OMG YOU GUYS I JUST THOUGHT OF THE BEST TRIO EVER
IF SOMEONE CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN I WILL HAVE A UTERUS SURGICALLY INSTALLED IN MY OWN BODY AND HAVE YOUR BABY.
-AR
Posts Tagged ‘poison’
BRET MICHAELS AND NIKKI SIXX COME TOGETHER TO CURE INSOMNIA
You’d think with all the shit talking and back tracking Nikki Sixx has been doing about this whole Motley Crue/Poison tour, putting him in a room with Bret Michaels to do some terrible morning television (because Motley Crue and Poison fans are now so old that the media outlet they are most likely to get their rock news from is a morning show) would an awful idea. And by “awful,” I mean for those poor bastards. You’d think it would be a great idea for us drama enthusiasts.
But no. Sixx and Michaels have been making the morning show rounds, and not only do they appear to be getting along, but they are about as exciting a comedy team as Death and Taxes. I mean, holy shit, are these interviews boring. The only thing even remotely interesting about them is the fact that Michaels is now more media-savvy than Sixx. Sixx’s exploits with Kat Von D. have kept him in the tabloids, but Rock of Love, Celebrity Apprentice, the Tony Awards, Miley Cyrus, and a giant middle finger to the desires of The Almighty have made Michaels famous in a much bigger way — a “Sheesh even my grandmother knows who Bret Michaels is” kinda way — and he’s gotten good at giving these very bland talk show interviews.
ANYWAY, if you do wanna watch these, here’s the video I prefer, if for no other reason than because I thought the lady was saying “Yep, that’s my sexual future” at the beginning, and I was like, “Whuh-huh?” (she’s actually saying “my six year old’s future”). But Metal Insider, who first brought these interviews to my attention, have another one, too.
-AR
HISTORY IS METAL
UPDATE: BOOO! Apparently these were part of an art project, and not a real advertising campaign. If the people who run the Smithsonian were smart, they’d purchase these. Anyways, thanks to Jonathan Delarosa for bringing the truth to light.
I saw these new posters for the Smithsonian on Badass Digest, and they amused me enough that I thought they were worth sharing. I don’t particularly have anything to say about them — I just think they’re a clever way to try and express that history is cool, which it is, despite how fucking boring your teachers were/are.
TOMMY LEE TO DISRESPECT FOREIGN CULTURES FOR REALITY TELEVISION
Did anyone watch Tommy Lee Goes to College when it was on? I didn’t. Yeah, it might have been funny to see the Motley Crue drummer — who I sincerely believe is at least a little bit retarded, in the truest sense of the word — fumble through college and possibly spread hepatitis and chlamydia amongst an entire sorority house. But the premise ultimately wasn’t intriguing enough to get me to tune in. And, honestly, if I was a student (or the parent of a student) at that school and I found out they were letting some dingleberry rock star and a television crew wander around and disrupt shit, I’d probably be pretty pissed.
Now Mr. Lee is getting ready to fuck shit up not just for college students, but for entire cultures. Says Bring Back Glam!:
NEW YORK DOLLS = INSTANT CREDIBILITY
The New York Dolls are the OG glam rockers, the gnarliest, the realest, the least bullshitty. Therefore merely invoking their name in any conversation lends instant credibility to your argument. Just last week in Austin, TX, Kip W. was trying to convince me of the superiority of chicken tacos over pork tacos to which I simply said “New York Dolls!” and the conversation was over. Similarly, another metal journalist tried telling me that Between the Buried and Me are wanky instrumentalists with no songwriting ability to which I said “New York Dolls!” and that shut him up right quick. Nikki Sixx knows this tried-and-true method of debate-winning all too well; when he was confronted about going back on his statement that he’d never tour with Poison, all he had to do was point out that the New York Dolls were opening and that shut just about everyone up (except us).
BRET MICHAELS > NIKKI SIXX
I know we give Bret Michaels a lot of shit around here, and rightfully so. But I actually do think he deserves a big pat on the back for this.
In case you haven’t been following the drama: Nikki Sixx has been saying no band of his would ever tour with Poison since as far back as 2004, and then in November Bret Michaels said that Motley Crue were going to tour with Poison, and then Tommy Lee was all “Oh no we’re not,” and then it turned out the tour was happening anyway, and then Nikki, rather than admit that The Crue are putting aside whatever hatred they have for Poison in order to please the fans/get paid, came out and was like, “Yeah, we’re just doing this tour with New York Dolls,” who will act as support on the bill.
