Hipsters Out Of Metal!

ANALYSIS: SLIPKNOT IF YOU CAN HELP IT

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Slipknot is annoying as all fuck, and worse, the Iowan nonet makes me look like a shitty prognosticator. Or at least a victory-drunk prognosticator, ‘cuz after correctly predicting in 1999 that Slipknot’s debut would net Roadrunner a first platinum sales award, I then guessed that the band would bring extreme metal to mainstream media. Which hasn’t happened, unless you grant a technical allowance for a metal band whose intrusions into radio and TV are, by extreme standards, too pussy even for my little cousins. I blame Corey Taylor, who has vaulted sanity and perspective straight into Anselmoian delusion.

There’s a book to be written about Slipknot’s unfulfilled musical potential, but yeah, back to Taylor and his raging case of lead singer’s disease (LSD). As explained in gory detail by MS co-reigning stud Axl Rosenberg (here and here), the singer and the wee widdle drummer with whom he shares a stage are now publicly contradicting each other with regards to Slipknot’s post-Paul future. Skinsman Joey Jordison says new shit is in progress; Taylor says he’s had no part or say in new shit. Our Axl, in kind, supplies a handful of polite theories to explain the discrepancy, from innocent miscommunication to shit-ish dicktalking (oops flip those) to calculated publicity stokage. Right on.

But let’s not discount the possibility that Jordison’s words are meant to serve another purpose: to spur Taylor to action. No communication gap, no misinformation. Let’s posit: Taylor, for whatever reason, is not engaged in, ahem, maggot affairs (Wants to end Slipknot? Wants to wring all possible sap from the Paul Gray tragedy? Wants to embark on a Steven Tyler-esque solo branding campaign?), and Jordison’s camp is stating plainly that expectations dictate new Slipknot music and soon. It’s odd that this talk is all out in the open, but is it so implausible that Taylor is “too busy” or, fine, not emotionally ready to convene on Slipknot business? If so, an incommunicado Taylor would justify Jordison’s issuing orders via the media.

And what about the timing? If Taylor, author of this year’s dumbest holiday single, is launching a feet-dragging mission for whatever reason (see above), then the other seven surviving Slipknot dudes could be looking at a 2-4 year hiatus and its accompanying mood/revenue implications. Not to mention the nagging worry that an already iffy Slipknot return would be majorly hindered by such a wait. I mean, they already are forced to write around Gray’s sizable absence; to them, now is probably not the time for Taylor vanity projects and guest spots on CSI or whatever. Thusly, now that the dust has settled on the Gray situation, Jordison is moving decisively and quickly to exert pressure on Taylor to resume all the shouting and whimpering at Slipknot’s helm. My gf operates the exact same way: In the face of stillborn negotiations, she’ll make a loud announcement about our plans at a party, then leave it to me to contradict her/look like an asshole from the other side of the room. (Confidential to my gf: Fuck Karen’s birthday dinner. That chick blows homeless guys. I have proof.)

-ADF

Corey Taylor of Slipknot and Stone Sour will release “X-M@$” on December 12 to benefit the Teenage Cancer Trust.


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