Watch out! These young bucks are taking over the world.

Yep yep, it’s my birthday. I’m using my “Get Out of Jail Free” card to steal a Mike Portnoy story away from Vince (who usually covers all things Dream Theater-releated), ’cause I know how to party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard, party hard… [fade out]

ANYWAY, from the perspective of someone who is not as obsessed with Dream Theater as my cohort, this whole Mike Portnoy thing is getting to be pretty pathetic — like, characters from a Woody Allen movie pathetic. Portnoy is like the dude who left his wife of however many years for a younger, hotter, albeit much stupider, woman, and when that woman inevitably got bored by his old saggy balls and inability to shtup ten times a day without the aid of a little blue pill, he begged his wife to take him back. And his wife, to her credit, has been in therapy since he left, and has a new sense of self-worth — so she told him to go suck an egg. And now he’s stuck with this goddamn motherfucking ridiculous Porsche that doesn’t even run right half the time and a big house with no one to fill it.

Mike Portnoy is understandably lonely.

So how he’s dealing with his loneliness? Is he getting some alone time to, y’know, really get to work on Mike Portnoy? Did he join JDate to try and meet someone new? Is he taking that Porsche around to all the hottest clubs in town in an effort to snag another youthful bippy?

Well, kind of — what he’s actually doing is going to the Senior Center for Singles Bingo Night. Which is to say, he’s reuniting Yellow Matter Custard, his Beatles cover band, for the first time in eight years. Gee, I wonder what the occasion is?

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While we were gone for the holidays, Mike Portnoy asked to re-join Dream Theater after being let go by Avenged Sevenfold, surprising no one. We’ve stated our case for siding with Portnoy in this whole ridiculous public drama, but it seems awfully hypocritical of Portnoy to ask back in so soon after everything that’s gone down. Dream Theater accordingly rebuffed Mike, as they should have. Meanwhile, rumors have been flying around about Marco Minnemann being the new Dream Theater drummer, a story which we were the first to report several weeks back.

Portnoy for his part is staying busy; Metal Insider reports that he’s announced a new project with guitarist Steve Morse (Deep Purple, Dixie Dregs), multi-instrumentalist Neal Morse (Transatlantic, Spock’s Beard), bassist Dave LaRue (Dixie Dregs) and vocalist Casey McPherson (Alpha Rev, Endochine) with recording commencing shortly. That should be pretty effin’ cool and nertastically progariffic.

But in the meantime the big question on Dream Theater fans’ minds is: what will the next Dream Theater record sound like?? Will it be any good? Was Portnoy the mojo that kept the band going or was he dead weight??? John Petrucci just tweeted that the band is now in the studio, so I’m assuming that they’re writing the record on-the-fly again as they have with the past several releases.

What do you think about a new DT record?? Weigh in below.

When Mike Portnoy announced he would be leaving Dream Theater, many of you speculated in our comments section that drum great Marco Minneman (who played in Necrophagist for a while, among countless other musical endeavors) might be on the shortlist of potential replacements. The following is of course completely reckless speculation and nothing other than conjecture, but a recent announcement has given at least a shred of credence to the possibility that Minnemann might be the man to warm Protnoy’s drum throne until he and the band mutually decide it’s time for him to come back.

Reader Dean Ferro sent us this link earlier this week, announcing a collaboration between DT keyboardist Jordan Rudess and Minnemann:

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There’s nothing I love more than the cock-smashing brutality of a good death metal song, but variety is the spice of life. Sometimes you are not looking for slamming pitt riffment, you just want to get in your Ford F-150, roll down the windows, and blast some tunes that you can sing along to on the way to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch UFC with your bros — you just want some HARD ROCK! I’m not talking about the bluesy “dad’s barbecue soundtrack” of Aerosmith, Deep Purple, or Blue Cheer, but the kind of stuff you’d hear playing on the battered boombox towards the back of a basement print shop, coming from the radio of the truck that delivers some gravel for your new driveway, or pumping in the background of a National Guard recruitment ad.

Snobs turn up their collective nose at this highly-maligned genre, but it’s their loss. In my opinion, these bands have some of the best songwriting you’ll find, and the shows are always a blast. Sure, most of the fans are ignorant white trash, but they come to party and I can’t hate on that. The truth is that radio-friendly hard rock is ‘effing sweet,’ and I can’t get enough of it. In this post, I will share some of my favorite songs of the last decade or so– please post yours in the comments!

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Preface: I love Dream Theater and anything DT-related with all my heart. But this is just too easy!