Now, inevitably, Michaels has been asked about all the brewing drama in a recent interview. And he could have started some shit by smack talking Sixx right back, which I certainly would have found entertaining. Or he could have told some bullshit lie like Sixx did, which would have provided me the opportunity to make fun of him some more. But, no, he did something kind of unusual instead: he took the high road and told the truth.
Here are some choice excerpts:
NIKKI SIXX THINKS YOU’RE STUPID
So this Motley Crue/Poison/New York Dolls tour is really happening, and now Nikki Sixx has to do some backpedalin’, seeing as just a few years ago he declared that no band he’s in “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” because Poison are “fake bullshit.” Thing is, it’s hard to backpedal from a statement as definitive and aggressive as that one. So Nikki probably did the menschy thing and just came right out and said “Yeah, well that was then and this is now and the fans really want this tour and cha-ching!”, right?
Nope. Instead, he went on his radio show (oh yeah, someone gave Nikki a radio show) and said this:
LEYLA FORD ON CRAZY LIXX: HOW SWEDE IT IS
The newly-announced Poison and Motley Crue US tour is nice, but Sweden pretty much has got the whole sleaze rock thing down properly. There’s Crashdiet, the glam-rock forefathers of Swede sleaze; Reckless Love, who, if they’d been any fluffier, could be substituted for Easter animals; and my personal favorite Hardcore Superstar, who are harder and more thrash/punk than glam.
Crazy Lixx lands smack in the middle of this (and more — the UK is getting in on the sleaze action and the less said about that right now the better). Their songs are basically pop songs performed really loud with a couple extra guitars. Formed in 2002, this four-piece from Malmo, Sweden has so far put out only two albums. The first of which, 2007’s Loud Minority, is nearly impossibly to get. (Luckily, I have a nice Australian friend coming through for me. See, this is why you make friends with other countries. To get music. Worked when I was trying to track down Kvelertak too.)
DON’T LOOK AT THESE MOTLEY CRUE/POISON TOUR DATES IF YOU HATE FUN
Fun fact: I put the Mötley Crüe/Poison/New York Dolls tour date I wanna hit up (I’ve considered it and I’m ready to forgive Vince Neil as long as he promises to remain pathetic) in the calendar on my iPhone, AND THE PHONE AUTOMATICALLY ADDED UMLAUTS. It really is the future, guys. 2001 was just a misprint. I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.
ANYWAY, I know a lot of you are pretty down on this tour, and I’ll try to keep that in mind when Vince and I are having an amazing time at the show. Actually, I’ll probably be way too coked up to care. Nevvvverrrrr mind.
Here are the dates:
MOTLEY CRUE VS. POISON: LET THE DRAMA BEGIN!!!
Bret and Nikki in happier times
Clearly, Motley Crue (or, at least, Nikki Sixx) do not wanna do this tour with Poison. Nikki has been quoted as far back as 2004 as having said that The Crue “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” who he called “fake bullshit.” Even though both bands wore make-up and got by on their image as much as their music, Motley seem to think they’re better than Poison. And there’s a strong argument to be made that they’re correct — they were around when the Poison dudes were still living in Pennsylvania, and their music, although certainly dated, definitely holds up better.
But the fact is, they’re doing this tour with Poison, and now’s the time for them to man up and stop firing shots over the bow. Right?
Wrong.
See, when CNN’s website for Piers Morgan Tonight broke the story (via an interview with Bret Michaels) that the rumored tour was a go, they also ran a press release which distinctly says that the two bands will “co-headline.” But not so, according to Motley Crue’s Facebook page:
THE MOTLEY CRUE/POISON TOUR IS A GO
So in November, Bret Michaels said that Poison and Motley Crue were gonna do a big summer tour together, despite the fact that Nikki Sixx once said that there was “No way in fucking hell” that Motley “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” ’cause “That would be the death of us… I will not be attached to that kind of fake bullshit.” And then a couple of days later, Tommy Lee shot down the rumor with an enthusiastic “NO!”
Well, now Michaels has gone on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight and announced that Poison and The Crue will, indeed, do a big summer tour together, to celebrate the former band’s 25th anniversary. And just to make extra-sure that Nikki and Tommy now have to eat their words, the tour is going to be called “Glam – A – Gedon 25.”
Now, I’m of two minds about going to this tour:
NEILSTEIN SOUNDSCAM: BREAKDOWNS AND FLAT-BRIMMED CAPS STILL SELL ALBUMS… AND, UH, SO DOES MR. BIG (AGAIN!)
If you don’t understand what that headline is a reference to, you’ve probably got the intelligence of the average fan of said band. And you probably believe in real-life transformers, characters from Street Fighter and the planet Nibiru.
