded to listen to Three Dog Night and get laid all the time. Eights years later — almost to the day — Van Halen released their eponymous debut. “Runnin’ With the Devil,” that album’s first song, is also heavy in its own right, but the near-decade length of time between the two couldn’t be more apparent. While its one-note bassline and massive riff was undeniably fucking great, it wasn’t dark anymore. In fact, it was kind of fun and incredibly catchy. It was pop music with heavy guitars.

Suddenly, things were different. Metal wasn’t frightening anymore, but a good time, and inviting. It wasn’t just for weird guys and bad girls, but for regular, well-adjusted guys and not-just-regular but pretty girls. Van Halen were unquestionably heavy on their debut, and the album was filled with songs that were not only catchy, but perhaps some of the best-crafted in rock thus far. It sold a shit-ton of copies, and metal slowly moved from being dangerous to being a blast for the better part of a decade.

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I didn’t buy Guitar Hero: Van Halen because it was a continuation of VH’s ongoing efforts to try and make people forget that Michael Anthony was ever in the band – never mind that Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen wasn’t even born yet when the band’s best albums were made. That being said, I think modern Metallica is pretty lame, too, and I enjoyed their edition of GH. And I’d be totally down for a Megadeth version of the game, even if, once again, there would be some question of which ‘Deth line-up was portrayed (I assume it would be the current one… is Mustaine cool enough to let Marty Friedman, Dave Ellefson, Nick Menza, et. al. be unlockables?).

And I may get my wish! Metal Insider reports that Mustaine is now gloating about taking meetings with the makers of GH for a Megadeth-themed version of the game… or possibly something more. Via Megadeth.com:

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No, I don’t know why I decided to make a reference to that stupid cat in the headline, either. Sometimes, I just make myself giggle, and fuck the readers.

ANYWAY, Van Halen’s Michael Anthony (and he is “Van Halen’s Michael Anthony,” not fucking “Chickenfoot’s Michael Anthony”) jumped at a recent Ratt gig, which means that a) a founding member of Van Halen is friends with some of the founding members of Ratt, b) Michael Anthony went to a Ratt show and has probably been to other Ratt shows, and c) a founding member of Van Halen is friends with some of the founding members of Ratt. My adolescent self is so fucking happy right now.

Anyways, they covered Hendrix’s “Fire,” and, honestly, they didn’t do that great a job. But come ON. IT’S MICHAEL ANTHONY AND RATT.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

So, Chickenfoot released a new video last week. Chickenfoot of Hagar, Anthony, Satriani and Smith fame. Chickenfoot of selling over 49,000 albums (!!) during their album’s first week on the charts fame. Chickenfoot, recipients of a collective MetalSucks Haterade Mafia shrug. The video is basically just a collection of candid, studio, live performance and “goofing around” shots, which given the band’s makeup and selling points makes a whole lot of sense. And the fact that it’s so low budget is kind of refreshing, playing down the celebrity status of the band’s members. The perfect video for a ho-hum but serviceable rock song.

In other news, Eddie Van Halen is probably still saying Michael Anthony quit Van Halen and Michael Anthony is probably still saying he was kicked out. Same shit different day.

-VN

One of the most disappointing aspects of Guitar Hero: Metallica was that you have to play with nu-’Tallica, not the Burton or even Newstead-era band we all know and love (I’m told older versions of the Four Horsemen are available as “unlockable content,” but there’s only so many hours in the day and these snarky blogs ain’t gonna write themselves.). That being said, at least the makers had the good taste to not pretend that Robert Trujillo was in the band when they recorded Master of Puppets.

Now comes this 56-second bootleg clip of Guitar Hero: Van Halen, taken at recent nerd fest videogame convention E3. At first I was like “Sweet! Look, it’s DLR and EVH when they had long hair! CLASSIC HALEN ROOLZ!!!!”

And then I saw Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen. Who not only wasn’t in the band during the early days of VH, he wasn’t even, y’know, FUCKING BORN YET. This like when the band tried to replace their cover art photos of Anthony with ones of Fatty Ding Dongs; even Axl Rose isn’t a big enough douche vag to try and completely re-write history. Bogus. Fucking bogus.

That all of this comes in the midst of EVH claiming and Michael Anthony denying that Anthony actually quit the band, and, well, it’s enough to make you wanna listen to fucking Chickenfoot. Christ.

