MetalSucks

Last week the publication of Nick “Son of Gene” Simmons’ comic book, Incarnate, was halted after it became apparent to one of the millions of readers of a manga called Bleach that Simmons was blatantly stealing from that title. At the time we thought that Nicky had taken to Facebook to demand an apology, but it turned out it was just some dude who gets his ya-yas by pretending to be the douche bag kids of famous rock stars.

But now Topless Robot reports that the real Nick Simmons has released a statement, in which he attempts to simultaneously apologize for being a worthless piece of dung and not quite acknowledge that he’s a worthless piece of dung:

“Like most artists I am inspired by work I admire. There are certain similarities between some of my work and the work of others. This was simply meant as an homage to artists I respect, and I definitely want to apologize to any Manga fans or fellow Manga artists who feel I went too far. My inspirations reflect the fact that certain fundamental imagery is common to all Manga. This is the nature of the medium. I am a big fan of Bleach, as well as other Manga titles. And I am certainly sorry if anyone was offended or upset by what they perceive to be the similarity between my work and the work of artists that I admire and who inspire me.” — Nick Simmons

Hey, Nick, don’t sweat it. You were just paying homage to the artists’ whose work you admire! And it was clearly an homage, not plagiarism, right?

Dude, if ever an honest apology was warranted, this is the time. Don’t pretend you didn’t steal when the evidence is right there, schmucky.

Go to Topless Robot for more side-by-side comparisons.

-AR

SHOCKER! Gene Simmons’ son, Nick, is a total prick! I can’t believe it. I have no idea how that ever could have happened. I mean, he had such a good role model growing up.

From some dork website I’m not familiar with (via SMN):

“The American company Radical Publishing has announced that it halted the production and distribution of Nick Simmons’ Incarnate comic book series on Wednesday evening, amid allegations that the comic plagiarized Tite Kubo’s Bleach manga. According to Radical, ‘We are taking this matter seriously and making efforts now to contact the publishers of the works in question in an effort to resolve this matter.’”

What Would Tyler Durden Do (don’t ask) reports that Nicky-boy has gone on Facebook [Just some dude pretending to be Nick Simmons... oh, well. -Ed.] and demanded an apology. And side-by-side comparisons of his comic with the one he’s accused of ripping-off show that he deserves one. I mean, they’re clearly totally different (Simmons’ is the one in color, the original in b&w):

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Gene Simmons is the lowest of the low when it comes to putting his name on a product for a buck. The dude’s attached his likeness to everything from Mr. Potato Head dolls to coffee to toothbrushes, and he even attempted to sell his own kidney stone (no word on how that turned out). Mr. Witz proves the stereotype that Jews are money-grubbing scoundrels true and gives us a bad name (ok, so I’m cheap too… so what) even he does unequivocally like to rock n’ roll all night and party every day.

But nothing tops the sheer absurdity of this Yngwie Malmsteen humidor. Look at the fucking thing! Who would buy that? At least it’s useful though, unlike a fucking KISS Mr. Potato Head. I’m not really the cigar-smoking type except for once in a blue moon, but if someone <ahem> were to send me one of these <ahem> I could think of a certain sticky green substance that’d be perfectly suited for storage in such a case.

-VN

I don’t want to jinx it, but lately it seems that society is drawing closer to a public consensus that Kiss sucks donkey ass. There’s a social parallel: Time is disposing of the fearful kooks who oppose gays/non-whites/drugs/Nergal, and as a result the day is in sight when we’ll all be cool/high with each other while enjoying scarier Behemoth records. Likewise, the time will come where no Kiss fans will walk the earth puking money into the wallet of Gene Simmons for no other privilege than to perpetuate a shitty band’s shitty brand. And really, thank you, poor deluded children of ’70s disco-rock crossover, for proudly snapping up those Kiss shirts, thongs, enemas, pizza pans, and diapers; the rest of us can identify/destroy you with none of the effort it takes to flush out a fan of, say, The Scorpions or Bullshit For ValKilmerTime (or whatever).

It’s amazing that such a charmless, joyless band could enjoy such sustained suck-cess. Cuz sane people will tell you that those Kiss records don’t even achieve the absolute bare minimum of being performed, produced, or mixed well — whether or not their cynically manufactured songs themselves are any good. (Save for the delightfully retarded “Heaven’s On Fire” and actual scores like “I Love It Loud” and “Detroit Rock City,” the entire catalog could be catapulted into the sun.) Only Earth’s most resentful and contemptuous dickfaces could charge money for such sub-garbage product. I mean, shit, I gobble Tums in the lobby of Jack In The Box, knowing that tonight’s pre-dinner will tax the capacities of my crap factory; but for my money I am certain to receive burger-shaped food. If Simmons ran that dump, you’d order and then be handed a blurry picture of a barf puddle photocopied onto a dryer sheet.

