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OUR 10,000TH POST!!!

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To the MetalSucks Maniac known as “Sacajewea,” we would like to say the following: YOU ARE A FUCKING RETARD. It’s incredible how retarded you are, you stupid fucking idiot mongoloid half-wit retard.

We send this message because in October of ’09, Sacajewea left a comment on the very first post we ever wrote, saying he was “Just here to dig up the past;” then he left another comment, just this past June, which read:

“I did it twice. Fuck I’m retarded. If anyone sees this please find me in a recent post and tell me how retarded I am.”

On December 26, 2006 — a date that will live in infamy — we did what professionals call a “soft launch” but we just call “the day we first posted on this blog.” Our slogan was “Smart About Metal,” a play on the slogan for Film Comment magazine.

old header

We had these two stupid South Park caricatures that Axl made at his then-job when he was bored. (Axl forgot until just now that he had a really long goatee in ’06; Vince still had phantom Jew ‘fro, where some days he can feel it, man!) We only posted once or twice a day, throughout the week, pretty much when we had time/interest. We didn’t use tags. We often didn’t post graphics or videos. Our headlines weren’t capitalized. We interviewed members of Stuck Mojo and Twisted Sister, because that’s who we could get interviews with. Believe it or not, we tried to get an interview with God Forbid… and we failed.

Basically, we had no fucking idea what we were doing.

We can’t believe that this is our 10,000th post. We can’t believe we’re still doing this almost four years after we started. We can’t believe that so many of you are reading it. Seriously: WE WERE ONLY FUCKING KIDDING.

So…

Thanks to Kip (who has been here longer than anyone besides Vince and Axl!), Sammy, Gary, Anso, Satan (the MetalSucks contributor and the deity), Sergeant D., Bob, Leyla, Corey, Urbandale, Dave, Matt, Ferris, Dallas, Eyal, Sacha, Paul, Bulb, Arthur, Anton OyVey, Rich Hallford, David Bee Roth, Van Arseface, Mike Pattongill, Angela Gossowski, Joey V., and everyone else who has ever written for us… MetalSucks would not be where it is if not for all of you.

Thanks to everyone in the music industry who has helped us over the years, even as they must have been secretly hoping we would van flip.

And of course, thanks to all the MetalSucks Maniacs, Suckalos, annoying people who can’t use the “search” function, and dudes that have sent us death threats. We can’t tell you how grateful we are that you read our site. Thank you thank you thank you.

Now, with a complete lack of humility, Axl and Vince present their ten favorite MetalSucks posts of all time. Enjoy.

10) THE ORIGINAL “…AND FUCK YOU, TOO.”

Author: Axl Rosenberg
Published February 2, 2007

This post has absolutely nothing to do with metal, but it is an example of Axl at his most vitriolic. When asked recently what it was that made him so very angry that day, Axl replied, “I don’t really remember, but I think the chick in the cubicle next to mine was playing Linkin Park or something.”

Sample:

“If you’re on your cell phone on the street, guess what? I don’t need your whole fucking conversation. If you’re in a restaurant, guess what? No one at any table besides your own should be able to hear your conversation. I know you’re hard up for a little attention, but Jesus Fucking Christ, I don’t give a fuck about your boss or your kids or you latest visit to the vagina doctor. If someone held a gun to your head and a pile of my own shit and asked me to choose, I’d save my pile of shit. It smells better than you, too. Fuck you.”

9) “IF I READ ONE MORE THING ABOUT THE ARCADE FIRE I AM GOING TO PUKE”

Author: Vince Neilstein
Published March 6, 2007

Vince railed against the hipster band of the moment, and the group’s fans retaliated by leaving intelligent counter-arguments in our comments section — for example, one Arcade Fire supporter called Vince a “faggot,” another called Vince an “asshole,” still another called Vince “a fucking idiot.” Vince, not one to take such insults to his honor lightly, proceeded to write three more posts (1, 2, 3) on the topic throughout the week. And then Axl shared his own thoughts… in haiku form.

Sample:

“I have an idea. I’m going to start a band with 10 members. I’m going to be anti-industry by setting up a recording studio in an unconventional location (even though this is completely unoriginal and tons of bands on major labels have already done this). I’ll record with such instruments as a dobro, hurdy-gurdy, glockenspiel, accordion, and giant Asian cymbals so people will perceive me as experimental. Then I’ll make an intentionally lo-fi sub-par sounding recording with the band and I’ll sing out of key in the whiniest, most contrived Whiny McWhine voice I can possibly muster. Maybe then I’ll be as cool as The Arcade Fire.”

