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IDIOT VS. IDIOT: JUGGALOS ATTACK TILA TEQUILA

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Tila Tequila is one of these ladies who is famous for reasons I don’t really understand. I’m reading her Wikipedia page right now, and it looks like she got her start posing for Playboy, because I guess some guys like any woman who will take her clothes off, even if she looks like Gollum with fake tits. Then she did some acting, by which I mean she played “Hooters Girl #3” in the unwatchable I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. And then she got a VH1 reality dating show, because VH1 is where people with VD go to find true love, or, at least, someone to fuck until next season. And I guess she put out some music, too, because that sort of thing is no longer based on talent, but, rather, access to a computer, and every famous-for-no-particular-reason person in the world now puts out an album sooner or later.

So. The Eleventh Annual Gathering of the Juggalos took place this past weekend, and I don’t know who books/curates/whatever that event, but my impression is that they’ll take anyone. If you’re moderately famous and willing to play their festival, the organizers will gladly have you. And I guess it didn’t occur to anyone that Juggalos are used to fucking girls who looks like this and, thus, would probably get overly excited by the site of a woman who looks like Tila Tequila. And so Tequila took the stage at said Gathering… and was promptly attacked by the crowd of rabid horny mongoloids.

She told TMZ, an institution that represents everything right with the world:

“I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the sh*t out of the port-0-potty and threw sh*t and piss at me when I was onstage.

“These people were trying to kill me. So then after the last blow to my head with the firecracker they threw at me exploded, my bodygaurd and the other security grabbed me and ran as fast as they could to the shitty trailor. Since their security SUCKS, the 2 thousand people ran after us, trying to kill me. They almost got me so they finally reach the trailor, blood all over myself, cant stop bleeding, then all of a sudden, all 2 thousand people surround the trailor and busts the windows!!! Even the guys INSIDE with me were shaking! Their hands were shaking cuz they were so scared! So 3 guys inside the trailor had to grab a table and push it over the broken windows and grabbed all the chairs they could find so hold the people from outside back. It was scary as hell!”

So of course Tila is seeking justice the way any person would in modern times — via litigation. From her Twitter account:

So I don’t know about you, but I certainly feel better than Alan is already on it.

Unfortunately, though, this is not the entire story. A performer/eye witness at the festival, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of Juggalo retribution, told CNN:

“She was taunting them,” he said. “She didn’t know how to handle them. She didn’t understand the dynamic.”

The rocks and bottles flew harder and faster when Tequila bared her breasts, he said.

“She took her top off and they got really violent,” he said.

Yep! People were throwing rocks, bottles, and literal shit at Tila, and her reaction was to take her top off. I guess she thought it was just another Saturday night of filming for VH1 or something, and didn’t realize that when you show a steak to an angry dog, you’re just going to increase its blood thirst. Seriously, I don’t know why any woman with an IQ over about five would ever show her tits to a crowd that was already getting violent; maybe she thought the sight of silicone would appease the angry hordes, but, really, that’s just an invitation to gang rape.

Look: I’m not saying that the violence against Tequila was justified. It wasn’t. I don’t care how annoying this chick is; you can’t just attack her.

But this strikes me as a case of a real dumb ass dealing with a mob of other dumb asses via sheer dumb assery. No one comes out of this looking good, and the incident just serves to further the argument that if there is a God, He created the Gathering of the Juggalos so the government wouldn’t have to round all the Ninjas up before putting them in one location and napalming the shit out of it. They’re already there! We could have been rid of thousands of Juggalos, ICP, Tom Green, and Tila Tequila, all in one fell swoop. But they blew it, the way they blow every national crisis. Fuck.

My sincerest thanks to everyone who e-mailed us about this over the weekend. If you hadn’t told me about it, I might have gone my entire life without knowing. And what kind of existence would that be?

-AR

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