QUESTION OF THE WEEK: $100 MILLION TO JOIN A BAND
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In America, Monday was spent in holiday sloth while the rest of Earth (except Italy) did productive stuff, so it kinda doesn’t feel like Friday already. For this short week, we present a fun new MetalSucks Question Of The Week, a (sorta) weekly survey of our staff on a recent hot-button issue that’s rocking our metal planet.
Fearless. Controversial. Half-baked. We give it to you straight every Friday afternoon. Okay not that straight. Here’s this week’s topic:
In the lasting wake of Sergeant D.’s bombshell MetalSucks report that being in a band is for losers, we asked our team:
If you were given $100 million on the condition that tomorrow you would join the band of your choosing as a permanent member, which would it be?
Wat u think? The MS staff’s expert answers after the jump!
JUSTIN M. NORTON
I’d join Van Halen as their bassist. There’s no way they would keep me since Wolfie is the apple of Eddie’s eye. So I could just collect royalties like Michael Anthony and daydream about when they were a good band. Or drummer for Motley Crue, since I hear Tommy Lee has a Starbucks in his house and a portable garden hose in his pants.
I stand by my original statement that being in a band is for losers, but there is one band I would be thrilled to join: THE SUMMER SET (as Jess Bowen’s drum throne).
I would become a member of The Devil Wears Prada as auxiliary Jewish evangelist. I would come out between songs to educate fans about the Jewish roots of their Christian faith, and then be paid handsomely for it. Eventually the band would convert and ask me to switch permanently to lead klezmer clarinet.
Oh dude I’d displace the fuck out of guitarist Brad Whitford in Aerosmith. For fans, I would provide a sexy upgrade for the sexagenarian rockers, cuz I’m a taut Adonis and Whitford’s face has been sliding off his head since 1995 no offensies. Better, my presence would warm chilly band chemistry, pump up friendly onstage competition, and end singer Steven Tyler’s co-dependence on lead guitarist/cold fish Joe Perry — all cuz me and Tyler would be slamming rails and jamming tails 24/7 guilt-free! Night after night from Detroit to Dubai, I’d take it sleazy, hog the horny
under-60 um under-40 uh American Idol fan honeys, and revel in my inexhaustible worship of Aerosmith jamz.
Andrew WK‘s band. I’d play no instrument — just give me Cherie Lily’s job. She is ridiculous and awesome. See “Party Hard” clip below.
I’d get in Judas Priest, one of the most legendary and respected group of metal gods still (sorta) in existence. Newer Priest records are lukewarm, but Priest classics are so numerous that their late-career mediocrity is forgivable. Sure, the band’s recent K.K. Downing-shaped hole has been filled, but their new guy is a fill-in player, nothing more; I would never replace a member that I respect — but if K.K. is out, then V.V. is in! I’d require training to play all those amazing riffs, but I’m into it if I could do the job right.
Necros Christos, simply so that I could see them play even more than I already have. I’d play the oud on the interludes or something equally superfluous — anything in small doses. Because the band is already perfect.
As a kid, I dreamed about playing lead guitar in Guns N’ Roses. Little did I know then that if I really stuck with it, I totally could have ended up playing lead guitar in Guns N’ Roses. So I’d do that. It’s a really easy job: GN’R travels in style via planes and fancy hotel rooms and stuff, I wouldn’t have to write anything (since the band doesn’t make albums), and we’d only tour for a few months every five years or whatever. Plus, those dudes make bank. And as a non-original member, I’d be famous enough that I could bang groupies and get lotsa free swag, but I’d be un-famous enough that I could, like, go to bars with my friends and not get hassled.
Besides, don’t Axl Rose and I make a handsome pair?
Wow this QOTW is kinda like a Rorschach Test for metal people. Hope it wasn’t too gross and disturbing that each MS staffer would choose to dance around and hoover Crosby/teach Judaism in an oldfg/srsfg band. Hit the comments cuz it’s your turn. You’d be lighting guy for Devin Townsend right? Drummer for Metallica? Keyboardist for WoP? Lol see u next Friday :)