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Haterade

THE ELEVENTH ANNUAL GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS: “YOU’LL PROBABLY GET LAID”

 Monday, July 19th, 2010 at 3:30pm by

My homeboy Rob over at Metal Injection thinks that this year’s retardedly long (and just plain old retarded) infomercial for Gathering of the Juggalos isn’t as funny as last year’s, and I suppose it is an inferior sequel — but only slightly so. The rear-screen projection is priceless, the promises of meeting new friends and lovers delicious, and I’ve never seen anybody spell “camaraderie”  as “comradery” before (although Google seems to think it’s legit).

Also: poor, poor Tom Green. He used to fuck Drew Barrymore, and now he does this. Sad.

-AR

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  • Anthony

    I want to bang Sugar Slam

    • Anthony

      Also, how do these douchebags manage to always get some somewhat credible artists to play at these gatherings? Fucking Method man and Redman are actually decent. I remember last year or 2 years ago they had Mushroomhead. How much are they paying these people?

      • dlux

        mushroomhead belongs there, because they’re about as relevant as ICP

      • Kazz

        I think GWAR played there as well. Who knows.

        • http://heavystreet.com/ Sat

          iwrestledabearonce should headline this clusterfuck.

          • SonOF

            or EMMURE.

  • gauche

    last year’s was almost as long.

    “i fucking love Tech 9!”

    -Sugar Slam

  • M.

    at least we know where to “test bomb” some new government explosives.

    it seems the idea of contraceptives doesn’t stop these retards from spawning a hundred more offspring each year. each more fat, ugly and dumber than the last.

    fuckin’ eugenics, how does it work?

  • dokurochan2

    exactly what seminars are offered??

    • nick

      How to make your own Faygo?

    • M.

      how fuckin’ magnets work.

      • Deth

        Don’t be silly – nobody knows how those things work, yo. They just do! It’s a miracle bitches! Like rainbows and mutha fuckin rain, G!

      • brookh

        HA!

    • dlux

      unplanned pregnancies and how to cook with government cheese.

    • Deth

      The myth of vaginas

      Advanced blunt rolling

      Why does it burn when I pee?

      Juggalos fashion 101 – the sideways hat

      Juggalos fashion 201 – how far your pants should hang down your ass

      Jugalos fashion 301 – advanced sneaker cleaning

      What causes your stench – a juggalo hygeine symposium

  • Sandy Duncan’s Fabulous Glass Eye

    The best part is the announcer has the slightest lisp every…so slight you have to listen for it. Once you hear it though everything becomes 10x funnier…like “fethtival”.

    • canea

      hahah, i noticed that too! and wondered if that guy was the best spokesperson they could come up with.

    • Drew

      One of the shitty ICP rapper affiliates has a lisp too, so it all works out.

      http://www.last.fm/music/Anybody+Killa

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Yanak/1403439494 Chris Yanak

        haha Anybody Killa……haha how fucking stupid like who could take this fucking dude seriously??? talking bout killin anybody… yeah they would laugh to death at your retarded sounding ass…

  • Ben

    I’ll never feel sorry for Tom Green. He’s always been lame. So lame that being at something like this should be stepping up for him.

  • Dysenteric

    “Comradery” has the word ‘comrade’ in it. COMRADE-ry. It’s an alteration of the normal spelling inspired by friendship amongst comrades.

    • RomuluXX

      Don’t attempt to justify it. You’re empowering the retards.

    • Pete Mannion

      Comrades? COMRADES? Comrade Stalin, meet Comrade Violent J? ICP are Communists. Proof. That’s enough of a reason to glass ‘em.

    • DemonicLemming

      “Etymology: Middle French camarade”

      Camaraderie is the correct spelling based on the uncorrupted original word, and is properly pronounced as such, not “comrad-ry”. I wouldn’t expect such a long word to be pronounceable by people like juggalos, however; ergo, their fucked-up spelling of it.

  • Jim

    Maybe they will hold a seminar on magnetics. Gallagher could host it.

    Put that on your nuts, bitches.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ian-Pravata/622147016 Ian Pravata

    Of course here is the obligatory link to the post with the SNL version.
    http://www.metalsucks.net/2009/12/07/saturday-night-live-takes-on-the-juggalos/

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ian-Pravata/622147016 Ian Pravata

      I wonder if there is a face painting booth? My kids love to get their faces painted at the church carnivals.

  • Matt

    This is even longer then last years! I’ll have to grab a beer and some snacks and laugh away.

  • metalguy

    Im suprised they didnt describe the festival as a miracle

    • M.

      “Solar eclipse, and vicious weather
      Fifteen thousand Juggalos together”

      I believe they did.

      • metalguy

        you sir are correct

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ben-Alexander/1092891172 Ben Alexander

    I don’t care who you are, wrestling midgets is pretty damn awesome.

