For What are Metal Musicians Thankful? 2019 Edition
Thursday is Thanksgiving! I dunno about you folks, but I… love… this… HOLIDAY! The family! The celebration of genocide! The consumerism! It’s all just so heart-warming!
I’m kidding. Thanksgiving is a garbage holiday that we all continue to celebrate in the name of getting a long weekend off from work. We’re thankful it comes but once a year.
But for what are metal musicians and bands thankful? I’m totally speculating here, but if I had to guess, I’d guess that…
Tool are thankful their fans are so patient.
Aaron Lewis is thankful he’s ‘Muhrican.
Eddie Van Halen is thankful for anonymity.
David Lee Roth is thankful he’s no longer working with Eddie Van Halen.
Joey Jordison is thankful that at least he’s not Chris Fehn.
Craig Jones is thankful no one has even noticed that he replaced himself with a mannequin ten years ago.
Ironically, Tortilla Man is thankful for Thai food.
Ryan Martinie is thankful that he has made such a lasting impact on our culture.
Ivan Moody is thankful that none of his friends ever tell him anything is a bad idea, ever.
Kerry King is thank for second, third, and fourth chances.
Flaw is thankful anyone even remembers who they are.
Doyle Wolfgang von Frankstein is thankful for Purell.
Axl Rose is thankful for fifty years of loving marriage to Mickey Rourke.
Mike Portnoy is thankful he no longer has to listen to James LaBrie’s singing.
Mötley Crüe are thankful for Netflix.
Dying Fetus are thankful for Comedy Central.
Lordi are thankful for Rob Zombie.
Manowar are thankful that people still put up with this shit.
Allegaeon are thankful that the crowds to which they play are usually more receptive than this.
Rick Rubin is thankful to have been present for the creation of black metal.