Elsewhere, Deicide had a solid first week while Motorhead and Crowbar had solid second weeks on the Soundscan charts. Let’s check those out and see what else was poppin’.
WELL, NOW THEY DONE N’ DID IT: J. BENNETT DEFENDS CELTIC FROST’S COLD LAKE
Even this little kid can’t believe this shit.
Ever since The Deciblog started their weekly “Justify Your Shitty Taste” column — in which writers and musicians attempt to defend the indefensible — we’ve been joking that it was only a matter of time until someone stood up for Celtic Frost’s Cold Lake.
Ladies and germs, that time has arrived.
50% OF BULLETBOYS TO PERFORM 100% OF BULLETBOYS
Sweden’s glam metal renaissance is solely responsible for my throbbing, veiny ear-ection these days, but so far my fave jamz are from two sleek, uber-produced acts: Crazy Lixx and Crashdiet. Young me wouldn’t have looked twice at these synthy, post-Loverboy bad-boys-running-wild types, but goddammit it’s 2011 and I’ll take what I can get. Shit, the songs are there, so it’s cool. But secretly, what I’m eagerly awaiting is the raunchy counterparts to this scene’s Poison, Slaughter, Warrant, and Winger. (I think Goethenberg’s Hardcore Superstar splits the difference like Motley Crue.) Yes, I say let’s get some non-glossy, sleazy, bluesy, flashy, ribald, Swedish hair rock, cuz it’s impossible to overrate the best work of Badlands, Junkyard, Dangerous Toys, and BulletBoys. Oh wow stop the presses there go the fabulous BulletBoys right now! Big news!
BulletBoys’ self-titled debut album was a smash success during the heyday of heavy metal, going platinum and spawning the MTV and radio hits ”For The Love Of Money” and ”Smooth Up In Ya.” Now original members Marq Torien (vocals) and Lonnie Vencent (bass) have reunited to perform the LP from beginning to end for the first time in the group’s long and storied history.
I LIKE MUSIC VIDEOS
I like music videos. I don’t mean just lame concert footage videos either. (I get it, Band, you can play your instruments like, really well. In front of people!) No, I mean the amazing, overblown, explosions and nonsensical storylines, holy shit is that a cameo by jailbait Keri Russell in bra?!, looks like it was directed by Michael Bay, epic mini-movies. In fact, Meat Loaf’s, “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That),” has pretty much all of the aforementioned, except one. I won’t say which one, just look it up*. It is the most amazing seven minutes ever. Except for the part where he prays to the god of, “Sex, and drums, and rock’n’roll.” Come on, now, you’re not fooling anyone.
The other night I couldn’t sleep. So I ended up watching music videos until the sun came up. I did not have a good day that day. Of course, I watched metal videos. (Okay fine, like half were Meat Loaf videos. He kind of hovers on the periphery of metal, right? He was in Rocky Horror Picture Show, he played a totally awesome biker named Eddie! Isn’t his daughter married to Scott Ian? Fringes, he’s on the fringes. Shut up, Meat Loaf is awesome. Even more so when I can’t type and write “Meat Load.” Good job proof-reading at 5:40 a.m.)
Videos were my first introduction to many bands. They were like trailers for records, and the more confusing and “deep” they were, the more interested I got. I’m not saying there are no good videos anymore, but I just can’t believe we live in a time where it’s no longer cool to shred shirtless on a cliff while your bandmate gets married but then it starts raining and the bride is dead and Axl Rose is swimming with dolphins while Stephanie Seymour beats up a girl in a bar. I mean, maybe it’s a good thing bands don’t go bankrupt after videos anymore. and the Guns N’ Roses trilogy more than borders on the ridiculous (Hi Shannon Hoon! I see you, there on the roof!) but let’s take a look at some that kind of stuck with me.
AIN’T TOO PROUD TO MEGAN
When setting out to do holiday shopping every winter, I’m reminded of this awful night that I accidentally sat on a greased traffic cone. I don’t recall the circumstances of my pantslessness, or what miniscule probability was conquered to allow for the weighted cone’s chance placement directly below my then-unbreached shit chute, but oh my I remember the discomfort and Kafka-esque strain to free myself from its orange deathgrip. You see, it’s impossible to get your footing cuz struggling only squeaks you further down the fucker’s widening shaft, so yeah let’s just say I could easily be swapping tips with Jack Russell today if that nice family from Gardena had not stopped to tip me over.
Few events in my life have resulted in such pain and horror, but that mess was still less traumatic than any December shopping trip. Cuz after the butt-cone incident, I merely had to gulp like eight painkillers (four each for wounded bum and ego); conversely, the amount of intoxicants necessary to soften the impact of stressful useless shit purchasing would render me unable to drive, speak, or even identify my wallet. So that’s out. Fuck.
