via Topless Robot

I would give anything for that to be the actual James Bond theme music from now on, wouldn’t you?

ANYWAY, here’s some shit we did this week:

• We spoke to Neige from Alcest and SL from The Devil’s Blood.
• Lazarus A.D.’s Jeff Paulick got pissed the Packers losing.
• We checked out the latest releases from Nails, Skin Like Iron, Fatal Birth, and No Tolerance.
• We previewed some more more Albums That Will Fuck Your Face Off in 2012: 7 Horns 7 Eyes, Crazy Lixx, Wormed, and Imperial State Electric.
• We got excited about the rumored line-ups for both Summer Slaughter and Mayhem Fest.
• We helped Godsmack, Staind, and Halestorm name their new tour.
• We enjoyed Juliet’s video for “My First Hardcore Song.”
• We suffered through a bad trip with The Dillinger Escape Plan’s Greg Puciato.
• We felt bad for Trivium — poor bastards have to go tour with Asking Alexandria.
• We pondered whether the shutdown of Megaupload was good or bad.

And don’t forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter for all the most up-to-date suckitude.

See ya Monday, folks!

-AR

OH MY GOD I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. Godsuck, Suckd, and Halesuck are all going on tour together this spring — and no, that’s not the part I’m happy about. Holy shit, that tour is one more awful band away from signaling the coming Apocalypse. No no no, the reason I’m happy is ’cause the bands are asking for fans to suggest the name of the trek. You can do so by leaving a comment under this post on Godsuck’s Facebook page or this post on Suckd’s FB page; the interns for each band’s managers will then pick the top five choices from each post on Thursday, and people can vote on the name of the tour.

And this is A++++++++ WDBWA AGAIN news for two reasons:

1. It’s pretty much the best trolling opportunity ever. You can leave any number of sophomoric, fucktarded, barely-even-clever-or-funny suggestions for tour names on the bands’ pages, and while the chances that the bands themselves will ever see it is pretty slim, the chances that you will seriously enrage some nitwits who actually like these three groups is, like, eight-bajillion percent. And as we all know from the mere fact that I am writing and you are reading this post, THERE IS NOTHING FUNNIER THAN NERD RAGE.
2. The actual, serious, completely unironic names that the aforementioned nitwit fans are suggesting are, of course, totally hilarious. I could look at these all day, no joke. Here are some of my favorites so far… some of these are so bad, I have to believe that they were created by actual music industry professionals:

Art by Mike Capprotti

HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?!?!?

I always thought that Jesus was made-up, like Luke Skywalker, or evolution, but after reading this, I am getting my ass to a church to start some serious effing repenting.

The Gazette says that this weekend at a Godsmack show in Dubuque, Iowa, FUCKING DIMEBAG showed up and gave some poor Godsmack fan a lesson in manners by ripping out the motherfucker’s tracheotomy tube. HOLY CRAP THAT IS AWESOME.

Brad Kluesner says he was minding his own business in the front row at the concert. That’s when he says a stranger to him, Darrell Abbott, started bothering him.

Click to read more…

Mayhem Fest was in Dallas this past Wednesday night, and because Texas was Dime’s home state, and because Dime’s birthday would have been on August 20, headliners Disturbed did a cover of “Walk,” along with members of All Shall Perish, Trivium, and Godsuck.

Aaaannndddd… I thought you guys might wanna see it. So… now you can! Hoo-ray!

-AR

Reader John Schwarz alerted us to the existence of the Epicenter Festival, and if you told me that the show’s bookers designed it specifically to make sure that no one from MetalSucks attended, well, I’d believe it. Look at this shitfest:

There are a handful of insanely popular, maddeningly terrible modern rock acts not on the bill — Nickelback, Korn, Linkin Park, Godsmack, Creed, and Hinder all come to mind — which is too bad, because if they were playing this fest, we’d be like one major earthquake away from being done with some of the worst bands in the history of sound. The only good news about this thing’s existence is that it has made me aware of several awful bands I didn’t previously know, so that now if anyone is ever like “Hey, wanna check out Skillet?”, I can respond, “Couldn’t you just hammer a rusty nail into my penis instead?”

