Black Metal Brunch

BLACK METAL BRUNCH: DREX NEEDS A NEW ROOMMATE

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†ATTENTION #CRAIGSLIST INFERIORS†

DO YOU YEARN TO FEEL YOUR ENEMY’S BLOOD SPRAY A FINE MIST ACROSS YOUR BROW ON A SULTRY SUMMER’S DAY? IS PAIN YOUR OVEN, SUFFERING YOUR #FAVOREDKITCHENUTENSIL, AND #HATE YOUR #HEALTHYBUTSATISFYING DINNER? DO YOU AWAKE IN A JELLIED SWEAT CURSING #FALSECHRIST, #SHAME FLUIDS MUCKING YOUR #BLANKEY? DO YOU PRAY FOR AN EXTENSION OF YOUR DAYS ONLY SO THEY MAY BE SPENT TOPPLING THE VAMPIRIC EDIFICE OF THEOCRACY? YOU GAINFULLY EMPLOYED? CAN PASS CREDIT CHECK? IN SEARCH OF A NEW PLACE TO REST AND MAINTENANCE YOUR FOUL, DEREPIT CORPOREAL FORM? WELL GOOD NEWS, #BUCK-O, FOR #TRIUMPH HAS SPREAD HER PROUD LEGS WIDE, AND OPENED A ROOM FOR ONE SUFFICIENTLY WORTHY IN MY FINE WILLIAMSBURG #TWOBEDROOM. #INFERIORSNEEDNOTAPPLY.

 

THIS APARTMENT IS PURE EVIL. IT COMBINES HORROR OF THE #KILLINGFIELDS, WITH MODERN DESIGN PREMISED ON #SUPERIORTVSHOW #FRIENDS. YET BEWARE POTENTIAL ROOMALITES! FOR IF ANYONE ASKS, I AM THE #JOEY!  HA! #CULTURALREFERENCE. #NOBUTSERIOUSLY, TO DECLARE YOURSELF THE #JOEY WOULD BE TO COURT DISASTER, WORSE THAN #SEASON5, I SHALL SAY NO MORE…

APARTMENT IS #ARCHITORTURIAL LANDMARK. RENOWNED ON ITS #QUIET #TREELINED BLOCK FOR ITS MALEFICENT ODOR, AND THE SUSPICIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF ALL CATS WITHING A 30 METRE RADIUS.

I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE HABARBITUATED IN THIS #CONVENIENTLYLOCATED LIVING SPACE FROM TIMES IMMEMORIAL, FROM THE INNOCENT ERAS. SIPPING BLACKCOFFEE FROM MY #WELLAPPOINTED [[SOOO MANY KNIVES]], #RECENTLYRENOVATED KITCHEN I CAN RECALL TRIBES OF YORE, FORAGING THROUGH THE SWEETGRASSES FOR SUMMER LEMMINGS, OR SINKING THEIR CRUDE WOODEN SPEARS INTO A DEFIANT BRISTLE HAIRED BOAR. ON THE #EXTREMELYRARE OCCASION THAT I BATHE IN MY #ANTIQUE #CLAWFOOTTUB, I THINK TO THESE FERAL INNOCENTS SINGING THEIR SONGS OVER THE BOAR’S PIT, AND COLLAPSING ONTO EACH OTHER, HUNT EXHAUSTED IN A GREAT COMMUNAL #HOMEHUT. THEIR ONLY SPORT WAS  #SURVIVAL, THE #HOMEFIRE THEIR SHARED STRENGTH. WE WILL SHARE THE DUTY OF THE DISHES AS THOSE BEFORE US SHARED THE SACRED RITE OF BOAR DISEMBOWLMENT. WE WILL SPLIT UTILITIES AS THE GRUBBY CHILDREN OF YORE WOULD SPLIT THE BOAR’S FEMUR, AND SLURP ITS SALTY-CHUNKED MARROW TO SLAKE THEIR BLOODY THIRST.

 

A SLY POTENTIALITE WOULD STOP NOW AND ASK:

Q: TALES OF YOUR HOMEMAKING SKILLS AND NARRATIVE ACUMEN PRECEDE YOU, DREXOPHILIOUS. YOU ARE #SMART AND #STRONG, VERILY. BUT WHAT OF THE DORMITION CHAMBER? DEFINE ITS ACCOUTREMENTS AND DIMENSIONALITY.

A: IMAGINE A BLACK CHAMBER, 13’X10’ [FULLSIZE OR QUEEN NO PROBLEMS!] ITS SOLE WINDOW BARRED BY MOLDING CLAPBOARD. ITS WALLS ARE #MOISTSLICK WITH A FLUID OF INDETERMINATE ORIGIN. IT IS AS IF THE PLACE ITSELF WERE ALIVE, LIKE A MOUTH OR OTHER GERMY ORIFICE, AS IF WITHIN THERE WERE A SLOW BREATH ALWAYS HEAVING, THE RESPIRATIONS OF AN UNSPEAKABLY FOUL BEAST ASLEEP, OR RESTING WITH ITS EYES OPEN. I GUARANTEE AFTER A STANCE IN THE ROOM, ITS MERE MEMORY WILL FOREVER ERECT YOUR #FEARHAIRS IN EXQUISITE TORMENT. #NOEXTRACHARGE.

