MetalSucks

Remember when I posted Enuff Z’Nuff’s awesomely terrible video for “Fly High Michelle” back in September? Well, in case you don’t or just need to re-live the glory, here’s the clip again:

Amazing, right? I mean “amazing” in the sense that “Holy poop I cannot believe anyone ever thought that this was an okay idea,” not in the “GOJIRA LIVE!!!” sense.

ANYWAY, I mention it because Bring Back Glam reports that fans – assuming this band still has any – can now “purchase a royalty earning share… of either ‘Baby Loves You’ [another Enuff Z'Nuff song] or ‘Fly High Michelle.’”

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I’ve never seen Rock of Ages, the “Broadway smash!” jukebox musical that incorporates (recycles) old hair metal and hair metal-friendly songs into what Variety tells me is the story of “two people who meet at the Sunset Strip club Rock of Ages, fall in love and try to stay together.” But I’m assuming it’s awful. I mean, on the one hand, if you’re gonna suffer through a Broadway musical, I understand the appeal of said musical at least featuring songs by Poison, Bon Jovi and Twisted Sister; but on the other hand, no I don’t.

ANYWAY, I mention all of this because Variety also tells me that Adam Shankman is going to be directing a feature film version of this show. Shankman presumably landed the job because he directed the movie of the musical of the movie Hairspray and the studio execs in charge needed 110% assurance that whomever they hired would do nothing original or creative whatsoever. He’s also directed such masterpieces as Bringing Down the House (Queen Latifah shows Steve Martin his inner brother), The Pacifier (Vin Diesel wears a tutu), and Cheaper by the Dozen 2.

Christ. They couldn’t even get the dickhead who directed the first Cheaper by the Dozen.

Rock of Ages has given the world one true gift, however – Bret Michaels getting whacked in the head at the Tony Awards:

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I’m usually anti-cover album – what’s the point, really? – but I have to admit that I’m more than a little curious to hear Children of Bodom’s Skeletons in the Closet… but mostly for non-metal or not-really-metal reasons. I mean, I’m sure that COB can pull off Slayer and Sepultura songs without breaking a sweat, but what’s it gonna sound like when Alexi and company do Creedence? Kenny Rogers? Pat Benatar? Their Brit-Brit cover (which will be on the new disc) sounded surprisingly Bodom-like, as though the Reigning White Trash Queen of Pop had never even existed. And can you think of another melodeathrash band more suited to do hair metal covers of Poison and W.A.S.P.?

So. Skeletons in the Closet comes out September 23 on Spinefarm. The band is now streaming two new re-makes, of Suicidal Tendencies’ “War Inside My Head” and Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell,” on their MySpace page. Throw back a few shots and play ‘em loud. That’s how COB would want it, motherfuckers.

-AR

The fine folks at the unfuckwithable Deciblog have published a list of the Top 10 Manliest Metal Album Covers of all time, and the results are extremely manly indeed. I was thrilled at the inclusion of Accept’s super-studly Balls to the Wall, and not one but two Manowar covers. My only suggestion would have been Poison’s uber-hetero Look What the Cat Dragged In, but I’m sure Decibel would rather shut its doors forever than proclaim anything by Poison manly in the slightest.

On Accept, those German stud-machines, who came in at #4:

Uh, this album cover has been poured over by many a metalhead. What does it mean? What are Accept trying to communicate here? Should I feel slightly uncomfortable when I gaze upon this man’s sweaty/hairy tensed-up leg? Why is he holding a ball? What type of ball is it? It looks hard. How do I know this? Well, the man’s veins are showing. Not his main vein (thank Thor in a g-string!), but the veins in his hand. All these years and we still haven’t reached a conclusion. And, yes, even now we’re slightly uncomfortable.

Touche.