-AR

It has literally been years since we’ve done a new edition of “Board to Death,” the column in which we make fun of people on internet message boards, because we’re nice people like that. But last night Ozzy Osbourne’s intern made this announcement on the Ozzfest Facebook page…

…and while I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would care in light of the fact that there’s still The Rockstar Energy Drink Mayhem Festival featuring the Jagermeister Mobile Stage, Vans Warped Tour, The Rockstar Energy Drink Uproar Tour, Summer Slaughter, Slaughter Survivors, Slaughter Slaughter, The All Stars Tour, The Cool Tour (actually I don’t think that one is coming back but still), The Old People Doing Glam for the Sake of Nostalgia Tour, The Hellmann’s Dijon Mustard Extreme Grindcore Festival, and eighteen thousand other Ozzfests that aren’t called Ozzfest. But some people do care, and those people left inadvertently hilarious messages under this announcement.

I’m not gonna do screencaps for all of these, nor am I going to identify everyone by their full name, because it’s been seven whole days since someone last threatened to sue us and I’d like to see if we can make it as far as ten days. But obviously it would be very easy for you to just go to the aforementioned Facebook page and see who I’m talking about.

And on that note, here are some of my favorite comments…

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Thursday I wrote that MetalSucks honchos Vince Neilstein and Axl Rosenberg (pictured here) left me in charge of this site while they visit Mexico for cheap plastic surgery conduct some out-of-town business. And my first order as acting chief was the establishment of an anything-goes No-Pants Zone so we could all get loose, party naked, and forget about stern, veiny bands like Chimaira and noodlephiliacs like The Ocean for five goddamn minutes. But now, just as my nutz are finally unfurled in full, orders have come down from on high (cough Axl) that today MS will cover the unveiling of All Shall Perish’s new jam “Divine Illusion” (to play it you’ll be asked to “like” ASP on Facebook). It’s from their forthcoming fourth album which is slated for release in time for their big summer tour with Disturbed and Godsmack. So yep, pants back on everybody. Turn those smiles upside down and soften those bonerz! It’s serious metal time! I punch your head!

–ADF

All Shall Perish is on tour now with Katakylsm, Conducting From The Grave, and Abysmal Dawn. Dates here. Anso DF loves The Ocean, Chimaira, and ASP and sucks at trolling.

When  the line-up for this year’s Mayhem Fest was announced last week, we were told that more bands would eventually be announced. Not to sound like gloating pricks or anything, but we here at MetalSucks already knew that Trivium were gonna be on the bill, even if their involvement hadn’t been made public yet.

Well, now it’s public. Trivium are on the bill. They’ll be on the main stage along with Disturbed, Godsmack, Megadeth, Machine Head, and In Flames; the line-up is rounded out by second stage acts Unearth, Suicide Silence, Kingdom of Sorrow, All Shall Perish, Red Fang, and Straight Line Snooze.

When we saw the band at Mayhem in 2009, they were one of the dominant acts on the second stage; I will never forget wondering “Where the fuck is Paolo Gregoletto?” before realizing that he had jumped into the crowd and was playing amongst the thousands of rabid fans. And Trivium’s live show has increased in quality by 100% since they traded drummer Travis Smith for Nick Augusto last year. (Read Vince’s article on the matter here.) In other words: Trivium’s addition to the bill is a good thing.

Trivium are at Audiohammer Studios in Florida working on a new album with producer Colin Richardson even as I type this; I’ve heard that the goal is to get that record out in time for Mayhem. While we wait for more news of that release, here are Mayhem dates:

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I don’t think anybody ever really reads these little intros Vince or myself write every week, so I’m gonna dispense with one today, and if that makes you sad, uh, you’re weird.

