“Scheduling has been a nightmare for a long time,” says guitarist Rob Caggiano about Temple Of The Black Moon. That seems like hyperbole, but gosh maybe not: TotBM drummer John Tempesta has been dashing between The Cult and Testament tours; singer Dani Filth’s full time job is Cradle Of Filth; Caggiano is bound to Anthrax’s rigorous itinerary, and his TotBM writing partner, Tom Cato Visnes, has been involved with Sahg, I, Gorgoroth, and Ov Hell outings in just the last five years.

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Two weeks I wrote about how Ratt’s “Dance” is an excellent stripping song, and jested about trying it out myself. Jokes aside, I’ve always been fascinated by strip clubs and strippers and the whole shebang. It’s just so weird to me. The way it all functions and how lucrative it really is. When I was in college, we affectionately called the street right next to us “Stripper Alley” because of the cluster of clubs situated two steps from the dorms. You’d be hard-pressed to find worse houses of “burlesque” in the country.

Unfortunately, any fantasies or visions of naked grandeur were put to rest when I attended one innocent evening and an enthusiastic and obviously pregnant girl started raving about how much she loved my name. ‘Cause my real name was her stage name. Thanks, mom and dad.

It’s hard to deny that there’s some connection between metal, especially hair metal, and stripping. They go hand in hand like… syphilis and crazy. But I really don’t like the “stripping songs” that everyone always seems to go with. “Pour Some Sugar On Me”… like, really? There are so many underrated bands from that era and even more underrated songs. Some just had bad timing and some were plain ignored. But it got me thinking.

So here are the top underrated bands (note: “underrated” does not necessarily mean “unpopular”) of the 80s and early 90s, along with their corresponding strip songs. Now, these aren’t my choices, mind you — I just think they’d get the job done. I really hope no family members are reading this but if they are: HEY YOU GAVE ME A STRIPPER NAME, THIS WAS INEVITABLE.

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Say, are you one of the three people in the world who not only thought that metal needed another supergroup, but also thought that metal needed another supergroup featuring Anthrax/The Damned Things guitarist Rob Caggiano? If so, have we got a band for you!

They’re called Temple of the Black Moon, and in addition to Caggiano, the group features Cradle of Filth vocalist Dani Filth, former Gorgoroth bassist King ov Hell, and drummer John Tempesta, who has played a gajillion different bands, including both White Zombie and Rob Zombie’s solo group, Exodus, Testament, The Cult, and Helmet. It seems safe to assume that Caggiano played a significant role in putting this project together — not only did he produce two Cradle of Filth releases (2004′s Nymphetamine and 2006′s Thornography), but Tempesta has also worked as a drum tech for ‘Thrax — but between the two bands he’s already in and the producing he does, I can’t believe he felt like he had too much free time. Maybe Worship Music is seriously never coming out.

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In a wise move, VH1′s fossil-rock chat program That Metal Show has expanded to sixty minutes for its sixth season. As a result, there’s a huge improvement to the ratio of guest interview content to idiot host blathering. Too much of the half-hour TMS format depended on rushed segments which pitted one host’s poorly-explained preferences against another’s; now, even a seemingly negligible amount of additional interviews/gabbing gives TMS an actual shot at resonant entertainment. Impossible before now were particularly inspired production moves like the booking of Tesla’s Jeff Keith (so smiley!) and Frank Hannon on the same episode as Testament’s Chuck Billy (above). If VH1 brass has any brains, they’ll holiday bonus the shit outta whomever was responsible for pairing these superficially different but geographically and alphabetically neighborly acts. It’s TV gold! Watch here and you’ll see that the two camps endorse the same sports team, play the same clubs, and share members (!). Best of all, Billy expounds on the fun CD-shopping quirk that sorta cosmically partners similarly-named bands, i.e. you have to go through the Tesla section to reach Testament. (And through The Cult to get to Curve, and, by design, through Megadeth to Metallica.) This stuff might seem like filler or minutiae, but priceless spontaneity and shared giggle sessions are the key to entertaining talk programming. Now all they have to do is replace host/Howard Stern wannabe Jim Florentine with an at-large correspondent who focuses weekly remotes on, oh, bands formed after 1983 maybe? I know just the dude!

-ADF

That Metal Show premieres new episodes Saturdays on VH1 Classic. View full episodes here.