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I found the following quote from a recent interview with Gene Simmons to be (inadvertently) hilarious:

“This is electric church, and no one on that stage — me or anyone else — wears the makeup and platform heels by some kind of birthright. This ain’t Europe; just ’cause your dad was king doesn’t make you the king. You’ve got to earn it. And when you defile KISS, you should be thrown out.”

Gene is referring to dudes like Ace Frehley, Peter Criss and Vinnie Vincent, of course. But I have to wonder what he thinks they did that was worse than this:

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I love Metal Insider’s Bram Teitelman so much right now I could kiss him on his Quaker Jewish mouth right now (And no, I’m not kidding. And, oddly enough, Teitelman is the second Quaker Jew I’ve known. Bizarre.). See, Bram noticed what the rest of us failed to – that the riff from the new Kiss song, “Modern Day Who Gives a Fuck,” is more or less a total rip-off of The Sword’s Freya.

Think Bram is wrong? Listent to both and decide for yourself.

Here’s Kiss:

And here’s The Sword:

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I was initially optimistic about the latest cinematic update of The Wolfman (photo above right). The cast was pretty good (Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt), the legendary Rick Baker was doing the creature make-up, and music video director extraordinaire Mark Romanek was all set to helm.

Then Romanek fell out and was replaced by Joe Johnston (Jurassic Park III… ugh), and the production has been plagued by endless re-shoots and release date shifts and all the other things a studio does when they know they have a dog with fleas (or in this case a wolf with fleas) on their hands.

Perhaps even less enticing: Gene Simmons is doing the “howling” voice for the titular monster.

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When I was a teenager, if my father ever insulted me (and when he did, it was usually because I was being a little asshole and totally had it coming), he would immediately thereafter look at his watch. He was timing me to see how fast I could come up with a witty retort. That probably sounds fucked up, but I’m actually really glad my dad did that – it’s definitely one of the reasons I grew up to be such a prick, but, without tooting my own horn, I am very good at being a prick (you’re reading this website, after all) in no small part because of my old man’s insistence that I learn to properly defend myself in a verbal battle.

If only young Chaim Witz’s father had been as determined as Poppa Rosenberg to whip his son into mental shape. ‘Cause grown-up Witz (that’s “Gene Simmons” to you) is like the fat bully in the school yard – he’s way too dumb to trade barbs at an adult level, so he just says something sophmoric and unfunny and tries to claim said comment as a victory.

For example, look at this video of Simmons “debating” with music-biz guru Bob Lefsetz. Lefsetz criticized Simmons’ understanding of the way the music industry works today, and all Simmons can come up with by way of retort is to make fun of Lefsetz’s name. Forget, for a second, that’s not entertaining; it’s not even on-subject. It’s like watching Chris Farley tell David Spade “You’re a thick… candy…” in Tommy Boy. I mean, I almost feel bad for Simmons.

And now Simmons is losing a verbal war in the press with Trent Reznor, for the same reason: he just cannot hold his own in a debate.

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There’s something reassuring about knowing that people one sometimes considers cooler than him or herself were not, in fact, always so cool.

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MSNBC.com [via Idolator] is reporting that KI$$ frontman Gene Simmons sold a kidney stone that he passed on eBay for $15,000. Our bullshit radars are going off the charts; Gene is just the type of guy who’d claim something this crazy just to generate publicity, and hey, wouldn’t you know it, Gene just launched Season 4 of his TV show Family Jewels! Our pals at Idolator have done some kidney stone sleuthing of their own, but you can watch Gene’s claim on MSNBC below and judge for yourself.

Who wants to take bets that Simmons eventually tries to sell his own poop?

-VN

Which is why I would never engage in a debate with Gene Simmons about anything. It’s the same reason I rarely respond to comments left on this site. If I post about a band I think is great and someone’s response is “Ur a faggit,” what the fuck am I supposed to say that? My IQ could drop just trying to communicate with that person, so I don’t.

But music biz guru Bob Lefsetz must love  a Sisyphean task when he encounters one, because he’s been feuding with Simmons for the past week. The whole tiff started when Lefsetz criticized Simmons in his  newsletter (of which both Vince and myself are avid readers) for a speech Simmons gave during Canadian Music Week about various ways in which the music industry might stay afloat; Simmons responded with his own e-mail, in which he made fun of Lefsetz’s name. Seriously. This is the level of of maturity and intelligence with which Lefsetz is trying to engage.

The feud culminated in a public debate last week, which you can watch below – or don’t. Simmons’ opening argument rests not on any proof of acquired business acumen (and beside the admittedly phenomenal success of Kiss, it’s worth noting that 9 out of 10 Gene Simmons ventures fail – see exhibit A, Detroit Rock City), but, rather, on a bald joke. Which tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

After the jump, you can watch a clip of Lisa Lampanelli roasting Simmons on A&E last year. Which is considerably more entertaining than the video above.

