Thursday, September 24th, 2009 at 12:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
I found the following quote from a recent interview with Gene Simmons to be (inadvertently) hilarious:
“This is electric church, and no one on that stage — me or anyone else — wears the makeup and platform heels by some kind of birthright. This ain’t Europe; just ’cause your dad was king doesn’t make you the king. You’ve got to earn it. And when you defile KISS, you should be thrown out.”
Gene is referring to dudes like Ace Frehley, Peter Criss and Vinnie Vincent, of course. But I have to wonder what he thinks they did that was worse than this:
Friday, August 21st, 2009 at 4:16pm by Axl Rosenberg
I love Metal Insider’s Bram Teitelman so much right now I could kiss him on his Quaker Jewish mouth right now (And no, I’m not kidding. And, oddly enough, Teitelman is the second Quaker Jew I’ve known. Bizarre.). See, Bram noticed what the rest of us failed to – that the riff from the new Kiss song, “Modern Day Who Gives a Fuck,” is more or less a total rip-off of The Sword’s Freya.
Think Bram is wrong? Listent to both and decide for yourself.
Wednesday, August 19th, 2009 at 2:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
I was initially optimistic about the latest cinematic update of The Wolfman (photo above right). The cast was pretty good (Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt), the legendary Rick Baker was doing the creature make-up, and music video director extraordinaire Mark Romanek was all set to helm.
Then Romanek fell out and was replaced by Joe Johnston (Jurassic Park III… ugh), and the production has been plagued by endless re-shoots and release date shifts and all the other things a studio does when they know they have a dog with fleas (or in this case a wolf with fleas) on their hands.
Perhaps even less enticing: Gene Simmons is doing the “howling” voice for the titular monster.
Thursday, August 6th, 2009 at 2:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
When I was a teenager, if my father ever insulted me (and when he did, it was usually because I was being a little asshole and totally had it coming), he would immediately thereafter look at his watch. He was timing me to see how fast I could come up with a witty retort. That probably sounds fucked up, but I’m actually really glad my dad did that – it’s definitely one of the reasons I grew up to be such a prick, but, without tooting my own horn, I am very good at being a prick (you’re reading this website, after all) in no small part because of my old man’s insistence that I learn to properly defend myself in a verbal battle.
If only young Chaim Witz’s father had been as determined as Poppa Rosenberg to whip his son into mental shape. ‘Cause grown-up Witz (that’s “Gene Simmons” to you) is like the fat bully in the school yard – he’s way too dumb to trade barbs at an adult level, so he just says something sophmoric and unfunny and tries to claim said comment as a victory.
For example, look at this video of Simmons “debating” with music-biz guru Bob Lefsetz. Lefsetz criticized Simmons’ understanding of the way the music industry works today, and all Simmons can come up with by way of retort is to make fun of Lefsetz’s name. Forget, for a second, that’s not entertaining; it’s not even on-subject. It’s like watching Chris Farley tell David Spade “You’re a thick… candy…” in Tommy Boy. I mean, I almost feel bad for Simmons.
And now Simmons is losing a verbal war in the press with Trent Reznor, for the same reason: he just cannot hold his own in a debate.
Tuesday, June 9th, 2009 at 12:45pm by Vince Neilstein
MSNBC.com [via Idolator] is reporting that KI$$ frontman Gene Simmons sold a kidney stone that he passed on eBay for $15,000. Our bullshit radars are going off the charts; Gene is just the type of guy who’d claim something this crazy just to generate publicity, and hey, wouldn’t you know it, Gene just launched Season 4 of his TV show Family Jewels! Our pals at Idolator have done some kidney stone sleuthing of their own, but you can watch Gene’s claim on MSNBC below and judge for yourself.
Who wants to take bets that Simmons eventually tries to sell his own poop?
Monday, March 16th, 2009 at 10:32am by Axl Rosenberg
Which is why I would never engage in a debate with Gene Simmons about anything. It’s the same reason I rarely respond to comments left on this site. If I post about a band I think is great and someone’s response is “Ur a faggit,” what the fuck am I supposed to say that? My IQ could drop just trying to communicate with that person, so I don’t.
But music biz guru Bob Lefsetz must love a Sisyphean task when he encounters one, because he’s been feuding with Simmons for the past week. The whole tiff started when Lefsetz criticized Simmons in his newsletter (of which both Vince and myself are avid readers) for a speech Simmons gave during Canadian Music Week about various ways in which the music industry might stay afloat; Simmons responded with his own e-mail, in which he made fun of Lefsetz’s name. Seriously. This is the level of of maturity and intelligence with which Lefsetz is trying to engage.
The feud culminated in a public debate last week, which you can watch below – or don’t. Simmons’ opening argument rests not on any proof of acquired business acumen (and beside the admittedly phenomenal success of Kiss, it’s worth noting that 9 out of 10 Gene Simmons ventures fail – see exhibit A, Detroit Rock City), but, rather, on a bald joke. Which tells you pretty much everything you need to know.
After the jump, you can watch a clip of Lisa Lampanelli roasting Simmons on A&E last year. Which is considerably more entertaining than the video above.