A media war of words between the remaining members of Dream Theater and the recently departed Mike Portnoy was bound to erupt sooner or later, right? Here’s where things get really nasty, so that once the inevitable occurs and Portnoy re-joins the band he helped form, at least there’ll be some good sound bites for Behind the Music or whatever the Metal Injection equivalent of it is in the year 2014, right?

But before the media sensationalized JUICY GOSSIP, a quick update from the Portnoy front. Metal Insider is reporting that in a recent interview Portnoy claimed he’d remain with Avenged Sevenfold for the remainder of the Nightmare touring cycle. This shouldn’t really surprise anyone as it wouldn’t make sense for A7X to switch drummers mid-tour, but it does call into question Portnoy’s motives for leaving Dream Theater. Didn’t he want a break so he could pursue other musical projects? Obviously A7X qualify as a musical project (now’s your chance for a snarky comment about A7X… hyuck, hyuck!), but I got the impression he wanted to spend more time on side projects and didn’t want to be on the road constantly. The touring cycle for an album by a band of A7X’s stature usually lasts 1.5 to 2 years… so expect Portnoy to be out on the road with them until this time next year, or later. That’s not gonna leave much time for anything else.

But you want the JUICY GOSSIP, right?? Well, click on through to see what James LaBrie had to say about Portnoy, and what Portnoy said back:

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Believe it or not, folks still buy CDs. I know… I’m shocked too. But the weekly Soundscan numbers released by Neilsen actually do include digital downloads too. I know what you’re thinking… people still pay for music? I s’pose so. Here are the most recent week’s charting hard rock and metal releases, with my own snarky commentary, natch. Check those tags down yonder for a list of covered releases.

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Thanks to the penis-loving ladies at Reign in Blonde for digging this one up. Because penis jokes never get old, even if we disagree with the commenter.

-VN

Reader Mike McGurney sent us a link to the below video, in which Mike Portnoy plays Avenged Sevenfold’s “Nightmare” with his eleven year-old son, Max, awhile back… and we never ran it. But now certainly seems like an appropriate time, eh?

I know some of you sourpusses will get your panties in a twist that they’re playing “Nightmare” and not “Pull Me Under” or whatever, but did you do anything this cool with your dad when you were eleven?

-AR

Our inboxes are currently blowing up with this link, a lengthy post on Dream Theater drummer Mike Portnoy’s personal Facebook page, in which the DT mastermind / genius / orchestrator / everythingman announces he is leaving the band. Yes, you read that correctly; Mike Portnoy — the heart and soul of DT — is leaving the legendary band he helped create.

As best I can tell the post was indeed written by Portnoy; it certainly reads like him, and the Facebook profile it was posted from has 185,993 likes which would seem to indicate it’s actually his profile. And, yep, there we go; Roadrunner Records’ publicist just responded to our email seeking confirmation. Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Portnoy has officially left the building.

As for an actual analysis of what this news means to me — and to you, my fellow Dream Theater superfan — my mind is so fucking boggled right now that I think I’m gonna hafta take a day or so to think about and digest it. So, without further ado, Mike Portnoy’s Dream Theater departure letter:

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… sort of!

The above photo was sent in by Zappa Plays Zappa bassist Pete Griffin, who’s already been featured in our ongoing Show Us Your MetalSucks contest series — in which you send in a fun/funny picture of yourself donning your MetalSucks merch and in return we send you a buncha free shit.

Griffin befriended Portnoy on last year’s Progressive Nation tour and the two have been buds since. The above photo was snapped after the ZPZ set at the High Voltage Festival in London, where Portnoy was playing with Transatlantic and then immediately flying back to the US to do the first gig with Avenged Sevenfold the next night. Says Griffin, “He once again sat and watched our entire set, singing and air drumming along.” The dude on the left is ZPZ drummer Joe Travers and the dude on the right is ZPZ guitarist Jamie Kime, both of whom are in Griffin’s other project Gryphon Labs.

So, while Portnoy might not be wearing that bad-ass Jewified MetalSucks shirt… it’s probably the closest he’ll ever get to doing so. Thanks, Pete!

