MetalSucks

I just got this e-mail from a reader calling herself “Angry Geek Girl.” The subject line is “Just Want To Keep You Guys Honest.” I’m just gonna go ahead and print it in its entirety:

“Axl,

“I noticed something interesting. When Rikki Rockett was accused, you jumped on that damn skippy. But when he’s cleared because he wasn’t even IN Mississippi at the time of the alleged incident, your as quiet as a church-mouse.

“Of course your in good company. Everyone was real prominent with the allegation, but either didn’t report Rikki Rockett’s name being cleared or buried it as deep as the could, placing it between the local little league schedule and a recipe for summer squash casserole where no one would see it. I guess innocence doesn’t sell.

“I thought you guys were better then that. Guess I was wrong.

“Angry Geek Girl”

So, yes, Rikki Rockett is innocent, and no, we didn’t report it. It’s a poor excuse, I know, but please keep in mind that Vince and I are the only ones who work on this site on a daily basis, and that we both have day jobs which pays the bills so that we can keep the site goin’. So, yeah, sometimes a story is gonna fall through the cracks.

Still… sorry we let ya down, AGG. We’ll try not to do it again.

-AR

So while Richie Sambora is not doing the new season of Rock of Love, Sharon Osbourne has been hired to teach “some of the most notorious contestants from Rock of Love with Bret Michaels the art of becoming more lady-like” for a new program entitled – what else? – Rock of Love Girls: Charm School.

Since Sharon Osbourne knows little to nothing about being a) lady-like or b) charming, I can only assume that Mrs. Ozzy is actually being hired because she knows how to land a rock star and keep a rock star. “Make sure he’s too fucked up to know where he is at all times,” I can just hear Sharon instructing these, um, “ladies.” “That way he’ll never cheat on you and you keep can keep him working and making money for you until the day he dies.”

No word on which sluts – uh, contestants – from Rock of Love will be on the show, but as long as the sloppy drunk chick who kept saying “Don’t threaten me with a good time” shows up, I’ll tune in at least once.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

Queensryche have announced that they’ll play their album Operation: Mindcrime in its entirety at this summer’s Rocklahoma festival. The album is generally revered as a classic amongst Queensryche fans such as our very own Vince Neilstein.

To be honest, I’ve never gotten that into Queensryche, mostly because there’s something intangible about Geoff Tate that makes me want to punch him in the vagina. But plenty of people, including Vince, have told me that I’m missing out in a big, big way.

So debate amongst yourselves: in terms of being an Event with a capital “E,” does Queensryche’s performing of this album in its entirety rival Metallica’s performance of the complete Master of Puppets? Or it roughly akin to Poison performing Look What the Cat Dragged In from start to finish?

-AR

The worst kept secret in rock is that Bret Michaels and his natural hair parted ways long ago. It’s why he’s also wearing those stupid bandannas that went out of style in like 1990 or so. Remember that story about the girl with the thing tied around her neck, and when her husband finally got her to remove it her head fell off? Such is the relationship between the Poison singer and his head gear.

Now, in an interview with the Associated Press, Michaels has come clean… almost:

AP: What are you hiding under that bandanna?

Michaels: My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer. I do [Rock of Love] without it on all the time and they won’t film me. They are like, “Put your bandanna back on. It is your image.” It is my signature thing.

Well, I don’t buy for a second that he offers to let them film him without the bandanna; Slash’s top hat is a “signature thing,” but eighteen gazillion morons wore bandannas in the 80s. Still, I give Bret credit for admitting that it’s not all his real hair; that’s more than you’ll get out of most over-the-hill hair metallers.

-AR

It would appear that Poison drummer Rikki Rockett has been arrested on rape charges.

Of course, it’s entirely possible that the guy is completely innocent… I mean, as a millionaire rock star, you’d think the guy could get plenty of poon-tang without using force, even if it is from aging, used up groupies… but just in case he isn’t innocent, I’d like to be the first to say that I hope he gets a nice long prison sentence, during which time guys with names like “Bubba” repeatedly do to him what he did to that girl.

That is all.

-AR

Over the weekend Blabbermouth reported that Poison will be doing another edition of their summer package tour, which isn’t surprising – for glam fans $30 to see three old hair metal acts complete with big light shows, pyro, and all the fixings is a pretty good deal.