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Via Cracked.com:

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-AR

There’s no such thing as a war between art and commerce – or, at least, there isn’t anymore. Commerce kicked art’s ass all up and down the street, and now you have Chuck Close selling shirts at The Gap, an American film industry that is interested in making little product besides sequels and remakes… and now KI$$ are making plans to continue their “brand” with four entirely new members (see video below), so that Chaim Witz and Stanley Harvey Eisen can have an even better retirement package than the one already provided for them by album royalties (including approximately 2,376,893 greatest hits collections, allegedly-but-not-really live albums, and box sets), concert revenue, clothing sales, comic book tie-ins, horrible movies and cartoons, reality television programs, acting and voice-over work, books, DVDs and videos, games and toys, Kiss condoms, Halloween costumes, trading cards, incense, bedding, furniture, instrument endorsements, kitchenware, calendars, and, oh yeah, the single stupidest piece of merchandising in the history of stupid merchandising. (For a complete list of every fucktarted piece of shit anyone has ever made or purchased in the name of KI$$, click here).

You have to wonder with asshairs like this: isn’t there such a thing as “enough” money? I’m not so naive as to think that art shouldn’t be a business at all, but do Paul and Gene really need that extra few million dollars? Mightn’t they take a look around their mansions and say to themselves, “Hey, you know what? We’ve sold millions of records, made millions of dollars, influenced practically every rock musician who came after us in some capacity or another, fucked hundreds of gorgeous women, and pretty much ensured that our families will never want for everything… maybe, as I grow closer to death, I’ll keep my legacy in mind and I’ll at least PRETEND I actually care about music and not devalue it by making it a commodity that has nothing to do with art by shitting all over whatever is left of my good name by actively participating in turning my band into Menudo? Especially in a world where young bands that probably looked up to me when they were kids are on the verge of breaking up due to financial issues, to say nothing of the terrible poverty that afflicts so many other people throughout the world – can’t I just be grateful for my blessings and not act like a total cocksucking piece of dog shit?”

If I was an anti-Semite, Gene and Paul would be the examples I used to recruit teenage skinheads. I hope someone makes them watch while their families are dropped in boiling acid before gouging their eyes out so it’s the last thing they ever see, then cutting their dicks off so they can’t even take solace in the bed of a willing groupie. But I’d settle for an IRS audit resulting in these two smegma stains getting Wesley Snipe’d.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

I’m no expert on folk metal band Moonsorrow, but I do this know much: their latest release, last year’s V – Hävitetty, is killer (read my mini-review here – the album is only two dollars on iTunes!), and they’re a Nazi band like this site is a polka blog.

But I guess some people actually do think Moonsorrow are a bunch of fascist fuckheads, ’cause front man Ville Sorvali just released the following statement:

“We, Moonsorrow, have come across news that Antifa wishes to prevent our concert in Berlin on April 17th. We hereby announce that we are not a Nazi band… Some have said that Moonsorrow have an SS rune in their logo… The S in the logo is not intended to look like an SS rune, it has been drawn in an angular manner to suit the logos other letters.”

This is just plain ri-fucking-diculous. Does the letter “s” in the Moonsorrow logo (above) look any more or less like the SS logo than the double-S in the Kiss logo? (I understand that we know Kiss isn’t a Nazi band because its two most prominent members are Jews – hel-lo, Mr. Chaim Witz – but sheesh.) For that matter, how come no one made a stink when other bands – like Marilyn Manson and Faster Pussycat – appropriated the SS font for their own logos?

This is just dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. And I strongly encourage Moonsorrow fans everywhere – especially German ones – make the biggest stink about it possible.

-AR

According to SeriouslyOMG.com [via VH1 Best Week Ever blog, via MetalSucks commenter TedTedPoleyPoley], Gene Simmons of KISS is now as bald as a baby’s bum.

So there have been all these rumors that Gene Simmons wears a wig and is really bald, and now it looks like we are going to finally learn the truth this season on Gene Simmons Family Jewels on A&E.

Is Simmons a wig-wearing baldie like Bret Michaels? I don’t have a TV so I can’t tune into tonight’s season premier, but maybe one of our enterprising readers will let us know in the morn.

-VN

In the ever-growing empire of products to which uber-product whore Gene Simmons has attached his name, we present to you the brand new Kiss Toothbrush, which plays “Rock and Roll All Night” as the would-be brusher brushes their teeth.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/xigLxBEfo5g" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

According to a report, the song lasts for two minutes, meaning it essentially acts as a timer to keep your kids brushing. “And keeping a child brushing longer increases the odds that he or she will hit all the surfaces of the teeth. In one 2005 British study, kids spent about two minutes in the bathroom for tooth brushing, but most of the time the brushes weren’t even inside their mouths. They spent 10 seconds brushing the front teeth, 13 seconds on the back teeth…and 30 seconds biting the brush and sucking water out of it.”

Good to know that future generations of young ones will be rocking and rolling all night… or at least for two minutes. This one is definitely going on Uncle Vince’s Chanukah list.

-VN