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Twenty-Four Hours Pass Without the Debut of a New Slipknot Song; President Obama Declares National State of Emergency

  • Axl Rosenberg

obama slipknot pinSlipknot shocked the world today when they failed to release any new material in the morning, as they have been doing for at least the past week. Major riots have subsequently been reported in Westchester, NY, Newton, MA, Parma, OH, Carmel, IN, and, of course, the band’s hometown of Des Moines, IA.

President Barack Obama, whose love of metal is well documented, has consequently declared a national state of emergency, and dispatched officials from FEMA to all of the effected areas. He is expected to address the nation later today.

A representative for the band’s label, Roadrunner Records, pointed out that today marks the release of .5: The Gray Chapter, the band’s first new album in six years. Still, disenfranchised fans complained that they already heard everything on that album when the band started streaming it online yesterday.

Meanhwhile, the band’s own Shawn “Clown” Crahan had the following to say to CNN:

“The warning signs were all there, but the government never saw this coming because you can’t see California without Marlon Brando’s eyes, and sometimes, when you close your eyes, you can’t see at all. But how can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real? Dog food is a good source of protein, but no one wants to roll around in kitty litter. The left hand washes the right, but it doesn’t matter when you’re amphibious. But if you crack enough eggs, you will get an omelette eventually.”

Wow. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?

More news as it becomes available.


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