Friday, June 6th, 2008 at 11:43am by Axl Rosenberg
There’s no such thing as a war between art and commerce – or, at least, there isn’t anymore. Commerce kicked art’s ass all up and down the street, and now you have Chuck Close selling shirts at The Gap, an American film industry that is interested in making little product besides sequels and remakes… and now KI$$ are making plans to continue their “brand” with four entirely new members (see video below), so that Chaim Witz and Stanley Harvey Eisen can have an even better retirement package than the one already provided for them by album royalties (including approximately 2,376,893 greatest hits collections, allegedly-but-not-really live albums, and box sets), concert revenue, clothing sales, comic book tie-ins, horrible movies and cartoons, reality television programs, acting and voice-over work, books, DVDs and videos, games and toys, Kiss condoms, Halloween costumes, trading cards, incense, bedding, furniture, instrument endorsements, kitchenware, calendars, and, oh yeah, the single stupidest piece of merchandising in the history of stupid merchandising. (For a complete list of every fucktarted piece of shit anyone has ever made or purchased in the name of KI$$, click here).
You have to wonder with asshairs like this: isn’t there such a thing as “enough” money? I’m not so naive as to think that art shouldn’t be a business at all, but do Paul and Gene really need that extra few million dollars? Mightn’t they take a look around their mansions and say to themselves, “Hey, you know what? We’ve sold millions of records, made millions of dollars, influenced practically every rock musician who came after us in some capacity or another, fucked hundreds of gorgeous women, and pretty much ensured that our families will never want for everything… maybe, as I grow closer to death, I’ll keep my legacy in mind and I’ll at least PRETEND I actually care about music and not devalue it by making it a commodity that has nothing to do with art by shitting all over whatever is left of my good name by actively participating in turning my band into Menudo? Especially in a world where young bands that probably looked up to me when they were kids are on the verge of breaking up due to financial issues, to say nothing of the terrible poverty that afflicts so many other people throughout the world – can’t I just be grateful for my blessings and not act like a total cocksucking piece of dog shit?”
If I was an anti-Semite, Gene and Paul would be the examples I used to recruit teenage skinheads. I hope someone makes them watch while their families are dropped in boiling acid before gouging their eyes out so it’s the last thing they ever see, then cutting their dicks off so they can’t even take solace in the bed of a willing groupie. But I’d settle for an IRS audit resulting in these two smegma stains getting Wesley Snipe’d.
Monday, April 14th, 2008 at 3:54pm by Axl Rosenberg
I’m no expert on folk metal band Moonsorrow, but I do this know much: their latest release, last year’s V – Hävitetty, is killer (read my mini-review here – the album is only two dollars on iTunes!), and they’re a Nazi band like this site is a polka blog.
But I guess some people actually do think Moonsorrow are a bunch of fascist fuckheads, ’cause front man Ville Sorvali just released the following statement:
“We, Moonsorrow, have come across news that Antifa wishes to prevent our concert in Berlin on April 17th. We hereby announce that we are not a Nazi band… Some have said that Moonsorrow have an SS rune in their logo… The S in the logo is not intended to look like an SS rune, it has been drawn in an angular manner to suit the logos other letters.”
This is just plain ri-fucking-diculous. Does the letter “s” in the Moonsorrow logo (above) look any more or less like the SS logo than the double-S in the Kiss logo? (I understand that we know Kiss isn’t a Nazi band because its two most prominent members are Jews – hel-lo, Mr. Chaim Witz – but sheesh.) For that matter, how come no one made a stink when other bands – like Marilyn Manson and Faster Pussycat – appropriated the SS font for their own logos?
This is just dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. And I strongly encourage Moonsorrow fans everywhere – especially German ones – make the biggest stink about it possible.
Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 at 1:40pm by Vince Neilstein
According to SeriouslyOMG.com [via VH1 Best Week Ever blog, via MetalSucks commenter TedTedPoleyPoley], Gene Simmons of KISS is now as bald as a baby’s bum.
So there have been all these rumors that Gene Simmons wears a wig and is really bald, and now it looks like we are going to finally learn the truth this season on Gene Simmons Family Jewels on A&E.
Is Simmons a wig-wearing baldie like Bret Michaels? I don’t have a TV so I can’t tune into tonight’s season premier, but maybe one of our enterprising readers will let us know in the morn.
Monday, October 15th, 2007 at 2:43pm by Vince Neilstein
In the ever-growing empire of products to which uber-product whore Gene Simmons has attached his name, we present to you the brand new Kiss Toothbrush, which plays “Rock and Roll All Night” as the would-be brusher brushes their teeth.
According to a report, the song lasts for two minutes, meaning it essentially acts as a timer to keep your kids brushing. “And keeping a child brushing longer increases the odds that he or she will hit all the surfaces of the teeth. In one 2005 British study, kids spent about two minutes in the bathroom for tooth brushing, but most of the time the brushes weren’t even inside their mouths. They spent 10 seconds brushing the front teeth, 13 seconds on the back teeth…and 30 seconds biting the brush and sucking water out of it.”
Good to know that future generations of young ones will be rocking and rolling all night… or at least for two minutes. This one is definitely going on Uncle Vince’s Chanukah list.