Q:  I AM PRICKLED WITH ANTICIPATION, AND NAUSEATED AT THE PROSPECT. I ROLLED THE CHICKEN BONES, #SNIFFED THE ESSENCE OF #THECOLONEL AND WAS GUIDED TO ASK A QUESTION. IF I AM FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO GAIN THE RIGHT OF HABITATION, WHAT IS THE EXPENDITURE?

A: COST IS THE LEAST CONCERN FOR ONE WHO WISHES TO RESIDE AS A CHICK, PRONE IN TORMENT’S NEST.

Q: I GET THAT, BUT I AM ON A BUDGET, AND THESE STUDENT LOANS ARE PILING UP. #SERIOUSLYBRO, WHAT’S THE DEAL? FEEL WE REALLY #VIBINGHARD. #GOODFIT. WANNA #LOCKITUP.

A: YOUR FORTITUDE COMMENDS YOU. REALLY NEED PERSON #ASAP, AND INDEED WE GET ON WELL, COMRADES IN MISERY AND HATRED YOU AND I. MAYBE I LOWER RENT SLIGHTLY. BUT #HEEDMYWORDS! TO TAKE MY GRACIOUSNESS AS WEAKNESS WOULD BE A GRAND MISTAKE, WORSE THAN #HAVINGPRIESTSTEACHYOURCHILDREN OR #GOINGTOTHIRDBASEWITHYOURSECONDCOUSIN!!

Q: BUT HOW MUCH?

A: LET ME TELL YOU…A STORY.

THERE WAS ONCE A ROOMIE WHO LIVED IN A BLACK DUNGEONY CHAMBER IN A LAIR RULED BY A #LEASEHOLDER OF FEARSOME EYE AND SHARP TOOTH. THIS ROOMIE LEFT #TOFU AND #QUINOA IN SINK. #ROOMIE ALWAYS BUSY SHAVING HIS FACIAL HAIRS INTO NEW #INFERIOR SHAPES. SHAVINGS WAFT OVER INTO #MUYEXPENSIVE BUCKET OF BAT GUANO AND BONE DUST (80% PRIMATE ADMIXTURE #LIKEABOSS) FROM WHICH THIS #LEASEHOLDER MAKES HIS WEEKLY #CORPSEPAINT. ROOMIE ALWAYS INVITING #LEASEHOLDER INTO HIS DUNGEON TO LISTEN TO #ACOUSTICDEMOS. INVITING SMILING #DREAMWICCANS TO TAKE ECSTACY AND “WATCH SUN COME UP, SINCE IT IS ONLY THING AS BRIGHT AS YOU IN THIS WORLD GRL” FUCKING #PUKE #SHITBAG #WORTHLESS #INFERIOR WAS THIS ROOMIE. SAYS “DREX YOU NEED TO CHILL, AND MAYBE YOU’D GET SOME OF THAT #SWEETP, HI5! BOOYAH BRO! I MEAN HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN FOR YOU SERIOUSLY? ALWAYS BACK THERE STRUMMING YOUR, UHHH, INSTRUMENT, WITH THAT CREEPY SNAKE DRESSED UP LIKE A DOLL OR SOMETHING. SERIOUSLY BRO WE GOTTA TALK, YOU ARE WRECKING MY GAME, SO JUST LIKE CHILL A BIT, OK?” WEIRD HOW #LEASEHOLDER NOT SEE ROOMIE FOR MONTHS AFTER. MAYBE HE STRUMMING ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND FINGER PLEASING UNDERGRADS IN THE UNCONSTRUCTED VOID OF NONBEING?

 

TOTALLY NOT ABOUT ANYTHING RELATED TO ME. BUT…$1300/MO #OBO. IMMEDIATE MOVE IN. YOUR SECURITY IS A LIE, RENDERING FICTION ALL DEPOSITS MADE IN ITS NAME.

#NOPETS. #NOCHILDREN. #NOCOUPLES. #NODJS. #NOSMOKERS. #NOHAIRBUNS. #NOCHRISTIANS. #NOJEWS. #NOMUSLIMS. #NOMONOTHEISTS. #NOHOLYBOOKS, #NOJUNKIES, #NORELIGIOUSICONOGRAPHY. #NOINFERIORS. #NOPOSITIVEATTITUDES. #NO #NEWAGE #QUASIEASTERN #SEXCULTGYMNASTICS [ALL YOGA MATS FED TO PET SNAKE #TRISMEGISTUS] #NOSMILING. #NODIRECTEYECONTACT. #NOACOUSTICGUITARS. #NOTOOTHPASTE. #NOSORCERY.  #NOVISITORS UNLESS PREAPPROVED 6 MONTHS IN ADVANCE. #NOFEELINGSTALK. #NOCRYING. #NOMERCY.

-DV

Follow Drex on Twitter or, if you’re single, hit him up on OK Cupid! You can also e-mail him at drexsez AT gmail DOT com. 

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