MetalSucks

Metal fans, let’s take a collective moment to consider ourselves blessed with some big Peters. Peters who will take you firmly from both sides of the mixing board with confidence and expertise. Sweaty, bulging-veined Peters whose live shows leave willing multitudes spent, sated, slack – and more than a bit bruised. These Peters, thanks to generous endowments of talent, stand fully erect as superstars in real metal. Each of metal’s hugest Peters share a rock hard work ethic, hardly pausing for rest between releases captured on tape and performances in the flesh, after which they simply move on to violate again in another city.

For the second installment of MetalSucks’ Metal’s Biggest Peters, I phoned Testament’s Eric Peterson, for whom I had no fewer than ten-thousand questions. But Peterson is busy building the next classic Testament record and preparing for the Slayer/Megadeth-headlined American Carnage tour – or, simply, the Slaygadethstament Tour – so I’d have to wait for another day to press him about producers Tony Platt and GGGarth Richardson; nor would we discuss Slayer drummer Dave Lombardo’s career performance on The Gathering, the record that re-launched Testament as a metal juggernaut; neither was there an opportunity to probe Peterson’s feelings on the infiltration of Testament by an unapologetic jazz devotee in godly guitarist Alex Skolnick; and I’d have to refrain from following-up on his passing mentions of good new music and jerkface Dave Mustaine. Still, the genial and passionate Peterson opened up about the diplomacy required to lead a metal band, Testament’s surprising new setlist, the potential for blastbeats on the follow-up to 2008’s triumphant The Formation of Damnation, and his surefire plan to improve the disaster movie 2012.

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At Relapse Records’ CMJ showcase last month, I had the privilege of briefly meeting Tony from Acrassicuada, a.k.a. “that band from Heavy Metal in Baghdad.” I introduced myself and told him I run a site called MetalSucks; to my incredible shock and joy, he knew what MetalSucks is. See, we’d sent the band a care package way back in 2007, which included some MetalSucks stickers; he told me that he’d kept one of those stickers on his guitar for some time. And while it’s entirely possible that he was just blowing smoke up I ass, I don’t think he was – I didn’t prompt him about the care package or anything, he just brought it up. So that was pretty awesome.

ANYWAY, after an incredible amount of struggle, the likes of which I can’t even imagine trying to overcome, Acrassicauda are here in the U.S. and, according to their MySpace page, are getting ready to release an EP:

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Oftentimes, writers tend to fall in love with their own words and florid descriptions. I try to avoid this in my true crime books as I believe the stories themselves propel the tale along.

In music criticism, it’s even worse.

Who can come up with the most br00tal analogies or the wittiest put-downs or the sickest comparisons usually takes precedence over simply writing a straight-forward review of what the writer has just listened to or witnessed? Sometimes it’s not necessary to go into an overly detailed historical analysis of metal or an attempt to make a sociological connection between the music and its fans. I’m sure I’ve fallen prey to pedantic verboseness at times. But, hey, sometimes, it’s just better to tell the readers that “shit sucks” or “shit’s great.”

That being said, Testament and Lazarus A.D. fall into the “shit’s great” category, while Unearth falls into the “shit sucks” category.

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[MetalSucks contributor, resident old fart and best-selling author Corey Mitchell recently attended the San Antonio stop of this summer's Metal Masters tour featuring Judas Priest, Heaven and Hell, Motorhead and Testament. Before the show he caught up with Testament wunkerkind guitarist Alex Skolnick and asked him questions about the band's formation, the steps leading to their reunion, his work with his own jazz trio and his experience being in New York when the twin towers fell on September 11th. Read Corey's review of the show and of course check out his interview with Skolnick after the jump.]

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The biggest metal tour of 2008 rolled through San Antonio at the Verizon Wireless this past Sunday with Testament, Motorhead, Heaven and Hell, and Judas Priest in tow. It was Heavy Metal Parking Lot come to life, only with several more “special” parking spaces for the decidedly older crowd.

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FUCK SCOTT WEILAND. I’m glad you’ve been able to get this far based on your limited vocal range and ability to mimic the same style of on-stage dancing that Bowie and Iggy Pop were doing thirty years ago, but seriously, stop trying to compete with Axl Rose for the “Biggest Asshole” award – Axl will beat your ass every time. Calling Slash by his real name in a press release does not make you clever. Claiming the name “Velvet Revolver” was your idea does not make you cool. You’ve always had to suck off the musical talent teat of others, and every time I think about the fact that Layne Staley couldn’t get it together while you go on and on and on I die a little inside. I hope the DeLeo brothers stab you in the eyes with your fucking needles. And fuck your wife Mary, too.

FUCK ROBB FLYNN. I’m a huge Machine Head fan, but telling people that you “once punched some kid in the face for saying that Gary Holt sucked” is moronic. Metal is supposed to be about blowing off steam in a healthy way so as to avoid actual neanderthal behavior. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to fight in this world, but someone insulting the fucking guitar player from Exodus is not one of them. Put more simply: You either a) actually did punch some dude for talking shit about Holt and are therefore a bona fide moron or b) are lying about punching some dude for talking shit about Holt and are therefore a bona fide moron. Also, every Machine Head album in-between Burn My Eyes and Through the Ashes of Empires was a cock sucking trend chasing waste of time. Deal with it.

FUCK MARIA BRINK. Someone told me that if you see her up close she’s not actually hot, but after looking closely at some candid photos (like this one), I realized you don’t really have to be very close to her all to see that she looks like a fucking rodent. Has this bitch had too much plastic surgery (excuse me, “work done”), or does she really just look  like my morning crap? Also, did you know that she sells hand drawn pictures and poems on her MySpace page (I won’t link to it, go find it if you’re so fucking interested)? I haven’t read the poems but the pictures look like they were drawn by a retarded five year old. Stop wearing that stupid blue dress and trying to exploit your non-existent looks to cover up for your lack of talent. I hope Christina Scabbia kicks you in the twat.

Fuck me for writing this, and fuck you for reading it. I’m gonna go kill a fucking bunny that made fun of Alex Skolnick.

-AR