FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH LOCATE THEIR ASSHOLE
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009 at 11:30am by Axl Rosenberg
Just yesterday Five Finger Death Punch announced the disappearance of guitarist Zoltan Bathory under bizarre circumstances that suggested the whole thing might be little more than a publicity ploy. Well, it took a flashlight and an anatomy lesson in the difference between one’s elbow and one’s asshole, but the band has located the machine that turned a little kid into Tom Hanks. In this cleverly worded statement on their MySpace blog, FFDP sez:
Hey everybody—we found Zoltan!!
We just talked to him and although he sounded somewhat incoherent he says he’ll be fine and the tour will start as planned tomorrow!! Sorry if he worried anyone!
5FDP
I’d like to commend the band on their sensitivity to the fans who were really, truly worried about Zoltan. This very detailed explanation of what actually occurred and the clearly sincere manner in which the group apologizes to its fans for causing said worry is amazing. I wish more bands cared about their fan base this much.
Douchebags.
-AR
Ah the 3 (or 4…or 7) day bender. Ya know…I got passed that phase at roughly 25. What is this guy 40?
Man… What assholes!
oh, how unfortunate
fuck these fuckfaces..
there are way too many articles related to this piece of crap band on this website.
this was the only way they’d get any press
This was a publicity stunt. Fuck this band…again.
too bad they all don’t go missing
My thoughts exactly
I think that they all went missing but him, and then he found them. Not the other way around.
Haha i feel bad for being a fan of them now :P
Shit band loses shit member. Shit band finds shit member. Fans of shit band are just happy to have shit member back with shit band.
So I guess those bachelors he was drinking with turned out to all be gay, and took him back to their place for a couple days of drunken buttfucking debauchery?
Makes me feel bad for the gay guys, honestly.
Zoltan is only 31 yrs old. In the metal scene and living it up. Probally too embarrassed to say much more.Some sort of binge perhaps? Nothing new. This has been going on for decades in the music industry!! This Band KICK MAJOR ASS. I’m no teen either. Im 40.
You’re a chooch, as well.
+1
All you people who have to sit here and bash them online probably couldnt do it t to their faces’. Even if this was a publicity stunt, oh well, it is over. Oh and if they are such a shit band then why are they out there doing more with their lives while you sit here and TRY to come up with shit to say about them? What are you doing with yourself? Are you getting air play? Are you touching peoples lives with your music? Are you out there busting your ass to entertain people? No. Your not. Also, I am am not some teenager listening to this band I am in my mid-twenties and I enjoy them. And by the way I am not trying to sit here and say that everyone should like this band, people like what they like and hate what they hate. You all, including the guy who decides to be immature and bash bands on a public website are just giving the band more promotion so KEEP IT UP!! Go to myspace.com/sufferingadecade and bash my band and give us some publicity! Hahaha…assholes.
I don’t know, I keep coming back to this site, so I must be pretty entertained. Good job Axl and Vince.
Just because Face Fucking Double Penetration are signed doesn’t make them a good band…because there are plenty of bands that ACTUALLY bust their asses to make GOOD MUSIC so they don’t have to bust their asses to entertain people. This is why more people don’t listen to shitty bands like this one.
Nobody gives a shit about Airplay. There are loads of bands who do more than FFDP without airplay or news coverage and on a smaller stage.
You sir, FAIL.
NEWSFLASH: This is the Metal Sucks blog. A feasting hall of opinion to host a banquet of piss taking.
I think some of us like that just fine. Why don’t YOU go and do something better, Josh?
Maybe another practice with your promising local band.
I know nobody said that airplay was a thing to care about I dont care about it either. It was just part of the point. I know there are better bands that arent signed busting their asses. Where in my comment do you see me saying that other bands dont bust their asses and only 5FDP does? I dont. And sorry making GOOD MUSIC is a form of entertaining people. And I know that there are bands who do well without airplay or news coverage on smaller stages. I’m not tthat fucking oblivious.
Oh I do have better things to do usually, today is just my day off from everything so I thought I would gather and share my opinions as well. Say what you want about my band I really could care less what your opinion is of our music. Me putting that in there about my band was just a part of the point, I could care less about getting anywhere, as long as I am making music I am content. Regardless to other peoples thoughts.
I just realised something, the whole shit about what are you doing with your lives thing was pretty uncalled for. I mean no disrespect to anyone who reads that part of my rant. I just get really irritated with what people say on these things sometimes and that causes me to say things like that. I cant lie either I enjoy the gossip on this page it just seems to be about bands that I dig because I love all kinds of metal and they just fall into these kind of stories.
this bands sucks, your band might not suck, but if you like this band, it probably sucks, sucks to be you Josh.
