Misadventures in Heavy Metalling

Beavis and Butt-Head Starring Odin and Thor: Freyja Meets the Great Thor-nholio

Beavis and Butt-Head Starring Odin and Thor: Freyja Meets the Great Thor-nholio
Illustration by Matt Smith

Beavis and Butt-Head Starring Odin and Thor: Freyja Meets the Great Thor-nholio is part two in a series. Catch up on part one here!

[SCENE—Valaskjálf, ODIN’s majestic hall where he and THOR often hang out, watch TV, and drink cheap beer. The two gods are seated upon Hliðskjálf, ODIN’s magical throne, which looks like an archaic wooden love seat for romantic couples, sipping cans of Falcon Ale and watching Scandinavian death metal music videos.

ODIN’s ravens fidget from their perch upon each of his shoulders and his two wolves lie upon the floor near his feet while he scratches their coats with his bare toes. THOR glances furtively about himself, wary of the abundant and unkempt wildlife in the room, and wraps his glamorous cloak tighter around his muscular body.]

ODIN: Huh huh. Huh huh.

THOR: Heh heh.

ODIN: Huh huh. Huh huh. Vikings are cool. Johan Hegg looks like a viking. Huh huh. 

THOR: Heh heh heh. This song rules. Heh heh. 

ODIN: Huh huh huh. Of course you like it, it’s like, all about you and how you, like, die and stuff. Huh huh. A giant snake sneezes poison on you and you die! Huh huh. 

THOR: Shut up, dill-weed!

[Valaskjálf’s door bell rings and the two gods abruptly stop talking and look at each other.]

ODIN: Dude, I think she’s here.

THOR [lifting his hands upwards, bending his elbows at a ninety-degree angle, and shaking his fists furiously]: Yeah, yeah! She’s here! She’s here! Heh heh hmm. Heh hmmm hhmmmm mmmmmmmm heh heh heh hmm.

[The two gods stand up and walk to the ornately decorated front door of ODIN’s mighty hall; ODIN’s ravens remain perched on his shoulders for the full duration of the short stroll. ODIN opens the door, revealing the incredibly beautiful FREYJA who stands outside, staring at her cell phone, impatiently waiting. She is dressed in very flattering, medieval-style designer garments and is bedecked in all manner of gold and silver jewelry. An opulent cat-pulled chariot is parked behind her, the felines now lying on Valaskjálf’s fertile lawn and licking their paws.]

ODIN [looking at FREJYA]: Hey, baby. 

THOR: Heh heheh. Hmmm heh.

FREYJA [a quizzical expression appearing on her face as she looks up from her phone and sees the two gods for the first time]: Oh, hi. I’m looking for Valaskjálf in Asgard. Is this it?

ODIN: Huh huh. Yeah, this is Valaskjálf in…Ass-guard. Huh huh.

THOR: Heh heh heh. You said Ass-guard. Heh heh.

ODIN: Huh huh huh. Ass-guard is cool. Huh huh.

THOR: Heh heh heh. Hmmmm.

ODIN: Huh huh. Huh huh.

FREYJA: Okay… right… so I’m looking for Odin. I received this invitation [holding out her phone for the boys to inspect its digital invitation] to come to his home here at Valaskjálf in Asgard [ODIN and THOR snicker] because he has a magnificent golden necklace that he would like to give me. 

ODIN: Huh huh. Uhhhh… I’m Odin. 

FREYJA [lowering the phone, extreme disappointment in her voice, eyes darting between the ravens on ODIN’s shoulders]: You’re Odin? 

ODIN: Uhhh… yeah. 

THOR: Dude, where’d you get a magnificent golden necklace from?

[ODIN elbows THOR in the ribs.]

THOR: Uhhhfffff!

ODIN [to FREYJA]: Huh huh. Yeah, I have, like, a really magnificent, golden necklace to, like, uh, give to you. Huh huh. I’ve heard you pay… uh, really good… for cool jewelry and stuff. Huh huh huh. 

FREYJA: Where did you hear that?

ODIN: Uhhh… my ravens told me. Huh huh.  

FREYJA [lowering her head and closing her eyes, her extravagant silver earrings swaying with the motion]: Oh, god… [now muttering to herself]… how come everyone seems to have heard about that?