8) “FRED DURST: STILL A MORON”

Author: Axl Rosenberg
Published April 13, 2007

This was the first time that Axl would dissect the always-articulate and thoughtful rhetoric of his favorite front man of all time, Fred Durst. It would not be the last. Durst’s comments are in bold:

Sample:

“without limp bizkit i would have never gotten here. We know, that’s why we hate the fucking band. without wes i wouldn’t know what it is like to work with the best. Because after Wes left you actually got to jam with Eddie Van Halen once. without john i wouldn’t know how to protect my family. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but what a lame compliment two seconds after you called Wes fucking Borland “the best.” without sam i wouldn’t have ever learned to trust anyone. Christ, were you and Sam fucking? Isn’t this the plot of some fucking Hugh fucking Grant movie? without lethal i would have never been house of pain You were House of Pain? Are you on acid? What the fuck?”

7) “SUNDAY SPOTLIGHT: MESHUGGAH”

Author: Kip Wingerschmidt
Published… we’re not actually sure due to technical difficulties, but this must have been circa fall 2007.

We haven’t done a Sunday Spotlight since February of 2009, mostly because they take a lot of work and we’re too fucking lazy. But Kip founded the series with this incredibly in-depth examination of Meshuggah’s discography up-’til-that point (pre-Obzen, that is).

Sample:

“After you trudge through the initial intestinal ruptures of the overwhelming and honestly off-putting heaviness of this band, you’ll find that it’s totally worth it, especially for the musicians out there who think that they know it all. Meshuggah are undoubtedly the masters of a very specific type of metal (dare I call it experimental proto-prog? I think I just did!), a sound that they themselves created, and the band is SO – FUCKING – GOOD that they are in a class of their own. Much like Opeth (but for completely different reasons), these guys are superheroes.

“Did I mention they’re also Swedish, and they usually play 7 and/or 8-string guitars? Holy moly!”

6) DALLAS COYLE’S ORIGINAL “THE HARD R”

Author: Dallas Coyle… duh.
Published February 21, 2008

At the end of 2007 we finally scored that God Forbid interview, with guitarist Doc Coyle; as we understand it, Dallas read it, poked around MetalSucks, decided he liked the site, and called Vince. “I just got off the phone with Dallas Coyle!” Vince told Axl. “Why does that name sound so famili-” Axl started, before face-palming as he realized what a HOLY SHIT moment this was for MetalSucks. What the co-editors never could have anticipated, of course, was how honest and provocative Dallas’ columns were going to be. He wrote plenty of great editions of “The Hard R” after this inaugural one, but this initial entry set the tone not only for Dallas’ future MS writings, but, really, for all guest MS columns in general.

Sample:

“Hillary Clinton is a nigger. Let’s go to my Mac dictionary. It says the word ‘nigger’ is a contemptuous term for a black or dark skinned person. I disagree. It does mean that to some people. Steve Jobs particularly. But history is pop culture. My Merriam-Webster dictionary doesn’t even include the word ‘nigger.’ Why? Politically correct? Merriam-Webster is gay. Put it in there, Merriam. Have some balls. It does include the word ‘niggard.’According to Merriam-Webster ‘niggard’ means a stingy person. So maybe we can call Hillary Clinton a niggard. Because she is stingy. She wants the presidency herself. No matter the cost. Rules? What are those, Bill? Entitlement is a stingy characteristic.”

5) “REVOLVER GOLDEN GODS: MUSTAINE’S REVENGE”

Author: Anso DF
Published April 15, 2009

In the old days — a little more than a year ago — Anso had his own blog, Hipsters Out of Metal!, which has since been folded into MetalSucks as a column where we let him write pretty much whatever the fuck he wants, because we think he’s hilarious. But back then, we had to lure him to MetalSucks to cover Revolver’s first Golden Gods Awards. His reward was an incredible amount of hate mail. We’re still not sure what the hell everyone was so pissed about; this article makes us laugh out loud every time we revisit it.

Sample:

“Hatebreed loves the black carpet. They even brought their bro, For The Lions, to pose in the pictures with them. He’s their new covers CD and you should totally get a For The Lions of your own when it comes out May 5. What’s the date again? Why it’s May 5, or cinco de mayo as the guys in Hatebreed like to say. Don’t worry, they’re happy to remind you 70 or 80 times later on during their live mini-set. Judging from Jasta’s body language, their third song details the ways in which each member of the audience is a huge pussy. Earlier in the show, Jasta presents the award for Most Metal Energy Drink (or something) and totally shouts out Suicidal Tendencies and Black Flag, which is cool. Until I realize he’s just plugging the covers album again. You’re good, Jasta. I see why they hired you.”