METALSUCKS’ 4TH ANNUAL HEAVY METAL HANUKKAH, BROUGHT TO YOU BY CENTURY MEDIA – NIGHT 3 OF 8
So last night’s question was tricky — so tricky, in fact, that only one person got it right! Necro’s real name is Ron Braunstein, and, yep, he’s Jewish. And despite his name, Darkest Hour’s Mike “Lonestar” Carrigan is, indeed, half-Jewish. I was caught off-guard when I saw Igor Cavalera included in this article at The Gauntlet (where a picture of From Exile’s Eric Guenther, who is not Jewish, is used for the entry on Daath’s Eyal Levi, who is… but I digress), but some research unearthed that fact that the former Sepultura drummer apparently converted when he got married. His brother Max also married a Jew, although I don’t think he converted. In any case, that just leaves Poison’s C.C. DeVille.
I understand why people would think that C.C. DeVille (né Bruce Johannesson) is Jewish, given that he’s loud, from Brooklyn, and has a big schnozz — hell, I used to assume that he was Jewish — but, alas, he’s not. So mazel tov to reader Joe Caperon, the only entrant who correctly answered the question. Joe wins a mystery prize courtesy of Century Media, and a dreidel, courtesy of us. Go Joe!
Here’s the question for night three:
- What is the name of infamous metal-themed music retailer in Tel Aviv?
E-mail your answer to axl [at] metalsucks.net with the phrase “HEAVY METAL HANNUKKAH – NIGHT 2″ in the subject line. All entries should include your name and mailing address in addition to your answer, and are due by 5 pm tomorrow (Saturday, December 4) evening. Shortly thereafter we’ll announce the winner and post night 4’s trivia question. And while you don’t have to be Jewish to enter the contest, you do have to live in the U.S. We need to conserve moolah to get all the MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys their Hanukkah gifts!!!
-AR
METALSUCKS’ 4TH ANNUAL HEAVY METAL HANUKKAH, BROUGHT TO YOU BY CENTURY MEDIA – NIGHT 2 OF 8
Mazel tov to reader Noah Mezsick, who correctly identified the first night of Hanukkah’s trivia question — yes, Orphaned Land’s Kobi Farhi is the poor musician that I accidentally introduced to frum porn earlier this year. I hear he’s had nightmares ever since. I apologize, Kobi! In any case, Noah wins a mystery prize courtesy of Century Media, and a dreidel, courtesy of us. L’chaim!
Now… ONTO NIGHT SHTAYIM! (I think that’s Hebrew for “two.” If I fucked up, well, oops.) Here’s the trivia question:
- Which of the following metal-affiliated musicians is NOT Jewish: C.C. DeVille, Mike “Lonestar” Carrigan, Igor Cavalera, Necro
E-mail your answer to axl [at] metalsucks.net with the phrase “HEAVY METAL HANNUKKAH – NIGHT 2″ in the subject line. All entries should include your name and mailing address in addition to your answer, and are due by 5 pm tomorrow (Friday, December 3) evening. Shortly thereafter we’ll announce the winner and post night 3’s trivia question. And while you don’t have to be Jewish to enter the contest, you do have to live in the U.S. What, you want we should go broke on shipping charges?
-AR
CINEMETAL ROUND-UP: NEW VIDEOS BY EVERY MOTHERTRUCKIN’ ARTIST FROM PORTAL TO BRET MICHAELS
It was a long weekend, and seemingly eight thousand fucking bands all decided to put out music videos while we were away. Let’s check ‘em out and see if any of them are decent, shall we?
First up we have a video for “Larvae” by Portal. This band pushes so many envelopes they were all offered jobs at the post office, so I’m disappointed they couldn’t come up with a more innovative video. This clip is seriously boring as fuck, as I have no idea what’s going on. Which is how some people feel about Portal’s music, I guess. So, in that regard, this video is a success!
QUESTION OF THE WEEK: SPECIAL THANKSGIVING EDITION
Wednesday, November 24th, 2010 at 2:00pm by MetalSucks
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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (sometimes) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which means we’re taking off early today and won’t be back ’til Monday. We’re sorry to leave non-American readers high n’ dry, but PLUS ONE FOR FREEDOM, MOTHERFUCKERS.
ANYWAY, in honor of the holiday, we decided to do a special Turkey Day-themed QOTW designed to make you feel all warm and cuddly inside:
WHAT (IN METAL) ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR?
The MS staff’s answers after the jump.
