What the...??

Bill Kelliher Put His Penis in Lars Ulrich’s Pocket


25Ask a metal band who they’d love to open for, and ninety-nine out of a hundred will say “Metallica.” Can you blame them? For one thing, it’s everyone’s childhood dream come true, and for another, it would put your band in front of a MASSIVE audience, potentially exposing thousands of new fans to your music.

Of course, gigs opening for Metallica don’t just grow from Rob Trujillo’s braids, so most bands will never get to actually play support for ‘Tallica. Consequently, a band like Mastodon, who have opened for Metallica many, many times over the course of the past ten years or so, considers themselves to be beyond lucky — and rightfully so.

But how, then, might on develop a relationship with Metallica? The kind of rapport which will lead to these prestigious bookings?

Well, during a recent interview with ARTISTdirect, Mastodon’s Troy Sanders was asked about the first time the band met Metallica — and the story he told in response is the stuff of rock legends, sure, but more importantly, it provides real insight into how a musician might bond with his idol:

“All I can remember is we were so excited our guitar player Bill [Kelliher] walked over to Lars Ulrich, whipped his dick out and put in Lars’s pocket [Laughs]. I can’t believe we’ve done so many tours with them since.”

I can’t believe that Sanders can’t believe that Mastodon have done so many tours with Metallica since — it’s almost like he’s not aware that putting your penis in another man’s pocket is a traditional greeting of respect in Ulrich’s native Denmark, where it’s known as lomme pølse. I guess he’s lucky he has a master networker like Kelliher on his team!

But I digress — the real takeaway here isn’t that Sanders is totally ignorant in the customs of foreign lands, but, rather, that the key to getting on Metallica’s good side is to put your penis in Lars Ulrich’s pocket. So every metal musician reading this, whether you’re already successful or just starting out, remember — if you ever have the chance to be in a room with Ulrich, do not hesitate to whip it out and stick where Lars keeps his wallet. You’ll be glad you did!

(Ladies, fret not — there is a female equivalent to this custom, baglomme bæver, which dictates that your rub your bare vagina on the back pocket. Learn it, live it, love it.)

P.S. If I told you one of the guitarists from Mastodon put his cock in Lars Ulrich’s pocket the first time they met, would you have EVER guessed that I wasn’t talking about Brent Hinds???

[via The PRP]


Show Comments
Metal Sucks Greatest Hits