Breaking: MetalSucks Run by Jews



In a post we recently ran about a metalcore drummer running for city council as part of a racist organization, a quote was featured which outlined the head of said organization’s belief that the Jews are at the core of this country’s problems, running the world behind our backs in the hopes of destroying the lives of good, white Americans.

When I first read this, I thought, Well, at least I’m blessed to be writing for a good Methodist website like MetalSucks, which could never be undermined by the Jewish menace. But the more I thought about it, the more I began seeing worrisome signs throughout the Mansion — the kosher oven, all the copies of Angels in America lying around, the Ninja Turtles Pizza Thrower retrofitted to fire yarmulkes.

Something wasn’t right. So I put my nose to the grindstone, did some hard journalistic research, and soon discovered a disturbing fact that may shake the metal community. You might want to sit down, guys:

MetalSucks is run by Jews.

I know. Sounds impossible, given our constant adherence to traditional mores, right? But it seems, much as it breaks my heart, that there’s a Jewish conspiracy at the core of the MetalSucks-based metal media. Behind all the Maiden worship and Star Wars jokes, there is actually an insidious plot at the heart of MetalSucks, intent on destroying the traditional metal lifestyle and ushering the scene into a socialist state where we’re only allowed to listen to Periphery.

It wasn’t easy to discover these harrowing facts, but it’s true. A few phone calls and favors later, I discovered that ‘Neilstein’ is in fact a Jewish name, and that Axl is really the child of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. Other documents I’ve uncovered show that these men met during one of the tribunals held on Christmas while the rest of us celebrate, and came up with their snarky, tongue-in-cheek blog as a way to undermine the heavy metal community and create a new musical order in which Christians are used as cheap labor in their NYC Sucks sampler mines.

I know this post will soon be taken down or Updated to make me out to be a crazy hack, and this might be the last time you’ll ever hear from ol’ Rhombus again — as Matthew Heimbach of the Traditional Worker’s Party said, “You can’t out-Jew the Jew” — but I figured the truth needed to come out.

Take some time to let this sink in. This is a terrible shock to us all, I know.

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