• Axl Rosenberg

I’m going to put approximately as much work into this introduction as Billy Milano does into staying in shape.

We begin today with The Dillinger Escape Plan’s new video, for “Gold Teeth on a Bum.” I really love this song, so I wish I really loved this video. Unfortunately, whomever shot this live footage decided to use the same camera move over and over again starting at roughly the fifteen second mark, and by the thirty second mark, it has become insanely annoying. Rapid zoom in/zoom out. I mean it works the first go-round because it’s in time with the music. Rapid zoom in/zoom out. But then it just keeps happening over and over and over again for no discernible reason. Rapid zoom in/zoom out. Seriously, go get a bottle of something, not even something all that strong, and take a shot every time there’s a rapid zoom in/zoom out. You’ll be dead from alcohol poisoning before the halfway mark.

Next up is Demonical’s clip for the song “Ravenous.” As far as no-budget/band-in-a-room videos go, it’s actually not bad, which is to say, there’s nothing especially great about it, but at least the camera dude wasn’t to the zoom as Zakk Wylde is to the guitar squeal. Also I think the song is good, which is mostly why I’m posting it.

We’ve written about Cerebral Bore in the past — they’re the band that features YouTube sensation Simone “Som” Pluijmers on vocals. Somewhere along the way they signed to Earache and I missed it, and now they have a new video, for the song “Maniacal Miscreation,” the title track from an album the band actually released last year but I guess Earache is no reissuing on a larger scale (as they did with Wormrot’s Abuse).  The video is a not-awful version of a video you’ve seen a million times before, but, as with DEP and Demonical, I dig the song. These kinds of slamz are usually more a certain military man’s thing than mine, but this shit is actually pretty catchy.

Okay so I have no idea who The Black Satans are, but I saw their video for “The Satan’s Darkness” on Metal Injection, and, clearly, whomever made it deserves some kind of goddamn honorary Oscar or something. You should totally watch it. I don’t think it’s NSFW, but you should be warned that it features a dude in corpse paint and a banana hammock, as well as two girls touching tongues.

Longtime MetalSucks Maniac Pick Axe Bobby sent us the video for 13 Winters’ “The Gift,” promising that it was hilariously awful, and, yes, yes, his assessment is correct. The song sucks, the “storyline” is cheesier than pizza, and the bassist/vocalist looks as though she might shit her pants if anyone asked her to actually move. But the best part comes at 1:25, when a static close-up of the singer is out of focus for five seconds, and then, even when it comes into focus (as though the cameraman was like “Oh hey wait I should probably make sure this shot is in focus”) the focus is soft… and then it goes out of focus again. I’m sure the band had a limited budget, but, surely, they could have done a second take to make sure they got this shot. Or just not used this shot at all. Unless this was, like, someone’s artistic vision, to have a fifteen second single static shot that is not in focus for roughly 66.6% of its length. In which case, y’know, please beat me over the head with a baseball bat.

Finally, I feel like I should tell you that there are no videos from Otep and Destrophy, both of whom are signed to leading independent music retailer VICTORY RECORDS, but I can’t speak about them intelligently (or even unintelligently) because you have to go to Facebook and “like” leading independent music retailer VICTORY RECORDS to do so. And while I’m not usually precious about my Facebook page, I am precious enough about it not to give the appearance that I an endorse an entire label (as opposed to certain individual artists). I know I’ve debated aloud about the merits of the whole “like”-to-listen thing in the past, but I feel like it’s especially silly in the case of music videos, which, let’s be real, are commercials for the band that you want to be as widely viewed by as many people as possible. But maybe I’m just being a grumpy pants.

Anyways, here at least is a teaser for the new Otep video, “Fists Fall.” It looks like it’s the world’s umpteenth Fight Club video, in which case, I guess I’m not missing anything.


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