-VN

Holy shit, is it seriously August already? It’s gonna start getting cold soon. Motherfucker. Here’s what we did this week when we should have been enjoying the sunshine and fresh air:

• We’re streaming Dementia/Dyslexia, the Metal Blade debut of Fleshwrought,  a new project from Animosity/Animals as Leaders’ Navene Koperweis and Job for a Cowboy’s Jonny Davy.
• We debuted an EPK for Iron Thrones’ The Wretched Sun.
• We also debuted “Fear, Emptiness, Decibel,” a new column from the editors of our favorite metal rag.
• We had a little beard on beard action with Andy Williams from Every Time I Die and Liam Wilson from The Dillinger Escape Plan. We also spoke to Avenged Sevenfold’s Johnny Christ, The Dillinger Escape Plan’s Jeff Tuttle and Pathology’s Dave Astor.
• We checked out the latest releases from Chimaira and Decrepit Birth.
• We schooled Korn’s Jonathan Davis on the BP Oil Spill.
• We questioned the sincerity of Max Cavalera’s claim that his collaboration with Fred Durst is all Ross Robinson’s fault.
• We questioned Glenn Danzig’s sanity. Again.
• We got pissy that Eddie’s not on the cover of the new Maiden album.
• We got boners watching 72 minutes of pro-shot Gojira footage.
• We did not get boners looking at Emmure noodz.
• We found the best bass player in the history of forever-ever-ever.

We’ll be hanging out at the Summer Slaughter show this Sunday here in NYC; if you spot us, please bring us presents. We like presents. Thanks.

-AR

Avenged Sevenfold’s Nightmare is out today (read Vince’s interview with A7X’s Johnny Christ here), and I’ve only listened to it twice so I reserve the right to completely rescind everything I’m about to type. But my initial impressions are that it’s a really good record, maybe the best pop metal album of the year so far, and that it’s not quite as good as the band’s last, self-titled album. I don’t think the band have pushed themselves quite as hard as they did last time out, when they suddenly revealed aspirations of being Queen. Even the really epic songs, like “Save Me” and “Victim,” don’t quite have the WHOA! factor of tracks like “A Little Piece of Heaven” or “Unbound” — songs that no one could have predicted after Waking the Fallen and City of Evil. Yeah, “Natural Born Killer” and “Tonight the World Dies” are excellent songs, but they’re songs that will surprise exactly no one who heard Avenged Sevenfold. (The one exception might be “Fiction,” which is a straight-up piano ballad.)

But don’t get your panties in a twist if you’re an A7X fan. I still think it’s a really good album.

Now the band has made their Rev-less live debut with Mike Portnoy on drums, and… yep, it stills sounds like Avenged Sevenfold. But for some of us, bootleg vids like this one (of the new song “Welcome to the Family”) will be our only chance to see Portneged Sevenoy so… enjoy!

Check out more clips of our favorite Jewish drummer from Long Island playing with our favorite glam Republicans from Orange County over at The PRP.

-AR

With the passing of James “The Rev” Sullivan, it hasn’t been an easy year for the members of Avenged Sevenfold. But with their new album Nightmare coming out tomorrow and the band out on tour once again — with fill-in drummer Mike Portnoy of Dream Theater — things are starting to look up for the OC crew. In my quick chat with A7X bassist Johnny Christ last week, the youngest and newest member of Avenged Sevenfold spoke about The Rev’s passing, the late drummer’s role in writing the record, and working with Portnoy and producer Mike Elizondo. Our chat after the jump.

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Avenged Sevenfold may not be a hair metal, exactly — Guns N’ Roses (particularly Use Your Illusion-era Guns N’ Roses), who we will argue this week are very much not a hair metal band, seem to be their biggest influence — but they certainly seem to embody the spirit of hair metal, and have succeeded where so many modern hair metal bands have ultimately failed: they have created catchy pop metal and found a mass audience. And while we still haven’t heard all of their new album, Nightmare, as of yet, what we have heard suggests that it’s gonna continue in the same vein; in other words, if Avenged Sevenfold was Use Your Illusion III and Chinese Democracy was Use Your Illusion IV (or, perhaps more accurately, Use Your Delusion), than Nightmare will pretty much be Use Your Illusion IV.

Here’s the new video for the title track from Nightmare. They’re calling this the “unedited” version of the clip, although I assume they mean “uncensored.” ‘Cause, y’know. Unless all this footage cut itself together, it looks pretty edited to me.

Nightmare comes out July 27 on Warner Bros.

-AR

I was feeling a little worried about the quality of the new Avenged Sevenfold album, Nightmare, after hearing its title track; it’s an okay enough song (I know Vince digs it), but it doesn’t quite have the same oomph as the material from their other albums — especially the last one, which was something of a pop metal masterpiece. (Vince compared it to Use Your Illusion II, which is a pretty accurate correlation.)