Here’s how we got our pull this week:

• We debuted new music by Abysmal Dawn, Full Blown Chaos, and Årabrot.
• We spoke to Jeff Paulick from Lazarus A.D. and Ginger from The Wildhearts.
• We checked out new releases from Xasthur, haarp, and Hesper Payne.
• We watched a nerd’s video about seeing Sunn O))).
• We tried to understand why The Big Four are only doing one show in America.
• We debated the merits and demerits of this year’s Mayhem Fest line-up.
• We celebrated the way that metal makes everything better.
• We enjoyed some new All Shall Perish music (kinda).
• We prepared for Zakk Wylde to boldly go where no guitarist has gone before.
• We got even MORE excited for Meek is Murder’s Algorithms.

Next week we’re gonna, like, totally talk about metal n’ stuff. You should come back and read it, it will be fun.

-AR

The line-up for this year’s Mayhem Fest wasn’t s’posedta be announced ’til tomorrow, but Blabbermouth has posted it so I guess it’s go time. There are supposed to be more bands announced — I know of at least one group who are definitely doing this tour and aren’t on this list — but for now, here are the bands playing, and my thoughts on those bands (UPDATED with tour dates):

Click to read more…

Hey, remember a couple of weeks ago when Schmucky Erna from Godsuck called Scott Stapp from Suck* a “faggot,” and then called a guy who likes Stapp’s band a “faggot?” Well, he’s apologized. Sort of. But not really.

Here’s the first part of the apology:

“I would like to send my sincerest apologies to the members of Creed, Scott Stapp and any of our fans that I may have offended for an insulting and disrespectful comment I had made towards Scott Stapp and Creed at a show Godsmack recently played in Connecticut at Mohegan Sun. I have no excuses whatsoever.”

Okay, that’s not the best apology ever, but at least it’s on-topic. Maybe add a comment about you realize now that only children use slurs against homosexuals as an insult, and we can put all this nonsense behind us, right?

Except that’s not what Erna does in the next part of his apology. Instead, he shifts the blame back to Scott Stapp:

Click to read more…

Seriously, if you haven’t read Vince’s epic story about how MetalSucks Maniac “whiskey” won last week’s last week’s photo caption contest, you need to go read it now. It’s pretty amazing. Whiskey’s mom even left a comment! We like to think of MetalSucks as something the whole fucking family can enjoy together, so that warmed the cockles of our collective heart.

Here’s some other fun stuff that happened this week:

• We debuted a performance clip from the new Shadows Fall live DVD, the new Intronaut album, and a new Madball song. PHEW!
• We spoke to Jeremy Creamer from Daath, Johnny Plague from Winds of Plague, Adam Warren from Oceano, and Ashmedi from Melechesh. Oh, and Anso unveiled part one of his massive two-part interview with Atheist’s Kelly Shaefer.
• We checked out new releases by Salome, Madball, Woe, and Arson Anthem and Ender. And a DWARR reissue!
• Greg Weeks from The Red Chord said good-bye to Randy Moss and hello to men wearing pink tights, Sacha Dunable from Intronaut contemplated the legalization of recreational marijuana use in California, and Eyal Levi from Daath discovered DestinAsian.
• Sergeant D. celebrated the thirtieth anniversary of Pantera’s Cowboys from Hell. Wait, what?
• We couldn’t figure out why everyone was so surprised that ICP are evangelical Christians.
• We found out the hard way that Attack Attack!’s music could be even worse than it already is.
• We took a slow ride on Metallica’s Lightning.
• We laughed at one shit stain calling another shit stain “a shit stain.”
• And, oh yeah! Gary Suarez took over the site for a day.

Next week is CMJ here in New York! If you’re in the area and looking for some awesome metal, check out our handy guide to all the festivities — including not one but TWO showcases sponsored by MetalSucks. We’re not gonna lie — we are going to be very hungover and tired next week. But that just means we’ll be crankier than usual. We’ll still be here with lots of debuts, interviews, and other assorted nonsense. Bring your mom! It’ll be fun.

-AR

It feels wrong to root for someone at the Special Olympics; I mean, all the kids are trying so hard, so no matter who the victor is, everybody wins, y’know? And that kind of how I feel about Sully Erna going out of his way to insult Scott Stapp, and people who like Creed. I appreciate the effort, but I can’t take a side.

