MetalSucks

When I lost my virginity, I was so excited to actually have my penis in a vagina after so many years of thinking about it that whether my first time was actually an enjoyable experience or not was kind of beside the point. And with its release now less than a week away, that’s how I’m starting to feel about Chinese Democracy: I’m tired of thinking about it and just wanna experience it already, no matter what my final feelings on it turn out to be.

And even though the marketing campaign behind this mo’fo hasn’t been as massive as one might’ve thunk, Team Axl Rose certainly does know how to keep themselves in the headlines: they’ve now released a second single from the forthcoming opus, “Better,” which you can stream at Noo Yawk classic rawk station Q104.3. Incidentally, they are also running a search for New York’s hottest mom. Yowza.

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We love Machine Head and we love Iron Maiden, so naturally Machine Head covering Iron Maiden would be a good thing, right? Yes indeed. The track comes from the Maiden Heaven compilation released by Kerrang in July, which also features loads of other cool bands covering Maiden. The below video is included on The Blackening bonus edition which comes out today.

The new Weiland video comes from Happy in Galoshes, his 2nd solo record, due November 25th. I actually rather like Weiland’s solo work — 12 Bar Blues, released 10 years ago, was an exercise in completely drugged-out nonsensicalness on the level of John Frusciante’s in-between-stints-in-RHCP solo work. This song is alright; it’s definitely different from STP, and WAY different from Velvet Revolver, but it’s decidedly more focused than his first record.

Watch the vids after the jump.

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Given all the shit Velvet Revolver has pulled over the last few years, and the fact that most post-GN’R projects by that band’s original line-up are pretty lackluster, you couldn’t exactly blame someone for thinking that Duff McKagan’s Loaded would suck ass for sure. But McKagan seems to have learned from his past mistakes; after Geffen dumped not one but two of his solo albums, he’s now signed to Century, a considerably smaller label than you’d expect given his connections and squillions of dollars, which would suggest he’s not in it for the money, a nice change of pace from the usual greedy bullshit we see these kind of rock tars pull these days.

Of course, putting his ego aside and saying “Y’know, I think I actually have enough cash, thanks” would mean nothing if Loaded was terrible, but they’re not; they make the kind of catchy hard rock that fewer and fewer bands seem to indulge in these days (Even Queens of the Stone Age seem to have pretty much given up.). And they’re not afraid to come across as genuinely messy: McKagan obviously isn’t the best singer in the world, but you’ll never hear the guy use auto-tune, not even for a second, God love ‘im.

So Loaded far exceeds expectations, and almost – almost – redeems McKagan for those terrible John Varvatos ads he did with the rest of VR a year or so ago.

Here’s Loaded’s video for “No More.”

-AR

No booze at a Motley fucking Crue show? Jesus fucking Christ. That must be like having sex with a condom made of nails.

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I gotta say, I’m loving this “Who will be the new singer for Velvet Revolver?” guessing game. I’m probably having way more fun with all the rumors than I will with the actual band once they do announce a replacement for Scott “My Days on this Earth are Surely Numbered” Weiland.

The latest probably-not-true bit of gossip is that Lenny Kravitz is gonna take over for Weiland. I don’t see any incentive for Kravitz to step into Weiland’s shoes, but maybe he really just wants to, y’know, do it for the fun of it.

ANYWAY, Kravitz has a history of working with the former members of GN’R – Slash co-wrote his hit “Always on the Run,” which was deemed “too funky” for GN’R, and then Kravitz later performed the song with the band for their Paris PPV special:

-AR

When Axl and I went to see the reunited Stone Temple Pilots in New Jersey a couple of months ago, it was nothing short of very disappointing. A wasted Weiland stumbled around the stage all night, mumbled incoherent between-song banter, flubbed lyrics, and generally looked like a mess. The performance was completely lackluster, and Weiland was nothing like the charismatic rock n’ roll frontman he was as recently as last summer with Velvet Revolver. Apparently two months’ time hasn’t changed very much for Weiland, as fan-filmed footage (below) shot in Phoenix last week showcases another embarrassing, drunken mishap.

