Five Finger Death Punch Seek Redneck Midget to Be New Bass Player
UPDATE: A rep for the band has said that this flyer was “an honest mistake on someone’s behalf,” but that “NOTHING about this Musicians Institute flyer was approved by Five Finger Death Punch or their management in any way.” Some people take that to mean the flyer is fake; I interpret it to mean “The flyer was released before its time.” I just think if it was fake, they would call it “fake,” not “an honest mistake.” In any case, read the full statement and decide for yourself at Metal Insider.
The above flyer is apparently a really real thing that Five Finger Death Punch posted at the Hollywood branch of the Musicians Institute earlier. As you can see, it announces that the band is looking for a new bass player, and lists requirements one must meet in order to be that bass player. I guess because joining FFDP is like joining the military? I dunno.
Anyway, some of these requirements are pretty funny. Let’s break them down one by one, shall we?
- Hard Rock/Alternative Metal Look
- Your image MUST be compatible with the band. (Absolutely no exceptions!)
Alright, so I’m not so naive as to say that how someone looks should have no place in music. Obviously, image is important to an extent. But I’m also not jaded enough to ignore the fact that the band chose to put this requirement first, and put it TWICE — because both requirements are really just the same thing said in two slightly different ways. (I’m also smart enough to know that, worst case scenario, you can always take someone shopping for new clothes and hire a blind person to do their hair.) Is it way easier to find someone who can play five string bass in Hollywood than it is to find someone who looks like an extra from a Korn video? Because Vince and I were just in Hollywood and, believe you me, that town has no shortage of potential extras for Korn videos.
- Under 35 Years of age (No exceptions)
The band’s guitar play, Jason Hook, is actually 40, so I don’t know why he’s allowed to be older than 35 but no one else is. Something else I don’t know: who decided which words on this flyer should be capitalized and which ones shouldn’t. But that person deserves a slice of cheese, like, fer sure.
- Athletic build
Which means “no fatties.” I’d be curious to know what qualifies as “athletic,” though. ‘Cause some of metal’s most famous musicians aren’t exactly in great shape. WE CAN’T ALL LOOK AS GOOD AS VINNIE PAUL, Y’KNOW!
- Not over 6ft tall
Okay, why the fucking fuck does it matter how tall the person is? I imagine it’s harder for a tall dude to fit comfortably on a bus or van, but I also imagine that, somehow, tall people have persevered through the years. So this is another image thing, right? Like, this new guy can’t make the other dudes look too short or something? ‘Cause the lead singer would never be able to squat in the foreground — the framing would be all fucked-up. Okay, cool. Moving on:
- Tattoo’s a plus
That means “tattoo is a plus.” As in, a single tattoo. I think they mean “Tattoos are a plus,” but whatever. The people who read this flyer are gonna be applying to work for Five Finger Death Punch, not NASA, so I guess they don’t have to be smart-ish. In any case, it feels good to know that they’ll take a short slim guy with no tattoos over a tall fatty covered in ink. OH MY GOD, I JUST REALIZED I AM ONE SUPER CUTS VISIT AWAY FROM BEING ELIGIBLE TO BE THE NEW BASS PLAYER FOR FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH!!!
- some vocal ability preferred (screams + harmony’s)
Harmony’s what? Ohhh, they mean “harmonies.” Okay. Never mind.
ANYWAY, I think this one begs the same question as the part about being under 35… if it doesn’t apply to the rest of the band, why should it apply to the new dude?
- 5 string bass ability a plus (music is mostly played in B)
So you absolutely cannot be over the age of 35, taller than six feet, overweight, or look like maybe you actually know how to dress yourself, but if you can’t actually play the five string bass, that’s cool. Okay. Also, why the heads up about the key in which the music is played? I’m not a bass player, so someone explain it to me — is it way harder to play in B than most other keys?
- PASSPORT A MUST
I actually have nothing funny to say about this. It was a surprisingly sensible decision to include it on the flyer, and I bet it eliminates at least ten to a hundred percent of all students at the Hollywood branch of the Musicians Institute.
- Non Smokers preferred
- No alcoholics / drug addicts
…because that’s Zoltan’s job! HEY-O!!!
(I’m kidding. I have no idea if Zoltan drinks or does drugs. Disappearing for several days right before a tour is perfectly normal behavior, so the dude is probably straight edge.)
And then there’s something about the band being from Las Vegas. Because just when you thought that joining Five Finger Death Punch couldn’t be any less appealing, you realize you’d have to move to Vegas. Yucky!