You all know who Shia LaBeouf is, right? He’s the incredibly irritating actor who starred in such terrible films as Transformers, Wall Street 2: Money Never Grossed, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Michael Bay, Disturbia, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Realization that Harrison Ford is Getting Way Too Old for this Shit So You’d Better Give Us Your Money Now!, Eagle Eye, and, as of this week, Transformers 3: Dark of the Fuck Yourself. (Above, watch his best performance yet, as a cranky movie star who throws some coffee at a paparazzo, and then flees.)

Well, apparently Mr. LaBeouf and his representatives sat down over the weekend, and they came to two conclusions:

• Shia’s career has too much artistic credibility.
• There are still aging franchises Shia can help ruin.

And, thus, they came to this logical conclusion: Shia should direct a documentary about the making of the new Marilyn Manson album.

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Last month is was announced that Marilyn Manson and the young girl who lets him sodomize her, Evan Rachel Wood, would be co-starring in a retro slasher flick called Splatter Sisters, but other than it having some kind of road movie element, we actually weren’t told very much about the project. Now MTV has spoken to director Adam Bhala Lough, and gotten some details:

“It’s about two 18 year old beautiful drifter girls who go on a murderous rampage across California, killing scores of teenage boys. And they’re under mind control by the leader of this death metal band, this underground death metal band,” [Lough] said.

The death metal band leader in question is Lars, which is Manson’s role. He’s not just a rocker though. Lars also knows how to swing a sword! “There is a lot of samurai shit in [the movie] too because Lars is a samurai,” Lough said. “There is a lot of decapitation, a lot of arms getting chopped off, blood gushing, but in the beautiful way of a Japanese samurai film.”

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Did you know that we have lives outside of the metal world? It’s true! And sometimes, that life gets distracting. I LOVE writing for MetalSucks more than I love certain members of my mother’s family, but like any job, there are gonna be days when there’s some out-of-office shit going on and it’s really hard to just sit at your desk and concentrate.

Alas, today is one of those days. Thus, I present four stories that you might find of interest, but about which I have little to say. My sincerest apologies.

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Here’s an interesting factoid Neuraxis fans might now know: vocalist Alex LeBlanc has actually worked a few matches as a pro wrestler on the Canadian indie circuit! So we asked him to review Darren Aronofsky’s new, Oscar nominated film, The Wrestler. Here are Alex’s thoughts on the film and its portrayl of pro-wrestling. Enjoy!

Being into wrestling for eight years now, I went to see The Wrestler with an opened mind. I knew it was going to be good since I’m a fan of Mickey Rourke and [director] Darren Aronofsky’s Requiem for a Dream. The thing I was particulary interested in is the portrayal of the wrestling world. Let me tell you: it is so accurate.

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Hollywood ingénue Evan Rachel Wood and shock rocker Marilyn Manson are dunzo, generally worthless celeb gossip blog D Listed reports. Apparently the bright young thing dumped the God of Fuck after he tried to kick her brother, Ira, out of her guest house, where he was living.

A “source” explains:

“Evan owned the house and didn’t want her unemployed sibling living on the street. It was the tipping point. Evan was fed up with how controlling and emotionally abusive Marilyn was.”

So now we know what the lyrical content of Manson’s new album will be about.

I’d say Manson should pursue Kat Dennings next, since she’s kinda goth-y looking and has huge boobs, but I hear she’s shtupping director Robert Rodiguez (who, incidentally, used to slip it to Rose McGowan, Manson’s ex). Anyone else have a suggestion for barely legal chicks Manson can fuck for free publicity?

-AR

I saw a pretty fantastic new movie last night called The Wrestler. It was directed by Darren Aronofsky (Pi, Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain) and stars Mickey Rourke as an over the hill, down on his luck pro-wrestler looking to make amends with his estranged daughter (Marilyn Manson fucker Evan Rachel Wood) and kindle a romance with an over the hill, down on her luck stripper (Marisa Tomei).

ANWAY, the reason I mention it is this: there’s a great scene where Rourke and Tomei are in a bar, and Ratt’s “Round and Round” comes on the jukebox. This inspires a conversation about the two characters’ mutual love of 80′s hair metal and leads to Rourke uttering the line of dialog which serves as this article’s headline – a line of dialog which I found insanely funny and which, to my pleasant surprise, a few thousand other people did, too.

So with all due respect to “that pussy Cobain,” here Ratt performing “Round and Round” in 1984, when they were at the height of their powers. If this don’t start your week right, nuthin’ will.

The Wrestler will be in theaters in the U.S. on December 19. I highly recommend it.

-AR