No not really my band is Death Metal. Nothing about my life sucks at all.
Newsflash, dude: playing a couple backwater gigs doesn’t exactly qualify as “doing something with your life”. When these guys make a real contribution to society, let me know.
Yeah your right but the whole point of that was at least bands who do play those kind of gigs are at least trying. I know it isnt completly doing something with your life cuz you still have to have a job just to be able to afford half the expenses that go into a band and for the traveling.
As I said in the previous article, there are plenty of musicians who try way harder and make much more of an effort than this band, who live on the street. Zoltan probably isn’t much of a hard worker if he has the time on his hands to drink too much and disappear right before a tour. That’s highly unprofessional. The fact is, we’re talking shit because a) This guy is just really lucky to be able to make money in the music business, and there are much better musicians who deserve to be in his shoes and b) FFDP is one of the lamest bands in the universe, at least in the eyes of serious metal fans. Plenty of people don’t deserve their status in the music industry. This band is a perfect example.
I agree with you on everything except the lame part. I am a VERY serious metal fan and I enjoy their music. But that is all your opinion, like I said I never said people should or have to like this band.
No, I would definitely tell them how lame they are, in person. If you life has been ‘touched” by this band, I’m completely speechless.
Yooo Josh from the button of my heart and soul: FUCK U
Thanks Yo!! Appreciate it!
chicken is pretty good first times but it gets pretty mediocre if u eating it a lot
more later i go bake this potatoes
Uhm yeah…. I think they did more harm to their rep by letting it out of the bag that they actually let thier guitarist name himself ZOLTAN…. by in defense of the band, i’d try my hardest to let the douche-bucket dissapear for good too..
BTW the only way I could explain this as being a publicity stunt for their new cd is if they were on roadrunner. Then the level of rediculousness and stupidity would merit whatever the hell ZOLTONGATE was to accomplish.
His leads are actually pretty damn good (on the first album) the new album is horrible in comparison, they’re one of those bands I listen to occasionally when I have friends in my car that dont listen to extreme forms of music
Yay. I’m glad. Really!
*goes back to playing the Persona remake on the PSP*
He most likely was found in a gay strip club.
Congrats Axl, you just hit a new low! Wow, that’s some pretty offensive shit about somebody you don’t even know or know anything about. I can’t find an expression that would cover the lameness this really requires because “unprofessional” stopped at TMZ, you guys are way below that. Blabbermouth should get a Pulitzer compared to this site. I follow 5FDP for awhile so I’m far more educated on their history BUT I’m not even going to get into it with the Dungeons and Dragons crowd here.
They are like Beavis on caffeine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, uhhm… yeah uhhmm Axl King of all trolls yes you are great, you called this guy an asshole Yeah yeah uhmm you so cool, you really said it this time, yeah… he is an aaaasshhole ! haha yeah yeah yeah uhm yeah…. he sucks yeah. Hilarious that you have the audacity to call 5FDP fans stupid! Just WOW man just WOW! Look at the majority of your readers.
I find it hilarious when people get their panties in a knot just because someone poked fun at a band. Reading some of these comments, you react as though Axl called your mother a whore. Are you people really so “righteous” that you think having a laugh at a popular artist’s expense is a terrible thing to do? It’s called humor. There is absolutely nothing wrong with making fun of an artist you don’t like, it’s perfectly natural and plenty of intelligent people do it all the time. It can’t just be thoughtful criticism 24/7, sometimes it’s completely appropriate and acceptable to take a cheap shot at an artist for fun. Lighten up.
Oh and I know their history, their singer is from that horrendous Motograter band. The one where the guy “invented” an instrument, which was a cool idea on paper except it just sounded like a bass with some metallic percussion and they used it to play terrible nu-metal. Their drummer is from W.A.S.P. Their musical history is that of a turd in the sewer. Unprofessional is getting too wasted and disappearing right before you have to go on tour. In fact, I don’t think it gets much more unprofessional than that.
It’s funny how you’re all butthurt just because you like the band, and then act like you know how to make the world a better place without MetalSucks… Take it easy boy, If you had a brain, you’d just think it was funny, just like the rest of us humans, and get on with it… But it’s ok you know, I like some shitty bands too, some of which are even regularly made fun of on this site… But there is no way I’m giving names so don’t ask ok ?
rediculous.