MetalSucks

Long time readers of this site should be fully aware that I was addicted to the initial season of Rock of Love, VH1’s completely fucktarded reality show in which Poison singer/wig wearer Bret Michaels basically moved into a mansion with a large amount of not especially attractive (or smart or personable or nice or any other quality one generally looks for in other human beings) sluts and makes them all do ridiculous things to determine which one is his one true love (And by “one true love,” I mean… I don’t know what I mean. It seems like Michaels fucks all the girls anyway, so what’s the fucking point?).

But I basically lost interest two episodes into season two. Like pretty much every reality show I’ve ever tried to watch (which, admittedly, is only three – hello Project Greenlight and The Apprentice), the gimmick go old quickly. Maybe watching a different washed up hair metal star make some groupies of Gumpian intellect jump through hoops for the chance to suck his cock would have kept me interested; as it stood, I’d had enough.

I’m not sure which season Rock of Love is on now – I think it might be the third, and I think it’s on a bus now, or some shit – but it looks like Deicide mainman/generally all around scary dude Glen Benton caught a few episodes, and, it should surprise no one to learn, he was not amused.

Click to read more…

According to a press release that just arrived at the MetalSucks Mansion, VH1 is looking for “beautiful babes” (which would be a step up from past seasons) for a third edition of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. But why would any woman in her right mind wanna be on that show? Obviously you’re not really gonna make Bret Michaels fall in love with you, if the first two seasons are any indication.

So, instead, we propose that all women looking to degrade themselves and/or hang out with Z list “celebrities” audition for Cock of Love with Axl and Vince. Like Rock of Love, this will be a reality show in which a few dozen slutty strippers/porn stars/single mothers/crack addicts compete for the affections of a man (or, in this case, men); unlike Rock of Love, we’ll just dispense with the ridiculousness of pretending that mud football or talent contests actually have anything to do with love and just get right into the nitty gritty of it: our contestants will be judged solely based on their ability to provide a wide range of horrific, scar-you-for life sexual acts, including but not limited to Chinese fingercuffs, donkey punches, Houdinis, attending concerts performed by NYC’s infamous death/grind masters Lake Bukkake, and, of course, our mutual favorite, The Messy Matzoh (think “Ookie Cookie,” but Jewier). The show won’t be on VH1 but we’re fairly certain we could get the dudes from Metal Injection to film it all for us.

Interested parties should write their phone number on the wall of their local men’s room and wait to be contacted.

-AR

So while Richie Sambora is not doing the new season of Rock of Love, Sharon Osbourne has been hired to teach “some of the most notorious contestants from Rock of Love with Bret Michaels the art of becoming more lady-like” for a new program entitled – what else? – Rock of Love Girls: Charm School.

Since Sharon Osbourne knows little to nothing about being a) lady-like or b) charming, I can only assume that Mrs. Ozzy is actually being hired because she knows how to land a rock star and keep a rock star. “Make sure he’s too fucked up to know where he is at all times,” I can just hear Sharon instructing these, um, “ladies.” “That way he’ll never cheat on you and you keep can keep him working and making money for you until the day he dies.”

No word on which sluts – uh, contestants – from Rock of Love will be on the show, but as long as the sloppy drunk chick who kept saying “Don’t threaten me with a good time” shows up, I’ll tune in at least once.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

Yes, you read that headline correctly: There will be a third season of Rock of Love, and it will star the Bon Jovi guitarist in place of the Poison vocalist.

I somehow find this news troubling; I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m almost certainly gonna watch, but I had no idea that Sambora was as big a scumbag as Michaels. Isn’t this really the kind of thing more fit for, I dunno, like a Vince Neil or a Kip Winger or at least a Jani Lane? I mean, wasn’t Sambora married to Heather Locklear not that long ago? Wasn’t he just shtupping Denise Richards like a year ago? Doesn’t he already get all the tabloid attention he can handle? Or has the weight of living in Jon Bon’s shadow all these years really just proven to be too much for him?

No word on when this car wreck will film/air, but here’s hoping it will be on VH1 in time for the TV doldrums of summer.

-AR

UPDATE: Idolator says that VH1 says that this isn’t true. So there’s still hope for Jani Lane after all!!!

The worst kept secret in rock is that Bret Michaels and his natural hair parted ways long ago. It’s why he’s also wearing those stupid bandannas that went out of style in like 1990 or so. Remember that story about the girl with the thing tied around her neck, and when her husband finally got her to remove it her head fell off? Such is the relationship between the Poison singer and his head gear.

Now, in an interview with the Associated Press, Michaels has come clean… almost:

AP: What are you hiding under that bandanna?

Michaels: My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer. I do [Rock of Love] without it on all the time and they won’t film me. They are like, “Put your bandanna back on. It is your image.” It is my signature thing.

Well, I don’t buy for a second that he offers to let them film him without the bandanna; Slash’s top hat is a “signature thing,” but eighteen gazillion morons wore bandannas in the 80s. Still, I give Bret credit for admitting that it’s not all his real hair; that’s more than you’ll get out of most over-the-hill hair metallers.

-AR

In case you’re into this sort of thing, here’s an assembly of clips to look forward to from throughout Rock of Love Season 2, the VH1 reality show in which 20 past-their-prime, mostly ugly, silicon and botox-filled bimbos compete for the “love” of Poison frontman Bret Michaels. And no, Bret Michaels is not competing for the love of himself.

If nothing else, it’s fun to play a game by trying to spot Michaels’ terrible wigs beneath his famous bandana cover-up.

-VN

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/QA8Vm4SWgeE" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

So the second season of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels has commenced. I was watching the premiere with MetalSucks friend Tommy Wee, who had never seen the show before, and he kept asking me why they would stick Bret Michaels in a house with a bunch of Bellevue patients; but that didn’t bother me, because crazy, ugly, third rate porn stars acting like total morons in a lame attempt to get with someone who hasn’t really been famous since about 1991 or so is the entire point of watching drek like this.

No, the premiere of Rock of Love bothered me for a much different reason. See, while most of the girls on the first season were less than attractive, they were not, by and large, irredeemably repulsive. Put more simply: I would never actively pursue one of the Brandis, but it’s not outside the realm of possibility that, while in a drunken stupor of horniness and self-loathing, I might take one of them home.

But contestants like Angelique – she’s the Planet of the Apes reject on your above right – actively make my penis limp. I mean, look at her: she’s fucking DISGUSTING. I wouldn’t fuck Angelique with Angelique’s dick.

Click to read more…

Thanks to MetalSucks reader R Rocket for sending us this promo shot for Bret Michaels’ Rock of Love Season 2, the TV show in which 20 over-the-hill silicon bimbos vie for the affection of the wig-wearing Poison frontman. This photo is… wow, I don’t even know what it is. I’m just shocked.

We’ve got some miscellaneous metal goodies lying around the MetalSucks Mansion, and we’d love to give them away to you (side note: Heavy Metal Hanukkah winners fear not, your prizes are being mailed soon). All you have to do to win is post a comment below with a funny caption for the above photo. Axl, Kip and I will choose our favorite winners and contact them by email. Good luck.

Here’s one for motivation: “It’s a shame they can’t Photoshop ‘rock credibility’ into this Bret Michaels promo shot.”

-VN