What the...??


  • Axl Rosenberg


To: W. Axl Rose

From: Double-Jew Axl Rosenberg

Re: Plans for a Guns N’ Roses Summer Stadium Tour in 2009

Dear Axl Rose,


I mean, dude, come ON. I love you. You know I love. Everyone knows I love you. I took my pen name from you (It wasn’t your real name anyways, so I figured you wouldn’t mind.). I really, sincerely like Chinese Democracy, a whole bunch. In fact, I’m listening to it as I write this. And I’ve defended you even though, let’s be real, defending you doesn’t make a whole lotta sense most of the time.

But Chinese Democracy is not selling well. I mean I heard some bullshit about it going platinum, but that’s for number of copies shipped, not number of copies sold, and Best Buy had to stock more than a million copies anyway, so you were always guaranteed the platinum album (No fair waiting a little while to make the announcement, so as to fool those who think the “award” is connected to actual units moved.).

So how the fuck do you think you’re gonna fill up a stadium?

I imagine you’re thinking you’ll take some other bands of note out. Right? Why not? It worked for Metallica.

But Metallica’s album is actually selling. And Metallica haven’t been more or less out of the spotlight for the past decade and a half. The biggest story of Lars Ulrich’s post early-90s career has been going to congress to fight illegal downloaders. The biggest story of your post early-90s career has been going to a night club to fight Tommy Hilfiger.

And I’m saying this as someone who generally think you’re great, and who generally thinks Lars Ulrich is a yutz.

I think that touring is an excellent idea. But for the love of all things holy: BE REASONABLE. Remember how awesome those shows at the Hammerstein Ballroom were? With only a few thousand people in the room? What if you did those all over the country? Not only would they easily sell out, but if you actually show up and put on a show like you did (for the most part) in 2006, they could build buzz. You could play the oldies that everyone is really paying for – and you could sneak in some Chinese Democracy material, too.

Think it over. ‘Cause a failed stadium tour would be more embarrassing than being winded on MTV.


P.S. If you do decide to hit the road in any capacity, make sure you don’t forget to pack your Robin Finck!

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