So E! is apparently doing a new reality show, called Married to Rock, which, in case the title doesn’t make it obvious, is about the wives of some famous rock stars. Here’s a rundown of the women who are going to be on this show (some barely safe for work pics after the jump… you’ve been warned, you horn dogs):

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The Cult is amazing, but singer Ian Astbury is confusing. He publicly wipes his ass with Dave Grohl’s name and generally decries modern disposable pop. It’s like he’s too aware of rock’s legendary personalities and their creative, conceptual, and technological leaps in the art form. So he gets a bit holier-than-thou these days, even when guesting on lame vanity records (Slash) and lame hipster records (Bore-us). Whatever. But what possible reason could he have for dramatically changing the way we enjoy The Cult? Oh, I see. Poor sales.

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You ought to know the name Ian Astbury. I shouldn’t have to explain that he’s the frontman for The Cult, but perhaps I must for those of you who think that Avenged Sevenfold are the be-all end-all of hard rock. The Cult–not to be confused with Blue Oyster Cult–have been kicking ass for decades (with a couple hiatuses here and there), producing undisputed rock classics like “She Sells Sanctuary”, “Wild Flower” and “Rain” to name a few. Their 1999 album Beyond Good And Evil is a hugely underrated gem, dark and hard and infectious. (On-again-off-again member Matt Sorum played on the damn thing too!)

And while lineup changes have occurred throughout the years, Astbury’s incredible voice has arguably been the band’s central focus–and for good reason. So recent news that he’s collaborating with Japanese rock auteurs Boris is beyond exciting. Their new project, simply named BXI, have recorded a four-song EP which will come out in September in CD, vinyl, and digital formats on Southern Lord. Fortunately, we don’t have to wait to hear what this will sound like, as Astbury made an unannounced onstage appearance with Boris at the Sydney Opera House in late May. Video footage has made its way online and in the clip above you can check out a medley that combines original track “Magickal Child” with The Doors’ “The End”. It’s creepy and psychedelic and fucking boss.

I’ve heard no indication that Astbury will join Boris for any of their upcoming U.S. tour dates, but that’s no reason not to attend. Those dates–featuring Russian Circles and/or Red Sparrowes–are below.

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Ever seen Woody Allen’s Zelig? It’s a pseudo-documentary about a guy who immediately assumes the traits of whomever he’s with at the moment; put him in a room full of Chinese people and he’ll turn into a Chinese man, move him to a room full of Hasidim and he’ll suddenly appear to be Hasidic, and so on and so forth. It’s a(n obvious but still pretty funny) metaphor for a guy with no personality of his own.

Now, consider Slash. Guns N’ Roses folklore tells us that Slash is not the best judge of his own material, and often wanted to scrap some of Guns’ best songs; and, unfortunately, evidence suggests that this folklore is fact, and that Slash is a pretty ho-hum songwriter. Axl Rose has his legitimate insanity and over-sized, not entirely comprehensible artistic vision, but all Slash really seems to have is a desire to be like his heroes in Aerosmith and AC/DC, which is to say, a legacy act and purveyor of catchy but fairly middle-of-the-road rock. Consequently, a lot of the pressure on Slash-penned songs in the post-GN’R era is not just on the guitar playing of the Artist Formerly Known as Saul Hudson, but on the performances of whatever singer he’s working with at any given moment. Slash songs can be like underwritten roles in movies that way; you need the best character actors available to give them some personality, or they risk becoming boring.

Slash has personality (or at least persona) to burn, and it’s no shock that on Slash, his first solo record, he keeps up his up his end of the bargain in the guitar solo department. Despite the fact that he was never a revolutionary musician, Slash was always a very distinctive musician; a lot of people play the way he does, but no one sounds quite like him. But it is kind of a shock that on this, the album which is supposed to be a distinct and unique artistic statement outside the confines of his collaborations with various bands, Slash has very much allowed himself, like Zelig, to blend in with whomever was in the room at the moment.

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There are now six songs* available online from Slash’s Slash, his forthcoming sort-of-but-not-really solo debut (as though Slash’s Snakepit wasn’t a solo band) that I care far too much about. If you include bonus tracks, that’s actually more than a full third of the album; if you don’t include bonus track, it’s (obviously) even more.

So I now feel pretty confident in saying this album won’t be horrible, even if it’s obviously never going to live up to GN’R, and features appearances by Kid Rock, Fergie, and the girl from Maroon 5.

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So the Australian branch of iTunes has apparently uploaded thirty-second clips of all the songs from Slash’s forthcoming, self-titled solo album, and, of course, someone has uploaded all of those clips to YouTube. Gotta love the internet! So I thought we’d play one of our favorite games here at MetalSucks. It’s called “Let’s make premature judgments based on not very much actual music at all.” Listen to the clips in the video below, and then get my thoughts after the jump.

