Beavis and Butt-Head Starring Odin and Thor: The Notorious Singasteinn Seal Fight
This column is part of our continued re-imagining of Beavis and Butt-Head as Viking gods. Don’t get it? Neither do we, honestly.
[SCENE—The parking lot of the Bifrost Bridge Convenience Store, which is located at the busiest intersection of the 9 Worlds. The asphalt is cracked and the paint is faded and peeling away. The entire property has the look and feel of a forlorn 1980s suburban strip development.
Running in front of the parking lot is the Bifrost Bridge itself, the inter-dimensional celestial rainbow super highway. Chariots pulled by various forms of wildlife speed by in both directions, taking multitudes of gods, goddesses, elves, giants, and other divine beings to wherever they desire to go.
ODIN and THOR stand outside the store’s entrance where ODIN’s wolves, GERI and FREKI, are tethered to a bicycle rack. Both gods are disheveled from their earlier abuse at the hands of LOKI. THOR has mead slushy in his hair and ODIN’s wide-brimmed hat is similarly coated in mead slushy; both gods’ favorite band t-shirts are also wet and sticky with mead slushy as well.]
ODIN: Huh huh. That was cool. Loki is so cool. Huh huh.
THOR: Heh heh. Yeah! Yeah! Loki is my hero. Heh heh heh.
ODIN: Maybe we should, like, follow him and see if he’ll be our friend.
THOR: Yeah! Yeah! Wait, where did he go? How will we find him? Heh heh.
ODIN: My ravens will tell me, dumbass.
THOR: Oh yeah. Heh heh.
[Two ravens then descend from the heavens, alight upon ODIN’s shoulders, and whisper in his ear.]
ODIN [as he listens to the whispers of his ravens]: Huh huh. Huh. Yeah. Huh huh huh. Cool. Yeah. Cool. Huh huh.
[The ravens stop whispering and fly away. One of them drops a deuce on ODIN’s shoulder before taking off.]
ODIN [to his ravens]: Hey! I told you to stop doing that!
THOR: Heh heh. Your bird took a shit on you again.
ODIN: Shut up, Thor!
THOR: So, like, what’d they say?
ODIN: They said that Loki is hanging out with some other really cool people at the park.
THOR: So, like, are we going to go there then?
ODIN [untethering his wolves]: Uh, duh, Thor. Get on Freki and we’ll go there.
THOR: I don’t like riding Freki. He always tries to bite me.
ODIN: Then get your own animal to ride! You’ll probably get something stupid like a goat. Huh huh.
THOR: Shut up, Odin! I’m not going to get a goat. I’ll get a bear! Or maybe a tiger or a dragon or a giant poisonous snake or something!
ODIN: Huh huh. You’ll totally get a goat. Maybe even more than one since you can’t handle anything tougher than a goat. Huh huh huh. Just get on Freki and we’ll go and you can get your goats later.
THOR [angrily]: Hmmm.
[ODIN and THOR mount the wolves and pull out onto Bifrost. HEIMDALL, who has the best hearing of any divine being in the entire 9 Worlds, has been eavesdropping on the conversation from within the store. He now locks the front door, puts up the “closed” sign, and exits out the back where his horse is tied up. He untethers and mounts the horse and starts following ODIN and THOR from a safe distance on the rainbow bridge super highway.]
[SCENE—The city park of Singasteinn. It is a pleasant park beside the sea; shady and grassy with a small island a very short distance from the shore.
Children play on a playground at the far end and a few couples are having a picnic in the middle of the lush, large lawn while LOKI and several giants take turns chugging mead out of the Gjallarhorn on a rocky outcropping down beside the water. ODIN and THOR, riding ODIN’s wolves, approach.]
LOKI and the giants [watching one giant who is busy drinking]: Chug! Chug! Chug!
ODIN [slowly approaching with THOR, still riding the wolves]: Huh huh. Cool.
LOKI [looking up at ODIN and THOR]: Well, look who it is… [turning to face his friends]…these are the little girls I was telling you guys about. They even brought their chihuahuas with them!
