Green Eggs and Slam


  • Sergeant D

tosin misha
Unlike most of u, whose closest contact with the bands u idolize is squealing with delight when they favorite one of ur tweets, i hang out with the members of ur favorite bands all the time (thanks 2 my status as a highly respected metal blogger). And in case u didn’t know, most bands find their fans extremely annoying. Usually what happens is, my friend from ur favorite band and I are having a conversation, then u come up and rudely interrupt us with some irritating comment/irrelevant story/rude question. The band guy does his best to be cool 2 u, because he is a professional (and also because he wants u to go away), but u won’t fuck off so he makes up some flimsy excuse for why he has to leave, shoots me a glance like “wtf is wrong with this fuking kid” then we go somewhere else to finish our conversation in peace.

If u want to be the guy in the story above, you can close ur browser now and just keep doing what ur doing. But if u want to be one of the fans that the bands don’t hate, follow this simple guide for how 2 act when u meet ur favorite band!

Screen Shot 2014-07-28 at 8.52.18 AM

Bronies and furries are bad enough, but wanting to fuck a GUITAR is a whole other level of weirdness. WTF is wrong with djent people???

Screen Shot 2014-07-15 at 3.53.24 PM

again with the gay stuff >.<

dont mention ur boner
For some reason, when many metal fanboys meet a member of their favorite band, the first thing that pops into their head is their weiner: “omg i’m so hard right now” “holy fuck dude i cant believe im talking to you i just came in my BEHOLD THE ARCTOPUS sweatpants” “dude your band gives me the biggest boner,” etc. I am not sure what the root of this baffling phenomenon is; I can only assume it has something to do with assburgers (and speaking of assburgers, this seems especially common in the djent/ponytail scene). No matter what that spergy little voice in ur head is telling u, DO NOT TALK ABOUT UR DICK, CUM, JIZZING, OR BUTTHOLES.


misha ask

if u want a terrifying look at the horrors of assburgers syndrome, look no further than Misha’s (trigger warning: autism)

doc complisult

“Your last three albums were fucking TERRIBLE so I expected the new one to suck too but it was actually not that bad! I downloaded it off some blogspot but I may actually buy it if I keep listening to it.”

No complisults

With the dick/gay stuff out of the way, let’s talk about the next big “no” item: complisults. Adam Carolla coined the term “complisult” for those passive aggressive turns of phrase that are half annoying fanboyish compliment, half super-irritating insult. For example, “Hey man, I’m a big fan, love your band. Your set tonight wasn’t that good tho man. I mean, I’ve seen you guys a bunch and like usually you’re siiiiiiick but idk man you were just kinda shitty tonight. Anyway, can i get a pic with u???”

From what I can tell, the thinking here is “if i subtly insult him, he’ll think that i’m ‘not liek the other fanboys.’ he’ll respect my integrity and think im cool because i KEEP IT REAL.” but that is not the case. they will not think ur cool, they will just think ur a tactless socially awkward dipshit who can’t keep his opinions to himself. not because they are insecure or sensitive (trust me, they do not care whether u live or die much less whether u think their set tonight was their best), but because nobody wants to hear ur poorly informed, excessively strong, unsolicited negative opinions. it would be like if i came up to you at your job and was like ‘hey man i think ur great but idk u kinda half-assed that last batch of fries.’

chris drew from NEVERSHOUTNEVER puts the ultimate punisher Bryan Stars on blast (nice aeropostale shirt lol)

A few other don’ts

Don’t be a punisher. As u might be able to guess, a punisher is someone who makes u feel like talking to them is punishment, usually because they talk too much and are incapable of reading social cues that would let them know that its time to wrap things up. Dont get pissy if ur mancrush can’t hang out with u for an hour talking about string tension. Shows are busy and monopolizing bands’ time is rude, annoying and makes u look an entry-level aspie dildo.

Don’t ask for favors, for example “can u listen to my demo and mb pass it on to ur label and tell them it’s great?” Or “can u get my friend in he cant afford a ticket but he loves ur band” or asking them to record your voicemail greeting or whatever. Just say “Hey man, great set. Can I have that shirt in XXXXL? Cool, see you next time!” and be on ur way.

Dont talk shit about other bands (especially other bands on the tour). The music industry is a very small world, and unlike the comments section of this site, most people in bands are not narrow-minded mouthbreathers who care about genre wars. There’s a pretty good chance that if you shit-talk another band, the person u are talking to is friends with that band and u just made urself look like a dum-dum with diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the mind.

Last but certainly not least, dont tell them that u illegally downloaded their album. It doesn’t help if you hastily add “but it was awesome and I’m totally gonna buy it!!” That’s sort of like saying, “I fingered your little sister while you were at work– but she’s really cool, and I’m totally gonna take her out to a nice dinner! Wanna smell my finger??”

Screen Shot 2014-07-21 at 10.33.21 AM

Show Comments
Metal Sucks Greatest Hits