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The Ten Best Metal Albums for Keeping Away Trick-or-Treaters

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It’s Halloween this weekend, and you know what that means — lots and lots of annoying kids ringing your doorbell to ask for candy, and threatening to egg or TP your house if you don’t comply.

I know Halloween is a sacred “holiday” to, like, Rob Zombie fans, but for the more discerning (read: grouchy) metalhead, it can be a true nightmare — and not in a “fun” way.

To that end, I’ve found it best to make the exterior of the Rosenberg Wing of The MetalSucks Mansion as un-in-fucking-viting as possible to deter trick-or-treaters from even thinking of approaching the front gate. There are different ways to do that, although this being Halloween, a lot of things that would normally serve as visual warnings simply don’t work here. A decapitated corpse doesn’t repel people the way it does on a normal Sunday evening.

That leaves aural and olfactory discouragement as your best options… but the latter option blows, because, y’know, you have to experience it as well.

For metal fans, the former strategy is ideal. Music others consider horrific is our bread and butter! So if you wanna keep the kiddies away on Old Hallow’s Eve, simply sit back, relax, and crank the shit outta these:

Carcass, Reek of Putrefaction

Jeff Walker recently called Carcass’ debut “a sonic abortion.” I know it’s unheard of to quote yourself on your band’s album sticker, but Walker ought to consider it.

Darkthrone, Transilvanian Hunger

Transilvanian Hunger sounds sufficiently unpolished enough that people may assume there’s actually some kind of live Satanic ritual happening in your living room.

The Dillinger Escape Plan, Calculating Infinity

As chaotic as chaos gets, Calculating Infinity is a nervous breakdown in audio form. Guaranteed to make an excellent aural moat full of alligators.

Hate Eternal, I, Monarch

I, Monarch is a war in audio form; the drums actively sound like WMDs, and Erik Rutan’s vocals sound like they must be coming from someone who eats children alive. So yeah ain’t nobody ringing your doorbell when this is blasting.

Mayhem, Ordo Ad Chao

Mayhem albums are uninviting by nature, but Ordo Ad Chao, in particular, sounds like the band built a recording studio from inside of a human colon inflicted with dysentery.

Nadja, Trembled

Ninety-nine out of a hundred people will think this is either just feedback or a recording of a band tuning their instruments or something. Either way, you, the anti-social grump, win!

Napalm Death, Scum

The first-ever grindcore albums remains one of the most difficult-to-digest releases of all time. I think people hear this music and decide whoever is blasting it must be on meth. Let ’em.

Pig Destroyer, Pornographers of Sound: Live in NYC

Recorded live at Brooklyn’s Saint Vitus Bar shortly before the lockdown and released earlier this year, Pornographers of Sound is so raw you can get trichinosis just from listening to it and so aggressive Relapse had to have it tested for steroid abuse.

Portal, Swarth

Most people don’t even consider this music.

Sabazius, Devotional Songs

This album is so long that the band can’t even upload the entire thing to Bandcamp. The track “Her Crimson Lotus Feet” alone is 72 minutes of deeply intimidating, painfully bleak doom, all with a ritualistic, occult vibe. The last half hour is so monstrous your neighbors might actually call the cops… or an exorcist.

What songs do YOU recommend to deter trick-or-treaters? Make your suggestions in the comments section below!

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