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I just wanna be clear, right off the bat, that this is just me playing “What If?” I’m not breaking a story, I don’t have a source, it’s Monday, it’s a slow news day, and I just got to thinking. I don’t want this to be like the time that I said it might be cool if Whitfield Crane joined Anthrax and then some putz put it on Wikipedia and asked Crane about it in an interview, and asked as though it were a bona fide fact or even a real “rumor.” THIS IS JUST ME HAVING FUN.

Here’s the reasoning behind my total b.s. speculation:

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Blabbermouth (via Entertainment Weekly) reports that Spacehog vocalist/former resident of Liv Tyler’s vagina Royston Langdon (I feel like that name should be followed by the words “The Third”) is in the running to take Scott “I’m So Strung Out I Can’t Even Take My Coat Off Like a Big Boy” Weiland’s place as the new front man for Velvet Revolver.

In terms of brilliance, this is idea strikes me as being somewhere in between hiring Tripp Eisen to host your daughter’s bat mitzvah and fucking Tommy Lee without a condom, but, hey, everything $lash does is awesome, so there’s no need to worry… right?

Here’s a truly horrendous rendition of the GN’R classic “It’s So Easy” with Langdon on vocals and $lash on guitar:

-AR

At the risk of sounding like an overzealous Pantera fan, $lash performing “Sweet Child O’Mine” with that scary looking manimal (I refused to believe it’s a woman) from the Black Eyed Peas is where I draw the line. Unless he saw a freak that bore some vague resemblance to a white lady and thought he was doing another gig with Michael Jackson. I guess that’s forgivable.

-AR

Amongst the more surreal moments of the Stone Temple Pilots’ show at the PNC Bank Arts Center this past Sunday – and there were many – was the band breaking into an extended jam of The O’Jays’ “For the Love of Money” just prior to final encore “Dead and Bloated.” The moment was chock full of inadvertent gallows humor for two reasons:

1. It’s fairly clear that at some point in the past few months the DeLeo Brothers and Eric Kretz all got together and said “Fuck it, let’s just try to make as much money as possible before Weiland dies.”
2. “Dead and Bloated” is exactly the state in which someone unlucky will discover Weiland by the end of 2008.

Put more simply, Weiland – and STP – gave an unprofessional, sloppy, disorganized, sad, pathetic and embarrassing performance on Saturday night, seemingly fueled by little more than commerce and Weiland’s junk habit.

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So a couple of weeks ago Michael Anthony spilled that beans that he and former Van Halen cohort Sammy Hagar “are working on a new project with a couple of good friends.” At the time, I joked that perhaps they were teaming up with Slash, Duff McKagan and Matt Sorum to form Velvet Hagarevolver, a force more powerful than Voltron or, at the very least, Toto.

In point of fact, the reality is much, much worse.

Blabbermouth has now confirmed the rumor we’ve all been hearing from the get-go, which is that the other members of the group are Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith and Joe Satriani. And they’ve settled on the band moniker “Chickenfoot.”

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Wow. If that picture doesn’t get your dick hard, nuthin’ will.

So. If there’s money to be made doing something, someone will do it. Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth didn’t really just kiss n’ make up one day, and it’s not like they had some driving creative desire to do another Van Halen tour; it’s all about the Benjamins, homie.

And why should Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony not get a piece of the poundcake? A lot of people (like me!) who would normally never pay for a Sammy Hagar solo album or a Michael Anthony solo album are considerably more likely to pick up a project that re-teams the two, because amongst our deepest, darkest secrets are the facts that we once thought that Kevin Smith was funny, that we like to choke ourselves while masturbating, and that we don’t get angry when someone chooses “Runaround” on the jukebox. So, of course, sisters are doin’ it for themselves, as Michael Anthony writes on his blog:

“Sammy and I are working on a new project with a couple of good friends, and it is going to be totally KICKASS!!, so stay tuned.”