So. Blabbermouth, correctly assessing the intelligence and vocabulary skills of your average Godsmack and/or Creed fan, explains that Erna “used a derogatory term for a homosexual male to describe Creed singer Scott Stapp” during a concert at the Mohegan Sun in Connecticut this past weekend. (Actually, “faggot” might be that rare multi-syllabic word that Godsmack and Creed fans all know, but I appreciate Blabbermouth’s efforts to keep the playing field even.) Apparently, Erna wanted all the fans to mosh during the band’s final song, and I guess for some reason he decided referencing Creed was the best way to motivate the crowd, telling them that if they didn’t make a big enough ruckus, he would tell subsequent audiences who came to the tour “that Mohegan Sun had a bunch of fucking dead-ass pussies on the fucking floor and maybe you should be going to see a Creed show or some shit like that.” Then, spotting a fan who I guess likes Godsmack AND Creed (holy shit am I glad I’m not friends what that guy), Erna taunted him, “You’re flipping me off? What, you like Creed? You like Scott Stapp? He’s a faggot. Faggot.”

Click to read more…

I could say that Alice in Chains’ Unplugged album is my favorite Unplugged album, but that wouldn’t be saying much. Higher praise comes from a declaration just as truthful: It’s one my favorite, if not my absolute favorite, live albums of all time, and possibly the only example of a live album I actually listen to more frequently than the band’s studio catalog. That’s not a knock on AiC’s studio albums, which are obviously brilliant; but their Unplugged performance is painfully beautiful and haunting, and made even more so by the fact that it was the last time Staley performed before he passed away. An Alice in Chains fan can ask for no greater farewell.

And I’d wager that Sully Erna agrees with me. Every time I write about how badly Godsuck wanna be Alice in Chains, some smart-ass defender of awful music comes around and argues that Erna and company sound nothing like AiC, despite the fact that Erna’s moose rock vocals obviously owe a huge debt to Staley, and that “Godsmack” is the title of an AiC song, and that, oh yeah, Godsuck started out as an AiC cover band. So, clearly, my comparison is completely wrong-headed and unfounded.

In all fairness, the Erna solo track in the below video, “Sinner’s Prayer,” sounds nothing like Alice in Chains; instead it just sounds pretentious and self-important. (Are these idiots literally singing the phrase “mumbo jumbo?” This feels like the gang from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia trying to compete in an African folk song competition. Not helping is that there isn’t a single minority face on that stage.) But the set seems so clearly modled on the one AiC used for Unplugged that it’s hard for me to believe it’s just a coincidence — I mean, even the lighting scheme is the same. The only discernable difference is that Erna’s set has twinkly lights in addition to all the candles. If you told me that Erna was deliberately trying to duplicate some of the Alice Unplugged magic, I would not be at all surprised.

Erna’s solo album is called blah blah blah and is blah blah blah who cares.

And here’s some of Alice in Chains’ Unplugged to wash the bad taste out of your mouth:

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Yes, Godsuck are touring with The Band That Shall Not Be Named. Yes, this is happening because there is no such thing as God. Yes, this is terrible, terrible news. Luckily, I don’t have to actually attend this tour, and unless you fit the description of  the people on this list, neither will you.

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I’ve gotten out of the habit of reading industry pundit Bob Lefsetz lately. It’s not that I stopped liking the guy or disagreeing with his rants about the current and future state of the music industry; I guess I just got tired of reading about his ski trips, and his new music recommendations are so irrelevant that they threaten the integrity of his industry rants. Still, when it comes to major label / old music biz world shenanigans and calling them out, no one’s smarter or funnier than Lefsetz.