4) “OCEANO PROVE THAT DEATHCORE HAS DEPTHS

Author: Gary Suarez
Published October 12, 2009

Does Gary Suarez seriously like Oceano, or was he being ironic when he wrote this five outta five horn review? Was he really fired after getting into a physical altercation with Axl during an editorial meeting? Does MetalSucks seriously have editorial meetings?!? We’ll never tell…

Sample:

“While heavy metal has previously been appropriated–and, arguably, misappropriated–by artistic outsiders with agendas and ideologies, alongside nostalgic or even fetishistic sentiments, deathcore is a rare internal and naturally occurring movement that adopts the typically academic precepts of noise music inadvertently and almost entirely by chance. Indeed, as a subgenre, it is intolerable to most self-described heavy metal fans. It is safe to posit, given the lineup’s youth (at least one member is apparently still below the legal drinking age), that Oceano (and their deathcore ilk) are wholly unaware of and uninitiated in the legacy of noise that came before them, beginning with the Futurists and Dadaists of the early 20th century, continuing with the Fluxus artists of the 1960s and the avant-jazz musicians of the 1970s, and ultimately exploding worldwide in the latter fifth of the 1900s with performers like Merzbow and Lustmord paving the way for today’s stars like Christian Fennesz and Stephen O’Malley. It is a testament to Oceano that a manifestation of their talent for noise emerges even as they genuinely attempted to write an album’s worth of listenable heavy metal songs.”


3) THE ENTIRE “21 BEST METAL ALBUMS OF THE 21ST CENTURY… SO FAR” LIST

Authors: Axl Rosenberg,  Vince Neilstein, Anso DF, Gary Suarez, Sammy O’Hagar, Satan Rosenbloom, Anton OyVey, David Bee Roth, D.X. Ferris, Ian Christe, Nick Green, Rob Pasbani, Bram Teitelman, Amy Sciarretto, Carlos Ramirez, Christopher Weingarten, Ben Apatoff, Freddy Cai
Published June 8, 2009 – July 14, 2009

Everyone was disappointed with the results of this list, created via a poll of 57 musicians, managers, label reps, publicists, and writers from within the world of metal… including us. But guess what? We still fucking love it. This is, to this day, probably the most ambitious project we’ve undertaken, and we were, are, and always will be amazed that we were able to get so many awesome people to participate. Remember: We started this blog as a fun hobby, with no connections whatsoever to the metal industry. So the moment guys like Ian Christe and Nick Green started agreeing to write for us, and members of bands like Lamb of God, Chimaira, God Forbid (well we already knew them at this point but still!), Shadows Fall, Rwake, Bison B.C., Dysrhythmia, Thy Will Be Done, Abysmal Dawn, Sylosis, August Burns Red, The Autumn Offering, and, uh, Pyschostick started turning in ballots… well, our minds were blown.

Sample:

“I am going to find you and cut off your fucking head and mount it on my fucking wall.” – Typical E-mail from a Reader Regarding the List

2) DEVIN TOWNSEND SUCKS

Author: DEVIN FUCKING TOWNSEND
Published November 17, 2009

So basically some nice folks from Team Townsend contacted us and were like, “Devin has a new album coming out in November, how would you feel about him taking over the site for the entire day of release?” And then we splooged so hard, a nut came out. And then Devin actually DID what he said he was gonna do and wrote a whopping fourteen posts that covered topics from his musicians to hair to nerdery to anger to the demise of SYL to YouTube to all sorts of other shit. And then we splooged so hard that the other nut came flying out. It’s entirely possible we’ve never been this happy before, and will never be this happy again.

Sample:

“Just a question, not meaning to be a presumptuous dick or anything, but seriously… as metal heads, who are we pissed at? I hear a lot about “God” or “Satan,” but I’m kind of of the mindset that both of those things are illusions and metaphors based on a prehistoric view on what the true nature of infinite reality is. So does that mean we’re mad at ourselves ultimately?

“Maybe we’re all mad at our dads?

“Money? Sex? Each other? “The man?” That man over there? Me? Her? Stupid people? Drugs? Our own stupidity? Aardvarks?”

1) AXL ROSE SENDS METALSUCKS A CEASE AND DESIST

Actually, this wasn’t a post. But it really happened to us, in the spring of 2007. Legally, we’re not allowed to discuss the specifics, but, yes, we did have the letter from Axl’s attorney framed, and it is hanging proudly on the wall of the MetalSucks Mansion now. Axl, if by some chance you’re reading this, please know that you made our life.

-Axl & Vince

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