Part of me thinks that maybe my April Fool’s joke is on me and a Velvet Hagarevolver record is now gonna be a part of the really real world; I mean, ditch that dude who isn’t Izzy and slide Duff McKagan over to rhythm guitars, and you’ve just given birth to the band most eagerly anticipated by anyone who has ever thought the confederate flag was cool, seriously considered date rape, or is from the state of New Jersey.

But I’m probably getting ahead of myself; “some friends” are probably just Sammy and Mike’s kids. Which is fine by me. If there’s one thing I’m achin’ for, it’s some serious shit slinging in the press between Andy Hagar and Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen.

-AR

[thanks to: Saul Hudson]

Despite what Axl might have to say about the guy, I’ve always held that Scott Weiland is one of the greatest frontmen of our generation and I’m super-psyched for the collaboration between ex-Velvet Revolver frontman Scott Weiland, former Army of Anyone members Dean and Rob DeLeo, and Bomb Shelter Studios owner Eric Kretz Stone Temple Pilots reunion. According to a press release the band plans to work on a new album following their massive 65-date Summer tour, which begins May 17th in Ohio and yours truly will attend May 31st in New Jersey. No word yet on a record label or any other details for the album; the band’s prior five releases were on Atlantic Records.

Here’s fan-filmed footage of the band performing “Big Empty” last night in Hollywood. Please excuse the lame-o commentary from the camerawoman (”He’s, like, making love to the guitar!” during Dean’s slide part). Does Dean DeLeo look fucking amped to be playing in front of real audiences or what??

-VN

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Velvet Revolver drummer Matt Sorum posted on his blog a picture that a fan sent him of Sebastian Bach photoshopped into Velvet Revolver, fulfilling Scott Weiland’s pick to fill the now-vacant vocalist spot. But the picture is only an afterthought; with VR seemingly in shambles, Sorum’s focus is now on his fashion line SorumNoce; “Been hanging At my new store. Biz is good selling lots of stuff, please come by if in the area. Will be offering shirts i can sign if I’m around if you can’t afford the leather and stuff.”

Because what we really need is another overpriced t-shirt.

-VN

Y’know, considering the fact that every time we post some GN’R-related news at least one you tells us we talk about GN’R too much, I sure did get a lot of e-mails over the weekend from fans concerned that guitarist Robin Finck may be leaving the band.

So let’s get this out of the way quickly: yes, the above photo of Robin, appearing more goth-friendly than the hippy-dippy look he sported on the last Guns tour, did appear on Friday on the Nine Inch Nails official website with the caption “Welcome back!” Yes, that means he’s going to do another tour with NIN. Now, what does that mean with regards to his future with GN’R? Honestly, I have no fucking idea, and I imagine no one who’s not Finck, Trent Reznor or Axl Rose does, either.

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From the always astute pop-culture critics at Idolator:

Weiland, the estranged singer of Velvet Revolver, has teamed up with members of Army Of Anyone and Bomb Shelter Studios owner Eric Kretz for a tour that will hit more than 50 amphitheaters this summer and fall.

Brilliant. In other news, members of The Haunted, Disfear and Cradle of Filth will be teaming up for a massive world tour this summer. Let’s just pray and hope that film director Fred Durst doesn’t decide to collaborate with Fear and the Nervous System’s Wes Borland for anything… ever.

-VN

FUCK SCOTT WEILAND. I’m glad you’ve been able to get this far based on your limited vocal range and ability to mimic the same style of on-stage dancing that Bowie and Iggy Pop were doing thirty years ago, but seriously, stop trying to compete with Axl Rose for the “Biggest Asshole” award – Axl will beat your ass every time. Calling Slash by his real name in a press release does not make you clever. Claiming the name “Velvet Revolver” was your idea does not make you cool. You’ve always had to suck off the musical talent teat of others, and every time I think about the fact that Layne Staley couldn’t get it together while you go on and on and on I die a little inside. I hope the DeLeo brothers stab you in the eyes with your fucking needles. And fuck your wife Mary, too.

