Alright, I’ll admit it: I’m a lazy guy.

I’m the kind of person who will take a job and work as infrequently and minimally as possible (were you wondering why Part 3 took so fricken’ long after Part 1 and Part 2?). I use a lot of big words on my applications and key phrases like “people-person” and “success-oriented” (second to only to the ever popular “failure-oriented”). In other words, I’m a music journalist through and through.

In the music world we lazy, uninspired writers love to curmudgeon bands for being similarly lazy … and of course, uninspired. Sitting atop our glorious thrones of self-granted influence, we, with all our forum-crawling, shit-kicking expertise criticize what we probably couldn’t do any better ourselves.

But the fact is, there are plenty of decent — and even very good — bands that are more than happy to spend an entire career ignoring our occasionally constructive criticism. After all, not every band has to break new ground to be worth your time. But what happens when groups really do take such jabs to heart?

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I am a massive David Cross fan, but this is the first time I’ve ever heard his story about the time he was in a celebrity poker tournament with Creed vocalist/wife beater Scott Stapp. I really don’t wanna give it away, because the less you know going into it, the funnier it is… so just listen. The entire clip is about five and a half minutes long, and every second is delicious.

Bonus: Cross also takes shots at Evanescence and P.O.D.

-AR

Thanks to The Binary Code‘s Jesse Zuretti for sending this to us!

Van Halen, featuring the young squire Van Halen (left); Mark Tremonti (inset)

The reason that Creed guitarist Mark Tremonti is the world’s luckiest guy is not cuz he gets to party with amazing singer Scott Stapp 24/7. Nay, Tremonti is Lord Luckynuts cuz he’s buds with Wolfgang Van Halen, who is the bassist of Van Halen. Which somehow means that Eddie Van Halen, also of Van Halen, trusts Tremonti enough to allow him a live preview of new Van Halen jamz.

Tremonti described Thursday his visit to 5150 (via Van Halen News Desk):

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So, I’m giving you guys an open invite to my place in Quincy, MA for tonight’s matchup between the Pats and the Jets. We’re playing cards, probably the re-release of NBA Jams, getting some Lynwood’s pizza, and enjoying ourselves. Don’t worry about finding my place; if I seepeople roaming my street with wings and team jerseys, then I’ll assume it’s because of this post and invite them on up.

Steelers-Ravens battled it out for first this week. More important than seeing who was going to be king of the AFC North was to see who was a better shower product. The Ravens’ Ray Lewis and his Old Spice body wash in one corner and the Steelers’ Troy Palmolive… Paramore… Pinkerton… whatever his name is, representing Head and Shoulders in the other. Polamalu takes this one just as he took the game. His late-in-the-game sack caused QB Joe Flacco to fumble, which, in turn, led to the game-winning touchdown. No worries though, Baltimore – you may have lost, but you did break Big Ben’s nose and nearly killed TE Heath Miller. Not too shabby.

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At least, it was my last time. I feel like I shaved years off my life drinking that crud. Yucky!

Here’s what else we did this week:

• The Human Abstract’s A.J. Minette kicked off his new MetalSucks column, Periphery’s Misha Mansoor checked in from The Legacy Tour, and The Red Chord’s Greg Weeks thinks that Scott Stapp will sore.
• We spoke to R. Loren of Sailors with Wax Wings and White Moth fame.
• We checked out the latest offerings from Deathspell Omega and Nekorgoblikon.
• Speaking of The Legacy Tour: if you’ve ever wanted to see what the blood in Revocation front man Dave Davidson’s head looks like, well, here’s your chance!
• We did our annual bitchfest about the Grammy noms.
• We got lost in a Map of Metal.
• We speculated about which label will land Between the Buried and Me.
• We were envious of the music criticism skills of The Dillinger Escape Plan’s Jeff Tuttle.
• System of a Down are getting back together! Just don’t call it a reunion.
• We spent way too much time talking about Slipknot.

The third night of Heavy Metal Hanukkah is coming a little after 5 pm. Have a good weekend, folks.

-AR

I love T-giving!!! Tons of food, great family discourse fueled by alcohol, and classic throwback jersey football! With the Surgeon General promoting a vegetarian diet for the nation, I enjoyed as much ham and turkey as I could before Tofurkey becomes a national pastime.

Fights! Besides the scuffles between the Pats and Lions, this week saw a rare beast in the NFL known as a bench clearer. During the Tennessee-Houston game, Texans’ receiver Andre Johnson and Titans’ cornerback Cortland Finnegan decided to exchange pleasantries in the fourth quarter. The Texans were on their way to their first shut out in six years, which led to some heated exchanges on the line culminating in a helmet tossing punch fest. The two were ejected, and we’ll see how much money the fisticuffs will cost them.