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Brian Posehn is easily one of the funniest stand-up comedians alive. I have never missed a chance to go see him live, and he has – quite literally – made me fall out of my chair from laughing so hard. Add to that the fact that the dude loves metal, and, well, he’s just so damn sexy I can’t handle it.

Posehn is the only comedian I’m aware of currently signed to Relapse Records. He’s that fucking metal. And he’s going to release another album through that label, entitled Fart and Wiener Jokes, on April 27. That too-small image above is the cover art, which is absolutely fucking EPIC.

Needless to say, I am insanely excited about this album, which, in addition to some sure-to-be uproarious comedy, is going to feature two songs – “More Metal Than You” (!!!) and a cover of Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler” (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) – which will feature guest spots by Posehn’s buddy Scott Ian, Jamey Jasta, Mark Morton, John Tempesta, Russ Parrish, and, according to a press release, “more.”

So clearly, this is gonna own all our asses in April. You can pre-order the album in a variety of nifty packages here.

And I think I’ve posted this before, but it never gets old so fuck it:

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Tomorrow we may or may or not put a woman in the White House for the first time, but here at MetalSucks, we’ve had our own breakthrough moment in the fight for women’s lib: for the first time ever, all five of the winners for last week’s contest are female. Their names are Elizabeth Berthelot, Miranda Baker, Stacey Watrobski, Vanessa Bond and Samantha LaRocque, and from this moment forth, let history know them as “The Slipknot Five.” They are women, hear them roar. And since I’ve never had a girlfriend who was actually into metal, I’m hoping at least one them e-mails me with a marriage proposal. Fingers crossed.

And, oh yeah, the correct answer for last week’s logo was Fleshrot. Not Fleshbot and certainly not Slipknot, as many of you guessed. Suckas.

This week the fine ladies and men who work with fine ladies at Roadrunner Records have donated a vinyl single of The Cult’s “Dirty Little Rockstar” to give away. It’s The Cult! It’s vinyl! What else could you want?

All you have to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail with your answer, your name and address at axl [at] metalsucks.net. We’ll randomly select a winner from everyone who gets it right, and announce his or her name next week.

Because this week’s prize is so super-duper special, I’ve selected an incredibly hard logo for this week. Here’s a hint: it’s not Slipknot.

-AR

If you’re not familiar with Continuum’s 33 1/3 book series, you should be. Each entry is written by a different music critic and/or journalist, and each one is devoted to the study of a single, seminal album. There’s a wide range of types of music covered by the series – everything from the Beastie Boys to The Velvet Underground – but metal hass, up ’til now, been criminally unrepresented. There are entries for albums by Guns N’ Roses and Nine Inch Nails, but those aren’t metal bands in the strictest sense and, obviously, both groups have been wholly accepted by the mainstream; there was a book covering Sabbath’s Master of Reality recently, but, weird though it may be, at this point Sabbath are pretty much as accepted and unrebellious a metal band as we’re likely to get.

So D.X. Ferris’ recently release tome on Slayer’s Reign in Blood is the series’ first honest to God (or honest to Satan?) book covering a metal album. And it’s an AWESOME read – fascinating, intelligent, informative and insightful, you’re likely to blow through it record time, and then feel depressed as you realize you’ve reached the last page. Ferris not only takes a critical look at the album, making astute observations and pointing out little musical nooks and crannies you might have never noticed even after your gazillionth spin of the classic record, but he also managed to interview everyone and anyone who was involved with the album – from the band members themselves to producer Rick Rubin to engineer Andy Wallace to cover artist Larry Carroll and a few hundred other people I’m forgetting about – as well as loads and loads of musicians and artists who are fans of the album (Henry Rollins, Tori Amos, Gary Holt, and Paul Romano among them).

After I wrote this blog about Slayer and their continuing relevance in the metal world back in June, Ferris actually e-mailed me basically just to say “thanks” for the shout-out to his book. I asked him if I could shoot him some interview questions, and luckily for us, he agreed. After the jump, read what Ferris had to say about the process of putting the book together, things he learned about both Slayer and Reign in Blood while working on the book, and the state of Slayer today.

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Most of the big debuts in hard rock and metal came last week with the Foo Fighters, Dethklok, Down and Arch Enemy — but all of these held respectable positions, while Nightwish and The Cult made Top 100 debuts. Chart positions and sales numbers after the jump.

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