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This is MetalSucks’ 25,000th Post

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1986 WORLD SERIES

Y’know this post? This post you’re reading right now? Well, hey, guess what? It’s MetalSucks’ 25,000th post! Seriously! Nearly eight years after the site launched, we have written a fuckton of (mostly) snarky stories about metal. We’ve come a long way since the first of our many, many, MANY site slogans.

We know what you’re thinking: Holy shit, how is MetalSucks still a thing?!? Believe us, we ask ourselves the same question every day.

But we’re grateful to be here! We have the best jobs in the world, and we can’t believe our good luck that we get to do what we do. So love us or hate us, we appreciate you coming to the site — some of you for years now!!!

Last time we hit such a special landmark, we collected all of our favorite MS stories up until that date. This time, we’re doing something different: we’ve collected all of our most offensive stories to date (based on the number of complaints we get from you folks, at least). We hope you still don’t enjoy these as little as you ever have. Or something.

10) That one post about that leaked photo of that deathcore keyboardist topless

Long before naughty pics of Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton were leaked on the web, this poor, unfortunate soul, who shall not be named, made the tragic mistake of sending a picture of her bewbs to a boyfriend… who, after their break-up, put the photo online. We’ve since been forced to take this post down, and, gentlemen and women that we are, we will not explicitly name the musician or the band she was in at the time. But it’s not like you don’t all know who we’re talking about.

9) Here’s a Photo of Lars’ Little Ulrich

“Some things you can’t unsee, bro.”

8) Video: Rings of Saturn Guitarist Lucas Mann’s Criminal Abuse of Guitar Pro

While we had already broke the news that Rings of Saturn probably aren’t the musicians they claim to be, this particular post really seemed to bring the angry RoS fans out of the woodwork — we still get angry e-mails about it. Denial: it’s not just a river in Egypt.

Sample:

“Mann (and by extension, Rings of Saturn) are duping their audience, posing as musicians who possess skills that they do (or, at least, that they haven’t proven they possess). Furthermore, they’re lowering the bar for ALL music. The message they’re sending to other aspiring musicians is, ‘Hey, it’s okay to let a computer do all the work while you just play rock star. No need to learn your craft. Hell, no need to even be holding an instrument when you write your music! Just input that shit into a computer andvoila! You can still get signed and do big tours and all kinds of other awesome stuff!'”

7) Oceano Prove That Deathcore Has Depths

When now-former MetalSucks hardcore aficionado Gary Suarez gave this album a perfect 5/5 rating in his review, shit hit the fan so hard that the fan broke.

Sample:

“My sole, albeit minor criticism of the otherwise irreproachable Depths pertains to its six-and-a-half minute long title track. This melodiously repetitive, comparably exoteric diversion–perhaps an unconscious nod to the early looping experiments of Pierre Henry or Karlheinz Stockhausen– both well meaning though ill-advised and should be chalked up to the occasionally misguided ambitions of youth. I won’t posture as a seasoned deathcore aficionado, and I’d postulate that some of the more experienced fans of the subgenre may be disinclined to agree with my ebullient assessment of Oceano, perhaps favoring antecedants such as Suicide Silence and Whitechapel. Even still, Oceano’s Depths delivers on the promise of its title and offers an immersing aural experience for fans of La Monte Young and Job For A Cowboy alike.”

6) Holy Crap, You Guys Have to Hear IWRESTLEDABEARONCE

Axl was backing this band wwwwaaaayyyy back in 2008, before they were even signed. This article is still the #1 piece his detractors cite when criticizing his critiques: “Fuck do you know, asshole? You like IWABO.”

Sample:

“Hopefully this band will be signed very, very soon; it kills me that I don’t have a high quality mp3 of ‘Kevin Bacon’ to listen to to my heart’s content.”

5) President Barack Obama: “I Know Dave Mustaine Didn’t Write Any of Those Metallica Riffs”

It was actually an entirely different President Obama-related post that started MS’ long and sordid history of satirical trolling, but this may be the one for which we took the most guff. As is usually the case with these types of posts, the controversy seems to have started when a bunch of very, very, very stupid people got really confused by a very, very, very obvious joke. Nerd rage level: wizard.

Sample:

“Dave Mustaine has a lot of questions about me? Well I have a lot of questions about him! How do we know he really had anything to do with those songs on [Metallica’s] Kill ‘Em All and Ride the Lightning? I didn’t see him write them, did you? I’m not questioning it, I just… I know he didn’t write any of those riffs. How come he was invisible until he became whatever he was in Megadeth?”

4) Adult Actress Bobbi Starr’s “Hardcore Super Starr” Column

In 2010, we were, uh, doing some “research” when we discovered that one of our favorite porn stars, Bobbi Starr, loves metal. We immediately set about persuading her to write a column for us that would combine her unique talents with her impressive knowledge of extreme metal. The reader reaction was so negative that Starr called it quits after a mere three columns. There goes our invitation to the AVN awards.

Sample:

“Going back to the subject of anal: What’s more metal than acting on one’s impulses and, at the risk of sounding like a shoe commercial, just doing it? You know, like using spit for lube during anal sex. Here’s a fun fact: nine times out of ten, there’s more lube than you ever knew existed on the average porn set, but more often then not, nature’s own is the lube of preference. Stopping a scene to get the KY tube open is a boner-kill, but spitting on the appendage or orifice in question keeps the scene moving. And it’s totally metal.”

3) Century Media Responds Again! The Spotify Debate Rages On!

We were, um, less-than-polite in our admonishment of CM’s decision not to have their artists on Spotify, leading to a spirited, public debate between MS co-EIC Vince Neilstein and the label. Even people from other labels were pretty pissed about this one, and to this day, readers accuse of us being on the take from Spotify. Oh well. But, y’know. We were right all along.

Sample:

“Century Media is willfully ignoring the entire crux of my argument, namely that their business model of charging a lot for pieces of plastic (or digital files to be stored on a harddrive) is outdated, and that all record labels are going to have to evolve to act more like management groups in the very near future. CM hasn’t addressed that argument directly at all.”

2) Every list we’ve ever made.

Man, you guys are thin-skinned.

The 21 Best Metal Albums of the 21st Century… So Far
The Top 25 Modern Metal Guitarists
The Top 25 Modern Metal Drummers
The Top 25 Modern Metal Frontmen
The Top 25 Modern Metal Bassists

1) Public Service Announcement: Girls Do Not Like Metal!

Needless to say, the number one pick comes from the most hated man in metal himself, Sergeant D. People still can’t tell if he was trolling or not. Regardless, some of you will never, ever forgive us for running this story.

Sample:

“Please note that there are some girls who actually like metal, but they are very, very few and far between. Also, they don’t make a big deal out of it because they’re usually introverted and awkward just like guys who are into metal. For all intents and purposes, unless we are talking about Ozzfest garbage, girls who like metal do not exist, especially girls who are into nerd metal. So next time you see a girl on the internet showing off her Suffocation shirt and you are all ‘OMG she’s so hot and she’s into cool music!!!’ just remember that if it’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t!! Don’t get burned!”

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