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Hey, remember a couple of weeks ago when Schmucky Erna from Godsuck called Scott Stapp from Suck* a “faggot,” and then called a guy who likes Stapp’s band a “faggot?” Well, he’s apologized. Sort of. But not really.

Here’s the first part of the apology:

“I would like to send my sincerest apologies to the members of Creed, Scott Stapp and any of our fans that I may have offended for an insulting and disrespectful comment I had made towards Scott Stapp and Creed at a show Godsmack recently played in Connecticut at Mohegan Sun. I have no excuses whatsoever.”

Okay, that’s not the best apology ever, but at least it’s on-topic. Maybe add a comment about you realize now that only children use slurs against homosexuals as an insult, and we can put all this nonsense behind us, right?

Except that’s not what Erna does in the next part of his apology. Instead, he shifts the blame back to Scott Stapp:

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Seriously, if you haven’t read Vince’s epic story about how MetalSucks Maniac “whiskey” won last week’s last week’s photo caption contest, you need to go read it now. It’s pretty amazing. Whiskey’s mom even left a comment! We like to think of MetalSucks as something the whole fucking family can enjoy together, so that warmed the cockles of our collective heart.

Here’s some other fun stuff that happened this week:

• We debuted a performance clip from the new Shadows Fall live DVD, the new Intronaut album, and a new Madball song. PHEW!
• We spoke to Jeremy Creamer from Daath, Johnny Plague from Winds of Plague, Adam Warren from Oceano, and Ashmedi from Melechesh. Oh, and Anso unveiled part one of his massive two-part interview with Atheist’s Kelly Shaefer.
• We checked out new releases by Salome, Madball, Woe, and Arson Anthem and Ender. And a DWARR reissue!
• Greg Weeks from The Red Chord said good-bye to Randy Moss and hello to men wearing pink tights, Sacha Dunable from Intronaut contemplated the legalization of recreational marijuana use in California, and Eyal Levi from Daath discovered DestinAsian.
• Sergeant D. celebrated the thirtieth anniversary of Pantera’s Cowboys from Hell. Wait, what?
• We couldn’t figure out why everyone was so surprised that ICP are evangelical Christians.
• We found out the hard way that Attack Attack!’s music could be even worse than it already is.
• We took a slow ride on Metallica’s Lightning.
• We laughed at one shit stain calling another shit stain “a shit stain.”
• And, oh yeah! Gary Suarez took over the site for a day.

Next week is CMJ here in New York! If you’re in the area and looking for some awesome metal, check out our handy guide to all the festivities — including not one but TWO showcases sponsored by MetalSucks. We’re not gonna lie — we are going to be very hungover and tired next week. But that just means we’ll be crankier than usual. We’ll still be here with lots of debuts, interviews, and other assorted nonsense. Bring your mom! It’ll be fun.

-AR

It feels wrong to root for someone at the Special Olympics; I mean, all the kids are trying so hard, so no matter who the victor is, everybody wins, y’know? And that kind of how I feel about Sully Erna going out of his way to insult Scott Stapp, and people who like Creed. I appreciate the effort, but I can’t take a side.

So. Blabbermouth, correctly assessing the intelligence and vocabulary skills of your average Godsmack and/or Creed fan, explains that Erna “used a derogatory term for a homosexual male to describe Creed singer Scott Stapp” during a concert at the Mohegan Sun in Connecticut this past weekend. (Actually, “faggot” might be that rare multi-syllabic word that Godsmack and Creed fans all know, but I appreciate Blabbermouth’s efforts to keep the playing field even.) Apparently, Erna wanted all the fans to mosh during the band’s final song, and I guess for some reason he decided referencing Creed was the best way to motivate the crowd, telling them that if they didn’t make a big enough ruckus, he would tell subsequent audiences who came to the tour “that Mohegan Sun had a bunch of fucking dead-ass pussies on the fucking floor and maybe you should be going to see a Creed show or some shit like that.” Then, spotting a fan who I guess likes Godsmack AND Creed (holy shit am I glad I’m not friends what that guy), Erna taunted him, “You’re flipping me off? What, you like Creed? You like Scott Stapp? He’s a faggot. Faggot.”

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So apparently Ozzfest is coming back this summer, and is coming back as a traveling tour again (as opposed to the one-off fest it was in 2008). And that’s all well and good, only… who’s gonna be on the bill?