  • Johnny Death

    Met a guy a few weeks ago who claimed to be a Juggalo. Told me of going to one of these shows and how much fun it was and blah blah blah. Not only that i found out hes a high school drop out, convicted felon, has no job, lives at his girlfriends section 8 paid house illegally. Later he tryed to convince me i should have kids because of how much money the govenrment will give you if you have them, cause thats the logical reason for having children. That’s just what i remember off the top of my head.

    • cougar party

      Sounds about right. Don’t you just love it when stereotypes play themselves out perfectly?

  • Jon

    I never thought I’d see the day where Kottonmouth Kings were billed above Coolio.

  • Gecko

    Can you really call it “a truly underground” festival if you have advertising for it?

    • Isaac

      Or if you don’t have that many underground artists to begin with?

  • brandonmetal
  • Monochrome Sound

    I actually kinda like Afroman, and Method Man…at least when he was with Wu Tang Clan.

    And do people, besides this white trash still listen to Naughty by Nature, and Vanillia Ice?

    And really, Tila Tequila…?

    Woop woop?

    • Drew

      Meth is still technically part of the Wu-Tang Clan, by the way.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Yanak/1403439494 Chris Yanak

      what Vanilla Ice??…. I didnt watch the whole “infomercial” I couldnt bare watching that dumb white chick and old black dude anymore….

  • chris

    There are some things that I wouldn’t mind checking out at the festival.(midget wrestling, old school wrestlers, Vanilla Ice, Above the Law, etc). Too bad the people are some of most ignorant known to man.

    You have to give ICP some credit, though. They are going to make a fortune off of this.

  • http://schenkeltown.blogspot.com SchenkelTown

    gallagher?! tone loc?! todd bridges?!?!?!

    i gotta go!

  • BetterThanEzra

    Made it through almost half of that before I got the irrepressible urge to fuck my sister…b back in a bit…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sean-Wright/1365416981 Sean Wright

    FUCKING MUSIC FESTIVALS, HOW DO THEY WORK?

    But the main question is where is Ass Dan?

  • Malamor

    I am so happy my kids like metal and do not listen to this shit.

  • You Don’t Know Me

    “Mutha fuckin’ Gallagher is going to be in this bitch!”

    I almost fell out of my chair laughing at that line. Cuz Gallagher appeals to that wannabe gangster crowd OH SO WELL.

    And list of artists is deplorable. “YEAH DAWG! WE GOT TON-LOC IN THE HOUSE!” I didn’t even know that guy still had a rapping career!

    Very rarely will I flat out shit on something because I hate it, but this is an exception. This BLOWS and so does the entire Juggalo sub-culture.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-John-Crispen/100000169530540 Jason John Crispen

      naughty by nature, tone-loc, coolio, and young mc played here not too long ago. kinda like a hip-hop version of the “rock never stops” tour

  • You Don’t Know Me

    By the way, Corporal Robinson being a spokesman for JCW in that thing is fucking hilarious. And the fact that Bryan Danielson is booked on that show made me loose so much respect for him.

    • Jizzmaster3000

      Same. Can’t beleive WWE fired him for that.

  • Wade Wiseman

    Fuck… I work at Hot Topic… And they sell tickets there. I’m helping this happen.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrew-Sterner/1335958279 Andrew Sterner

      Nonono, it’s not your fault. That would be like saying someone who works at a fast food joint is responsible for Obesity.

      That’s just plain unfair. It’s the retards promoting it that are at fault, along with the idiots that buy into it.

      Having that said, how much tail do you think someone who isn’t a total moron could get? I think that’s a legitimate question.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ben-Alexander/1092891172 Ben Alexander

        How much would you want is a better question. After weeding out the morbidly obese and the meth addicted, how many do you honestly have left?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Richard-Adragna/18902481 Richard Adragna

    I’m not sure that even after the nut cancer Tom Green was able to fuck period.

  • exanimate

    I sat and watched this whole thing and I really don’t believe that this shit is real. I’m 34 and have listened to metal my entire life. I had heard of ICP, but until I started coming to this site, I had no idea of this whole Juggalo thing. Even then, I never watched any of the videos until the Miracles thing.

    Now I’m fucking morbidly fascinated by it. I want to go, just to fucking see that it exists.

    Thank god my 13 year old loves metal, because if he was into this shit, I really would have to consider child abuse.

    • exanimate

      Ugh… now I’m typing “fucking’ more than necessary.

      • Gabe

        same here dude. Had no idea of the whole Juggalo scene until I went to a Mushroomhead concert. Hed pe played before em so it was loaded with juggalos and those fuckers are NOT about love. You try to mosh with them and they high kick you in the face.

  • this is me

    I give up…is this a legit festival or not? and if so, I am seriously beginning to question this human race, at this point

  • Charlie

    Seriously the ICP jokes are getting old. why do you guys even bother to put this shit up.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sean-Wright/1365416981 Sean Wright

    Oh and if this festival guarantees me to “get laid” then I’ll take forever remaining a shit-talking virgin in my mom’s basement playing Dungeons and Dragons.