It was actually Lefsetz that inspired me to run my not-quite-weekly Soundscan Chart roundups, and since last week’s charts included some notable heavy hitters and I didn’t do a writeup I’d like to call in Mr. Lefsetz for his own analysis. Of course, in our world Godsmack and the Deftones are ginormous behemoths — two of the biggest bands we ever talk about on this site — but Bob points out that they’re pretty small potatoes all things considered (truth). Still, for someone that’s got little to no knowledge of metal, Bob displays a knowledgeable understanding of each band’s place in the world:

Godsmack “Oracle”

Sales this week: 117,481
Debut

[excerpt]

…I’ll guarantee you almost no one knows Godsmack.  Take a survey, in a country of three hundred million how many even recognize the name, never mind know the music.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Godsmack has a hard core fan base.  Which rushed out and bought this album this week. After they’ve all got it, then what?  Maybe there’ll be airplay and sustaining sales.  But I doubt they’ll be anywhere near enough to put “Oracle” at the top of the chart.

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After the 2009 edition of Rocklahoma – a.k.a. the Wacken of Hair Metal – turned out to be an epic fail,  it was announced that AEG live, “the world’s largest producer of music festivals,” had been put in charge of “revamping” the fest for the 2010 version – including helping with “talent booking.” At the time, I suggested that this might be code for “no more hair metal bands,” and as it turns out,  I was right. Here’s the line-up for this year’s fest, in nifty poster form (via Bring Back Glam):

Click to read more…

One of New Year’s resolutions, next to start exercising (actually doing that one) and get Sacha the Death Metal Puppy a trainer so he stops terrorizing the Mansion (don’t seem to be actually doing that one), was not to write about the new Godsuck album. For all of you who seem to enjoy making fun of Limp Bizkit and Korn as much as we do, there’s all a contingent of you who want us to spend more time writing about good bands and less time smack talkin’ the bad, so I thought I’d give that a shot; also, I don’t mind making sacrifices for you, our loyal readers, but I really can’t see myself laying on my death bed thinking “Man, I wish I’d heard the new Godsuck song in 2010 at least once.”

But now there’s this rumor that Godsuck’s new single, “Cryin’ Like a Bitch,” is actually about Nikki Sixx. So of course, I had to investigate.

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A reader known only as “Jonas” sent us the below video of 55 Escape, a Norwegian band whose biggest influences seem to be Korn and Linkin Park, not Enslaved and Immortal.

Here’s why I find this band kind of interesting. (And moving forward, please be aware that “interesting” and “good” are not the same word.) When you think about it for a second, nu-metal seems to be a predominantly American phenomenon. Off the top of my head, I’m having a hard time even naming a nu-metal band from any part of Europe, never mind Norway. Jeff Killed John were British, but they didn’t get famous ’til they swapped the nu for core and rechristened themselves Bullet for My Valentine. Am I forgetting a really, really obvious band? Korn, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Disturbed, Godsmack, Evanescence, Staind, Static-X, Creed, Hed P.E., Snot, P.O.D., Puddle of Mudd, Drowning Pool, Saliva, Coal Chamber, Methods of Mayhem, 40 Below Summer, Sevendust, Ill Nino, Dope, Papa Roach, Soil, The Union Undergound… ALL AMERICAN. What the hell? No wonder the terrorists hate us.

Anyway, thanks to these sperm clots for doing their part in making America look good. Hoo-rah.

-AR

Let’s say you’re Sully Erna. You’re the lead singer of a God awful band but you basically won the lottery, since there are enough ree-rees in the world to buy your music and make you a gajillionaire. How do you celebrate? Dineyland? Hookers n’ blow? How about you pull a Vince Neil?

So. Erna has reached a settlement with a 27 year old girl, Lindsay Taylor, and her parents, Elaine and Jeffrey, following a 2007 car accident that left Taylor with “a severe traumatic brain injury.” Erna, who left the accident unscathed, rammed the Taylor’s with his Hummer, and while he’s blaming the crash on another driver and – I shit you not – the design of the road, that hasn’t stopped him from agreeing to pay $3.3 million dollars, plus thousands of dollars a month in additional fees. Here’s the complete breakdown of what Erna will pay, according to The Eagle-Tribune:

Click to read more…