Mayhem, which is basically Ozzfest 2.0, has already scooped up a lot of big-name bands for the summer, including many who have played multiple past Ozzfests – namely Korn, Rob Zombie, Lamb of God, Atreyu, Shadows Fall and Hatebreed, the latter of whom I think have been on something like 90% of all Ozzfests ever.

Add to that other Ozzfest alum like Chimaira, In This Moment and Norma Jean, and some bands the kids today all seem to like, such as Winds of Plague and They Who Shall Not Be Named, and, well, that’s a whole bunch of potential mainstage and second stage draws right there.

Then there’s the mini-fests like Summer Slaughter. I can’t tell you which bands we already know are booked for some of these tours without betraying a lot of people’s confidence, but I can tell you that some great bands are now no longer available for Ozzfest.

And, oh yeah, Megadeth, Slayer, and Testament are now doing their American Carnage tour in the summer, so they’re out.

So who’s left? After the jump, I’m going to play my favorite game: it’s called “over-think about something incredibly unimportant.”

Before we proceed, it’s worth noting that I’m going to try and be semi-realistic when moving forward with some barely-educated guesses about who’ll be playing Ozzfest. If a band already has summer tour dates booked, I’m going to assume they’re not avail, although I acknowledge that they could cancel those dates in favor of playing for a bigger crowd. And I’m not even going to bother with bands like Pig Destroyer, Sigh, and Salome – bands that will play Ozzfest right around the time Joey Belladonna’s solo band plays four sold-out headlining shows at Giants Stadium. Also, obviously not all of these bands are gonna end up on the bill – these are just bands I think could end up there.

And so, without further bullshit…

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Seriously. Because every time Vince or I make a snarky comment about the band or vocalist Myles Kennedy, one of you gets your panties in a twist. And while one of you gets your panties in a twist pretty much no matter what anyone at MetalSucks says about any given band, for some reason the outcry of support for Alter Bridge particularly irks me.

Yes, this band is better than Creed, but so is shingles. And Kennedy is a better singer than Wife Beater McGee, so but so was the dude singing on the subway this morning. Neither of these assertions negates the fact that Alter Bridge is boring, paint-by-numbers corporate rock. I just cannot take this shit seriously.

So if one of you Alter Bridge apologists has a legitimately good argument as to why I’m not giving this band a fair a shake, I’d love to hear it. Is there something really sophisticated about the music that I’m just not hearing? Are Kennedy’s lyrics, like, overwhelmingly moving or something? The whole thing is just way over my head, I guess.

I solicited suggestions for good Alter Bridge songs over Twitter, and longtime reader Richaod recommended this track “Blackbird.” I admit that it’s far better than I was expecting, but I also wanna be upfront: there is nothing about this song that makes me think I will ever feel any desire to listen to it again.

-AR

Every now and then, something happens to make me feel like there really is some justice in the world.

So while it looks Limp Bizkit are going right back to being the mega-stars they never deserved to be in the first place, at least Creed – possibly one of the most worthless musical acts, like, ever – aren’t doing so hot.

From a recent news report on the band’s recent concert in Birmingham, Alabama:

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Fresh off the heels of the announcement that Creed will be reuniting this Summer (sigh…), Myles Kennedy — aka the actually-quite-talented singer 3/4ths of Creed hired to replace Scott Stapp in their new band Alter Bridge — issued a press release clarifying the future of that band. Thankfully MetalSucks is here to cut through the bullshit and give you the real skinny; we sent the offending press release over to the gifted MS Mansion Monkeys to parse, and the following is what we got back (our snarky commentary in bold:

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Now I have no choice but to kill Scott Stapp’s grandma.

-AR

… would sound better than Scott Stapp singing.

-VN

[Thanks: Geoff H.]

Exhibit A: During the two-day black metal festival “Nidarosian Black Mass” in Trondheim, Norway this past weekend, the band Celestial Bloodshed played their gig in stage costumes that had been brewing in a box with a deer corpse… for four months. They took their clothes — and the corpse — out of the box on the day of the gig, and used both on stage. Result? The bar next door who happened to be connected to the venue’s air conditioning system had to close for the night due to the stench of death. This information comes via MetalSucks reader Fritz who was kind enough to summarize this Norwegian newspaper article, so we’ll have to take his word for it. Is there any doubt why Norway is the metal capital of the world?

Exhibit B: This is kind of an old story, but newsworthy nonetheless: A Wisconsin man recently became so incensed by what he deemed to be a disrespectful karaoke performance of Dio’s song Holy Diver that he attacked the singer and a second man.

Exhibit C: Creed are rumoured to be reuniting and no one has offed Scott Stapp yet. What the fuck??? Get on that.

-VN