-VN

…since apparently Perez Hilton is the Perez Hilton of metal. Check out his new t-shirts, which I saw this morning on Reign in Blonde. They’re the latest signs of the mainstream’s attempt to co-opt metal culture:

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-AR

Here’s Mr. Michaels, post-Tony Awards snafu:

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When everyone in the band is a total moron who can’t keep his directions straight, you could, say, forget your cue and then have to race your backdrop to the platform you’re supposed to be standing on, and you could lose that race, and you could get hit on the head at a big awards show while millions of people are watching (Okay, it’s probably more like thousands of people. It is just the Tonys, after all. But still. Pretty embarrassing.).

By the way, LOVED Blabbermouth’s headline on this one:

POISON Singer Gets Laid Out By Stage Backdrop At TONY AWARDS; Video Available

Classic.

-AR

Yes, the Tony Awards. Like the Oscars, only even gayer.

The band, whose song “Nothing but a Good Time” is featured in the Tony-nominated “Broadway smash” Rock of Ages, will perform said number alongside the cast of that show, according to Variety.

The show will be hosted by Doogie Howser Neil Patrick Harris, and other performers will include… Liza Minnelli.

In other news, Sebastian Bach is jealous.

-AR

Thanks to our bro-bros at Metal Injection for bringing to our attention that one of the greatest metal documentaries of all time, Penelope Spheeris’  The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years, is now available online, in its entirety, absolutely free (And FYI, in case ya didn’t know – Spheeris would go on to direct another classic of cinemetal, the original Wayne’s World.).

For some reason this 1988 classic – which includes amazing interviews with Ozzy Osbourne, Lemmy, Steven Tyler, Taime Down, Riki Rachtman, Bill Gazzarri, members of Poison, Kiss, and Armored Saint, and, most infamously, a very, very, very drunk Chris Holmes of W.A.S.P. – isn’t available on DVD, and I honestly don’t even know anyone who owns a VHS player anymore. So if for some reason you’ve never seen this film, you MUST watch it now – especially since I’m fairly certain that this is not a legal rip. Watch it now before the lawyers take it down.

-AR

Thanks to Decibel for their tweet alert that today is the 47th birthday (!) of “Brooklyn homeboy” C.C. DeVille (né Bruce Anthony Cecil Johannesson). Love him or hate him, there’s no denying that C.C. is one of the most entertaining cartoon characters ever to escape from Cool World.

Here’s some ridiculous video that tries to make it seem like C.C. is Jimi fucking Hendrix or some shit.

-AR

Well, not exactly, but he does take a shot at Michaels and Michaels’ blatant baldness in his new video for “We Made You.” I don’t think the song is any good, but I’m always appreciative of a good Bret Michaels joke.

-AR

[via Bring Back Glam]

Just because it makes me giggle.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

It was over a year ago that we first got the news that Bret Michaels was writing his autobiography (and by “writing,” I mean dictating to some dude named Shane Stanley who had to do all the actual work); the book, Roses & Thorns (nice title, schmucky), will now finally a get a release on June 23, according to People.com.

Granted, this will not be a good book. The chances that it’s as decent as The Dirt are pretty slim; hell, the chances that it’s as good as Slash are pretty thin (and even Slash was only okay). But, there is a lot of room for comedy here, especially if Michaels takes himself too seriously which, chances are, he will.

Here are things I’m looking forward to reading about in this tome:

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Long time readers of this site should be fully aware that I was addicted to the initial season of Rock of Love, VH1’s completely fucktarded reality show in which Poison singer/wig wearer Bret Michaels basically moved into a mansion with a large amount of not especially attractive (or smart or personable or nice or any other quality one generally looks for in other human beings) sluts and makes them all do ridiculous things to determine which one is his one true love (And by “one true love,” I mean… I don’t know what I mean. It seems like Michaels fucks all the girls anyway, so what’s the fucking point?).

But I basically lost interest two episodes into season two. Like pretty much every reality show I’ve ever tried to watch (which, admittedly, is only three – hello Project Greenlight and The Apprentice), the gimmick go old quickly. Maybe watching a different washed up hair metal star make some groupies of Gumpian intellect jump through hoops for the chance to suck his cock would have kept me interested; as it stood, I’d had enough.