But I’m really feeling this latest track, “Buried Alive,” which has a kind of first-section-of-”Hollow”-ish feel to it. Check it out for yourself below, and then tell me how lame I am for liking it in our comments section.

Nightmare comes out July 27 on Warner Bros.

Side note: what’s up with this trend of lyric videos? Are people really that desperate for the lyrics? The whole thing seems so weird to me.

-AR

And by “nightmare,” I mean “I actually think it’s pretty bad-assed.” I know that admitting you enjoy A7X is high treason to some metal heads, but fuck’s the fun of having a website if you can’t be honest?

And if this had almost any other band’s name on it, you’d all think it was the fucking shit. Now, you might argue, “Sure, but if it had Limp Bizkit’s name on it, you’d slam it,” and I suppose that could be true – I am definitely biased against certain bands. But I’d like to take this moment to say that Limp Bizkit have honestly never had an album cover this cool, and do you really think I enjoy enjoying Avenged Sevenfold? They call themselves things like “Zacky Vengeance” and “Johnny Christ,” for fuck’s sake! And they wrote a pro-Bush anthem! And they dress like douche bags! I see guys dressed like that sometimes, and I judge them. It’s hard to reconcile thinking that people are idiots with thinking that they’re talented. But it happens, so. Yeah.

Nightmare comes out July 27 on Warner Bros.

-AR

So Metal Insider tells me.

That’s not a huge shock; A7X, like many bands before them, love to party, and have made those habits a part of their very image. In this case, MI tells me, The Rev was taking “Codeine, Morphine, anxiety medications and alcohol,” which, y’know. Is a LOT of shit to be taking all at once. You do kinda wonder how someone takes all of that crap and doesn’t stop to think “This is probably a bad idea.”

It’s a sad story, but it’s one we’ve heard before and is one we will no doubt hear again (possibly very soon). We can ask ourselves “When are young rock stars gonna learn?”, but we all know the answer: “Never.” They are never going to learn. Sad but true.

Chew it over and share your thoughts in the comments section below.

-AR

Last week this guy became an interwebz sensation, when everyone seemed to collectively realize all at once that he’s clearly the best drummer in the history of the instrument:

Now the investigative journalists at Metal Injection tell me that this God amongst men is named Steve Moore, and that he was recently interviewed by City Pages, who learned that – no surprise – he started out as a metal drummer:

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Dio died. Isis broke-up. Bret Michaels is back in the hospital. And I just used Dio, Isis, and Bret Michaels in one thought-stream, which, I’m sure, offended somebody.

Luckily, we did manage to have some fun this week:

• Sick of it All’s Lou Koller is counting down his top ten hardcore albums, As I Lay Dying’s Nick Hipa is counting down to the end of L O S T, Batillus’ Fade Kainer is counting down ’til the band can get the fuck outta the studio, Agenda of Swine’s Pete Benumb is counting down to MDF, and Cynic’s Paul Masvidal is counting down to achieving a higher level of being.
• We spoke to Steve Joh from Century Media, Tara Johnson from Disembodied, Emil Werstler from Daath and Levi/Werstler, and Travis Stever from Coheed & Cambria.
• We checked out the latest release from Rosetta.
• Sergeant D. has new slamz 4 u.
• The best music video ever of the week is by… Goldfrapp?
• There are plenty of things we’d rather do than listen to a new Attack Attack! song.
• Endorsement of the new Avenged Sevenfold single = flame war.
• You guys are still arguing about my Korn review. Seriously?
• I’m still upset about John Bush leaving Anthrax again. Seriously.
• We used to love Sweden, but we had to kill it.

And hopefully no one awesome will die or break-up next week.

-AR

The long-awaited new single “Nightmare” from Avenged Sevenfold has hit the webernets, and, no surprise: it’s sweet!

“Wait, what’s that?” I hear you e-ruminating. “Vince and Axl like Avenged Sevenfold?”

‘Tis true; astoundingly, it’s permissible to like Avenged Sevenfold, Dew Scented and Keep of Kalessin all at the same time. Shocking! Longtime readers of this site surely remember the run-up we gave Avenged Sevenfold prior to the release of their last album, a Use Your Illusion 2-esque masterpiece. Simply put, they’re pop metal geniuses of our time! Sure, they may look and dress like a bunch of clowns, but anyone who has wicked musical an songwriting chops like these guys do is allowed to dress however the fuck they want. Shit, they could don actual clown makeup and go all ICP and they’d still be the shit as long as they kept cranking out killer tunes.

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