    R.I.P. Ass Dan.

  • thelump

    As dumb as this is, I wonder why they cant make Metal festivals this fun.
    Midget wrestling, Flashlight wrestling, naked chicks, free food, 100+ artists, I mean, if I was a juggalo, that would be amazing, I cant deny that.

    • Rathenrust McThulhu

      It IS amazing. If you can stand annoying metal fans I think you can stand annoying Juggalos becuase not every one of them is annoying by a long shot, and most of the time you’re really really drunk etc.

  • Rathenrust McThulhu

    Just got my tickets yesterday, its gonna be a good time. Hopefully I get laid.

    • PILLS HERE

      probs

  • Type-O-Positive

    damn… I tried to not watch the whole thing, but it was like a trainwreck… you shouldn’t watch it but for some odd reason you feel compelled to and laugh at other people’s misfortunes.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shaun-Reeves/100000774753955 Shaun Reeves

      this

  • Greg

    This brings a sad fact to light. ICP is horrible ,however, you would be hard pressed to find any metal/hardcore/punk band with this kind of dedicated fanbase. How many bands in the extreme genre have this kind of emotional and financial following? The music may be no more than cerebral diarrhea, but what other band can boast 10k+ fans driving out to frogballs, nowhere to see this shit. Especially when there are fantastic metal bands playing to half empty bars.

    • the devil’s advocate

      Cerebral diarrhea…
      Frogballs, Nowhere…
      Fucking hell, that’s funny…and yet, at the same time, uncannily accurate

  • Randy Blythe’s Illegitimate Child

    Hahaha Vanilla Ice… is this his first gig since he got his ass kicked on Celebrity Boxing?

  • matty2fatty

    so Juggalos essentially live in 1992-1996 or so?

  • SonOF

    Tech N9ne is an awesome rapper, and obviously Red and Meth are legends, it’s ridiculous that they associate themselves with this (and I remember seeing Tech in last years promo too). As someone else mentioned, the money must be good. And with no corporate sponsors, the dudes in ICP must truly be doing well living off that Juggalo money.

    One thing I will give this event, the variety is always mind boggling. It’s like they put names in a hat and pick randomly to fill up the slots for each genre. It’s like “OK, we need comedians…Put 30 names of washed-up comediens in the hat and pick 5 out randomly.” Ron Jeremy, Tom Green, and Gallagher? Seriously?

    Do you think Sugar Slam REALLY talks like that?

    Tone-Loc, Coolio, Naughty By Nature, Warren G., Slick Rick? I think these retired/ semi-retired rappers wait all year for this payday.

  • Bad Drummer

    I may go to next years for my Philanthropy thesis,but i really don’t want to get some weird disease. It would be like living with some obscure tribe,only with less I.Q and more white trash.

  • anonymous

    Alright then, i’ll bring my ak-47 so I that may show the Insane Clown Pussy err, I mean Posse what I think of their amazing music, who wants to come with me?

    • Marc

      I’m up for that.

  • Marc

    This whole thing is a perfect example of the movie ‘Idiocracy’ coming to fruition in society. Pretty fucking sad………….

  • EvilivE

    I’m not 100% positive, but I don’t think he said “You’ll probably get laid”, I think he said “You’ll probably get AIDS”. Pretty sure.

  • DemonicLemming

    Living in WV, I always find it moderately humorous that there’s the occasional ICP fantard around here (incidentally, they almost always seem to love Linkin Park, too) who is, at the same time, morbidly racist. ICP is nothing if not a bunch of fat, untalented white guys who are just pissed off they weren’t good enough at “rapping” to make it like the Beastie Boys did. Why out-of-the-closet racists enjoy ICP is something I just don’t understand – they perpetuate the very things racists stereotype about blacks, except with a different color.

    I guess someone stupid enough to be a juggalo or a racist, and most especially one functionally retarded enough to be both, can’t be expected to understand the irony of their allegiances and opinions. I vote daisy cutters and napalm.

  • Will

    The Dayton Family is actually a really fucking good rap group. I guess they found an audience with this festival.

  • Fullofsin

    Gathering of the Juggalos is responsible for more methhead retard babies then the trailer park down the street.

  • Isaac

    I rue this day, for on it I first heard the phrase “The Amazing Hed (PE)”

  • Full Metal Life Jacket

    I don’t think even the Juggalos could sit through the entire “Big Money Rustlas” movie. I had a hard time making it through the trailer. I just saw that SNL parody recently and had no idea how accurate it was until now!

    • EvilivE

      You, sir (or ma’am?) have the best name ever!

      • Full Metal Life Jacket

        Thanks. Sir it is, although I’ve never been knighted.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Luke-Darrah/1298952081 Luke Darrah

    R.I.P. Ass Dan……

  • Jizzmaster3000

    What happened black people? You used to be cool.