Green Eggs and Slam

What ur favorite metal band says about u


misha guitars

U wear socks with sandals. When ur not spending ur free time maintaining ur Minecraft server or making sloppy playthru videos that get 124 views a year, u leave annoying/creepy dick-related comments on Misha’s instagram.


Ur from Kentucky or some other crappy flyover state but moved to NYC 1.5 years ago and now ur a Wino cosplayer. U beat off to pictures of the Decibel flexis and ur parents still pay for the insurance on ur Scion.

autopsy acts

U live in a basement apartment down by the Greyhound station and get by on ur monthly disability check. Ur hobbies include masturbating and working on the manuscript for ur book (a collectors guide to vhs porn).

When ur 15 year-old daughter’s friends come over wearing Asking Alexandria t-shirts, u corner them and give them a lecture about how that band is “teenybopper crap” and that Dave Mustaine is THE tightest rhythm player in all of metal and they’re like “daaaaaaaad stop we need to work on our school project.”


ur wife smokes marlboro reds and wears bootcut Affliction jeans that are too small so her muffintop spills out over the top of them, and when she gets into her 1998 burgundy Saturn (backseat 50% covered by mcdonald’s trash), u can see her high-rise 90s-style thong poke out. When she doesn’t feel like ‘dressing up’ she just wears her threadbare Juicy Couture velour tracksuit to walmart, the bottoms of the legs dragging thru the mud puddles in the parking lot while she loudly argues with her sister on a flip phone.


u have a masters in creative writing and wait tables at a vegan cafe. one of these days u’ll get ur big break when someone finally notices ur blog about ‘thinking man’s metal.” in ur downtime, u message any girl who has “atheism” in her OKCupid profile.

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