Everyone's Replaceable

New Suffokate Vocalist Lacks Proper Ear Gauges

  • Axl Rosenberg

New Suffokate Singer

Matthew Aaron Scott Krawchuk, a dude who takes so many photos of himself standing in front of the mirror that he should have his own regular pictorial column on The Chive, has been announced as the new front man of Suffokate. The vocalist, who as you probably suspected due to his name is indeed from Saskatchewan, replaces Ricky Hoover, who parted with the band nearly a year ago.

Yup. Slayer replaced Dave Lombardo in a matter of days, but it took Suffokate eleven months to find a suitable successor for Ricky Hoover.

I can only assume the delay was either because a) no one auditioned for the band for the first ten months, or b) the remaining members of Suffokate really WERE looking for someone who ear gauges as large as Hoover’s. At some point, though, they settled for some truly gross-looking floppy ear lobes. I wonder if those things feel ticklish when there’s a gentle, warm spring breeze?

That’s really all I can think to say about this. I know I should probably discuss Krawchuk’s vocal abilities or something but I mean come on, he just joined Suffokate, not Iced Earth.

[via Lambgoat]

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