What is kind of surprising is that Sebastian Bach has been announced as one of the openers; he’ll rotate with the other one, a George Lynch-less Dokken.

You read that correctly, folks. Dokken.

Now, Baz hasn’t exactly been the most dignified of sorts, but there’s a pretty huge difference between opening for Axl Rose at Madison Square Garden and opening for Poison at pretty much fuckin’ anywhere.

Funnier still is this quote from a 1999 interview with Baz: “We [Skid Row] were definitely separate from Poison and Warrant… Skid Row fans are not Poison fans.”

Oh, well. It’s easy to talk big when you don’t have bills to pay, I guess.

-AR

With the incredible success of The Dirt, I kind of assumed that every 80’s metal star in the world would wanna pump out an autobiography; I mean, really, most of the work is left to some poor “c0-writer” like Neil Strauss or Anthony Bozza, and there’s obviously a market for the finished product. But here we are, almost seven years after The Dirt was originally published, and it seems like we’re only now starting to get the influx of tell-alls I expected: just last year Nikki Sixx tried to hit the jackpot a second time with The Heroin Diaries while Slash took his first step towards a post-Velvet Revovler career with Slash, and now it’s been announced that we can all look forward to a tome from… Bret Michaels. A press release states:

“Not only can you see Michaels on Rock of Love this spring but you will also be able to read all about his life this fall when the singer’s much-anticipated autobiography is released by renowned publishing house Simon & Schuster.”

There’s no word on who is doing the real writing for Michaels – by God, I hope he’s not trying to write it himself – or when we can expect this literary masterpiece. But I do find the press releases assertion that Simon & Schuster is a “renowned publishing house” kinda hilarious. I mean, it’s certainly one of the bigger publishers out there, but it seems a little like saying “renowned record label Capitol” or something – most people probably aren’t paying attention to the label, they just wanna hear the album.

In any case, I’m not gonna lie, I will most likely read this book. Still, I wish more bands would follow The Dirt’s model and do a Roshamon-like multiple-perspective telling of events. Because even though hearing Michaels talk about how crazy C.C. DeVille is might be fun, it won’t be as much fun as a chapter by DeVille in the same book disputing his insanity would be.

-AR

In case you’re into this sort of thing, here’s an assembly of clips to look forward to from throughout Rock of Love Season 2, the VH1 reality show in which 20 past-their-prime, mostly ugly, silicon and botox-filled bimbos compete for the “love” of Poison frontman Bret Michaels. And no, Bret Michaels is not competing for the love of himself.

If nothing else, it’s fun to play a game by trying to spot Michaels’ terrible wigs beneath his famous bandana cover-up.

-VN

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So the second season of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels has commenced. I was watching the premiere with MetalSucks friend Tommy Wee, who had never seen the show before, and he kept asking me why they would stick Bret Michaels in a house with a bunch of Bellevue patients; but that didn’t bother me, because crazy, ugly, third rate porn stars acting like total morons in a lame attempt to get with someone who hasn’t really been famous since about 1991 or so is the entire point of watching drek like this.

No, the premiere of Rock of Love bothered me for a much different reason. See, while most of the girls on the first season were less than attractive, they were not, by and large, irredeemably repulsive. Put more simply: I would never actively pursue one of the Brandis, but it’s not outside the realm of possibility that, while in a drunken stupor of horniness and self-loathing, I might take one of them home.

But contestants like Angelique – she’s the Planet of the Apes reject on your above right – actively make my penis limp. I mean, look at her: she’s fucking DISGUSTING. I wouldn’t fuck Angelique with Angelique’s dick.

Click to read more…

Thanks to MetalSucks reader R Rocket for sending us this promo shot for Bret Michaels’ Rock of Love Season 2, the TV show in which 20 over-the-hill silicon bimbos vie for the affection of the wig-wearing Poison frontman. This photo is… wow, I don’t even know what it is. I’m just shocked.

We’ve got some miscellaneous metal goodies lying around the MetalSucks Mansion, and we’d love to give them away to you (side note: Heavy Metal Hanukkah winners fear not, your prizes are being mailed soon). All you have to do to win is post a comment below with a funny caption for the above photo. Axl, Kip and I will choose our favorite winners and contact them by email. Good luck.

Here’s one for motivation: “It’s a shame they can’t Photoshop ‘rock credibility’ into this Bret Michaels promo shot.”

-VN