[LOKI and the giants all erupt in laughter.]
LOKI [to ODIN and THOR]: So, what are you little babies doing here? Did you come for another ass-kicking?
ODIN: Uhh huh huh. Well, we, like, we wanted to see if, like, you know, you wanted to be our friend and stuff? Huh.
THOR: Yeah! Yeah! What he said.
LOKI [smiling]: Well, you know what? I think that’s an excellent idea! [He winks at his giant buddies.] But in order to be friends with me, you have to prove yourselves by showing that you can drink as much as the rest of us here.
ODIN: Cool. We can do that. Huh huh.
[ODIN and THOR dismount the wolves and take a seat on the rocky outcropping beside LOKI and the giants. The wolves lie down and begin to nap. ODIN drinks first from the Gjallarhorn. He lifts the glorious horn to his lips and chugs as long and hard as he can before setting it back down again.]
LOKI [looking at the Gjallarhorn]: You call that drinking! You barely even took a sip!
[The giants all laugh as ODIN woozily leans over on his side while the effects of the excessively strong giant’s mead rush to his head.]
LOKI [looking at THOR]: Well, let’s see if you can do any better.
THOR: Heh heh heh. Yeah. Let’s see. Heh heh. Here we go.
[THOR lifts the Gjallarhorn to his lips and chugs as long and hard as he can. His effort lasts longer than ODIN’s. He sets the Gjallarhorn back down.]
LOKI [again looking at the Gjallarhorn]: Well, you did better than your little baby sister, at least. But still pathetic. I’m afraid neither of you can be my friend if this is the best you can do.
THOR: I feel like I drank an ocean.
[ODIN moans from where he lies on the ground beside THOR. At that moment HEIMDALL appears on his magnificent steed. ]
HEIMDALL: What is going on here?! What are you doing with my Gjallarhorn?!
LOKI [rises to his feet]: What’s it to you, old man?
HEIMDALL: I’ve had enough of your shit. You’re always causing disruptions at my store, mistreating customers, and speeding through the parking lot. Give me back the Gjallarhorn right now.
LOKI: How about: no?
[LOKI then transforms himself into a seal. He knocks the Gjallarhorn into the water with his flipper and dives in after it. He returns to the surface, balancing the Gjallarhorn on his nose above the waves, and swims to the small island nearby. Meanwhile, ODIN has crawled to the edge of the rocky outcropping himself and is presently puking into the water. THOR sits and mumbles to himself while the giants all cheer LOKI on.]
HEIMDALL [to no one in particular]: That guy is such an asshole.
[HEIMDALL now transforms himself into a seal as well and swims after LOKI. He emerges from the water and climbs up onto the same small island. LOKI sees this, stops doing stunts with the Gjallarhorn, and sets it aside. The two begin to fight as seals. The sounds of flipper-slaps and seal barks can be heard across the water as the giants sit enthralled, watching the fight unfold, and cheering on LOKI. ODIN has passed out and THOR continues to sit immobilized and muttering to himself.
After a ridiculously long time, HEIMDALL eventually seal-slaps LOKI into submission. LOKI dives into the water and swims away. The giants begin to disperse as HEIMDALL pushes the Gjallarhorn into the water and swims back to the rocky outcropping with it balanced on his nose, just as LOKI had done. He emerges from the water and transforms back into his normal godly form. He looks at ODIN lying unconscious and THOR in his state of stunned incoherent mumblings.]
HEIMDALL: These kids are such idiots.
[HEIMDALL then mounts his steed and rides back towards his store while ODIN and THOR remain incapacitated and the wolves continue to snooze as the sun slowly sets.]
Follow Rowdy Geirsson on Twitter and check out his new book, The Scandinavian Aggressors, an offbeat odyssey into the freezing heart of the modern Northlands that features delightful and illuminating episodes about enslaved leprechauns, beheaded mermaids, elite warrior sisterhoods, deranged Swedish fishermen, craft-beer-brewing zombies, dysfunctional Finnish metal bands, and perverted trolls.