ODIN: Huh?

FREYJA: Nothing! Nothing. You have the necklace, though?

ODIN: Uhh… yeah. Would you like to, uh, come inside and see it?

FREYJA: Well, seeing as I came all this way to Asgard [ODIN and THOR snicker again], yes.

[A few moments later ODIN, THOR, and FREYJA all stand inside the mostly empty interior of Valaskjálf. ODIN’s wolves stare intently at FREYJA from their positions beside Hliðskjálf, ODIN’s magical throne.]

FREYJA [crossing her arms, which pushes the purse she carries to the side of her torso; the purse itself is large but elegant and plated with gold and silver in a simple, archaic pattern of cats]: So, where is this magnificent necklace? 

ODIN: Uhhh… before I, like, get it out, I think we should talk about payment and stuff first.

THOR: Yeah! Yeah! Payment! Yeah! Yeah! Hmmmmmm. 

FREYJA: And what do you have in mind for payment?

ODIN: We want you to be our woman. Huh huh. 

THOR: Heh hmmm hhmmmm mmmmmmmm heh heh heh hmm.

FREYJA: What?!?

ODIN: Huh huh. We thought it’d be, like cool and stuff, you know, if, huh huh, you let us score with you. Huh. 

FREYJA [putting her face in her hands, then looking up again, anger in her eyes]: Motherfucker! I am not going to score with you two idiots!

ODIN: But, like, didn’t you do it with some dwarves for the Brisingamen necklace?

[THOR, muttering incoherently, quietly begins to sneak up to FREYJA’s side.]

FREYJA [gritting her teeth and glaring at ODIN]: You shouldn’t believe everything that you see on social media. 

ODIN: Uhh, okay… maybe if you score with just me then?

FREYJA: No! I’m not going to have sex with either of you! And if that’s all that you want then I’m going to go home right now! 

ODIN: Uhh, I didn’t say have sex, I said score. Huh huh. We want to score with you. Huh huh huh. 

FREYJA [utterly confused and completely oblivious to THOR’s movements at her side despite the strange muttering noises he continues to make]: What does that even mean?

[Catching FREYJA off guard, THOR jams his hand down into her purse, which is open at the top, rummages around briefly, and then pulls out a bottle of prescription pills.]

THOR: Heh hmmm hhmmmm mmmmmmmm!!!

FREYJA [taken aback]: What the hell are you doing?!

THOR [opening the bottle]: Heh hmmmm hmmm hmmmm hmmmmmmmm!

FREYJA: What… no! No! 

[THOR hoists the opened bottle up to his mouth while ODIN watches with his single eye; one of his ravens begins to peck at his beard.]

FREYJA: No! Don’t take those, you idiot! Those are my birth control pills! They’re extra-strength! 

[THOR dumps the entire contents of the bottle into his mouth and begins to chew and swallow.]

ODIN: Huh huh. Huh huh huh. 

THOR [munching]: Hmm hmm mm hmmm heh heh hhhmmmm. 

FREYJA [bewildered]: What in god’s name is wrong with you? I need those! I’m a fertility goddess for Christ’s sake! I can get pregnant just by the wind blowing the wrong way if I’m not careful!

THOR: Heh heh heh. Heh heh. 

FREYJA [sighs with disgust, looks at ODIN]: You don’t even have a magnificent necklace here, do you?

ODIN: Uhhh…

THOR [pulling his cape backwards up over his head with one hand while brandishing his hammer with the other]: I am the great Thor-nholio!!! I need goat-mead for my almighty lung-hole!!!

[THOR begins to wander the mostly empty hall while making numerous declarations about his new identity as THOR-NHOLIO and needing goat-mead for his lung-hole, waving his hammer around wildly.]

FREYJA: This is such bullshit.

THOR-NHOLIO [walking towards ODIN’s wolves, which have fallen asleep]: I am Thor-nholio! Heh heh hmmm. Are you threatening me? Hmm hmm. Heh heh. Are you threatening me?

[FREYJA stares, mouth agape, at THOR-NHOLIO as he continues to haphazardly traverse the room, muttering and recklessly waving his hammer around.]

Follow Rowdy Geirsson on TwitterHis new book, new book, Norse Mythology for Bostonians, is out now.

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