-AR

In case you’ve missed all 24,567 Blabbermouth posts over the past year and a half about them, Chickenfoot are a new supergroup featuring Joe Satriani, Michael Anthony, Sammy Hagar and Chad Smith. Looks cool on paper, but supergroups never seem to pan out they way they ought to, amirite? The problem always seems to be that supergroups are really going for it and trying to be taken seriously, a problem from which Chickenfoot shouldn’t suffer at all since each band member is a millionaire several times over from their respective day jobs. In other words, none of them need this; it’s just for shits and kicks.

So is it any good?

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You’d almost expect Eddie Van Halen to be a staunch Republican. Look at the facts: he lives in California, is rich, is a dick, and he and his woman both do work in the magical world of porn, which means giving a big thumbs up to the McCain/Palin ticket would be just hypocritical enough to “make sense” the way Ted Nugent being a conservative or Chris Robinson marrying a conservative’s daughter “makes sense.”

Apparently though, this isn’t the case: John McCain has been using the ’91 VH “classic” (a.k.a. my least favorite Van Halen song that wasn’t originally sung by Gary Cherone) “Right Now” as part of his campaign – and Eddie objects enough to actually call former co-worker/current nemesis Sammy Hagar, reports Rolling Stone.

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So a couple of weeks ago Michael Anthony spilled that beans that he and former Van Halen cohort Sammy Hagar “are working on a new project with a couple of good friends.” At the time, I joked that perhaps they were teaming up with Slash, Duff McKagan and Matt Sorum to form Velvet Hagarevolver, a force more powerful than Voltron or, at the very least, Toto.

In point of fact, the reality is much, much worse.

Blabbermouth has now confirmed the rumor we’ve all been hearing from the get-go, which is that the other members of the group are Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith and Joe Satriani. And they’ve settled on the band moniker “Chickenfoot.”

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Wow. If that picture doesn’t get your dick hard, nuthin’ will.

So. If there’s money to be made doing something, someone will do it. Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth didn’t really just kiss n’ make up one day, and it’s not like they had some driving creative desire to do another Van Halen tour; it’s all about the Benjamins, homie.

And why should Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony not get a piece of the poundcake? A lot of people (like me!) who would normally never pay for a Sammy Hagar solo album or a Michael Anthony solo album are considerably more likely to pick up a project that re-teams the two, because amongst our deepest, darkest secrets are the facts that we once thought that Kevin Smith was funny, that we like to choke ourselves while masturbating, and that we don’t get angry when someone chooses “Runaround” on the jukebox. So, of course, sisters are doin’ it for themselves, as Michael Anthony writes on his blog:

“Sammy and I are working on a new project with a couple of good friends, and it is going to be totally KICKASS!!, so stay tuned.”

Part of me thinks that maybe my April Fool’s joke is on me and a Velvet Hagarevolver record is now gonna be a part of the really real world; I mean, ditch that dude who isn’t Izzy and slide Duff McKagan over to rhythm guitars, and you’ve just given birth to the band most eagerly anticipated by anyone who has ever thought the confederate flag was cool, seriously considered date rape, or is from the state of New Jersey.

But I’m probably getting ahead of myself; “some friends” are probably just Sammy and Mike’s kids. Which is fine by me. If there’s one thing I’m achin’ for, it’s some serious shit slinging in the press between Andy Hagar and Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen.

-AR

[thanks to: Saul Hudson]

We’ve been hearing rumors that Axl Rose might follow in Radiohead and NIN’s footsteps and give away Chinese Democracy for free. But it now appears that Rose will top those artists with the ability to give away free sodas, as well.

Yes, you read that correctly. If Chinese Democracy comes out this year, we’ll get free sodas, too.

Blabbermouth [via CNN] reports:

“Tired of a world in which Americans idolize wannabe singers and musicals about high schoolers pass as rock ‘n roll music, Dr Pepper is encouraging (ok, begging) Axl Rose to finally release his 17-year-in-the-making belabored masterpiece, Chinese Democracy, in 2008.

“In an unprecedented show of solidarity with Axl, everyone in America, except estranged GN’R guitarists Slash and Buckethead, will receive a free can of Dr Pepper if the album ships some time — anytime! — in 2008. Dr Pepper supports Axl, and fully understands that sometimes you have to make it through the jungle before you get it right.

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