FUCK ROBB FLYNN. I’m a huge Machine Head fan, but telling people that you “once punched some kid in the face for saying that Gary Holt sucked” is moronic. Metal is supposed to be about blowing off steam in a healthy way so as to avoid actual neanderthal behavior. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to fight in this world, but someone insulting the fucking guitar player from Exodus is not one of them. Put more simply: You either a) actually did punch some dude for talking shit about Holt and are therefore a bona fide moron or b) are lying about punching some dude for talking shit about Holt and are therefore a bona fide moron. Also, every Machine Head album in-between Burn My Eyes and Through the Ashes of Empires was a cock sucking trend chasing waste of time. Deal with it.

FUCK MARIA BRINK. Someone told me that if you see her up close she’s not actually hot, but after looking closely at some candid photos (like this one), I realized you don’t really have to be very close to her all to see that she looks like a fucking rodent. Has this bitch had too much plastic surgery (excuse me, “work done”), or does she really just look  like my morning crap? Also, did you know that she sells hand drawn pictures and poems on her MySpace page (I won’t link to it, go find it if you’re so fucking interested)? I haven’t read the poems but the pictures look like they were drawn by a retarded five year old. Stop wearing that stupid blue dress and trying to exploit your non-existent looks to cover up for your lack of talent. I hope Christina Scabbia kicks you in the twat.

Fuck me for writing this, and fuck you for reading it. I’m gonna go kill a fucking bunny that made fun of Alex Skolnick.

-AR

Over the weekend Slash hinted that Velvet Revolver may continue with a new singer, and this morning it was announced that Stone Temple Pilots are going to do a full summer tour; but the fact that Weiland is leaving the group isn’t news.

What IS news is that VR are in final negotiations with one Mr. Samuel Hagar, Esq., to take over Weiland’s spot in the band. The plan, apparently, is to record a new album ASAP and then begin to tour behind it as early as this fall.

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It’s been quite a shit-storm in the media lately for Velvet Revolver. First Scott Weiland declared on-stage during a show that “You’re watching something special… the last tour by Velvet Revolver,” catching his band-mates off-guard. Matt Sorum then took a thinly-veiled swipe at Weiland, Weiland retorted, and Slash came back with his usual, “let’s all just play rock n’ roll, dude!” rhetoric.

It would seem that a breakup is inevitable whatwith all this crap and the Stone Temple Pilot’s reunion, though Slash insists he’s looking forward to the next record. So whose fault is it?

Man oh man, even if you don’t think that any of the members of Velvet Revolver are musically relevant anymore, you gotta admit, all this drama keeps shit interesting.

So after Scott Weiland publicly declared last week that VR are currently finishing out their “last tour,” he and Matt Sorum started trading barbs over the ‘net. Sorum just made reference to “some people” while Weiland called Sorum out by name, so I guess depending on how you wanna look at it, either Sorum was too classy to specifically lash out at Weiland, or Weiland just has bigger balls than Sorum; in any case, there have been rumors that these two don’t like one another pretty much since the band’s inception, so all this bickering isn’t, like, hugely surprising or anything.

So now Slash, ever the diplomat, has thrown his two cents in, making this super powerful statement: “Well, let’s put it this way — this is not Velvet Revolver’s last tour.” Wow. I’m sure such a bold declaration instills confidence in the hearts of VR fans everywhere.

Now, VR do, contractually speaking, owe RCA one more album; if someone threatens Weiland with a lawsuit, I could see him phoning in another tour to support said offering. And I have no doubt that Slash dreams of following in the footsteps of his heroes in the Stones and Aerosmith and making mediocre corporate rock well into his Viagra years. Still, I hope he’s learned from his past: in a situation like this, it may be best to get in, amass as much cash possible, and then get back out. No supergroup can last forever.

-AR