I’m not sure which season Rock of Love is on now – I think it might be the third, and I think it’s on a bus now, or some shit – but it looks like Deicide mainman/generally all around scary dude Glen Benton caught a few episodes, and, it should surprise no one to learn, he was not amused.

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Does anyone remember Blues Saraceno? He was part of that whole early-90s Joe Satriani/Steve Vai-wannabe boom (See: everyone who has ever been signed to Shrapnel Records, ever.). He released some instrumental solo albums on Guitar Player Records – yes, Guitar Player magazine had a label – and then joined Poison as a second replacement for C.C. DeVille. But the album he made with the Grand Slam Kings of Glam, Crack a Smile, didn’t even get an official release until after he’d already been kicked out of the band. And then he seemed to pretty drop off the face of the planet.

Anyways, watching this incredibly high budget for Saraceno’s “Rabbit Soup,” I was reminded how much the dude looked like a certain “elevator jazz”* musician. His tone is kinda cool but gets real old real fast. As for the rest of his playing, well…

-AR

*John Scofield’s words, not mine.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, some days I do have to stop and ask the big question – “Where the fucking fuck is my fucking life going?” And often, the answer would seem to “nowhere.”

Then I remember that Vince and I started this totally rad website and all is right with the world.

ANYWAY, running with the theme of “Where is my life going?”, here’s five cock rock videos that address that very issue in some way or another. Why cock rock and not death metal or grindcore or whatever, you ask? Fairly simple: none cock rock bands rarely seem to waste their time dealing with such clichéd bullshit.

My picks after the jump.

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I’ve lost track of how many of these blogs I’ve done so far. I used to number them but now I don’t know what number I’m up to. Speaking on the phone with Vince, we both realized I’d been doing this blog for over six months and it blew my mind.

Where does the time go?

I let the cat out of the bag when I mentioned we were covering a MUSE song. I’m not sure if I should have told everyone but I don’t think that information needed to have a chastity belt on it. Just to clarify though, the cover is NOT going on the album. We just recorded the song for some extra diddies and maybe some extra sack action! Women love angelic voices and skinny dudes with pale skin. We’re the exact opposite of that but maybe sack action can be in our future because of that song! I’m sure MUSE will hear our cover and say in an English accent, “Ian, these niggas have ruined a fucking classic…”

Ok, enough heehawing. On to the real news! I was blown away by the Poison vs. Def Leppard debacle. I mean come the fuck on. What the hell is our world coming to? Remember East Coast vs. West Coast rap? Motherfuckers were getting shot. Back then it was who was the hardest most stone cold motherfuckers out there. With Poison and Def Leppard this shit reminds me of one of those Ben Stiller movies like Zoolander or Tropic Thunder. What are they fighting about? Who sucks worse? What over-40 chick wants you more?

Click to read more…

Just when you thought he couldn’t possibly get anymore annoying, Bruce Anthony Johannesson, better known to the world as Guitar World’s “Worst Guitarist of All Time” C.C. DeVille, has apparently found Jesus. For an on-again/off-again coke head/junkie who a friend of mine once witnessed asking a girl “I know you… did I fuck you?”, that’s pretty phenomenal. Still, that’s the great thing about Judeo-Christian religions: it’s never too late to repent.

Gotta wonder what this means for the future of Poison, though. Will God take kindly to a man who makes his living playing songs like “Talk Dirty to Me,” and “Look What the Cat Dragged In” (which actually features the lyrics “Livin’ my life sin after sin“)?

While you ponder that, here’s the video for Poison’s “Unskinny Bop.” As you can tell just from watching the prologue, C.C. was religious when they made this clip, too – it’s just that back then, he was a Mormon.

-AR

Fresh from being exonerated of charges that he raped a woman in Mississippi, Poison drummer Rikki Rocket (ne Richard Allan Ream) has decided to throw a party in celebration of his innocence. The Superficial reports that the event will benefit the non-profit group Centurion Ministries which helps vindicate people charged with crimes they didn’t commit. Kind of like that time Axl didn’t slip a mickey into Fred Durst’s drink. Yeah, that’s the ticket…

-VN

[thanks: MetalGF]